The New Life: Hit the Pavement

For two weeks I’ve been a good girl. I’ve kept the impact level on my knee to the bare minimum. But today I broke down. I quickly changed my cloths and pulled the running shoes on. Two weeks without running was beginning to drive me crazy.

My feet hit the rough pavement hard as the recoil slammed pain into my knee. I pressed on through the pain, something I’ve learned I have to do.  My worries melted as I pushed harder for longer strides down the road.  Music blared through my ears as I wound my way down the road. At the two mile mark I stopped, breathing hard and regretting my decision.

The last couple of weeks played through my head. The bubbling frustration began to subside. I sunk down into the grass along the road. A handful of dragon flies danced in the cooling summer night. I sighed, still huffing. The two week break had really taken a lot of my stamina out of me. I sat in the grass for a little while and watched the sandhills for a little while. In the distance I could hear the haying tractors and the sound of the trains down at Antioch.

I thought about conversations I’ve had with Bowman. The drastic difference between the way Bowman and I communicate and how my ex and I communicated. I smiled, wrapped my arms around my legs and settle my chin on my knees. They were still slamming with pain, I intended to finish the run, I just wanted the pain to subside a little bit before I continued on. I could hear the scolding from Bowman in my head. I laughed as a rush of happiness hit me.

Running used to be a way of venting my frustration, but over the last couple of runs I’ve come to realize I run because it makes me happy. It’s not just about getting rid of the frustration, it’s about taking some time to get away from everything and find myself. Shooting does the same thing, riding too, but running it does something different. I feel like if I am literally running maybe it will keep me from emotionally running away.

Pain ached through my legs as I sunk into this chair to write this blog. In the morning my knees will be killing me, but it’s worth it. I’m not frustrated or worried, I’m happy. Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed for two miles, but oh well, it did me some good.

The New Life: The Archer's Protection

Today I took a drive to visit a friend of mine. Her real name is Susan, but we all call her Beans. How she got the nick name isn’t important. What is, is how I know her. We met through the Bordeaux Art Society. An art group I am a part of. I met her two years ago, she’s been with me through a lot, she’s the one I run to when I need some out of this world advice. She is one crazy woman, but that is what I love the most about her, she has answers I can’t get from anyone else.

Our conversation started as I sat across the table from her my coffee mug warmed in my hand. She’d gotten a little heavy handed with the Irish cream and I struggled through the sweetness. “So tell me.” She asked, “Why are you here?”

I sat back in my chair, “Come on Beans. I came to see you.”

“Bullshit.” She chuckled, “You only come when you need advice.”
I sighed. “I suppose that’s an accurate assumption.” I took a hard swallow of the coffee, trying to make room for more so I could dilute it.
“Alright Becks, tell me.” She said with a straightforward smile.
I closed my eyes, “Remember that whole promise I made to myself.”
“Well which one? You’ve made a lot of them lately.”
I opened my eyes, “Not supportive.”
She shrugged, “It’s true and you know it.” She mumbled then took a sip of her coffee.
“The one about love.”
“Ah ha. Don’t give your heart to another man until November. I do remember that one.” She said with a nod.
“Yeah, well I didn’t make it until November.” I mumbled taking another hard swallow trying to avoid her eye contact.

She didn’t scold like I was expecting, she simply said, “It happens. Are you sure you love him?”

I nodded, “I’m positive.”
“Do you even know what love is?” She asked.
I paused trying to formulate my answer. “Well I didn’t. But I do now.”
“Tell me.” She stated with frankness, doubting me.
I leaned onto the table and started at my coffee. “Tell you what?”

She sighed, “How do you know. You’ve only been a couple for a little while.”

I looked up at her. “I know. That’s what I can’t explain.”
She leaned back in her chair, “I’ve got a theory about love.” She paused to make sure I was listening, “There are two ways that love happens. The first is instant. The second is learned. But there is the ultimate love, it’s both instant and learned, it’s a love that will sustain through everything. I do not doubt you love him, but tell me is it a love that will sustain?”

