The New Life: A Ghost From the Past

There are two types of people in this world. There are the people who when you tell them you are the happiest you’ve ever been say “I’m so happy for you. Your life is finally going right!” and then there are the people who try their hardest to drag you back to the bottom the second they find out you are remotely happy. I am currently dealing with someone from the past whom is the latter of the two.

It seems he finds me every time I become happy. He’s always got something to harp on, some snide remark, and some attempt to ruin my happiness. It’s worked in the past, but today I decided to call him out. I choose a long time ago to not deal with him. I choose myself over him, I decided that my life was more important then anything he ever had to think about me, but he choose to be an asshole.

He’s found out I’m in a loving, genuine, relationship and it’s driving him crazy. He’s made it his goal to make me miserable. Well I can promise you one thing, this is my vent, this is the last you’ll hear of it because he won’t ever affect me the way he wants to.

Even though he is an asshole, I’m happy for him. His life seems to have gotten better. Of course I’m not directly involved and quite honestly I don’t want to be involved. But on the surface he seems happy. I am not going to try and ruin that for him. I just wish he could give me the same courtesy.

Becks

The New Life: Ketchup!

Tomorrow is the 23^rd. The 23^rd seems to be a pretty good date to me. I was officially divorced on the 23^rd of March. On the 23^rd of April I was back to my maiden name. By May 23^rd my heart felt pretty much healed. On June 23^rd I shot the best score I’ve shot yet with my Parker. On the 23^rd of July my feelings for Bowman were confirmed in my heart. Tomorrow is the 23^rd of August; I wonder what it has in store for me. Guess we will just have to wait and see.

I wanted to catch you all up on my crazy week, so here goes nothing!

Bowman had a protest about my last blog, “You make it sound almost like I was stalking you.” He remarked.

I laughed, but let me clear it up, Bowman wasn’t stalking me. We just kept noticing each other. I’d pass him on the highway and think there he goes. He’d come into the store and I’d think, you can linger a little bit longer. Now that he is mine, I still think the same things, they are just constant. But no, there was no stalking.

Our relationship has grown and gotten a lot stronger. Our communication is like nothing I’ve ever experienced. We are committed to each other and make an effort to be a couple. He’s willing to make time for me and I’m willing to make time for him. We have common interests and share common ground. We are a really great couple and I feel so safe with him, I know he’s with me through anything the universe could throw at me. I’m with him to, no matter what.

Over the past week a lot of other things have gone on. I’ve had my knee looked at, the conclusion isn’t promising. I’m, literally, dragging my feet with making a decision. What the doctor proposes would change my life completely. The simple answer is I’m scared, and until I’m not scared anymore I am going to keep dragging my feet.

The trip to Alaska has been postponed. It breaks my heart completely, but I know it’s for the better. I would be in a bad place if my knee gave out on me in the Alaskan Brush. Postponing the trip to the spring will give me time to decide about my knee and to be in a better place with my job.

I’m making progress within my job. I’m still not exactly where I’d like to be. But I feel more comfortable being a leader and setting an example. I’m okay with discipline and okay getting ahead of issues and communicating with my staff and supervisors. It’s a step in the right direction.

Over the last couple of weeks I’ve gone through a lot of struggles. But somewhere in it all I’ve found the purest happy I’ve ever felt. I feel so much better then I did just a couple of months ago. I’m happy with my life, even if there are struggles. I’m happy with the choices I’ve made personally over the last couple of weeks. What I’m not happy about is the hurt I’ve put other people through. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do about that. All I can do is apologize and hope that somewhere along the way they realize I didn’t do it to be malicious.

The effort to reach this place has been long and tiresome. Bowman tells me I look tired, and in all honesty I am. I’ve finally reached a place where I feel comfortable resting. I’ve finally found the happy ground, the place I’ve been searching for. It’s now time to lie down in the grass and take a nap. It’s time to stop fighting and just enjoy the ride, weather it’s on the back of Bowman’s bike or in the saddle, it’s time to enjoy.

Becks

Sorry to get your hopes up, but this blog had nothing to do with Ketchup, I just couldn’t resist!

The New Life: Introducing Bowman

Today a newer character in my life makes his debut on the blog; with an entry all about him. I’ve known Bowman since January; he’s actually made a couple of minor appearances before, under a different name. I can picture the exact moment he walked into my life. I still remember his shy smile and the way he kept me in eyesight. Mostly I remember the flutter of my heart as I realized that, what I all the sudden felt, was stronger then anything I’d ever felt before. He stole my heart instantly.

Over the last couple of weeks our relationship has budded and now it’s blossomed into a beautiful romance. He swept me up as soon as I came on to the market. Bowman was my rock when I found myself struggling through some of the darkest days I’ve had. He gave me confidence and support when I needed it the most. He’s given me his all and in return I’m giving him my all.

Alright now that you know about Bowman let me tell you what he did for me yesterday. He helped me check something off my bucket list, ride a motorcycle. His motorcycle is a big part of his life, I can appreciate that, it’s similar to me and my horses. So being able to share this with him is something I hope he’ll let me do.

Yesterday afternoon as I swung over the bike nerves were pulsating throughout my body. I was a happy mix of nerves and excitement. My mother’s nagging concern was quickly pushed aside as he started the bike. As it rumbled my screaming knee quieted. I relaxed into the seat and laid my hand onto his shoulder. I kept from wrapping my arms around him, though there was a moment or two when I felt I needed to. As we cruised through town he reached back and laid his hand on my leg. It made me feel safe and confidant, I knew I was right where I needed to be.

Ten blocks into it I fell completely in love with being on the bike. I quiet honestly wasn’t ready to get off at the end of the ride, but work always calls.  I’m excited and anxious for the next time he takes me out. I hope he doesn’t make me wait to long, I might not make! He may be subjected to puppy dog eyes…

Becks

A Bowhunter's Dream: Moose!

(Picture courtesy of Alaska Game and Fish)

It struck me like a rock to the foot; I’m under 30 days before I go to Alaska. My heart raced as I thought about everything that could happen between now and then. I closed my eyes and focused myself again. I drew my bow and settled into the shot.  The twang of the release echoed through out my ears as I watched for the arrow to hit the target. It quickly came to view, high right.

I sighed and stepped back to let Jace shoot. Restlessness settled inside me as my knee throbbed with pain; I winced but didn’t let him notice. I thought about the Alaskan brush and the amount of pain I will be subjecting myself to. Is it worth it in the end? Yes, of course. Is it going to hurt like no other pain I’ve ever felt? Yes, of course.

I’m still struggling with my bow. Sometime it shoots great other times it really lets me down. Of course it’s only going to take one arrow out of it to bring down my moose, but still it’s slightly nerve racking going in with a bow I’m not 100% confident in. It’s also slightly stupid. But at this point in the game it’s too late to do anything about it.

One of the clearest memories of my childhood is my Great-Granddad’s moose. I named him Alfred when I was younger. He was mounted above the fire place in the game room. He is what started my love for moose. Alf was an Alaskan moose shot in the Western Yukon. I’ve never heard the story about the hunt, but I imagine it was an adrenaline rush for Grandpa Bernard. Alf now hangs in the local gun shop. I’d love to bring him back to the family and mount my moose right next to him as part of the continuation of the legacy. The difference between the hunt that brought Alf home and my hunt is that Grandpa Bernard shot him with a rifle; I’ll be carrying a pink Parker bow.

At night I lie in bed and imagine myself laying in the brush. I can see my draw and release, sometimes in my imagination I miss. But most of the time I’m right on target. It’ll be different as I lay in the brush for real. I’m sure my heart will be pounding hard, my breath will be short, and my lack of confidence in my bow will swallow me whole. I’m afraid of the choke. It’s a question I constantly ask myself, what if I choke? The other is, what if I miss? They are valid questions in my mind. It’s possible that I’ll do both. It’s possible that it will take me the full ten days to bring my moose down. I may be hunting clear up to the moment I leave for the air port.

