It's moments like these when silence means everything.

A Bowhunter's Legacy: Upgrading Bows

I’ve been drooling over the Matthews Jewel for a little while now. I’ve wanted a Matthews for over a year now, I shot one the first time last year while bow hunting with Texas. It’s probably the smoothest bow I’ve ever shot. I had the chance to shoot a Matthews Jewel up at Black Hills Archery a few weeks ago. It’s amazing. Orgasmic.

It’s not a cheap bow, it’s rather expensive. Course I’m a girl with expensive tastes, see the Harley Sportster.

I could pull the specs off of the website, but they are right there for you to read, if you so please. Let me tell you why I like this bow so much. The let off is 20 % more then the bow I currently shoot. If it’s not really it sure feels like it. I feel like while yes I’m pulling 50 pounds I am only holding 10. I like the look and feel of the Matthews. It’s a light bow, even fully outfitted. It’s quiet, so quiet I was left standing there wondering if I really had just shot the bow.

The grip is amazing. My fingers found their proper place without any help. If held correctly the grip reduces the risk of torquing and grabbing. I struggle with grabbing, hell I struggle with torquing. But I shot the Matthews Jewel without any of those problems. I was grouping within a half-inch diameter.

We all know that pink is my favorite color. But I’m thinking for 2012 I need a new color, maybe electric teal, similar to my Harley. Guess what, the Matthews comes in electric teal. Lucky Ducky, yep that’s what I am.

So now it’s time to pull out the doe eyes and work on D. After all he is the one who thinks I need to become a competitive archer, he’s the one who said he’d buy me what ever bow I so pleased... One problem, he isn’t too much of a Matthews man, hum I’ll have to work on that…

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean that they don't love you with all they have.

A Bowhunter's Legacy: New Sight

So I bought a new sight. You can stop laughing now. Yes I know it's the fourth of this year, I am so aware. But let me remind you, the spot hogg fell off of my bow and this last truglo is a pain to adjust. So whala met my new sight Truglo Micro-Brite. It's a microadjut sight. I'm kinda excited, not really sure why...
Anyway I'm installing it on my bow tonight, all by my damn self! I'm so proud...

I'll let you know how it goes....
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I was pretty big talk up there.

Well that was a fail. It would have helped if I hadn’t left my instructions at home. But I muddled my way through it. Now if it falls off the front of my bow then I won’t have anyone but myself to blame for it!!!

Fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. It's falling madly in love, even though you have been hurt before. Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them. It's getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again. Letting yourself cry on the bathroom floor is fearless. Moving on and being alright is fearless too...And no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it.

The New Life: Where am I?

I sat in the clearing today trying to define what stage of mourning I am in. Am I angry? Am I depressed? So I made the list out:

Shock: Nope not here, that passed the first day

Denial: Nope, did that almost right away

Bargaining: Um… I’ve given up on that

Guilt: Past that point after the attempted one rein stop

Anger: Maybe.

Depression: Maybe.

Resignation: I know he won’t be back. I see and understand the reality.

Acceptance and Hope: I’m working to get there. I don’t have the hope yet and I’m not ready to understand why he ran.

It’s the two in the middle that stick to me, like cling wrap. Anger and depression. I know I’m depressed, but I’m not sure it’s over the breakup. I’m sure that is a small part of it, but I think it’s the fact I left my job because I felt I was failing. I slammed the breaks on and cut the string. I know it wasn’t the wrong decision, I was unhappy in that job, it was changing who I was and I didn’t want that. But now I have no definition, no reason to get out of bed. I’m going to have to create who I want to be, again.

I’m not sure what the remedy is for my depression. It’s not pills, it never has been. A part of the curing process is a new beginning. I’m taking steps to that starting line. I just have to get the acceptance and hope. I’ve already reached the breaking point; I’ve just got to step over the line.

D called me this evening, after I was done with my reflection. We talked about it, and then we talked about the future. He reminded me that 3D season is almost upon us. The International Horse show is in April. He’s taking me to compete in Vegas. Then he sprung it on me. “I’ll be there the whole way. We will get you through your knee surgery and every thing will be golden.”

I sat silently on the phone, my head turning in circles. “I didn’t ask you to.” I mumbled.

“Nope. I just want to be there.”

I was too stunned to think. But later I realized that when it’s all said and done I do have that love I’m looking for. I have someone to pick me up out of the dust. I have the emotional support I so desperately wanted. I thought about what Sonny told me and then it blindsided me, like a train with a silent whistle…

Hope

Falling in love is the best thing you can do in life. So fall in love with as many things as you can.

Dear You

Dear You,

This is probably going to become a pretty painful post. It’ll not only be painful for me to write, it may be painful for you to read. If you can’t read it then that’s that, but I hope you’ll stick it through. I stuck it through writing it, in hopes that it would finish my healing process. I hope that maybe it will help you heal also.

There was something different about you. Something that struck me the moment you walked through the door the first time. It was almost a sense of Peace and Hope. Of course I’ve told you that before, it’s nothing I need to repeat. I finally felt that Fate had stopped dragging its feet the first time our eyes met.

You lingered in my mind. I’d see you at the darkest moments of the days that followed that initial encounter. On days when I felt I couldn’t continue you’d find your way, unknowingly to me, and bring back that Peace and Hope. The time there was the wreck in front of the store, I was having a horrible day, it was a horrible reason for you to be there, but there you were standing at the register. I didn’t smile on the outside, but I did on the inside wishing you’d linger a little longer. I passed you on your motorcycle the day I wanted to run away. You stopped into the store the night I realized just how miserable I really was. Then there was the night at the bar, you don’t know why I was already drunk at eight in the evening, but you were there and you made it better. Remember the challenge? I still think you should have taken me up, maybe I would have shot better in the dark and drunk.

