The New Life: Changes

The nightmares stopped that night. Instead I dreamt of shooting and riding, I dreamt of the Olympics and the gold medal. The next morning I sat at the dining room table as D read the paper. "Has she ever visited you before?" I asked.
He laid the paper down, a puzzled look swept across his face, "A couple of times. I figured she would be around yesterday." He said.
I cocked my head to the side, "Why?"
He smiled, "I felt you let go, let go of fear. I saw the hope come back to you. I knew she was here."
I smiled, "It was that noticeable."
He nodded, "What changed that? What brought the hope back?"
"I'm not sure. I guess it's just because I'm tired of being sad. Tired of pretending everything is okay, so I decided that it really is okay."
"Is that why you are shooting better?" He asked.
I shook my head, "No that's because of spite."
He laughed, "What?"
"I'm going to get competitive. I'm going to put my heart and soul into shooting that bow. Because I am a woman scorned and Hell hath no furry..."
"Like a woman scorned." He said with a smile.
"One day I'll be at the top." I said with a smile, "One day I'll have that gold medal. If it isn't from riding it'll be from shooting."
He smiled, "Here's the Beck I've been waiting for."
I nodded, "Yep. She's here to stay to."

The New Life: Her Song

I stood in the kitchen watching the quiet rain fall on the yard. The sun was setting in the trees. I sighed and leaned onto the kitchen counter staring out the picture window. Bella laid at my feet, my corgis snuggled next to her.
The house was silent. Bella's ears perked before I heard it.



"You feel like you're falling backwards
Like you're slippin' through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can't see it now"

 "Hey Girl what are you doing?" D asked as he came through the hallway.
I straightened up, a little startled and looked over to him, "Hey. I was just thinking about what to make for dinner."
He smiled, laid the keys down on the counter, "not trying to nest are you?" He said with a laugh.
"No D, just trying to be a good house guest." I said.
"House guests don't cook." He said. "I'll order a pizza."
I nodded, "kay."
He disappeared, leaving me in the kitchen.
"You heard it to huh." I whispered to Bella. My corgis still sleeping beside her. She cocked her head to the side as the singing began again.

"But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will"

"It's a familiar song. The voice, it's familiar too." I whispered to her. She stood up and came over to me. I rubbed her head and listened a little longer.

"You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You're just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
And you don't know it yet"

"Hey D." I yelled to him through the house.
He came trotting out of the office, "Whats wrong?"
"That singing do you hear it?" I asked.
He stood quiet for a second, "I think you are imagining things."
"It's very familiar. I've heard it before." I mummbled closing my eyes.
"Beck you okay." He asked laying his hand on my arm.
I opened my eyes, "Yeah. It must be nothing."
He half heartidly smiled, "Okay. So I'm going to order stuffed crust."
I nodded. He went back to the office. Bella whined a little and sat where he had been standing. "You hear it to, it's not just me."

"Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you're made of, you're made of"

"One day you will
Oh one day you will"

Bella lept to her feet and ran to the sliding glass door. My corgis heard her run and quickly chased after her. I turned my head to catch a glimpsie of her at the window. I caught my breath in my chest. "Hey." I whispered.
She smiled, her blue eyes beaming in life, "remember Baby Girl, it'll all be alright."
I nodded.
"Hey Beck, why don't you call your momma and have her come over." He said as he walked out of the office over to where I was. "What's wrong?"
She faded as he touched my arm. "You are so white, Beck are you okay?" He said as he reached up and touched my face.
I flinched, "uh yeah. I'm okay."
"Beck."
"She sang to me. The song she used to sing when I was hopeless." I whispered.
He cocked his head to the side, "Who?"
"Sonny." I whispered.
He caught his breath in his chest. "Oh Beck."

The New Life: Welcome HOME

The city lights say I'm here...

A Bowhunter's Legacy: A Year Ago

It was a year ago last Thursday when I first started to shoot with the guys down at the range. A lot has changed. I've gone through three bows and about two dozen arrows. I've made more friends then I can count. But somewhere in it all I changed. I became more like the woman I want to be.