As I prepare myself for the hunt I try to maintain a positive attitude. After all this is the hunt of a lifetime, when will I ever be able to do this again? Possibly never. I just wish Mr. “I have no more vacation” would be right there with me. That’s right you’re going to catch all sorts of flack for that!

Becks

Quiet

I came across this picture in saved blogs. It was all by its self just waiting for the right words to join it. This is a picture of me and Sweet Cheeks a couple of months before my 16^th birthday, a couple of months before the accidents and pain. I don’t remember this moment in time. I don’t remember my mother taking this picture. But it seems like a moment in time when the world stopped and everything was right in the world.

I sat and starred at this picture for a while. It brought back a lot of memories about who I was then. It made me think about all the time in between then and now. I’ve changed, grown, and become a better person. I’ve also been to hell and back since that moment in time.

My world has crashed and burned at my feet more then once. I’ve done the juggling act, I’ve dropped a lot of balls, but I’ve grown and learned. Thinking about all my concerns and worries at that point in my life I can’t help but laugh. Of course I see the similarities in then and now and know that not everything has changed. I’m still a world class rider. I still have the drive and ambition to be in the show ring. I still hold myself to the highest standard in the industry. But some things have changed. I’ve become strong and independent. I’ve become my own trainer and my own cheerleader. I’ve learned that it’s not about winning; it’s about performing at your very best. I’ve learned a lot of things that the majority of show hands struggle with.

We all recover from accidents. Sometimes it takes a long time, but sometimes the recovery isn’t that long. If I had known at that moment in time about everything, every accident, mistake, or pain I would be subjected to I’m not sure I would or could have continued on the course I was on. But as think about it now and reflect I’m glad everything that happened, did. If it hadn’t been for everything that happened I wouldn’t be the woman I am today. The recovery from all my accidents has been a long struggle. There are days I still struggle with some the choices I’ve made. Often I have trouble coming to a decision because of my past. I either run to early or to late.

In the end all I can ever hope for is that I can continue on living life without regrets, that I can let the past go, and that my future is always bright. I want to stand at Heavens gates one day and reflect on the life I lived and know I did the best I can. I want to ride through the knee high grass and know that my entry fees were paid, in full.

Beck

The New Life: The Key to my Heart

Yesterday evening I was driving home from the archery range. It was dark and in the distance a thunderhead produced sharp lightning. I glanced occasionally out the window watching the lightning meet the ground. My radio was turned low and I could hear the highway under my tires. I suddenly heard over the radio lyrics to a song which struck my heart.

"Well, I don't want the whole world
The sun and moon and all their light
I just want to be the only girl, You love all your life
You love all your life"

I reached up and played with my necklace as I listened to the song. The pendant was heavy in my hand as I twisted the chain. The key to my heart. It physically represents the actual key to my heart. From the day I bought the pendant I've worn it, I keep it close. I've learned that who ever is going to get the key to my heart is going to have to be a pretty great guy.

"Well, I don't want the whole world, no the sun and moon and all their light
I just want to be the only girl,
You love all your life
You love all your life
You love all your life, life, yeah"

Who is that really great guy? Is it Handsome or someone else? I'm not sure. But I do know he's going to have to be amazing whomever he turns out to be. The man who gets the key to my heart is going to have to treat me the best Ive ever been treated. He's going to have to put me in the top of his priority list. I'm pretty easy to live with, I'm a woman who loves to shoot bows and guns, I love being outdoors, I love going down to the bars and having a good time. I don't ask a man to not have friends, I don't ask him to spend all of his free time with me, but I do ask that he loves me unconditionally and that he is there for me when I need him the most. Did I mention I'm a whiskey girl? I'm pretty unique and interesting.

"Would you catch a couple thousand fireflies, yeah
put them in a lamp to light my world
All dressed up in tux and bow tie hand delivered to a lonely girl, to a lonely,
lonely girl"

I've been through a lot in the past, but I'm working on letting it all go. Some days I do really great about leaving the past behind, but some days I find it nearly impossible to just leave it alone. I do know one thing for sure, I don't want to add anymore bad to my life, I'm ready to let the bad go.
As for being happy, well I'm working on it. Sometimes I am over the moon and other times I'm ten feet below the ocean. It happens, it's part of me and part of my obsessive compulsive disorder. But sure enough I realize I am the only one who can make me happy. I realized that a long time ago, it's just something I need to constantly remind myself.
I'm enjoying the ride, for the most part. It's been rough, it's going to stay rough for a while. But eventually I'll get to the smooth part and life will be great. It wouldn't be as interesting if there weren't bumps in the road.
Becks

From the Saddle: Back in the Ring



Yesterday was the first time I've been in the show ring in two years. I've been nervous about the show for a couple of weeks now. I was unsure of how my assistant would take to showing, unsure of how the horse trailer would pull, but mostly unsure of the behaviour of the horses.
First off I had a problem rounding up a truck. The day before the show my orginal plans for a pickup fell through. Luckily I had a friend step up and offer his truck. It worked out well and everything went off without a problem. I just want to thank him one more time. The horses loaded well for the most part and the drive to the show grounds was relativly painless. I haven't driven the trailer in around two years, I'll admit it made me a little nervous to be back in the driver's seat.
As we drew closer to the show grounds I asked my assistant to join me in the show day prayers. It's a tradition that started the day of my very first show, I hope it's a tradition she will continue. Before each show I say two prayers, the first being the Lord's Prayer and the second being a version of the Cowboy's Prayer,

OUR GRACIOUS AND HEAVENLY FATHER.
WE PAUSE IN THE MIDST OF THIS FESTIVE OCCASION, MINDFUL AND THOUGHTFUL OF THE GUIDANCE THAT YOU HAVE GIVEN US. WE WOULD ASK, TODAY LORD, THAT YOU BE WITH US IN THIS ARENA AS WE PRAY YOU WILL BE ALSO WITH US IN LIFE'S ARENA. AS RIDERS, LORD, WE DON'T ASK FOR ANY SPECIAL FAVORS IN THIS ARENA TODAY. WE ONLY ASK THAT YOU WILL LET US COMPETE IN THIS EVENT, AND IN LIFE, AS YOU DID FOR US. WE ASK THAT YOU GIVE US THE GUIDENCE TO COMPETE HONESTLY, TO BE WITH OUR COMPETITORS, AND TO GIVE US THE GRACE TO WIN WITHOUT THE SATISFACTION OF BEATING OUR COMPETITON.

HELP US TO COMPETE IN LIFE AS HONEST AS THE HORSES WE RIDE; IN A MANNER AS CLEAN AND PURE AS THE WIND THAT BLOWS ACROSS THIS COUNTRY; SO WHEN WE MAKE THAT LAST RIDE, THAT WE KNOW IS INEVITABLE, TO THE COUNTRY UP THERE.. WHERE THE GRASS IS GREEN AND LUSH AND STIRRUP-HIGH AND THE WATER RUNS CLEAN AND CLEAR; YOU WILL TELL US, AS OUR LAST JUDGE, THAT OUR ENTRY FEE'S ARE PAID.
WE ASK THESE THINGS IN CHRIST'S NAME. AMEN

We got to the show grounds, unloaded the horses, and discovered Sweet Cheeks had opened up an old cut on his foot. I had cleaned out the trailer and left the vet kit at home, it never fails. Jace went and got me a bottle of Allum to clot the cut and I still rode in my class. Sweet Cheeks was off though and so was I. Out of two classes of four I placed third and my assistant place fourth. She did well for her first show. I was pleased with her as I watched her in the ring. Of course there are a lot of things she and I both need to work on before the fall shows, but we've got time and she is a quick learner.