“I don’t know. I just know that what I feel for him, it’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before. There is no doubt in my mind. The love is as solid as a couple who's been together for fifty years.”

“It sounds like a pure love. No body can define it or say that it has symptoms. You just have to know in your heart. If he's the one, you already know."
She paused.
"Was he the one who was trying to get you ready for Alaska?" She asked.
I nodded as I poured some black coffee into my mug.

“Ah. The one you fell hard for a couple of months ago?”

I nodded again.

She smiled. “Beck, do you remember what I told you back when we first met?”

I shook my head, “You’ve told me a lot of things.”

“Stop rushing life. Because you’re going to get to the end of it and look back and think, fuck why was I rushing? Take a deep breath and enjoy this ride. Enjoy this part of the relationship. If you rush through this you’ll never get it back.” She reached her hand across the table to touch mine, “Just take your time. Enjoy every second you get with him and know that eventually you’ll get what you want. I remember the phone call when you told me all about him and how you wanted so badly for him to ask you out. You got that didn’t you?”

I smiled thinking about how it all went down, “Yes Beans.”

“Okay then don’t rush the poor man just because you’ve been waiting. Under the protection of the Archer, what you seek will find you.”

I smiled. “The Archer?”

“The constellation. He’s fierce and war like. Just like you. He’s your protector. Let him do his work and what you seek will find you.” She said as she retracted her hand back to her coffee mug.

She's right of course. After all patience paid the first time and after a frank conversation with Bowman I think we stand on good ground. I'm not a patient person, I don't handle not getting what I want well. Never have, it's part of being an only child. But no one said I wouldn't get what I want, I just have to give it some time. Time it's such a precious thing...

The New Life: Anxious for Fall

When I was younger I dreaded the fall. It meant going back to school and that the winter was right around the corner. It meant that the freedom of summer was quickly revoked. I loved the scorching hot days of summer. I loved swimming in the lake and loping the horses through the summer grasses. I loved the thunderstorms and the rain. I loved the simple beauty of the sandhills in the summer. Don’t get me wrong I still love all those things, but I’m beginning to think my judgment of the fall when I was younger was unfair.

I’m anxiously awaiting the fall this year. It brings my birthday, all the archery hunting season, and orange leaves on the trees. Fall means cooler days in the round pen, fly free afternoons on the horse, but it also means that the A circuit shows are in full swing.

Of course I won’t be on the show circuit this fall. Sweet Cheeks is lame, for how long I don’t know. I find it unfair to make him work hard while he’s in pain, so the show season will wait, maybe indefinitely.

I’ve choose to focus my attention on hunting. But not just hunting, bow hunting. The trip to Alaska has been delayed, but that just means I have more time to hunt here at home. Deer season and turkey season are quickly approaching. I find myself itching to don the camo, wake up at the ass crack of dawn, and sit in the cool frost waiting for my big buck and tom turkey to walk into range. It’ll have to wait a couple more weeks; September 15^th is the official day of opening for archery deer and turkey season. I’m so enthusiastic about it I’m thinking about taking the day off!

This fall is also going to bring another anniversary for me. The anniversary of the day I decided I wanted change, big change. I'm excited to see where I am by November 16^th. I bet you I’ll be right where I hoped I’d be. We will just have to hold out hope and see where it goes. November 16^th, that’s the day, the big day. I’m anxious…

The New Life: A Ghost From the Past

There are two types of people in this world. There are the people who when you tell them you are the happiest you’ve ever been say “I’m so happy for you. Your life is finally going right!” and then there are the people who try their hardest to drag you back to the bottom the second they find out you are remotely happy. I am currently dealing with someone from the past whom is the latter of the two.