While I struggled with myself and my happiness you were there. You said some pretty great things; you appeared to be the man I’d been wishing for. So I took the chance, even though something you said bothered me, "That may be your only chance at Happiness. I don't want to be the man who takes that away from you." It bothered me, it was almost a forewarning.

Through out our short relationship you were my rock in the storm. My world crashed and burned rather violently in the short time we were together. But you always brought me Peace and Hope. The first time I kissed you I knew everything was going to be okay. If I could have seen I’d be mending my heart in a few short months, well I would have loved you anyway.

The other afternoon I stood at the dog park watching my dogs play when I heard the familiar sound of your motorcycle. You were probably a couple of streets away, but it brought back the first time I ever rode a bike, that bike. That’s the memory that hurts the most. Because I will always remember that, every time I swing over my bike and start it, I’ll think of you. Everytime I see a Road King I'll be brought back to the brick streets of this town. To your hand on my knee.

Yesterday I laid in bed, restless because of my family. Suddenly I pictured the first night we spent together. How I didn’t want to sleep, how we smiled at each other all night. You kept winking and I noticed just how wonderful that smile of yours really is. I remember two specific things said that night. I asked if you’d always be this cuddly, you said “always”. I don’t remember what I said but I remember you saying, “I’ll always be there with you, you’ll never be lonely.”

I had a couple of simple wishes. I wished you were right there with me the first time I shot a deer. I wanted you to be in that picture smiling proudly, maybe kissing me on the cheek. I wished you could have gone to Alaska with me, again smiling proudly in the pictures, maybe with your own trophy. I wanted you to be waiting in the recovery room after my knee surgery. I wished you could have taught me how to ride my motorcycle, gone to Sturgis like I had hoped. But the only thing I ever really, honestly wanted, even more then a diamond ring, was for you to never stop loving me...

In the end I can’t honestly change anything. I can only wish and I'm pretty tired of wishing. You know what they say wish in one hand and well you know the rest. Every morning when I get up to run the stars are still out. The Archer is there waiting for me, I always say, “bring him back and it’ll change.” But I know he can’t. I honestly know that you probably never want to come back. I've let go of the Hope.

I’m sorry. I’m mostly sorry that you felt like I was lying to you. I’m very sorry it turned out the way it did. But I suppose neither one of us could have stopped it from happening. Like I said I would have loved you anyway. As a matter of fact I still love you, I always will. For the man you have been, the man you will be. I wouldn’t change anything.

I hope that you become the man you want to be, not the man other people think you should be. I hope that you grow in Grace and Love. But mostly I hope that somewhere along the way you find inner Peace.

Thanks for everything, best of luck.
One very last wish, I wish I was still your dream girl.
Love ya babe. Forever and Always.
Becki Ann

Let the healing finsih now.

We're just wasting time
Trying to prove who's right

The New Life: Happy Thanksgiving

See that smile right there? Isn't it beautiful?
I think so to. I think that's probably one of the most beautiful smiles I've ever had on my face. I found it somewhere on Thanksgiving. Somewhere in my heart. Underneath the scar of the breakup. Underneath the fact that I thought I lost Hope. Underneath the dead flowers and the shattered lights. I found it.

As I sat in the saddle that afternoon I realized that I'm still breathing. But more importantly I realized how self involved I had become. I thought about how awful I've been to my friends. I've been so wrapped up in my own self pitty I've hardly noticed what's been going on around me.
Two of my closests friends are going through a living hell; worse then the hell I thought I was in. They've lost their Hope.
A former trainer of mine is sick. To what extent I'm not sure, but I'm worried.
Then there is the girl I call my closest friend, I've completely shut her out.

It's all wrong, I've never been this way and it's not the way I want to be. Maybe the breakup was a good thing. I get the chance now to correct the errors I have made. I get the opportunity to get back to the real Beck. Along with the Unbridled Happiness I want her back more then anything in this world. With that smile up above I see she's close, she's still here. I know that I can still bring her back to life and get rid of this bitch I've become.

There will be no more take take take. Only give give give.... I promise

Unbridled Happiness: Goodbye to the Past

This morning I woke up around four. I’m still in my work routine. The past couple of days I’ve been able to fall back asleep, but today I couldn’t. So I got out of bed and got dressed to run. I haven’t been out running in awhile, my doctor ordered me not to because of my broke rib.

I pulled the ipod out of the dresser drawer and clipped it on. I laced my running shoes up and stepped out into the cold fresh air. I snuggled in my hoddie as I warmed up. My mind was quiet and at peace, but I still needed the run.

I got down to the oiled road and struck out into a jog. Slow at first, just enough to test my muscles, just enough to make sure I could breath. When I didn’t collapse onto the ground I considered it a good sign. I picked up the pace and moved out faster.

Through the cottonwoods down the road past the pond and circle, up the road to the two mile mark. I was there before I realized it. I had pushed the physical and mental pain out of my mind and let my feet move me. I sat down on the top of the hill and looked out onto the meadow. It was quiet. I could see the faint outlines of trees, houses, and animals. I closed my eyes and realized I was crying.

Tennessee’s words were there, under the surface, lingering. I realized that he was right, I am a different person. I thought about how we hadn’t talked in six months. I thought about why I had called him, what had made me dig his number up. I realized that I really did call him because our relationship is easy. It’s not even a relationship, it’s simply someone to fall asleep with at night. We have no ever lasting connection. He has no wish to settle down. We are polar opposites. But it’s easy, easy because there is no everlasting commitment.