We were blessed with very few problems. It's probably the least stressful show I've ever been to. I'm glad everything worked out. So now we get ready for the jumper shows that are starting up. It's going to be a lot of training, but we can manage it.
Becks

A Bowhunter's Legacy: Chasing the Arrows

It would seem we are back to square one with Arie, my bow. She isn’t cooperating and is really starting to frustrate me. I spent last night down at the range with a friend chasing my arrows around the target. We’d move the sight up only to move it back down. It not only frustrated me it frustrated Jace.

As my hunting trip looms I find myself slightly panicked. I’ve called up to Black Hills Archery, he’ll take a look at my bow to make sure everything is okay and to make sure the limbs aren’t twisted. But as the frustration settles back into my chest I start to think that coming home with a moose might be next to impossible.

I’ve spent so much time in lessons learning proper form. I’ve adapted from recurve to compound. I’ve done everything to get myself ready, but I’m still struggling. The added pressure of the hunt isn’t helping. When I am shooting I do everything to push the pressure off. A lot of times I can get rid of it, but there is still that looming date September 5^th, the day I arrive in Alaska.

Sure I’ve still got plenty of time, but if I don’t find out what is going on pretty soon the hunt of a lifetime might not be worth packing my bags for.

Wisdom Wednesday

It's been awhile since we've had a wisdom Wednesday. Today I got this advice from a friend. I think it's worth passing on and living by....

"Sometimes we don't see what is right in front of us because we keep looking behind us. Turn around and look in front of you. See the future, live for it, let the past be the past."-M


Becks

The New Life: Old Friends

Today I realized how much I really do miss my friends in Omaha.
I spent fourty five minutes talking to my best friend from high school. It's amazing how much our lives have changed, how much we've both changed, but mostly its amazing how we picked up the conversation where it left off. T and I were pretty close in high school, I considered her a sister, I still do. When she asked why I hadn't called to tell her my life was falling apart I didn't have a good answer. But I honestly wanted to so bad. I guess I figured she had a lot going on in her life, she didn't need my stress too. I've missed her everyday from the day she stood up with me at my wedding. I hope we can really make time for each other, I'm longing for the fun times we used to have together.

Afterwards I roamed the Big D's facebook page. I haven't talked to him in about two months. I've called and left messages, it would appear I've done something to make him mad. The Big D and I always had a close relationship. He helped me early on in my archery career, as a matter of fact he still helps me he just doenst know it. He is just like my Pappa. I really miss talking to him. Today I saw he got a huge tom during the turkey season. It made me miss him more, knowing I wasn't there to share in the excitment. I wish things were back to normal with him. Maybe I'll invite him out for deer season and see where it leads. I miss my Pappa, I hope he comes around.

Lastly I miss Ames. I just saw her last month. We caught up and talked about our futures. I still find myself missing her. I miss how we used to go down to the arena and roam around on our horses. I miss all the laughs that echoed throughout the barn. I miss the encouragment and the hope she filled me with. In all honesty she isn't that far away, I could go up anytime and see her, but for some reason my busy life holds me back. She is another sister of mine. I hope we never lose that because I love her as if we were family.

Why I've all the sudden started missing my friends I don't know. But I do know that having Handsome in Omaha for the last week has really made me miss Omaha. When I talk to him I can almost hear Omaha behind him. I can picture him out with his friends and it really makes me miss all of my friends still there. Honestly when I ran from Omaha I didn't intend to run from my friends. I didnt mean to abandone them, it just kind of happened.


T, Big D, Ames, I love you guys so much, you are my extended family... I promise I'll make more time for you guys... I promise come hell or high water I'll be there.
Becks

From the Saddle: Luna

Legado de la Luna. That is her name, Legacy of the Moon. The day she was born was the day my life changed forever. I had made a lot of life decisions. I was distracted and un happy. When I found her in the pasture with her momma all my worries were gone.

The day of my riding accident was a bad day. Work and my relationship had worried me. My nerves and patience were fried, in hindsight that is probably what got me into the accident. But before the accident I stood down by the round pen as my assistant worked her horse. I watched her closely as she bonded with the mare. Then quietly and swiftly I felt a nibble on the back of my shirt. Luna was still lose in the pasture, and there she stood behind me.

I turned and petted her. I rubbed her whole body, it was only the second time I had ever touched her. My heart flew into my throat as I realized the gift I've been given. The only other mare I've ever bonded with was Moon, the very mare this filly is named for. I knew I was correct in naming her after her, Luna is just as special as Moon was.
The native Americans believed that white horses were symbols of light, hope, and the messenger of birth. White horses held a special place in their belief system. Luna holds a special place in my heart. She was born a few months before I decided I wanted a divorce. She is my symbol of hope, my guiding light.

She has come a long very nicely from the first day I handled her. I am excited to continue getting to know her and to continue her training. I know one day she is going to be a very talented little girl. Who knows maybe she is my next jumper. But even not she sure is a keeper.

Snap Shots

Today I needed a little bit of quiet. So I thought I'd share some snap shots from my New Life.

The New Life: Wanted- Distractions

Wanted- Distractions

Handsome is going on vacation for ten days, without me.

This will be the longest time I've been apart from him since we started dating. I'm not entirely sure how I will handle it. There was a time when I could hardly handle four days, and as his departure date looms my heart has begun to sting in my chest.

In an effort to prepare myself I've warned my friends their week will be dedicated to trying to distract me. A golf lesson, a game of tennis, jogs around the park, trail rides, shooting, two nights at the rodeo, drinking, etc , etc. It helps that my momma will be here mid vacation. She's a great distraction and I always find it hard to be sad when she is around.
But here is my prediction for the week:

Day one:

50% chance of rapid mood swings

Day two:

60% chance of random angry outburst

Day Three:

70% chance of reclusive behavior

Day Four:

60% chance distractions will cure upset behavior

Day Five:

80% chance phone calls aren’t helping, distractions will be needed

Day six:

90% chance of rampant alcoholism

Day seven:

100% chance of a hangover

Day eight:

50% chance knowing he’ll be home in three days will settle me down

Day Nine:

60% chance I’ll be pissy

Day ten:

90% chance my mood will be back to normal

I hate to admit it but I know for sure I'm going to be missing Handsome. Our brief phone calls will be nice, but it's not the same as a face to face talk, and I'm sure he'll be to busy to talk to his girlfriend. Sigh....

There is some anger right there. Oh geeze it's already begun....

Becks

A Bowhunter's Legacy: Quiet Season

We are in between seasons here in the sandhills. Currently there isn 't a hunting season open and the league season has yet to begin. It's quiet season. Which means when I'm down at the range I'm just puttering around. We started to play archery golf, which is quiet a fun way pass the time.

But yesterday I shot a 3d round. I was quite pleased with the results. My bow is shooting the best it ever has and I am very focused and not frustrated. It's helped to have a little down time and relax. It's something I will have to remember when league begins again, take time to just enjoy shooting.

It's been a lot of fun to just go shoot for the fun of it. It's a relaxed environment right now. There is a lot of conversation time and time to improve as an archer. But I must say I am ready for league to begin, I miss seeing some of the regular archers, I miss their crazy stories, I miss the commradery.

Becks

From the Saddle: Fear

Most of my riding career I've struggled with myself. Not my whole self just a little piece, it's the little piece that contains fear. I spent almost a whole year after a riding accident starring at my horse out in the pasture. I'd bring him in brush him then quickly turn him back out as soon as the thought of riding him crossed my mind. I didn't want to face my fear, I let it consume my every movement.
It wasn't until I started volunteering at a handicapped riding school I realized there was no reason to be fearful. The realization hit me like a flood. I remember the exact moment, its a moment that will stick with me forever. I will remember the relief as it flowed through my body.
The first time I mounted up after my accident my knuckles were white, I was shaking like an orange leaf in the fall, and I felt like I was going to vomit. But I swung my leg over and relaxed into the saddle. To my amazement everything I had feared didn't happen. I've never looked back since then. Every time I swing into the saddle I am reminded of my fear, because every time I mount up there is a surging pain through my knee. It's also that pain that reminds me there isn't a reason to be fearful.