It seems he finds me every time I become happy. He’s always got something to harp on, some snide remark, and some attempt to ruin my happiness. It’s worked in the past, but today I decided to call him out. I choose a long time ago to not deal with him. I choose myself over him, I decided that my life was more important then anything he ever had to think about me, but he choose to be an asshole.

He’s found out I’m in a loving, genuine, relationship and it’s driving him crazy. He’s made it his goal to make me miserable. Well I can promise you one thing, this is my vent, this is the last you’ll hear of it because he won’t ever affect me the way he wants to.

Even though he is an asshole, I’m happy for him. His life seems to have gotten better. Of course I’m not directly involved and quite honestly I don’t want to be involved. But on the surface he seems happy. I am not going to try and ruin that for him. I just wish he could give me the same courtesy.

Becks

The New Life: Ketchup!

Tomorrow is the 23^rd. The 23^rd seems to be a pretty good date to me. I was officially divorced on the 23^rd of March. On the 23^rd of April I was back to my maiden name. By May 23^rd my heart felt pretty much healed. On June 23^rd I shot the best score I’ve shot yet with my Parker. On the 23^rd of July my feelings for Bowman were confirmed in my heart. Tomorrow is the 23^rd of August; I wonder what it has in store for me. Guess we will just have to wait and see.

I wanted to catch you all up on my crazy week, so here goes nothing!

Bowman had a protest about my last blog, “You make it sound almost like I was stalking you.” He remarked.

I laughed, but let me clear it up, Bowman wasn’t stalking me. We just kept noticing each other. I’d pass him on the highway and think there he goes. He’d come into the store and I’d think, you can linger a little bit longer. Now that he is mine, I still think the same things, they are just constant. But no, there was no stalking.

Our relationship has grown and gotten a lot stronger. Our communication is like nothing I’ve ever experienced. We are committed to each other and make an effort to be a couple. He’s willing to make time for me and I’m willing to make time for him. We have common interests and share common ground. We are a really great couple and I feel so safe with him, I know he’s with me through anything the universe could throw at me. I’m with him to, no matter what.

Over the past week a lot of other things have gone on. I’ve had my knee looked at, the conclusion isn’t promising. I’m, literally, dragging my feet with making a decision. What the doctor proposes would change my life completely. The simple answer is I’m scared, and until I’m not scared anymore I am going to keep dragging my feet.

The trip to Alaska has been postponed. It breaks my heart completely, but I know it’s for the better. I would be in a bad place if my knee gave out on me in the Alaskan Brush. Postponing the trip to the spring will give me time to decide about my knee and to be in a better place with my job.

I’m making progress within my job. I’m still not exactly where I’d like to be. But I feel more comfortable being a leader and setting an example. I’m okay with discipline and okay getting ahead of issues and communicating with my staff and supervisors. It’s a step in the right direction.

Over the last couple of weeks I’ve gone through a lot of struggles. But somewhere in it all I’ve found the purest happy I’ve ever felt. I feel so much better then I did just a couple of months ago. I’m happy with my life, even if there are struggles. I’m happy with the choices I’ve made personally over the last couple of weeks. What I’m not happy about is the hurt I’ve put other people through. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do about that. All I can do is apologize and hope that somewhere along the way they realize I didn’t do it to be malicious.

The effort to reach this place has been long and tiresome. Bowman tells me I look tired, and in all honesty I am. I’ve finally reached a place where I feel comfortable resting. I’ve finally found the happy ground, the place I’ve been searching for. It’s now time to lie down in the grass and take a nap. It’s time to stop fighting and just enjoy the ride, weather it’s on the back of Bowman’s bike or in the saddle, it’s time to enjoy.

Becks

Sorry to get your hopes up, but this blog had nothing to do with Ketchup, I just couldn’t resist!

The New Life: Introducing Bowman

Today a newer character in my life makes his debut on the blog; with an entry all about him. I’ve known Bowman since January; he’s actually made a couple of minor appearances before, under a different name. I can picture the exact moment he walked into my life. I still remember his shy smile and the way he kept me in eyesight. Mostly I remember the flutter of my heart as I realized that, what I all the sudden felt, was stronger then anything I’d ever felt before. He stole my heart instantly.