Arie, the Pink Parker, is finally shooting well. I finally got help adjusting it so the sight works properly. I am now shooting groups the size of quarters. It's only taken a year and around six sights to get to this point, but I am finally doing it.  The first night I sighted in my sight I thought it was fluke. I'm known for shooting great groups and then suddenly throwing my arrows all over. But last night, the third time I've consistently shot with this sight, we played follow the leader. Basically a game of HORSE, an archer picks shots he knows he can make but doesn't believe the other players can. Anyway I didn't break one arrow, didn't miss one target, and all were worth a score. I was extremely happy, and when I went back to the paper target I was still shooting quarter sized groups.

I'll be in Omaha for a couple of weeks before the first archery tournament here at the range. I have set up a couple of pro lessons and enlisted the Big D to help me so I continute on with this growth. I'll have available time and a private range, thanks to the D. I am hoping I'll return with the confidence and a bow that shoots better then before.

There may be Hope yet!

You know it's you who calls me back here

Fall in The Clearing

You hear it every day
Once upon a time they say
Once upon a time in this place
I looked and saw on your face
A smile that spoke to me
In oh so many ways

Hoping and believing
That love built this garden
For the two of us to dream in



We’d get a little rain
Then the sun came out again
But a frost it’s hard to fight
Once it takes hold flowers die
There’s only so much you can do
To keep some things alive

Sad to say, it’s true
Without a lover who
Cares as much

_Love Built a Garden_
Elton John
Re-read the lyrics, it's not about a garden at all



This is where I have found comfort lately, in the clearing. Hidden in the tall grass and bare branches. I sit and wait, for what I'm not sure. The deer have migrated for the winter, to better ground with more forage and cover. I don't carry my bow when I go, I usually just find my way there at odd times of the day, times when my mind is clear.
I'm not sure what draws me. Maybe it's the memory of hunting here. Maybe it's the empty deer trails with the fallen leaves. Maybe it's the frozen lake. It's all gone like the love, gone. Soon there will be a heavy snow and the tall dry grass will be gone too. Soon the wind will blow and the dried leaves will blow away.
But what keeps drawing me here...

The New Life: Colder Weather

The nightmare is one that bothers me every night. It’s been there lingering for the last couple of weeks. Usually it starts with the picture of me and him on his bike. You can see our two smiles, then the picture goes from still to life, the bike rumbles to life, I wave goodbye to my Mom and away we go. It plays out almost exactly the same way it did the day the picture was taken the movement the reactions, the happenings. Except something changes and we end up on the highway to the hills, somewhere we didn’t originally go that day. As the dream progresses everything is great and then suddenly the bike tilts and we begin to slide across the pavement. He reaches out to catch me, his eyes meet mine, the love is still there, he wants to catch me, but I keep sliding.

Sometimes the dream stops here, other times it moves to us standing in the parking lot talking. The conversation lingers and stays the same, the look in his eyes is the same, and the heartache is still there. I just turn and walk away, and as I reach my car my eyes meet his. There is where it always ends.

Of course I know what the dream signifies, losing love. It’s just odd that it begins with that day, a day when I couldn’t have been more in love with him. My nightmares of my high school sweetheart are completely different; they aren’t vivid like this dream is. They don’t haunt me like this dream does. There is something different about this dream, something that I haven’t exactly figured out . . . something. . .

From the Saddle: Wanted- Joint Doctors

Today I found myself facing the unbearable fact that I may not get a show season in 2012. Boo Boo has pulled up lame. I’m hoping he’s just pulled a muscle since he wasnt lame Wednesday and with a little bute he will straighten right out. If not I’ll be taking him to Sturgis to the best leg doctor around. You may ask why not a local vet, well they are great in emergency situations, but jumper legs are a little more complicated. I need to take Sweet Cheeks up there to have his leg ultra sounded before show season also. The joint he injured a few years ago gives him no problems, but I am curious as to how much scar tissue is in it, and if he really will be able to keep up with the rigors of the show circuit again, after all we both are older.

Show season is looming, so is my knee surgery. But I’ve been connected with a surgeon in Chicago that thinks a complete knee replacement isn’t necessary. I fly up the week before Christmas to have my consultation with him. I hope he has a real solution that doesn’t involve ripping my knee out…

If I do end up with a complete replacement I might as well forget showing, even riding, this year. It’s going to put a hold on competing in the ring, competing with my bow, and even riding my motorcycle. I’m dreading it, fearful of the change, fearful it won’t really help my situation. But let’s hope Mr. Chicago has some better answers and that the boys don't have to go see their own joint doctor....