I dug my phone out of my hoodie pocket and found his phone number. I didn’t stare at it, I didn’t attempt to memorize it, I simply deleted the contact. “You are right, I don’t need you.” I sighed and put the phone back in my pocket. I looked up at Heaven, “if only it was always that easy.”

I stood up and moved back into a jog. Unbridled Happiness, I’ve still got it, and today it became a little bit stronger.

Oh and how does the knee feel? It fucking hurts! Thanks for asking.

The New Life: Not This Time

I leaned my head onto his chest, “Girl you know I’m not Mr. Right.” He whispered as he pressed his fingers into my tense shoulders.

“I know Tennessee. I know.” I mumbled as I closed my eyes and took a breath of his cologne.

“Are you sure you need me?” He asked his deep Southern accent strung through every word.

“I don’t need you. I never have. It’s just easier with you.” I mumbled.

“Becks, I’m okay being a rebound. We’ve always been that for each other, a soft place to fall. But maybe this time it’s different.” He mumbled as he gently ran his fingers through my hair.

“What do you mean by that?” I asked as I looked up at him.

“It took you awhile to call. Normally you call right away.” He paused as he brushed my bangs out of my face, “Becks maybe you don’t really need this, maybe not this time. Maybe you are past needing a rebound. Maybe, just maybe, someone is trying to tell you something.”

I leaned back in his arms so I could rest my hands on his chest. I thought for a moment. “A lot of people are trying to tell me a lot of things. Please don't try telling me anything, that's not what I need.” I whispered trying to keep the hurt from my voice. “I can make it on my own and be quiet about it. I made it after my divorce. Remember?”

“I do remember. I also remember the calls when you needed someone to keep the other side of the bed warm.” He said sternly. “I remember the week you separated from your ex husband. I remember you falling asleep in my arms and finding every reason to deer hunt together. I remember laying in that bed with you in complete silence. I remember the look in your eyes. You needed someone then, but I don’t see it this time.” He said as he stared into my eyes. His blue eyes seemed to beam with life. They were gentler then I remembered, kinder.

We stood in silence for a little bit. I shivered a little as the breeze picked up. He felt it and pulled me in closer. I thought for a long time as he held me. “I don’t know why I called.”

“Because what you and I have is easy. We love each other for awhile, help each other through the tough spots. But in the end we expect the hurt; we know there isn’t an everlasting commitment.” He said as he kept me in his arms. "You aren't the woman you were last year, your stronger. You don't need someone else to lean on. You know how to make yourself happy and at peace."

I stood quietly for a moment, “I love him very much.”

“I know you do. Did he say it’s over for good?” He asked.

“No, he really seemed to leave the string attached.”

Tennessee sighed, “Cut the string Becks. Cut it. He’s not worth the salt.”

I laughed a little. “You going to be around if I really do need you.”

He smiled, “I’m just a phone call away. I’ll be in town for awhile; work is going to keep me here.”

“Maybe I’ll call you.” I said with a half smile.

“Okay. But I don’t think you need me.”

“I think you’re right. But don’t go telling anyone I said that.” I said stepping back from him.

“I’m going to tell Texas, He’ll never believe that came out of your mouth!”

The New Life: To The Future

 I pushed the gray harder into a faster canter. I leaned onto his neck and gave him his head. We flew across the ground, through the gate and out into the open meadow. I slowed him and sat back in the saddle.

My hands were cold, my face burned from the cold wind, my red hair whipped around me. It was a rare moment in time, a moment when I wasn't thinking, just living. I looked up at the sky as I stopped the gray. There were no clouds in the sky, only blue abyss. I sighed and leaned over the saddle onto the grays neck.

He touched my knee with his nose. I ran my hands through his mane, “I’ve got to let it all go.” I whispered. He snorted then put his nose to the ground. I sat up and watched the sandhills around me. They were calm and peaceful, there were no deer hunters left, no one to bother me.

I thought about the conversation with D about the one rein stop. The promise I had made to Beans. I closed my eyes and pictured Bowman and I sitting in the clearing. “Okay,” I whispered, “if that’s what you want.” I opened my eyes as a flock of geese flew over head. I watched and listened for a moment.

I slid out of the saddle and sunk down into the grass next to the gray. He snorted but kept grazing. “So I guess it’s time to heal.” I stated to no one in particular. I wrapped the reins around the horn, knowing the gray wouldn’t stray far. He meandered in the fall grass as I sunk down into it. The tears didn’t come like I expected, letting go wasn’t as painful as I imagined.

The sandhills have always been a place of healing for me. It was the place I ran to when I needed healing. The only place in the world that ever mattered to me. I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around my knees. The left one screamed with pain, I knew getting back into the saddle was going to be killer.

“Sonny, I don’t know what happened.”

It took awhile but eventually I heard her voice. “Baby Girl what happened doesn’t matter. What matters is that you realize your going to be just fine.”

“I wish we could work it out some how.”

"Honey these things happen. If he doesn’t want to work it out that’s up to him. You’ve got to accept it.”

“I know.”

“Guess what, even if he doesn’t come back your going to make it through. This storm isn’t going to last forever.”

“He came to archery the other night. The look in his eyes, I can’t explain it.”

“No one said he doesn’t still love you and miss you. No one said he doesn’t feel bad about this. I know he’s hurting over this just as bad as you are. But running was the answer he came up with. Was it wrong? Probably, but he made the decision.”