This afternoon I watched my assistant struggle with her own fear. I encouraged her to work through it, knowing that if she walked away from the mare she might never mount up again. Once she had calmed herself down she was able to swing over. I smiled at her as she did it knowing that it was minor progress. She might not have beat the fear completely, but she has made progress.
It took over a year for me to conquer my own fear. I'm not expecting her fear to go away over night, but I'm also not accepting any excuses, she'll mount up and ride off into the sunset before I'll accept excuses, and considering she works nights that might be a long time!
I'll be with her every step of the way. I won't walk away until that fear is gone.
Becks

From the Saddle: Accident Prone

Through out my equestrian career I’ve seen a lot, I’ve been in a lot of bad situations. I’ve seen friends break their necks riding over jumps. I’ve felt a horse break its leg on a jump. I’ve watched horses fall into jumps. I’ve seen dreams end.

As I laid on the back board with a neck brace on in the ER I began to think about my entire career and all that has happened. I thought not only about what has happened to me but what has happened to my friends. I remembered being drug through the arena, I remembered breaking my knee on a jump standard, I remembered slamming into concrete, and I remembered the feeling of Moon breaking her leg. Pain pulsed through my body with the last memory, eventually the nurse put meds through my IV that relaxed my muscles, but it didn’t help, the pain was still in my mind.

I laid on the back board as they did the CAT scan on me. I closed my eyes and pictured Kell’s horse Kooper. He was a beautiful blood bay. His breeding was superior, he was noble, and he knew it. Suddenly I pictured the day he died. I flung my eyes open trying to avoid the memory. He broke his leg, his short life ended at eleven.

The nurses moved me from the CAT scan bed back onto the rolling bed. I closed me eyes and tried to not think about Cally and Mark. Both were killed in riding accident, Cally was 18 and Mark was 32, both lives full of potential. Mark left a pregnant wife behind. Cally was looking to join the US Equestrian Team.

I thought about all the acquaintances I knew just through showing who have been injured. I thought about all of the horses who have been lost. Simply silly I thought. Jumping is a dangerous career choice.

I could have decided to be a western pleasure trainer, a polo player, or even just a riding instructor. But I didn’t, because despite all I’ve seen and all I’ve been through, jumping is and will always be my passion.

No one will tell you that horses aren’t dangerous. Each discipline has it’s own dangers, jumping just seems to have a pretty high level of danger. Is jumping worth all the pain, blood, and tears? You bet. Because Kooper, Cally, and Mark all died doing what they loved.

My accident was sobering. I realized if I hadn’t been wearing my helmet I probably wouldn’t be writing this right now. I wouldn’t be thinking about my next ride. I wouldn’t be thankful that someone was watching out for me. Will it keep me from jumping? Probably not. Will I be cautious? You bet. I always am.

From this moment forward I will never mount up without a helmet. Neither will my assistant or our clients. I’m thankful I walked away with only a concussion, it could have been much worse, I might have not walked away at all.

God bless you and yours. Please be careful…

Becks

Dedicated to all those who have lost their lives doing what they loved...

The New Life: Dreaming

I lay in bed, wide awake starring up at the ceiling fan. I shifted a little closer to him so we were barely touching. I had been dreaming of all sorts of things when suddenly my dream turned into a nightmare, a gory nightmare. I closed my eyes as he laid his arm over me. I relaxed with his touch and eventually fell back to sleep.

I  fell into a dream with Sonny. We were sitting at the counter of the archery range. Her beautiful blue eyes beaming with life, her cigarette in hand, the TV quietly playing behind me.
“It would seem that you've finally come to terms with everything." She said as she flicked the ashes off her cigarette into the ash tray.
"Yes ma'am." I slicked my hair back and pulled it up into a pony tail
"Beautiful.” She said with a smile. “It also seems that you've found out how to make yourself happy."
"Yes ma'am. I've learned I'm the only one who can do that." I stated as I leaned on to the counter. “I’ve come to terms with everything that happened. I realized that I made some bad choices, I made mistakes. I should have listened to everyone who told me not to get married.” I sighed, “I’m in such a better place.” I smiled, “a much better place.”
She smiled "I see you've made some progress as a young woman."
I smiled, slyly, back "What does that mean?"
"It means you finally know what you want."
I paused, "Well I know what I want for sure.” I played with the lose fletching lying on the counter.
“Still in a rush?” She asked as she cocked her head and watched me.
I shook my head and smiled, “Nope, It’ll happen when it’s meant to.” I sat up and looked her in the eyes.
“So tell me, you going to fall in love again?” She asked as she clicked the TV off.
I paused. The sound of arrows smacking the wall in the range echoed throughout the dream. “Eventually, but there is no rush.”
She smiled, “Smart girl. You have learned. So tell me about the new boyfriend.”



Something threw me back to life, suddenly. I opened my eyes as he asked me a question “You feeling better?”
“Um huh.” I mumbled as I rolled over. He repositioned his arm and I quickly fell back into the dream.



She smiled at me, “Ah I see.”
I smiled back, “It’s a young relationship. We will see where it goes. Right now I’m just enjoying being with him, being his girl.”
She smiled, “Promise me you will take it slow.”
I raised my right hand, “a turtle’s pace.”
Her laughter rang through the dream; I laughed right a long with her. “Just don’t rush it.” She finally stated.
“No rush.” I promised.
She smiled at me one more time.

My alarm rang and I jolted up in bed. I turned it off and lay back down on the pillow. I curled up to him, we were on vacation, no where to be, no rush. I smiled as I thought about the dream and nestled my head next to him.
“Miss you Sonny.” I whispered then closed my eyes. I fell back to sleep quickly.


I’d like to think it really was her there with me. I hope she approves of the way I’ve changed over the past couple of months. I hope she realizes that often I think of her and miss her. She was, is, something more to me then just a friend, she is a confidant. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss her.

Losing her was a painful, but what is even more painful is not knowing if she really is here with me. Of course it doesn’t really matter; I know that if I need her she’s here because she will always be in my heart. But it would be nice to know the honest truth, if she does really approve of how I’ve changed my life.

The Ranch Girl Experience

The ranch girl experience may very well become a new series, but for today it’s stemming from a comment I made to my assistant trainer a few days ago, “we are learning how to become ranch girls.” She laughed but I was serious.

Over the past couple of months my ranch girl education has been taking crash courses. First I had a crash course in fence repair. Then a couple weeks later I had a crash course in tractor operation. Then finally I had a crash course in vehicle repair, twice…

“How do you get two vehicles stuck in the same spot?” He asked.

“Don’t ask.” I mumbled as I sunk into the Adirondack chair on the patio. He laughed as the phone crackled a little.

I rolled my eyes as I thought about what had happened. I was driving along the fence looking for where the horses had torn through it. The meadow is wet, that much I knew, just how wet was the question. I reached down to turn the radio down to listen to the ground below the truck when all the sudden I was stuck. It was something I had never felt before, no gradual slow down, no sucking, just a stuck. I sighed then leaned a little out the window to see how deep. “Half way up the wheel.” I mumbled. No need to try, it was stuck that much I knew for sure.

Earlier in the day I had questioned my assistant’s decision to wear shorts, she would quickly learn why. We got out of the truck and began the trek to the tractor. As soon as we stepped foot out of the truck we were drowning in a swarm of mosquitoes. By the time we had made it across the meadow she was covered in mosquito bites.

We found the tractor covered in spider eggs and hatchlings. I sighed and decided that since we couldn’t identify the kind of spiders we were best to leave them alone. Eventually we got back to the house and began trying to revive the old suburban. We tried to jump it but quickly realized there was more wrong with it then the battery. With a phone call and a little help from my assistant’s uncle we got it running.

I got it stuck too; on ground I thought was dry. All in all I was full of dumb decisions. But at least we got some ranch girl experience! Eventually I called in back up and we got both vehicles unstuck, just before the thunderstorm.

My assistant is in for a crash course in ranch girl. Whether she knows it or not I hope she’s up for the lessons!