Over the last couple of weeks our relationship has budded and now it’s blossomed into a beautiful romance. He swept me up as soon as I came on to the market. Bowman was my rock when I found myself struggling through some of the darkest days I’ve had. He gave me confidence and support when I needed it the most. He’s given me his all and in return I’m giving him my all.

Alright now that you know about Bowman let me tell you what he did for me yesterday. He helped me check something off my bucket list, ride a motorcycle. His motorcycle is a big part of his life, I can appreciate that, it’s similar to me and my horses. So being able to share this with him is something I hope he’ll let me do.

Yesterday afternoon as I swung over the bike nerves were pulsating throughout my body. I was a happy mix of nerves and excitement. My mother’s nagging concern was quickly pushed aside as he started the bike. As it rumbled my screaming knee quieted. I relaxed into the seat and laid my hand onto his shoulder. I kept from wrapping my arms around him, though there was a moment or two when I felt I needed to. As we cruised through town he reached back and laid his hand on my leg. It made me feel safe and confidant, I knew I was right where I needed to be.

Ten blocks into it I fell completely in love with being on the bike. I quiet honestly wasn’t ready to get off at the end of the ride, but work always calls.  I’m excited and anxious for the next time he takes me out. I hope he doesn’t make me wait to long, I might not make! He may be subjected to puppy dog eyes…

Becks

A Bowhunter's Dream: Moose!

(Picture courtesy of Alaska Game and Fish)

It struck me like a rock to the foot; I’m under 30 days before I go to Alaska. My heart raced as I thought about everything that could happen between now and then. I closed my eyes and focused myself again. I drew my bow and settled into the shot.  The twang of the release echoed through out my ears as I watched for the arrow to hit the target. It quickly came to view, high right.

I sighed and stepped back to let Jace shoot. Restlessness settled inside me as my knee throbbed with pain; I winced but didn’t let him notice. I thought about the Alaskan brush and the amount of pain I will be subjecting myself to. Is it worth it in the end? Yes, of course. Is it going to hurt like no other pain I’ve ever felt? Yes, of course.

I’m still struggling with my bow. Sometime it shoots great other times it really lets me down. Of course it’s only going to take one arrow out of it to bring down my moose, but still it’s slightly nerve racking going in with a bow I’m not 100% confident in. It’s also slightly stupid. But at this point in the game it’s too late to do anything about it.

One of the clearest memories of my childhood is my Great-Granddad’s moose. I named him Alfred when I was younger. He was mounted above the fire place in the game room. He is what started my love for moose. Alf was an Alaskan moose shot in the Western Yukon. I’ve never heard the story about the hunt, but I imagine it was an adrenaline rush for Grandpa Bernard. Alf now hangs in the local gun shop. I’d love to bring him back to the family and mount my moose right next to him as part of the continuation of the legacy. The difference between the hunt that brought Alf home and my hunt is that Grandpa Bernard shot him with a rifle; I’ll be carrying a pink Parker bow.

At night I lie in bed and imagine myself laying in the brush. I can see my draw and release, sometimes in my imagination I miss. But most of the time I’m right on target. It’ll be different as I lay in the brush for real. I’m sure my heart will be pounding hard, my breath will be short, and my lack of confidence in my bow will swallow me whole. I’m afraid of the choke. It’s a question I constantly ask myself, what if I choke? The other is, what if I miss? They are valid questions in my mind. It’s possible that I’ll do both. It’s possible that it will take me the full ten days to bring my moose down. I may be hunting clear up to the moment I leave for the air port.

As I prepare myself for the hunt I try to maintain a positive attitude. After all this is the hunt of a lifetime, when will I ever be able to do this again? Possibly never. I just wish Mr. “I have no more vacation” would be right there with me. That’s right you’re going to catch all sorts of flack for that!