“I know. But why won’t he try again. I’d give him my everything; I’d go to the end of the Earth for him.”

“Becks, you’ve got to see this through his eyes. It’s all he knows.”

“I guess me running to Omaha isn’t any different.”

“Probably not. Why are you going?”

“I’m going because I need a fresh start. Because I can’t stand to see him with someone else.”

…Quiet…

“Sonny?”

“I was just listening.”

“I’m hoping Omaha will change something in me.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. Anything.”

“Running was the answer you came up with huh.”

“Yeah.”

“Your soul says something else. Your soul says you’re leaving because you’re scared.” … Quiet …

“Scared that you’ll never heal.”

“Yep.”

“Becks, you can be broken into a million pieces and I promise you you’ll heal. You aren’t in a million pieces, just a couple. If given the chance you’ll heal, it’ll be quick, and we’ll make it less painful, you’ve just got to have faith and believe.”

… Quiet …

“When you make it to the Olympics, or where ever you end up, there will be someone there right next to you. He’ll love you with everything he has, he’ll go to the end of the Earth for you, but mostly he’ll be the one you’re meant to spend the rest of your life with. He’ll be the other half of your soul.”

“Who is it then?”

“I don’t know that. I just know you won’t be alone.”

“Honest.”

“Always.”

“Kay.”

I opened my eyes. The gray was standing in the afternoon sun. A gentle breeze blew through his mane. He was handsome and elegant. “Well if he doesn’t get here in time I guess I’ve always got you.”

He looked up to me a nickered. “Okay handsome we are going to the Olympics.”

He raised his head in the fall air and whinnied. His ears flickered back and forth. He listened for a reply, then walked over to me when I didn’t answer him. “Oh I thought you were talking to the herd.” I mumbled.

He rubbed his forehead on me.

“She promises someone is there for me.”

His brown eyes seemed to absorb me, asking if I was okay.

“We’re going to be just fine.” I whispered then stood up. “Let’s start the future.”

He flipped his head almost as if to say we saw eye to eye.

I put my left foot in the stirrup and ground my teeth hard. I swung up, “Okay maybe after the knee surgery.”

He nickered.

“What are we waiting for?”

“Hey Becks.”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t give up on Love.”

“Okay.”

I moved the gray into a trot and worked my way back home.

Push through the pain to forgiveness

Unbridled Happiness: The Beginning

It stung a little bit when I had to wait for him to pass so I could turn into work’s parking lot. It was my punishment for snoozing the alarm clock. I sighed closed my eyes hoping he wasn’t looking at me and counted to ten. The headlights passed by and I opened my eyes. He was in the rear view mirror, right where he should be. I sighed, “Handsome, my dear you torture me so.”  I parked my car in the parking lot and thought for a moment, “wait, it’s okay.” I shut the car off and walked into work. “No pain, wait what’s this.” I thought to myself. “Over him.” I realized. It rushed to me hard. It was the final ending to my hanging on. So this afternoon when I realized he had unfriended me on Facebook I was okay with that decision. “Guess we can’t be friends.” I thought to myself.

I sat down in the backroom and starred at my phone. There was a lingering text from Bowman, one that I hadn’t dealt with because my heart was too broken. “Okay.” I mumbled as I opened the text. “You’re my dream girl baby.”

I sighed as I stared at it. “I may be over him, but I’m NOT over you.” I mumbled. I closed the text and stared at the clock on the wall. The tears were welling.

I dialed D, feeling weak.

“Hey sweetheart. What’s up?” His voice was comforting.

“Well I’m over Handsome but not Bowman.” I mumbled

“Oh that’s progress.” He said. “Remember what I told you about running back to Bowman.”

“We need not worry about that, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want me back.” I mumbled.

This evening I sat staring out at the already darkened sky. I sighed then took a drink of my whiskey. In all honesty I should have been getting ready for my party, but instead I was hanging on to Bowman. I watched as a shooting star streaked across the sky. “One more wish.” That’s what I did, made one last wish. It wasn’t the same one I made on my birthday. It wasn’t a wish I had ever made before. It was a new wish, the wish that I honestly want.

My phone rang but I ignored it. I sat listening and watching. Then as quickly as I had wished it, it washed over me. Unbridled Happiness. I sighed, took another drink and thought about the future, the happiness that will be there. The continuation of the New Life. The new path I’ve chose and what I’ve decided to leave behind.

I’m leaving behind the worrying about other people’s opinions of me. I’m leaving behind my ex husband, Handsome, and maybe Bowman. I’m leaving behind every unhappy moment I’ve ever had. I’m leaving the pain, heartache, questions, and a small part of me wants to leave behind the hoping.

What I’m running to. An education, a chance to follow my dreams, and maybe somewhere along the line I will find Mr. Right. I made a statement last year, “If I meet Mr. Right he’s just going to have to wait.” But I don’t really want him to wait; I want him to ride along with me. I want him there to help me untangle the knots. I want him cheering for me as I make it into the Pro Circuit. But if Mr. Right isn’t ready to be with me, if Fate isn’t ready for him to step into my life, then that’s okay to. I’ll make it on my own, I’ve been a fighter from day one, and I’ll fight like Hell now. Cause I gained Unbridled Happiness tonight, and I plan on keeping it.

But “I’m still not over you.”

There is yet time for you to take a different path.

Birthday Gift to Myself

It took a little note from one of my girls for me to remember it was my birthday today. I never forget my own birthday. But for some reason this year I did. It’s odd to think that on this day last year I decided I wasn’t happy. It’s been a year, and theoretically my heart should be healed enough to give to someone, except I kind of ruined that a couple weeks ago.