Dear Mr. Right

Dear Mr. Right,

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve written and rewritten this letter. It plays through my head during the quiet moments of the day. I find myself writing it while I’m running, trying to find the words to fit how I feel. It lingers when I’m riding, making it hard to focus on the jumps in front of me.

When I sat on the airplane watching Nebraska pass beneath me I couldn’t stop thinking about how you are down there somewhere waiting for our moment in time. But then I realized now isn’t a good time to fall in love again, now shouldn’t be that moment in time. You see I’m still in love with him, some say that is because you and him are one in the same. But I don’t think so, why would Fate be so cruel?

I wonder who you really are. Are you a local rancher, a motorcycle enthusiast, a professional archer, a pilot, maybe you are someone I don’t know yet. That’s the likely story, someone who has yet to come into my life. I would like to think that Fate has you right around the corner and once I give up on this hopeless past of mine you will come into my life and be there and never leave.

It’s all hopeless wonder and worry. Fate will be Fate and I just have to realize that. But Mr. Right I’m ready for our Happily Ever After. Do you think Happily Ever After exists? Will it ever be our moment in time?

With Love,

Becki

The New Life: Weekend at Ds

I lay in bed staring up at the ceiling. Bella squirmed as her nose stuck out from under the comforter. She’d hastily gotten into bed as soon as I pulled the comforter back and refused to move once I had gotten in. “She usually sleeps in that bed alone.” D had told me earlier when I had put my stuff in the room.

“I’m sure we will get along just fine.” I had said as I patted her on the head.

I slid over in the king sized bed to give her more room. She groaned and stretched out, “you are as bad as a man.” I mumbled as I shoved the pillow under my head. She snorted and rolled around under the comforter so her paws were pressing against my back. “Come on now we have to share the bed.” I mumbled. She pushed a little harder, “D thinks you've got personality." I said exaggerating the last word, "I think you are a spoiled brat.”

Eventually we had stopped arguing and both had fallen asleep. I awoke from a dream around one and she had taken to her side of the bed. I brushed my hair out of my face and tried to catch my breath. Nightmares have been bothering me for the last couple of weeks. I tried to relax in bed but couldn’t do it, so I got up and walked downstairs to the kitchen.

D had built this house from the ground up, he’d only been living in it for a week. It was oddly close to my dream house, I had thought that when I had arrived at the doorstep, “familiar.” When I had first learned D was building a new home I was amazed. He’d lived in the house he was born in; he’d lived in it for close to forty years. “Why are you moving?” I had asked.

“Because I need more space and I think it’s time to move on.” He had replied.

I stood in the kitchen as I replayed that through my mind. “Better late then never.” I mumbled as I found a glass. The fridge was stuffed full of food. D had found his inner chef somewhere after his mother had passed. He’d mastered everything but brownies, he still begged me to bake those, and after tasting his version I knew why. I grabbed the Coke out of the fridge and poured an almost full glass. I settled it back in the fridge and walked down to the game room.

The lights flickered on as I found the light switch. “If you’d keep the whiskey in the kitchen.” I mumbled, building my argument for if he walked in. I walked past the pool table over to the bar. I set my glass down on the bar and walked around it. I touched each bottle as I looked for the Jameson. When I reached it I kissed the bottle then poured a double, maybe it was a triple. I smiled put the bottle back and took the remote off of the bar top.

I sunk into the leather couch and turned on the flat screen. Eventually Bella came to find me, “what’s wrong you had the bed to yourself.” I mumbled as she jumped up beside me. “You could have at least brought a blanket.” I mumbled. She groaned and laid down next to me, her silver head hanging off of the couch, “don’t blame it on me.” I mumbled then took a sip of my mainly whiskey and Coke. I closed my eyes and listened to the quiet chatter on the TV. When I had finished my whiskey I took the glass back to the kitchen and found my way to the garage.

I walked past the newly hung Harley memorabilia. Bella’s tags clinked behind me, “you could be quieter.” I whispered. She snorted but kept following me. We made it to the garage where I flicked the florescent lights on. The pickup was thawing out leaving puddles on the floor. My eyes shifted from it over to the row of bikes. D had put the Panhead back together and then had bought another addition, a 1957 Sportster. It sat uncovered between my Sportster and the Road King. The five bikes sat perfectly aligned along the edge of the garage, The Road King, The Vintage Sportster, My Sportster, The Panhead, and finally The Fat Boy. I smiled at the line up. Along the wall behind them hung pictures of vintage Harleys, pictures I had found for him. “Eventually I’ll get a shop built just for the bikes.” He had mumbled as we stood in the garage earlier in the day admiring the pictures we'd just hung.

