Dear You

Dear You,

This is probably going to become a pretty painful post. It’ll not only be painful for me to write, it may be painful for you to read. If you can’t read it then that’s that, but I hope you’ll stick it through. I stuck it through writing it, in hopes that it would finish my healing process. I hope that maybe it will help you heal also.

There was something different about you. Something that struck me the moment you walked through the door the first time. It was almost a sense of Peace and Hope. Of course I’ve told you that before, it’s nothing I need to repeat. I finally felt that Fate had stopped dragging its feet the first time our eyes met.

You lingered in my mind. I’d see you at the darkest moments of the days that followed that initial encounter. On days when I felt I couldn’t continue you’d find your way, unknowingly to me, and bring back that Peace and Hope. The time there was the wreck in front of the store, I was having a horrible day, it was a horrible reason for you to be there, but there you were standing at the register. I didn’t smile on the outside, but I did on the inside wishing you’d linger a little longer. I passed you on your motorcycle the day I wanted to run away. You stopped into the store the night I realized just how miserable I really was. Then there was the night at the bar, you don’t know why I was already drunk at eight in the evening, but you were there and you made it better. Remember the challenge? I still think you should have taken me up, maybe I would have shot better in the dark and drunk.

While I struggled with myself and my happiness you were there. You said some pretty great things; you appeared to be the man I’d been wishing for. So I took the chance, even though something you said bothered me, "That may be your only chance at Happiness. I don't want to be the man who takes that away from you." It bothered me, it was almost a forewarning.

Through out our short relationship you were my rock in the storm. My world crashed and burned rather violently in the short time we were together. But you always brought me Peace and Hope. The first time I kissed you I knew everything was going to be okay. If I could have seen I’d be mending my heart in a few short months, well I would have loved you anyway.

The other afternoon I stood at the dog park watching my dogs play when I heard the familiar sound of your motorcycle. You were probably a couple of streets away, but it brought back the first time I ever rode a bike, that bike. That’s the memory that hurts the most. Because I will always remember that, every time I swing over my bike and start it, I’ll think of you. Everytime I see a Road King I'll be brought back to the brick streets of this town. To your hand on my knee.

Yesterday I laid in bed, restless because of my family. Suddenly I pictured the first night we spent together. How I didn’t want to sleep, how we smiled at each other all night. You kept winking and I noticed just how wonderful that smile of yours really is. I remember two specific things said that night. I asked if you’d always be this cuddly, you said “always”. I don’t remember what I said but I remember you saying, “I’ll always be there with you, you’ll never be lonely.”

I had a couple of simple wishes. I wished you were right there with me the first time I shot a deer. I wanted you to be in that picture smiling proudly, maybe kissing me on the cheek. I wished you could have gone to Alaska with me, again smiling proudly in the pictures, maybe with your own trophy. I wanted you to be waiting in the recovery room after my knee surgery. I wished you could have taught me how to ride my motorcycle, gone to Sturgis like I had hoped. But the only thing I ever really, honestly wanted, even more then a diamond ring, was for you to never stop loving me...

In the end I can’t honestly change anything. I can only wish and I'm pretty tired of wishing. You know what they say wish in one hand and well you know the rest. Every morning when I get up to run the stars are still out. The Archer is there waiting for me, I always say, “bring him back and it’ll change.” But I know he can’t. I honestly know that you probably never want to come back. I've let go of the Hope.

I’m sorry. I’m mostly sorry that you felt like I was lying to you. I’m very sorry it turned out the way it did. But I suppose neither one of us could have stopped it from happening. Like I said I would have loved you anyway. As a matter of fact I still love you, I always will. For the man you have been, the man you will be. I wouldn’t change anything.

I hope that you become the man you want to be, not the man other people think you should be. I hope that you grow in Grace and Love. But mostly I hope that somewhere along the way you find inner Peace.

Thanks for everything, best of luck.
One very last wish, I wish I was still your dream girl.
Love ya babe. Forever and Always.
Becki Ann

Let the healing finsih now.