I decided that rather then a physical present this year I’d give myself something else, happiness. I’m making the real changes, not just talking about it, because I deserve to be happy. Today I won’t be heartbroken, even though I want to be. Today I won’t cry myself to sleep, because I choose to be happy. But there is one thing that I can’t change, the missing, that’s just something I’m going to have to learn to be happy through, no matter how much it hurts.

I made a wish today on a shooting star. Made me feel like a kid, maybe since it’s my birthday the Archer will decide to let me have it. But then again maybe he doesn’t have control over those kinds of things.

From The Saddle: The Haunting

The dream is more of a nightmare; it’s one that comes often and wakes me up from a dead sleep. It’s not really a dream; it’s a vivid memory that will always be with me. I can remember and feel everything that happened, even in my sleep.

It usually starts in the barn aisle.

“Just one more hole.” I grunted as I tightened the girth. The blood bay sucked his breath in hard. “Come on Gospel, stop it.”

Kell came around the corner with her almost identical horse. She smiled at me, “He being a pain?” She asked.

“He’s being an asshole.” I mumbled then reached up to adjust his bridle, “Just being you huh.” He flipped his nose and slobbered.

Kell laughed, “Good luck Becks.”

I smiled at her, “Good luck to you.”

She turned her horse around and walked down the aisle. I watched her go.

It was her first semi pro show. It was the first time she’d ever shown Kooper, we didn’t know that in six months time she’d be standing with him in the paddock as he took his last breath.

“Okay jerk. Let’s go.” I said as I swung up into the saddle. Mom had made her way to the grandstands waiting, video camera in hand, for my class to come up. I adjusted my stirrups and rode Gospel over to the warm up ring.

He was tense, anxious, his usual self. On a normal day he’d work himself out of it, it just took a couple of practice jumps for him to get his head on straight. The ring steward opened the gate and I trotted him into the heavy sand. “Let’s work.” I whispered.

He flipped his head but complied when asked for a canter. He fought the bit, it wasn’t unusual. I relaxed into the saddle as I worked him on the outside of the arena. Kell was jumping Kooper and I didn’t want to interfere. Kooper was nervous horse, he was a worrier; he didn’t need me and Gospel to interfere.

She noticed I was fighting Gospel and hollered across the arena, “Go ahead Becks!”

I waved to her and pushed him into the line up of jumps. “If only if only the wood pecker sighs,” I quietly sung to him. His ears flickered but his neck muscles relaxed. I rode him hard into the first jump, when I knew he wasn’t going to deny I relaxed. I was in my stirrups and out of his mouth, but I could feel through the leather reins he was playing with the bit. “The bark on the trees was as soft as the skies.” We were over the first jump. I relaxed into the saddle and pointed him to the next jump. “Hungry and lonely the wolf waits below.”

Some times I can wake myself up here, but if I can’t the dream will continue.

We’d warmed up, Kell and Kooper stood next to us. “Beck you’re up.” Our trainer hollered from the gate. I smiled over to Kell, “here goes nothing.” I mumbled.

“Knock their socks off!” She called after me as I trotted him into the arena.

The jingle of the metal filled the arena. I saluted the judge then circled Gospel. He wasn’t worked up, I wasn’t worried. I’d walked the course, knew how many lyrics it was going to take to get to the jumps. It was in the bag, or so I thought.

Gospel had a beautiful way of moving. It was almost as if he floated. His four white stockings always gleamed against his dark bay coat. He was my trainer’s horse, Kooper was his older brother. When they stood in the paddock together it was often hard to distinguish the difference, you had to get up close to see that Kooper had one black hoof, the front right one, where his sock had a hole in it, or so we joked.

The smell of the heavy dirt filled my nose and instantly congested me. I tightened my reins as we cantered into the first jump. It was the easiest of the course, a straight four bar jump. “If only if only.” I hummed. I was up in my stirrups and out of his mouth. He tucked nicely and we were clear of the jump. I looked over to the next, it required a hard left. So left we went. He was relaxed.

Gospel and I had a volatile relationship. My trainer had put me on him for a reason; I was the only one who would put up with his mood swings. He had a tendency to be explosive, if he wasn’t feeling the course he’d set his feet and away the rider would go. I was the only one who knew how to keep him going. I had figured the secret out by accident. The first time he sunk his heels I had hummed to myself to keep the nerves out of my head. The second I began humming he picked his feet up and jumped. We hadn’t had a problem since.

Six jumps into the course he was fighting me. I was singing quietly, I’d changed songs to Rockstar. “I’m going to trade this life for fortune and fame.” I jiggled the bit in his mouth. “I’m going to date a playboy bunny.” We were almost to the last jump when he exploded. “I’ll take a quesadilla.” He took the bit and sunk his heels, he slid into the jump. I lost my balance and fell to the left of him. My knee hit the top of the standard ramming it hard. My body flipped and caught the jump cup in my hip. I fell in between the bars and blacked out.

I usually wake up right there. I’d spent a few days in the hospital. My knee had been repaired as much as possible, but the doctors wanted to replace it. They practically begged me. I didn’t have it done, and now I’m paying for it.

The accident was the worst I’ve ever been in. I very easily could have lost my life. They say I rolled out from the jump and wanted to get back on. I guess Gospel had returned to me and tried to fight off people who had come to help me. He was an odd horse; he was almost like a dog.

