The Sportster: First Impressions

“So how come you are getting into riding?” Harper asked as the pizza arrived at the table.

I accumulated my answer briefly, “My ex boyfriend introduced me to riding. Six blocks into my first ride I knew I needed my own bike.”

They took the answer without pushing further, I was thankful. I didn’t want to get into the long version of the story.

Blue, who’d been quiet most of the dinner, finally spoke, “D says you’ve got some fear.”

I nodded as they slid a slice of pizza onto my plate, “I’m scared of traffic.”

“That’s not what I mean.” He said sternly.

I paused, staring at my food, “Oh you mean the fear of laying my bike down.”

He nodded. He looked like the stereotypical biker. He had a long gray beard that was wind whipped so bad it was almost over his shoulder. His face looked like it had been made of leather; you could see where he wore his sunglasses. He wore a black vest with a short sleeve shit under it, I imagined he still had his chaps on to but I couldn’t tell. He rolled his sleeve up to reveal his whole arm.

It was horrible, it looked like somewhere in the past his bare skin had met some highway, and the highway had won. “I wrecked my bike about nine years ago, laid it down on the interstate.” He paused, “I didn’t let it stop me.”

Jay’s dad stared at me, “will you let the fear stop you?”

I knew I was making my first impression on all of them. I knew they doubted that I wanted to really ride; I knew they figured it had been D’s idea. My eyes met his, “I won’t let fear stop me from riding. I won’t let anything stop me.” I said sternly.

He seemed to size me up again, “hum.”

Jay looked over to me, “why did you stop showing?”

I was taken aback, I hadn’t expected it. “I stopped showing for a lot of reasons.”

“Was fear one of them?” He asked quickly.

I thought about it for a minute, there wasn’t any point in lying. He’d seen how bad I had been injured, he’d been the one who’d picked me up out of the arena dirt; he knew it was fear that had settled into me. “Not originally, but yes I’ve developed a fear.”

In my head I figured I had lost some points with the group. “There may come a time when you get hurt as badly as Blue did. Would that stop you?” Dad asked.

My eyes met Blue’s eyes. I could picture what had happened to him, I thought about it for a moment. Was riding something I’d let fear stop me from? My eyes met Dad’s again, “I won’t let anything stop me from riding.”

He nodded, “okay then.”

I made a mental note to thank D for the interrogation I was going through. The table fell silent.

The Sportster: The Ride

The stop light at the middle of town concerned me. I slowed down and stopped next to Jay. There was a big delivery truck behind us, I attempted to not let it worry me, but he kept getting closer and closer. Jay looked over at me, “you doing okay?”

My expression must have scared him as we made eye contact. “Stick with me Beck!” He yelled.

I nodded, knowing I didn’t really have any option, I was at his will. The light turned green and we were off again. Luckily the truck wasn’t behind us at the next stop light. I was beginning to get tired after about 15 miles, I knew we’d have 15 more to get back home. When Jay stopped at the stop sign I knew I needed to tell him. He looked over at me, “Let’s head back.” He said before I could say anything.

I smiled, D would have continued to push me. I nodded and we turned around. The highway was open and quiet, it enabled us to go at a speed that I was comfortable with. The aggressive driving D had warned me of, didn’t appear.

We rolled into the pizza place. There were six bikes already parked there, D’s included. “What the hell.” I mumbled.

Jay and I parked our bikes with the mess, “It just the rest of the guys.”

I looked through the bikes and recognized Toby and Tennessees bikes. I sighed, “great.” There were three I had never seen before. My stomach knotted.

“I thought D didn’t ride with a club.”I said to Jay as I swung off my bike.

“We aren’t really a club. Just a group of friends that ride together.” He said as he took his helmet off.

I pulled my helmet off and unzipped my jacket. “Oh I see. So why are they here?”

“We meet every Monday afternoon when it turns into riding weather.” He said.

I paused thinking about why we had turned around; it wasn’t because he knew I was tired, it was because it was dinner time.

“Don’t worry they won’t bite.” He said with a laugh.

I rolled my eyes, “whatever.”

He mimicked me, “whatever.”

I slapped him on the shoulder, “at least you haven’t lost your sense of humor.”

He smiled at me and wrapped his arm around me, “come on.”

We walked into the place, I spotted the group immediately. I recognized Jay’s dad and mom; she smiled as she saw us. “You know my mom and dad. This is Toby and Blue, Harper, and I think maybe you know Tennessee.”He said with a knowing smirk.

“I’ve met Toby to.” I said quietly as the man who resembled Toby Keith smiled at me.

“This is Beck everyone.” D said cutting in, “Come on guys have a seat.”

We sat down in the empty chairs across from Jay’s parents.