Becks

The New Life: Wild Filly

The hot summer air whipped hard against my skin. The tall wild grass danced in the breeze. I watched as the mare reared. Her blue eyes shinning in the summer sunshine. She squealed and rolled her eyes, her white hooves striking the summer sun. She squealed again then sunk her front end down to the ground. She bucked hard, squealed again and then took off on a dead canter around the round pen.I watched her fight the bridle and bit. She swung her head and flipped her front end into the air. I was impressed with her furry. She bucked hard and squealed again. Then as quickly as she had exploded she settled.
The birds sung in the trees across the meadow. Her ears flickered as she watched me and listened to nature around her. She snorted then started to lick her lips and turned to face me. A brief smile floated across my face. I turned my back and listened to her quiet foot steps. She stopped two feet behind me and exhaled. I turned to face her, "I understand." I whispered.
As I stood petting her, I realized her situation was much like mine. I realized her furry was much like mine. I looked into her blue eyes and realized her heart was just like mine. Her anger was based on something similar to what I felt. But one thing was different, she had come to terms with her anger. I sighed and looked out across the meadow.
The breeze had settled a little and the other horses stood grazing in the meadow. Yellow dandelions danced amongst the strands of grass. Meadow larks sung in the warm air and the pines whispered quietly. I stood quietly as I began to piece together myself. The mare stood quietly behind me, licking her sweet copper bit.
Her owner hollered out of the barn. "Beck, you okay?"
"Yes ma'am. I was just thinking."
"Okay." She disappeared back into the aisle. The mare snorted once more then touched her nose to the small of my back. I closed my eyes and began to cry.

The mare quickly lost interest in me and found a small patch of grass to nibble. The reins swung down around her ears. I stood immobile sobbing. Not really sure of what I was crying for, not really sure why I was angry, but knowing I was angry about something and knowing I needed to cry.
So I cried and cried until no more tears came. Then I took a deep breath. The mare stood napping in the warm air. The breeze was all but gone and her tail swung quietly as she tried to brush the flies off her back. The sun was beginning to become pink in the western sky. I realized that I had been in the round pen for over three hours.
I quietly walked the mare back to the barn. I untacked her and slipped her back into her stall. C stood quietly in her office, "Beck." She whispered.
I nodded, "I was just finding myself. I realized through that mare what I've been doing. I realized that I'm trying to control my life too much. But mostly I realized that I don't have to be angry because I have nothing to be angry about."
C smiled.
I looked at her,"You did that on purpose. There is nothing wrong with that mare. she's probably already broke isn't she!"
C nodded, "yeah she's green broke. But she has a tendency to explode like she did today. She reminds me of you, I thought maybe you could learn as much from her as she could from you."
I sighed, "You bitch, always trying to teach me something."
She smiled again," better now?"
"Yes ma'am."

Silly Advice from Friends

Every once in awhile my friends give me gems of advice, they are usually so great it's hard to keep them to myself! So here we go, a new series that will appear from time to time, just for my friend's silly advice.

"Don't shave your legs, It'll make you not want to have sex." ~K.O.

This little gem came the day before I had a date. She made me laugh and now I carry it with me all the time, eventually I'll pass it on to some other friend and she'll roll her eyes just like I did. Oh and if you were wondering what my response was, "to late I already shaved."  Sorry that was probably to much information. Blunt honsety, that's what you'll get from me!

Becks

The New Life: The Games end NOW

My feet hit the pavement hard, my red hair whipped in the wild wind, music blared through my ears, my lungs stung hard, my calves ached with pain, but I pushed myself harder. I picked up the pace and pushed for the last quarter mile.

I reached the top of the hill that marks two miles. I slowed and sunk to my hands and knees, panting, barley able to breathe. Through the gasps for air tears streamed down my face. Worries about work and family flooded me. I sobbed harder and sucked cold air into my lungs.

I stayed on my knees in the gravel until I caught my breath. I sat down and looked out into the valley. The cows were grazing peacefully, unaware of any troubles in life. I was still crying, but my anxiety medicine had kicked in. I took deep breaths and relaxed. I listened to the wind whipping through the short grass. I could smell the alkaline lakes in the valley.

I closed my eyes and let the sandhills soothe my soul. I replayed recent, happy, memories in my head. I relaxed, the tears subsided, and so did the fear. “It’s all just a game.” I could hear him say, “Just a game.” I laughed, “Yes your right.” I mumbled then stood up and wiped the gravel off of me.

The walk home seemed longer then the run. My body begged for mercy. I pushed on and finally made it home. I went straight to the tub and sunk into a bubble bath. I relaxed and stopped worrying.  I’m not entirely sure what relaxed me. Maybe it was the happy memories. Maybe it was knowing that my safe harbor is very close.

I did decide that no matter what I’m not going to let people fuck with me anymore. I’ve learned over the past couple of weeks that you can’t carry work home with you. It has to stay at work. I’m making an effort to leave it there. I’m also making an effort to improve in my job. We will see how it goes. But no matter what I’m not going to let people mess with me anymore. I’m done playing those games, life is too damn short…

From the Saddle: Cute Undies Aren't for Horseback Riding

I learned a couple of lessons from my horse this weekend. First I learned that if he says the cinch isn’t tight, he’s probably right. After I finally got the cinch tight and got into the saddle I learned that if he says the mud is too deep, it probably is, and lastly I learned that cute undies are not necessarily proper for horseback riding.

I saddled Sweet Cheeks up in the English saddle and got ready to mount up. I use a mounting block due to the fact that my knee can’t support all of my weight while swinging up. Sweet Cheeks kept side stepping and dancing around, something he has never done, something he was specifically trained not to do. I cursed at him and finally got him to stand still. I put my foot in the stirrup and swung up, my saddle slipped and I found myself on the ground. He stood looking at me like I was an absolute idiot. “I told you so.” I could almost hear running through his head, “silly girl, you never listen.”

After I fixed everything and finally got mounted we worked our way across the meadow. The lake is swollen with water which spills out into the meadow turning it into a swamp. Usually there is a good crossing in the middle of the pasture, unfortunately it wasn’t this weekend. He danced and pranced and tried to avoid crossing. I pushed him on, daring him to find out what would happen if he didn’t. He set his head and trudged across the meadow. Mid way the mud got deep and he had to pull his feet higher out of the ground. He snorted and again I could hear, “I told you so silly woman.” I mumbled, “Yeah shut up.”

By the time I had finished riding I had the worst wedgie I’ve ever had. I learned that lesson without Sweet Cheeks comments. Forget the cute undies to ride in, they aren’t necessary! But at least I didn’t have underwear lines!

Becks

The New Life: Home Sickness

Today I find myself missing Omaha. The whole time I lived in Omaha I really wanted to be in Alliance. Now that I live in Alliance, my hometown, I find myself really wishing I lived in Omaha. Don’t get me wrong I’m fairly happy here. I have a good job that I enjoy most days and I live on the family ranch and ride my horses everyday. I can see the stars at night and watch the sunrise and set in the hills. I have great friends here. I’m happy, I posses inner peace, something that never existed within me in Omaha.

When I start to miss Omaha it’s usually because I’m missing someone or some place in Omaha. Right now it’s the girl I consider to be my best friend. She’s going through a really tough time. Her job has become really hard on her, she and her high school sweetheart broke up, she is now a single parent, and her mother is on her death bed. Kells got me through a lot in high school. I met her the day after we moved to Omaha. She became my confidant; the one I knew was always in my corner. If anyone can read me like a book, it’s her. I don’t have siblings, well except for Kells, she’s the closest thing to a sister I’ll ever have. I wish I could wrap her in a hug and reassure her she’s going to make it through. I wish her life would get easier. I wish I could be in Omaha right now just for her.

The place I miss most is the shooting range. I could drive to it on my sleep. I could shoot the range with my eyes closed. I can still hear Sonny’s laugh and smell her cigarettes. I can hear the arrows flying down range and the classic rock playing over the stereo. I can still picture most of the regulars and see F Street out the front windows.