The trainer sold him a couple of weeks after the accident. As much as I despised that horse it hurt to see him go. His current owner has the same problem with him; he sinks his heels on her. She decided he’s going to be a dressage horse; I’m interested to see where that takes them. In the mean time I’m having my knee fixed, I’m looking for a world class jumper, and keeping my eyes on the Olympic gold.

The New Life: Remember the Archer

Beans smiled at me over her coffee. “The protection of the archer.” She whispered.

I nodded. “I remember.”

She cocked her head to the side, “Really? I’ve been following you and it seems as if you’ve forgotten.”

I sighed and looked out the picture window and watched the pines across her yard. “I did.” I whispered.

“Don’t lose faith. He’s out there. Who knows things may change with the one you thought was the one.” She said as she kept her eyes on me.

I shook my head, “I think he’s long gone. He’s like the mustang you turn back onto the range, he runs and runs but never stops to look back and remember the sweet feed in the corral.”

She quietly chuckled to herself, knowing exactly what I was talking about.

My eyes met hers. “I thought being alone was the scariest part about this. But oddly enough I’m not scared of that.”

She nodded, “Don’t ever be scared of being alone. It’s practically impossible.”

I laughed, “I know. I’m okay being alone, I was before and I’ll be now. It’ll be okay. I just wish I didn’t have to be alone.”

We sat in silence for awhile. I stared at my creamy coffee, she’d gotten heavy handed, like always with the creamer. “What are you scared of?” She asked.

“Spiders, your coffee straight, and shutting my fingers in the car door.” I mumbled.

She laughed, “Well I’m glad you still have a sense of humor.”

I smiled at her, “I’m scared that I’ll never love someone the way I do him.”

“Did.”

“What?” I asked.

“Shouldn’t you say did rather then do?” She asked.

I shook my head no, “I’ll always love him.”

She leaned back in her chair, “I know what you mean. My second husband, I still very much love him.” She closed her eyes; I knew she was picturing him. “There is a part of me that always will.” She opened her eyes, “But I’ve found someone to love more, and know what, I honestly love him more. If it hadn’t been for my ex I wouldn’t know how to love someone.”

I stared at her thinking. “I honestly think he’s the other half of my soul.”

She shrugged and grabbed her coffee, “If he is then things will change. If he isn’t he’ll be like that horse and keep on running.”

It grew quiet again. “The other night, the way he looked at me. I’ll never forget it.” I whispered as the tears welled. “I could see how we used to be in his eyes, I could see the good times and the bad. But mostly I still saw the spark.” I whispered.

“You aren’t going to change fate. He is the only one who can stop himself from running. Give it some time and take a breath. If it’s meant to be then everything is going to be okay. I’m pretty sure he still thinks about you. It’s hard to believe he doesn’t.” She reached out for my hand, “Time is the only thing that will heal this wound.”

I nodded, “I just wish the time was over and everything was good again.”

She smiled, “Listen to me. Go to Omaha. Don’t think of it as running away; think of it as running to. You’re running to a better education and a better future.”

“Yeah. But that’s the other thing. He thinks he’s holding me back.”

“Oh.” She sighed as she retracted her hand, “There that may be the answer.”

I cocked my head to the side, “what?”

“If he really loves you he doesn’t want to stop you from your dreams, he doesn’t want to stop you from becoming what you want to be.” She said, “He thinks he’s looking out for you.” She thought for a moment, “But that’s not really a reason. Who says he can’t be there while you seek your future.”

I shrugged, “Beans. I think he and I are at two different points in our lives. I think that’s the simple answer.”

She nodded. “Either way, under the protection of the Archer what you seek will find you.”

“I just need the Archer to take the pain away.” I whispered.

“Then ask for it.” She said with a smile. “Don’t be scared Becks. The future is out there. But promise me you won’t let this one wound turn you cold.”

I thought about it for a minute, “Okay.”

“Good. Now go find your future. Give him some time, he may surprise you.” She said clearly.

“Who, Bowman or the Archer?” I asked.

“Who says that means either. Maybe it’ll be both.” She said with a cocky, knowing, smile.

“Beans. What do you see?” I asked, knowing she sometimes had the gift of seeing the future.

“Lots of sunshine. Don’t forget the archer.” She said with a smile. “He’s always there.”

The New Life: One Rein Stop

I sat with D in the front yard. The fire pit was roaring in front of us. He’d come up for deer season, but by the amount of whiskey we’d both already consumed I knew we weren’t getting up early. “Glad you came.” I said with a smile.

“No problem. I hope you find your buck tomorrow.” He said then took a swig of his straight whiskey.

“That has to burn.” I mumbled as I rolled mine around in my hand.

“You do it too.” He retorted, “Sometimes straight out of the bottle. Don’t deny it I’ve seen you do it!”

“Yeah but I don’t take big swigs like that.” I mumbled.

He laughed, “So how did yesterday go? He show up at the range?”

I nodded thinking about the mess of last night, “tore me to pieces.”

“He did?” He asked.

“No. Just seeing him, the circle of the conversation we had made it worse.” I mumbled then took a drink. The whiskey filled my nose then slid down my throat and burned. I stared at the fire. “Sucks.” I whispered.

“Just when you’re starting to heal.” D mumbled back.

I nodded. “But I guess it’s time to move on. He’s not willing to stop running.” I paused then looked over to D, “I remember the first time I did a one rein stop. It was shortly before I was in my riding accident, same damn horse.” I paused as I imagined the blood bay, “We were in a circuit show. He spooked and clamped down on the bit.” I leaned back in the chair and took another drink of my whiskey, “I reached down on the left and pulled, just enough to slow him. It took a little bit but he eventually stopped.” I said closing my eyes. “Everything was okay after that.” The tears were beginning to form.