Becks

Quiet

I came across this picture in saved blogs. It was all by its self just waiting for the right words to join it. This is a picture of me and Sweet Cheeks a couple of months before my 16^th birthday, a couple of months before the accidents and pain. I don’t remember this moment in time. I don’t remember my mother taking this picture. But it seems like a moment in time when the world stopped and everything was right in the world.

I sat and starred at this picture for a while. It brought back a lot of memories about who I was then. It made me think about all the time in between then and now. I’ve changed, grown, and become a better person. I’ve also been to hell and back since that moment in time.

My world has crashed and burned at my feet more then once. I’ve done the juggling act, I’ve dropped a lot of balls, but I’ve grown and learned. Thinking about all my concerns and worries at that point in my life I can’t help but laugh. Of course I see the similarities in then and now and know that not everything has changed. I’m still a world class rider. I still have the drive and ambition to be in the show ring. I still hold myself to the highest standard in the industry. But some things have changed. I’ve become strong and independent. I’ve become my own trainer and my own cheerleader. I’ve learned that it’s not about winning; it’s about performing at your very best. I’ve learned a lot of things that the majority of show hands struggle with.

We all recover from accidents. Sometimes it takes a long time, but sometimes the recovery isn’t that long. If I had known at that moment in time about everything, every accident, mistake, or pain I would be subjected to I’m not sure I would or could have continued on the course I was on. But as think about it now and reflect I’m glad everything that happened, did. If it hadn’t been for everything that happened I wouldn’t be the woman I am today. The recovery from all my accidents has been a long struggle. There are days I still struggle with some the choices I’ve made. Often I have trouble coming to a decision because of my past. I either run to early or to late.

In the end all I can ever hope for is that I can continue on living life without regrets, that I can let the past go, and that my future is always bright. I want to stand at Heavens gates one day and reflect on the life I lived and know I did the best I can. I want to ride through the knee high grass and know that my entry fees were paid, in full.

Beck

The New Life: The Key to my Heart

Yesterday evening I was driving home from the archery range. It was dark and in the distance a thunderhead produced sharp lightning. I glanced occasionally out the window watching the lightning meet the ground. My radio was turned low and I could hear the highway under my tires. I suddenly heard over the radio lyrics to a song which struck my heart.

"Well, I don't want the whole world
The sun and moon and all their light
I just want to be the only girl, You love all your life
You love all your life"

I reached up and played with my necklace as I listened to the song. The pendant was heavy in my hand as I twisted the chain. The key to my heart. It physically represents the actual key to my heart. From the day I bought the pendant I've worn it, I keep it close. I've learned that who ever is going to get the key to my heart is going to have to be a pretty great guy.

"Well, I don't want the whole world, no the sun and moon and all their light
I just want to be the only girl,
You love all your life
You love all your life
You love all your life, life, yeah"

Who is that really great guy? Is it Handsome or someone else? I'm not sure. But I do know he's going to have to be amazing whomever he turns out to be. The man who gets the key to my heart is going to have to treat me the best Ive ever been treated. He's going to have to put me in the top of his priority list. I'm pretty easy to live with, I'm a woman who loves to shoot bows and guns, I love being outdoors, I love going down to the bars and having a good time. I don't ask a man to not have friends, I don't ask him to spend all of his free time with me, but I do ask that he loves me unconditionally and that he is there for me when I need him the most. Did I mention I'm a whiskey girl? I'm pretty unique and interesting.