The second place I miss is the horse barn in Elkhorn. I can still hear the sleeping horses and the sound of tack and buckles hitting the rails. I can hear Brenda providing orders to her clients down in the arena. I can smell the horses and feel the wood shavings against my skin. I can feel the breeze flow through the aisles and hear the tractor rumbling out in the paddocks. I can see Amy’s smile and her happy appy standing in the cross ties.

The last place I miss is home. My momma’s home was always my sanctuary. I can still feel the carpet between my toes and see the yard through the windows, sunlight streaming in warming the cockles of my heart and soul. I can feel the purest happiness as I snuggle on her couch and watch House or Ghost Hunters or Real Housewives. I can feel the sticky keyboard of the computer I did most of my homework on. I can smell dinner cooking in the oven. Happiness, pure happiness is what I feel the most.

What I miss the most about Omaha is the activity and the availability. If you want to go do something on the weekend, there’s something locally to do. If you break your bow or lose a piece of tack there is a store open. If you want to plant the most beautiful flower bed in town there is a nursery. Need to fix something in the house; well you’ve got a few home repair stores to choose from. Need a new rifle, there are six outdoor stores locally, you don’t even have to cross the river! And you feel like having a drink and going to gamble, well lets cross the bridge and waste the night at the casino.

I miss the events, the taste of Omaha, the farmers market, the art in the park. I miss the mounted police and the horse drawn wagons in old town. I miss people not knowing where my hometown is, “Alliance is that even in Nebraska?” I just miss Omaha.

I wish I could transplant a piece of Omaha right here to Alliance. I'd transplant Kells or bring Momma home for good. Maybe I'd bring the taste of Omaha here or even Shakespeare on the green. I'd bring old town here or Spaghetti works. Maybe the bow shop Woods and Waters or the tack store The Paddock. How about Funny Bone comedy club. I suppose that would never work. But I do have a small piece of Omaha with me, it's my Bellevue East t-shirt, guess I'll go put that on and see if it helps.

They say the only remedy for homesickness is to go home. Sometime soon I’ll have to pack my bags and escape for a few days. Escape back to the place that used to be the most dreaded place in the entire world. Would I move back? I dunno, am I ready to visit, hell yes… So watch out Omaha here I come!

Becks

The New Life: Momma

My momma is a world class woman. Of course almost everyone says that about their momma, cause most of the time its true. But my momma, she's special. She's done so much for me. She raised me on her own and turned me into a pretty great adult, or so I'd like to think. She led by example and always taught me what was right.
She's given me a lot of hope and advice throughout the years. When I was in my darkest days she pulled me through. She always has the right words to heal the wounds or make the happiness grow. Shes there for me no matter what. I love my momma for all the unconditional love she provides me.
It's nice to have someone so great in your corner. I just wish we lived closer because I miss her everyday.
Love you Mom, Happy Mother's Day
Rebecca

A Bowhunter's Legacy: Connection

I knocked my arrow, drew back anchored and settled into the shot. I focused on the target behind my pin and stopped wrestling it. I relaxed and started to push and pull. My trigger went off and I heard the arrow smack the target. I ignored where it had hit and drew again, following the same sequence. The trigger went off and I heard the arrow hit. Once again I drew, release the trigger and then settled my bow onto the bow stand. I walked down range expecting to see arrows all over the target, but instead I found a nice group. Three arrows level to center but a little to the left.
I smiled and relaxed into the rest of my shots. Some were good some were bad but I never held onto the shots, once they were out of my control I let them go and didn't worry about them. I shot so much better. I have finally made the connection in my head, being relaxed equals better shots.
I cased my bow and came home, happy with the improvement, but knowing full well the struggle isn't over yet. I still have some bad habits and I have to get over them, hopefully my pro will be able to help me with that.

Becks

The New Life: The Loss

My appearance to others has always been a struggle for me. In my head I was never thin enough or pretty enough. My hair was never right, my eyes weren't the right color, my smile never as beautiful as it should be. For a lot of years I dealt with criticism from my own family about my weight. Then this past January I committed to losing the weight. I had developed enough venom to really put myself into it 100 percent. Two people in specific gave me that push. One for a bad reason the other for a good.
So I dropped twenty pounds between January and March. I was pretty proud of myself. I felt great, I felt alive again. Then all of the sudden I fell off the wagon. I stopped working out, I blew the diet out the window, and I lost my venom.
Two weeks ago I heard some intriguing news through a friend. I let the news stew inside me for awhile, then like a rattlesnake I struck. I woke up one morning, earlier then normal, about 2:30, got dressed and struck out the door and down the road on a run. My calves burned, my lungs stung in the cold air, and the sweat grew cold under my hoodie. But I pushed myself for that mile. I pushed hard.
By the time I got back to the house at 3:30, I was exhausted. But I had chores to do and a shower to take. Through the pain in my calves, I felt great and happy. I went to work and had one of the best days. The energy pulsed through my body as I thought about getting back on the wagon. My goal for 50 pounds by May is out the window, but I'm thinking 50 total pounds by August is reachable.
I've developed a support system recently. People to help push me when I want to quit. It helps 110 percent to have someone in your corner. It makes a diet seem a little more bearable. So here we go, I've got the running shoes laced and the lettuce in the fridge, even though I'm not very excited about the lettuce. 50 pounds by August. It's a goal I'm not willing to let myself give up on. Because even though I might not be pretty in anyone else's eyes, I'm pretty in my own, no matter what.
Becks

Thanks Miranda for the picture. I had to use it in my blog because it is such a beautiful picture of me. Why? Because right there that smile is the real me and I haven't seen her in awhile.

From the Saddle: Spring Canter

As promised here is the new series From the Saddle!

This afternoon I spent some time in the saddle. It was a much needed break from my crazy life. Legend had spent the better part of the morning giving a new jumper a lesson. I decided that we both just needed a nice long canter through the hills, so we went.
I opened the gate, tacked him up, and away we went, into the hills. He settled nicely into a walk and then a trot. The wind had settled and there were big puffy clouds in the sky. I relaxed and took a deep breath of the fresh spring air. A pair of pheasants skittered through the grass and then finally flushed up into the sky. Legend's ears moved a little as he watched them, "it's alright." I crooned. He crested his neck and let a little crow hop out. "Alright lets go."
I asked for a smooth canter, he easily took it in stride and moved out. I settled into the saddle and smiled a little. My soul sung as we cantered across the meadow. I slowed him as we came to the wet spots. He settled easily and crested his neck. Mud flung up onto my jeans. The smell of fresh soil filled my lungs.
We worked our way across the meadow and road up into the soft hills. Then I really put him to work. I asked for a canter, he moved easily into it and cantered through the soft, thawed, dirt. "Easy." I crooned as we topped one hill and cantered down it. His gray mane floated in the wind.
Eventually I slowed him back down to a walk and pointed him towards home. I laid the reins across his neck and let him do the walking. There is no other horse on this planet I would trust as far as I trust him. Soon we reached the gate and eventually the hitching post. He waited patiently while I dismounted. I rubbed him down, actually brushed him, then let him lose back into the pasture where his mare stood waiting for him.
He found a soft patch of dirt and rolled. I sat on the mounting block and watched them for a long while. My heart was happy, I was happy, the world for that brief moment in time didn't matter to me. I watched him and his mare communicate with ear flickers. I figured he was telling her about the hard work I had just put him through.
Eventually time will come where I will be able to spend hours in the round pen and on the backs of my horses. Eventually my crazy life will allow me some peace. It might be soon, but then again it might not be. But if I can get two hours of peace a week, like I did today, well then everything is going to be just fine.
Becks

Welcome to The New Life

When I first realized I was going to be going through a divorce I started the series The Road to a New Life. It was filled with my whining about my ex. My hurt feelings, and complaining about how hard it was to move forward. Ugh. But it did help me get through some really rough times, it was my outlet.