It was quiet for a little bit, I listened to the fire pit and fought the tears and memories. “Beck.” He whispered.

I cut him off “The thing about a one rein stop is sometimes you flip the horse and more then likely you get hurt. Hurt bad.” I trailed off.

He sighed, “You just have to know how much pressure to put on.”

I nodded. “I was once told that if a one rein stop didn’t work your last resort was to watch out for the yucca plants and bail.” I looked over at D and half heartily smiled. “Should I bail?” I asked him.

He leaned back in his chair and looked up at the pitch black sky, “I can’t tell you that. But I can tell you that when I first learned to ride a motorcycle I was taught that if you ever get into a wreck stay with the bike.”

I nodded then looked down at my whiskey. “I had a friend in high school that was drinking whiskey. He blew it into the fire then inhaled really quickly, burned his face, nostrils and throat.”

D stared at me, “Wow that was a real change of subject.”

I smiled, “sometimes you have to change leads.”

He nodded. “What does that mean?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Watch out for the yucca plants.” He said with a smile.

“I’m more worried about the barbed wire fence.”

He nodded, “I think it’s funny how you relate everything to training horses.”

I laughed, “Well I am a horse trainer.”

“And a damn good one. Don’t ever doubt that.” He said with a smile.

We sat in silence for a little while. “I’m getting my knee done.”
“I know.” He said quietly.

“What happens if I don’t recover and don’t make it to the Olympics?” I mumbled staring straight ahead.

He sighed, “Your going to make it.”

The New Life: The Sportster

I sunk down onto the couch. Bella jumped up next to me, put her front paws on my leg and laid her silver head on the back of the couch. “If she bothers you just tell her to get down. Want a beer or something?” He asked as he walked into the kitchen.

“Just a coke.” I called after him.

“I’ve got some whiskey.” He said.

I snorted, “Yeah my whiskey.”

“Oh no that’s long gone, pretty good stuff.” He said as he came back into the living room.

I glared at him.

“I’m kidding.”
“Just a coke please.”

“Tequila still kicking you?” He asked as he disappeared again.

“Yes.” I moaned. Bella grunted, upset I was ignoring her. “Lay down.” I crooned. She sighed then curled up on the corner cushion of the couch.

D came back into the room and her ears perked. He handed me the Coke and then sat down in the lazy boy across from me. “How’s the knee?” He said as he popped the top of his Coke.

I shook my head, “Still attached.”

He smiled, “Still having the surgery?”

“Yeah, in January. I may change surgeons since I’ll be here.” I said with a sigh already dreading it.

“Well maybe if you change surgeons you can get in sooner.”  He said.

I stared at the cold coke in my hand. “Maybe.”

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

I fought the tears back. “Nothing.”

He sighed, “Liar.”

“It’s just the tequila hangover.” I said in a whisper. Bella squirmed so that her head could touch my knee.

“Becks.” He whispered.

“You don’t understand. It doesn’t matter I still love him.” I said as the tears started again. “It’s been a few days since I cried and I just had to go and text him last night.”

He leaned back in his chair. “You know my opinion about this.”

I sighed, “I know, but that doesn’t stop my heart. It doesn’t heal the pain.”

He closed his eyes, “I hate this.”

“What?” I asked.

“You in pain. If he honestly loved you he’d realize you’re in pain and that you still love him and want to fix things. Beck don’t fool yourself, I think he’s over it.”

I shook my head, “I don’t know. He won’t say.”

“Either way you need to be over this too.” He said in almost a whisper.

I closed my eyes, “No matter what I say or do I can’t recover.”

We sat in silence for awhile. I eventually opened my Coke and recovered from the tears. I rubbed Bella’s foot as she stretched out.

“She’s a pest sometimes.” He said.

“I don’t mind. Have you met my two?”

He laughed. “Yeah.”

“So I know that new bike is around here somewhere. I have to assume that’s why you brought me here.” I said as I sat my Coke down on the coffee table.

He smiled, “You think so huh.”

“You called me Friday and told me that the bike was mine. Don’t play with me.”

He laughed, “Fine. Come on.” He stood up. Bella leapt to her feet and trotted beside him starring up at him. I stood up and followed them.

We trekked through the gourmet kitchen, designed by his mother, through the laundry room into the garage. He closed the door behind me. I admired the Dodge and Harley memorabilia around the garage as the florescent lights flickered on.

“It’s over here.” He said motioning.

I followed him around the Jeep he’d been “rebuilding” for two years now over to where the motorcycle collection sat. I laid my hand on the gleaming Husker red Road King, “When did you get the Pan Head?” I asked as I stared at the bike in pieces on the floor.

He chuckled, “Well that ones a long story. I got it a couple weeks ago, I was supposed to rebuild it but the guy’s wife told him to sell it. So since I was already rebuilding it I just bought it, figured I’d find someone to buy it once it’s done.”

“You and your rebuilding projects.” I said motioning over to the Jeep.

“Hey now.”

“What. Honestly two years to rebuild a Jeep?” I said with a laugh.

He rolled his eyes.

“So a couple of weeks ago you told me you bought a new bike, is this it?” I said as I moved over to the black bike next to the Road King.

“Yeah.” He said. “I traded the Road Glide in for it.”

I nodded, “I was just going to ask you where it was. So what is this bike?” I asked.

“A Harley.”

“No shit Sherlock.” I mumbled.

“It’s a Fat Boy.”