"Would you catch a couple thousand fireflies, yeah
put them in a lamp to light my world
All dressed up in tux and bow tie hand delivered to a lonely girl, to a lonely,
lonely girl"

I've been through a lot in the past, but I'm working on letting it all go. Some days I do really great about leaving the past behind, but some days I find it nearly impossible to just leave it alone. I do know one thing for sure, I don't want to add anymore bad to my life, I'm ready to let the bad go.
As for being happy, well I'm working on it. Sometimes I am over the moon and other times I'm ten feet below the ocean. It happens, it's part of me and part of my obsessive compulsive disorder. But sure enough I realize I am the only one who can make me happy. I realized that a long time ago, it's just something I need to constantly remind myself.
I'm enjoying the ride, for the most part. It's been rough, it's going to stay rough for a while. But eventually I'll get to the smooth part and life will be great. It wouldn't be as interesting if there weren't bumps in the road.
Becks

From the Saddle: Back in the Ring



Yesterday was the first time I've been in the show ring in two years. I've been nervous about the show for a couple of weeks now. I was unsure of how my assistant would take to showing, unsure of how the horse trailer would pull, but mostly unsure of the behaviour of the horses.
First off I had a problem rounding up a truck. The day before the show my orginal plans for a pickup fell through. Luckily I had a friend step up and offer his truck. It worked out well and everything went off without a problem. I just want to thank him one more time. The horses loaded well for the most part and the drive to the show grounds was relativly painless. I haven't driven the trailer in around two years, I'll admit it made me a little nervous to be back in the driver's seat.
As we drew closer to the show grounds I asked my assistant to join me in the show day prayers. It's a tradition that started the day of my very first show, I hope it's a tradition she will continue. Before each show I say two prayers, the first being the Lord's Prayer and the second being a version of the Cowboy's Prayer,

OUR GRACIOUS AND HEAVENLY FATHER.
WE PAUSE IN THE MIDST OF THIS FESTIVE OCCASION, MINDFUL AND THOUGHTFUL OF THE GUIDANCE THAT YOU HAVE GIVEN US. WE WOULD ASK, TODAY LORD, THAT YOU BE WITH US IN THIS ARENA AS WE PRAY YOU WILL BE ALSO WITH US IN LIFE'S ARENA. AS RIDERS, LORD, WE DON'T ASK FOR ANY SPECIAL FAVORS IN THIS ARENA TODAY. WE ONLY ASK THAT YOU WILL LET US COMPETE IN THIS EVENT, AND IN LIFE, AS YOU DID FOR US. WE ASK THAT YOU GIVE US THE GUIDENCE TO COMPETE HONESTLY, TO BE WITH OUR COMPETITORS, AND TO GIVE US THE GRACE TO WIN WITHOUT THE SATISFACTION OF BEATING OUR COMPETITON.

HELP US TO COMPETE IN LIFE AS HONEST AS THE HORSES WE RIDE; IN A MANNER AS CLEAN AND PURE AS THE WIND THAT BLOWS ACROSS THIS COUNTRY; SO WHEN WE MAKE THAT LAST RIDE, THAT WE KNOW IS INEVITABLE, TO THE COUNTRY UP THERE.. WHERE THE GRASS IS GREEN AND LUSH AND STIRRUP-HIGH AND THE WATER RUNS CLEAN AND CLEAR; YOU WILL TELL US, AS OUR LAST JUDGE, THAT OUR ENTRY FEE'S ARE PAID.
WE ASK THESE THINGS IN CHRIST'S NAME. AMEN

We got to the show grounds, unloaded the horses, and discovered Sweet Cheeks had opened up an old cut on his foot. I had cleaned out the trailer and left the vet kit at home, it never fails. Jace went and got me a bottle of Allum to clot the cut and I still rode in my class. Sweet Cheeks was off though and so was I. Out of two classes of four I placed third and my assistant place fourth. She did well for her first show. I was pleased with her as I watched her in the ring. Of course there are a lot of things she and I both need to work on before the fall shows, but we've got time and she is a quick learner.

We were blessed with very few problems. It's probably the least stressful show I've ever been to. I'm glad everything worked out. So now we get ready for the jumper shows that are starting up. It's going to be a lot of training, but we can manage it.
Becks