Bella sat on the top step and stared at me. I sighed and walked over to my bike, she was uncovered, I’d been messing with her earlier in the day, and despite D’s insistence I had left the cover off. A habit he said he’d break me of. I laughed as I thought about it all.

In all the time we had known each other I hadn’t once asked to ride his motorcycle. He’d always had one and he had always wanted me to ride; I guess it wasn’t what Fate wanted. Fate wanted my first ride to be with someone else, someone special. I ran my hand across the paint and smiled.

“I know what’s going to happen. I’m going to swing my leg over and shit will hit the fan.” I whispered. She beckoned to me, drew me closer, begging me to just swing over. I walked around her admiring her grace. She was prettier then the older Sportster, more graceful. Of course motorcycles aren’t supposed to be graceful; they are supposed to be masculine, but not her. I slid my hand across the seat and finally swung over. I took her off of the stand and sat down, balancing her between my legs.

It was rapid, the rush of emotions. I had bottled them up, fought them every step of the way, but I couldn’t stop them now. I thought about how I wanted so badly to ride with Bowman. How I could have spent every single second of everyday on the back of his bike. I remembered the first time I had felt the rush of the bike, how I was instantly hooked. Then I felt it, his hand on my knee, and I lost it. I lost every ounce of strength I had built up. It rushed over me and I knew why the nightmares were haunting me.

“Damn it.” I sobbed through the pain. “I thought I was over him.”

Bella whined as she stared at me. D stepped out from around the door and watched me. “You okay?” he asked.

I nodded.

He stepped out into the garage, “I was hoping this wouldn’t happen.”

I shrugged, “I knew it was going to.”

He sighed, “Is there anyway to make it better?”

I sat quietly for awhile. “Probably not.”

“Oh.” He whispered.

My eyes met his. “I thought I was over him, over the damn pain. But here I am again crying.”

He nodded, “You said you wouldn’t cry anymore.”

“I know.” I moaned, and then settled the bike back onto the stand. I swung around and took a step back.

“You know it’s okay to not be over him yet. It’s okay to remember riding with him, shooting with him, loving him. It’s okay for all of that to still be there.” D said in a low voice, “after all you thought he was the other half of your soul.”

I nodded but didn’t make eye contact. "I still love him."

“You can still love him, but you can’t hold out hoping he will be back. Does a part of you still think he is your soul mate?”

I stood silently.

“Beck, now is the time to let Fate have the reins.” He said quietly, “Let the Lord guide you. Let Sonny help you. Let someone else have the reins. I know you ride to win, but maybe this with him is a ride you can't win."

A Bowhunter's Legacy: Broken Promise

D sat across from the table. He looked over his beer glass with a straight face. “What did you do?”

I squirmed in my chair, “I messed my bow up.”

He sighed, “Beck I told you if you needed something done you needed to ask Bowman or me.”

“Well Bowman wasn’t exactly an option. I asked, I know, and you, you were a little absent. What did you want!” I said getting frustrated.

“We had a deal. You broke your promise. You are going to have to figure out how to fix it yourself.” He said leaning back in his chair.

I sighed, “Fine.”

We sat in silence for awhile. “I mean it Beck. Fix it or I won’t buy you that new bow.” He said sternly staring me down.

“I got it D. Now can we change the subject?” I took a drink of my wine and stared at him.

“What do you want to talk about?” He asked.

“Well for starters why you’re being so damn pissy?” I said setting my glass on the table.

He sighed, “I’m just frustrated.”

“With what?” I asked.

“You.”

I sighed and put my head in my hands.

Don't carry your mistakes around with you. Their weight will crush you. Instead lay them on the ground and use them as stepping stones to something better.

Know what I realized today, it's been over a month since the breakup.... I didnt even see that month come or go...

The New Life: ?

Today's Horoscope:
"A romantic situation that you find yourself in will soften your heart, which may have become hardened by the recent ending of a relationship that meant a lot to you. The current astral energies imply that the person you meet could take your mind off the hurt and pain that you have been feeling, and help you to feel as though you could dare to love again."

I don't usually read much into these, but this one has me wondering...

Never let the seeds of doubt take root, because once they do they become weeds that are impossible to remove.