I've been separated and divorced now for six months. My life has completely changed in that short amount of time. I'm optimistic once again. I'm happy and full of life. The original, real, Beck is back, and here to stay.

So I decided that I would start a new series entitled, The New Life. I am also going to be adding a horse series entitled, From the Saddle, which will contain only adventures from the saddle and show ring. Both will be joining A Bowhunter's Legacy, which has pretty much taken over this blog, weekly.

So Let's Start of The New Life, right here and now!

A Month's Progress

There is always something about April that turns me upside down, it's like Topsy turvy month! When I was younger I always blamed it on the weather changes. In Nebraska the weather goes from winter to summer in about two days, but for some reason this April has been different. We are still getting small, insignificant, amounts of snow, and if you know anything about me it's that I hate snow. This year I'm thinking I can't blame my Topsy turvy emotions on the weather. Instead I know for sure what the problem is, major life changes.
I happy with my life changes. The original Beck is back. I've developed my outgoingness (yes I'm pretty sure I made that word up), happiness, and spirit for life once again. There was a period of about 14 days where I had reverted back into my old ways, mostly because of my ex and the fact that my bow isn't cooperating with me, but the morning I woke up and realized I wasn't happy was the morning I shut all of that down. Sure I'm still struggling with my bow, and im not sure ive made all the right decisions, but that doesn't mean it has to effect me so drastically.
The life changes were for the best. I really enjoy being happy again. I really know now that the only way I will ever be truly happy is if I make myself happy, I can't depend on someone else to do that for me. I've committed myself to continue on with my happiness and changes. I'm ready to move on, I've stopped questioning that fact, I am ready.

Welcome to the New Life, It's going to be an unforgettable ride!
Becks

Shooting Through the Pain

A couple of days ago I was in a horse accident. My horse went left and I rode him right, all the way to the ground. I smacked my head on the ground hard enough to make my nose bleed. If it hadn't been for my helmet I probably would have broke my head. I bruised my back and shoulders and am probably suffering from whip lash. I have a bruise the size of Texas on my back and another one the size of Rhode Island on my leg. I'll live of course, but it really shook me up. Even worse then some of the other accidents I've been in, simply because I fell on concrete.

I'm shooting back tension now, guess what you have to use to shoot back tension, your back muscles! Mine are currently bruised and throbbing with pain! Shooting through the pain is not impossible, it's just painful! I'm shooting 60 arrows a day right now, working my way up to 100. I've been really inconsistent as of late, let's blame that on my injury. Sounds like a plan.
My goals after the pain is gone is to consistently shoot back tension, and stop trigger punching. That may very well require a back tension release. As a matter of fact I'm pretty sure it will. With a back tension only release I can shoot a two or less inch group, with my current trigger I am shooting a six or greater inch group. That's inconsistency if you ask me.

If I could get rid of this target panic I'd be golden. Ugh, I guess I shouldn't worry to much, I've got time to get everything sorted out...

Becks

Pull, Pull, PULL!

I had my pro lesson up at Black Hills Archery today. It was great, my pro is a really great teacher and I walked away from my lesson with no frustration. He properly fit my bow to me and helped me work on my bow arm. I have been having a problem with dropping my arm, it took five shots and that was fixed. Then we moved on to the more difficult thing, back tension.
I must say I really like shooting back tension. It does make my muscles sore, but I'm hoping that once my muscles develop my back won't hurt so bad. So now I need to invest in a reliable back tension release, with a safety.
Right now I'm not so worried about where I am hitting. I'm worried about my form and pushing and pulling. I have to set myself up then close all conversations with myself and think, pull, pull, PULL! It works and I just love the surprised feeling, I'm not sure why but I do. Maybe it's because its not frustration!
Well I'm off to shop for a release. Any recommendations?
Becks

Season Close

The 3d season at my local club closed this past weekend. I shot three out of four sets of tournaments this year. I had a blast doing it, I learned a lot, and made some good friends. It was an up hill battle all the way, but I fought tooth and nail to get it done. I thought about quiting more then once, but I fought with myself to keep going. It helped to have encouragement by those new friends of mine.

I've got a couple of months before the season starts again, which means I have a lot of time to sort my shooting technique out. C taught me to do what's right by me. So I intend to shoot and shoot and shoot some more until I get consistent. If that means 40 arrows every single day, then that is what it means.

There are several hunting trips planned for me this year. I'm pumped about all of them, but I do need to build confidence in myself. I feel like if I walk into the hunting trips without being prepared and being the best shooter I can possible be by then, well then I've not only let myself down but I've let everyone pulling for me down too.

So I've set some goals for myself to accomplish by the end of summer.
I want to have a consistent draw and anchor. No more changing anchor points every shot.
I want to be able to have a grip on the bow that doesn't inhibit it from shooting the best it possibly can.
I also want to be shooting paper at 20, 30, 40, and 50 yards.

My goals for next season? Well I haven't set any yet. I'm just focusing on the next couple of months. But seriously I HAVE to get my act together...

The Jump

Yesterday was a beautiful day, it actually felt like spring! A feeling I have been longing desperately for. The beautiful day enabled me to get a little riding done. With the help of Jase I set up a small course with low jumps. I warmed Sweet Cheeks up and focused myself. All my rambling worries and thoughts drowned in concentration.
I moved the gray into a canter and focused harder on what I wanted to do. I counted rhythmically in my head, one, two, three. Up. I stood in my stirrups as the gray jumped over the bars. Happiness, relief, and joy flooded my body. I had to stop the gray to hug him. I wrapped my arms around his thick neck and breathed horse.
He chomped hard on the bit, wondering why we had stopped mid course. Wrapped tightly in joy I was unaware I had alarmed Jase. He touched my leg, "are you okay." I sat up in my stirrups. "Uh huh. I'm just over whelmed with joy."
Jase looked at me funny. I paused, "It's a feeling I can't explain." I looked out across the meadow and watched the meadow larks play in the grass. "It's a feeling that everything is right in the world."
He smiled, "I understand. I've watched you struggle and I am happy you are finally happy."
"Thank you." I whispered. He smiled and walked back to where he had been sitting. I watched the birds a little bit longer and melded once again with my horse.

I plan to get back on the jumper circuit this summer. I have the perfect opportunity and I no longer feel depressed about riding. I've made some new friends here who all ride. I've made connections with people on the jumper circuit out here. I'm going to go for it and not let me inhibitions hold me back. I've got talent, or so I've been told, and it'll be a shame to let it all go to waste.
I'd forgotten how much I really enjoy jumping...
Becks

What Shooting Taught Me About Myself

First off I wanted to share my tournament results. I didn't break my personal best, but I did break 200 both days, I'm extremely happy. Friday night I shot a 202 and on Saturday I shot a 222. I quickly learned what is making me jump my scores, it's the team I shoot with. When I shoot with the guys who help me with the yardage, watch my shoots, help me correct improper form, and tell me what a great shot I just made; when in fact I felt great about the shot. Then I jump my score. Positive thinking equals positive shooting.