“I haven’t seen one in person.” I mumbled as I admired the bike.

“It’s okay. I’m pretty impressed you recognize a Road King and a Pan Head.” He said as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“Well Bowman did teach me a thing, maybe two.” I said with a smirk.

“Oh geeze.” He said rolling his eyes. “This one over here,” he paused, “is the one we bought.”

I smiled, “We.”

“Well kinda. I figured I’d make the first few payments on it. Kind of a bribe for coming home.” He said with a smile as he took the cover off.

The gleaming blue Sportster I had been pining over said hello. I caught my breath in my chest.  I’d spent an outrageous amount of money on it, but I was happy, I had a bike of my own.

“Promise your going to ride it.” He said.

“I promise.”

“Good, then you may need this.” He walked over to his tool box and dug through the top drawer. He walked back to me with an envelope in hand. “Classes. I’m a good teacher but you’re going to need some professional help. Besides when you are done you’ll have your license and be in Sturgis with the boys.”

I smiled, “D you are the best.”

“I want one more promise.” He said as he handed me the envelope.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“No more tears.”

I met his eyes and paused, “It’ll be hard.”

“That’s what this bike is for, a distraction.”

I laughed, “I’ll try my hardest.”

He nodded in agreement. “Give him some time.”

“Kay.” I said as I starred at the Sportster, the new love of my life.

I took this picture the very first time I met this bike.
 It's been on my mind since then.

The New Life: Straight Tequila

There are two drinking nights that you want to watch out for. The mild one is straight whiskey nights, those happen a lot and they aren’t much to worry about, it’s the straight tequila that you have to watch. Those nights are rare, maybe once a year. They are the nights when I can’t cope, the nights when I need honest answers, the nights when I really don’t care.

Tequila has some ruthless side effects on me. It gets me drunk really fast, it takes away my filter; with straight tequila I throw all my cares away. But it does have one up to it; it makes me see things in a bright, clear, and honest light. I become not only honest about myself, my life, but other peoples lives. I become a life coach, a real Doctor Phil.

Last night was a straight tequila night. One shot after another the girls kept throwing them my way. So the good drinker I am I kept pouring them down. I lost count after eight.

The bright, white, honest light came then. It shone on everything I went through these last couple of weeks. Starting with the break up with Handsome; I should have taken some time to heal over that, I shouldn’t have rushed so eagerly into a new relationship, no matter how great it was. After I had set that aside and reached some inner peace with it I remember a glass of Coke and Jameson, probably because Ash noticed I needed to slow it down.

Then came everything with Bowman. I thought about where we started, that was okay moving from friends to a relationship. I searched through everything and couldn’t find the point he thinks I’m lying about. In my Dr. Phil mode I apparently texted him. I read through the texts, they are classic tequila. They don’t make sense, they don’t argue my case, except for two of them. Those were purely honest. The one I had sent at round two that opened the conversation, and one of the last ones, the one about why I am moving to Omaha.

I learned that no matter what I say or do I’ll never be over him. My heart will always want him and regret how things went. No matter whom I find in life I will probably always love him. Maybe that’s what it’s supposed to be like; maybe that is God’s plan. But I do know that some answers from him would be nice, maybe then I could really begin to heal.

Straight Tequila has one more nasty effect, morning puke…

The New Life: The Always Present Corgis

The last couple of days I’ve been sick. Let’s call it the stomach flu. My corgi’s, who normally love everyone but me have been very lovable. Almost obsessive. I came home from work today exhausted and feeling worse then yesterday, but they were right there, waiting at the door for me.

Addie and Cody, summer '11

Adalade, Addie, never sleeps with me. If given the option she sleeps in her kennel or on the floor. She's never been a cuddler. But over the last couple of days she's begun to snuggle with me at night. It may just be the winter coming, or it may be her knowing I don't feel well either way I'm happy. I love having a snuggle bug.

Addie, Summer '10

Kodiak, Cody, has always been a snuggler, ever since he first came home. But he's become independent most of the time. He's the man of the house, and he knows it. He's protective of me, but he liked Bowman, and only Bowman. He's annoyed by The Big D, and extremely unhappy when other men enter the house. He's my protector, my man.

Cody, Summer '10

I adore my corgis. They were with me through the divorce. They can't not love me, they are pretty much stuck. I've been silly to think I'm going through this alone. My babies will always be with me. My always present corgis.

The New Life: New Direction

I shivered as I looked across the lake. I stood on the edge starring at the ducks that were ignoring me. I sighed and sat down on the bank. I watched the trees dance in the chilling fall day. I wrapped my coat closer to me and closed my eyes.

Thinking about the emotional wreck I’ve been lately made my heart sting. Thinking about the fact that in 14 days I’ll be 22 and celebrating another birthday alone, made it hurt worse. I opened my eyes and watched the fall sandhills around me. The ducks quietly chatted amongst themselves. I decided I need a little bit of direction.

So I’ve been thinking about it, thinking about who I’ve been for the last couple of months. I decided the Becks that was here, isn’t going to be the Becks that is here next year. So I started making some goals, setting some direction. I started the list, I’m sure it will grow but here is a start.

Life Goals:

1. Find a job that I enjoy. One that I want to do; one that I look forward to every morning.
2. Figure out how to make myself happy, not depend on someone else doing it

Fun Goals:

1. Get back into the show ring
2. Take a motorcycle class and buy my own bike
3. Get Luna started

Relationship Goals:

1. Find someone to have fun with and just enjoy having fun
2. Don’t worry about getting married or the future, it’ll happen when the time is right