I've decided on trying a back tension release. The shooter, C, whom I've been watching and shooting with the last couple of tournaments recommended one of them. I've watched C shoot for the last couple of shoots and today I finally asked for his help, and guess what he's set me straight. He taught me to do what is right for me and not worry about proper form. If I can hit paper at twenty yards with an open hand and back tension, then that's what I need to do. He's right of course, and I already knew it. But it took me so so long to recognize it.
I learned about myself in these last two shoots. I've learned that positive thinking really influence me. I've learned to listen to my gut. But most of all C taught me that I can stand up for myself and shoot however I damn well please!
So I guess I'm not going to let anyone, except myself, change who I am. I'm still going to take my pro lesson, just because I want to hear what he has to say. I mean I'm still open to suggestions and infact I LOVE advice but I'm not going to let anyone FORCE me to change how I shoot. I do believe Sonny told me that once, "Don't let anyone change the way you shoot. You are a world class shooter, don't lose confidence in yourself." I've spent to long letting others dictate to me how to shoot. I've spent to long letting others dictate how I live my life. But through shooting recently I've developed a spine and I intend to keep it.
My confidence is high, I don't intend to let it be broken again. The real me is back!!!
Becki

No Improvement

I'm still stuck in a rut. A deep deep rut. This weekend I spent six hours shooting. There was no improvement. Even after all the repairs to the bow. So I've bit the bullet, I made an appointment for a pro lesson up at Black Hills Archery in Rapid City South Dakota. Its a drive, that's for sure. But It HAS to be done, I have to figure out my problem.
I know one lesson isn't a guarantee that all my problems will be solved, but hopefully my instructor will be able to tell me what I'm doing wrong and tell me how to fix it. I've heard rave reviews about him, I hope he's as good as the say. This may be the make it or break it point. I'm tired of struggling, I just want mild improvement!

This weekend I'm shooting the season closer here at the range. I know I shouldn't be competing, but I have to, I can't help myself. Miss Abbie and Chief will be shooting with us. I'm really excited for her, she's a lot of fun. I've helped her get back into shooting and it makes me happy to see her hitting the bulls eye right off the bat, even though I have nothing to do with it. She's a natural and I am soooo happy she's gotten back into it!
There is talk about starting a women's league next year. I think it's a great idea and I hope we can recruit more women to shoot with us. Here I am talking about the future, I guess I'm not completely ready to give up, I'm just close...
Becks

That Explains A LOT!

When I went from shooting half an inch of the paper at sixty yards to shooting two inches off the paper I was very mad. I figured since the arrow was hitting low I was dropping my arm. When I went from shooting dead on to shooting left at thirty yards I was even more mad. I figured I was torquing the bow.
When I went from dropping and to the left back to wall shoots I was furious. And then the light at the end of the tunnel struck me like a train. MC was examining my bow, figuring something had gone wrong. Sure enough the cams were out of time. He went to reset the cams and realized that the cams weren't properly installed. So he fixed it.
I shot six arrows out of it after he repaired it. Paper all the way, dead center. The true test will be Thursday when I shoot foam once again. We shall see but so far I am relieved to find that it wasn't really me all along!!! Wish me luck I'm hoping to have solved my current laments!
I still intend to spend the summer on a blank bale, making my form top notch. I really want to shoot the Cheyenne triple crown, but I'm going to have to be a lot more consistent to do that. I have a new shooting buddy, Miss Abbie. She's picked up shooting once again, a lot like I did, after a long vacation. She is already shooting dead on at 20 and 30 yards. She'll be ready for the last shoot of the season, and I am I really looking forward to having her there with me, she's a blast!!!
As for lessons, the Big D assures me he'll teach me a thing or two when he gets here. I hope so, cause hes the best I know!
Becks

Lost and Found

I went through my tack trunk this morning. I hadn't been in it for probably two years. I keep my show equipment in it. I rummaged around looking and inspecting each piece, making sure it was all okay for this years season.
I sat in the newly green grass and enjoyed the smell of leather and horse sweat. A cool breeze blew through my fleece coat, but it didn't bother me, the sun warmed my back. I smiled as I remembered all the memories I had made. I thought of all the twists and turns I had been on through all of this.
When I got to the bottom of the tack trunk I found a lone ribbon pressed firmly against the plastic box, a photograph attached to it. DW stood next to me beaming ear to ear. My horse was mid yawn as I cringed in the saddle.
I fought back tears as I thought of the day. It was they day I knew he really did love me as his own. I had been thrown from my saddle in the middle of the show. My back ached hard as I remounted and finshed the class. I of course didn't win, I placed five out of five. But DW was proud of me none the less. I remember what he said to me, "That's what real cowgirls do. They get back up and finish. I'm proud of you baby girl."

I tucked the picture and ribbon into my coat pocket and crammed the tack back into the trunk. I stood up shoved it into the tack room and walked back to the house. I paused mid way as it suddenly struck me, it was his birthday.
I pulled the picture from my pocket one last time. I smiled again as I thought about the day. I looked up at the sky. "I miss you too." I whispered. The breeze softened a little. I smiled again and lingered a little longer.
Becki

The Wake

"Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back"

I thought that specific line from Florence and the Macines' song Dog Days are Over fit so perfectly for this post. I thought, while I was struggling through my divorce that the wake would be the worst part. But so far it hasn't been. Sure I've gotten into at least one mess in two weeks, but I've quickly remedied the situation.
But like Florence says the Dog Days are over. My life isn't miserable anymore. I don't lay in bed and pray that I don't have to get up. Most mornings I bounce out of bed and head to work, where I spend my time building friendships and relationships with my customers. I've made so many new friends and immersed myself into the Archery life.

The enjoyment of living has started to come back. Of course I'm not saying everyday is perfect, but everyday brings challenges for me to over come. I love the thrill of a challenge. I'm living my life one day at a time. I'm breathing every breath and thinking about every moment.

God has given me a chance to make my life my own. He's guided me to this very point in time and he'll continue to guide me further. The reasons for my divorce are my own, God lead me to this answer. The morning I watched the doe walk away from her buck I knew what He meant. When I asked for the answer He gave it to me. I've asked for a lot of guidance from him, and when I listen I get what I've asked for. When I don't listen is when I get myself into a mess.

There is something I want really badly. I've wanted it for awhile, but I've been extra patient. I'm thinking I'm going to have to continue to be extra patient with it. Which is fine because that is what God wants. He's teaching me a lesson.

My friends have been quizzing me about what I want in a potential boyfriend. It gives me pause. I have a list made out in my head, but I have to think about how flexible I am with it. Curious? Alright I'll show you the list.
1. An outdoorsman, Rifleman, bowman, or Horseman
2. Reliable
3. Generous and considerate
4. Excellent with kids. Wants a family of his own eventually
5. Patient
6. This one is a biggie and is non flexible, faithful!

There's the list. How flexible am I? I'm not sure, but number six is non flexible, I'll never go through what I've been through ever again.
In the meantime the wake hasn't been to bad. There haven't been any tidal waves, and I'm not anticipating any. I'm looking toward the future. But most of all I'm happy. After all the Dog Days are over.
Becki

Love the Spring

Its been really nice weather for the last two weeks. Things have been moving forward at such a quick pace that I've hardly had time to breath. I've been shooting my bow a lot. I need to be practicing as much as I can, next week I'm going turkey hunting with the Big D in the Pine Ridge. I've also been shooting my handgun a lot, I have concealed handgun class coming up in May, I'm pretty excited for that. But most of all I've been riding a lot.
Today it was cold and windy with a little bit of snow but a close friend of mine came down to ride today so we rode. Boo boo is becoming buddy sour. It's going to take a lot of time and work to get him to settle back down. But right now I've got to many irons in the fire. So he may be going to a friend so he can work him for me. Ugh, I absolutely hate not being able to train my horses everyday. This summer I've lined up help to train all of the horses in the North pasture. That totals twelve. It's going to be a busy summer I can already tell.

I've been working with the archery club for a couple of months now. I've come up with some ideas I need to run past the president of the club but I'm really excited because I think he'll like the ideas too. One is to add a Ladies shoot to the season and possible add another shoot to the season. I also want to line up a end of season party for the club. My hopes are that it will attract some new members and keep the club growing and running.
In the mean time I've been shooting great. Paper all the way. We shot 3D this last week. I did pretty well. Only hitting the wall 4 times out of 20 was pretty exciting to me. They were mostly fives, but at least they were foam!!! I'm going to keep working hard. After the season ends I intend to go back to the blank bale and work all summer until deer season in September to get myself to setup the same way every time, and to make good shots right out of the box. Oh so much work. I really wish there was an archery coach close by. Maybe next time I'm in Omaha I'll have to line up a lesson. We'll see....
Becks