“How are you girl?” Shelly, his mother asked.

“I’m good. How are you?”

“Well as good as I could be I guess! Are you still showing horses?” She asked.

I shook my head, “I’ve been out of the show ring for awhile now.”

“Oh that’s really too bad. You were really good.” She said as the waitress walked up to the table.

“What can I get you two?” She asked cutting in.

We ordered our drinks, and then it was time for Jay’s dad to lay the questions down. He’d always been brassy, he never sugar coated anything. “So I hear you want to be a rider huh?”

I flinched a little; I had forgotten how sharp he could be. Shelly slapped him on the shoulder, “play nice.”

Jay sighed, “She did great riding today.” D briefly smiled at the end of the table. I could feel the group as a whole tense though, unsure of how I’d handle the situation.

I didn’t need them to defend me, “I have every intention of becoming a rider. I’m not going to let anything stop me.”

He leaned back in his chair, “you are still the same girl.”

I sized him up, “No I have more of an attitude now.”

His face went stone solid, for a second I thought I had pissed him off. Then all of the sudden a wave of laughter hit him, “okay Beck!”

Jay relaxed in his chair, D’s fists unclenched at the end of the table, the rest of the guys eased to. It appeared to me that Jay’s dad was the “leader”. I knew the test at the DMV would get me my license, but the real test, as if I was going to be a real rider would come from Jay’s dad.

To Be Continued…

Toby Keith - Beers Ago

How many beers has it been?

267 Beers ago was my 21^st Birthday Party

197 Beers ago my divorce was finalized

190 Beers ago I fell in Love

99 Beers ago my heart was broken

55 Beers ago was the last time we kissed

27 Beers ago was the last time we hugged

17 Beers ago was the last time we talked in person

11 Beers ago was the last time we texted

1 Beer ago I realized just how much I miss you…

The Sportster: Trust

We stood in the garage looking at the bikes. Jay stood next to me, his arm wrapped around my waist. “D’s been really reckless with me. The first time I had it on the street he took me into rush hour traffic.” I said as I stared at the Sportster.

Jay sighed, “That was probably a bad idea. Are you scared to ride it now?”

I thought for a moment, “I’m scared but not enough to stop riding.”

He nodded, “let’s go then. I’ll take you out around town, maybe the highway if you want.”

My eyes met his blue ones, I thought about it for a moment. I could still sense that at some point in time the Sportster would hurt me. “Okay.” I said in almost a low whisper.

He smiled, “you are going to be just fine sweetie.”

D pulled into the driveway as I rolled the bike out of the garage. He stepped out of the truck and paused, “what ya doing?”

“Jay is going to take me out.” I said, hoping he wouldn’t be mad.

“Oh okay. Do you want me to come?” He asked.

I shrugged, “if you want to.”

He sighed, “Are you still mad at me?”

I leaned the bike onto its stand and straightened up. I pulled my ponytail out and made it a bun so I could slip my helmet on. I was avoiding answering him.

“I’m sorry. What I did was stupid. I realize that. I can’t push you any further then you are ready for.” D said still standing by his truck. Jay sat down on his bike, trying to pretend he wasn’t listening.

“I appreciate the apology. I just want you to understand I’m a little bit afraid, and I don’t need anymore stupid shit to fuck me up.” I swung over my bike. “Are you coming?” I knew if we continued to hash out the problem it would turn into a fight.

He sighed and looked over to Jay, “I’ll meet you down at the pizza place for dinner, just call me when you guys get there.”

Jay nodded, “Will do.”

D looked over at me, in a low voice he stated “take it easy. Jay is an aggressive rider.”

I sighed, “I’ll be fine.” I started my engine, I could tell D was being protective, it annoyed me. I felt like Jay couldn’t have done any worse then D had the day before.

To Be Continued…

The New Life: 3 Years Later

I was in the backyard working on the flower bed next to the pond when I heard the bike pull up. D had been called into work, and I had chose to stay for a few extra days, knowing if I didn’t work on the backyard it wouldn’t get any attention. Bella stood at the backyard gate, her nub of a tail wagging. I sighed and stood up. She howled a little as the engine cut off. I walked to the gate, let her out, and followed her around the house to the front yard.

He swung off his bike as I made it around the corner. I recognized him immediately, “Jay! What are you doing here?” Jay had been one of my close friends in high school. He’d been on the ACA-DECA team with me, we’d shot archery together and his little sister had been in the same show barn as me.

His eyes widened and he smiled at me as he remembered me, “D is a friend of mine. He told me to stop by today to look at a bike he’s rebuilt.” He said as he walked around his bike. “How long has it been since I’ve seen you?”

“Graduation probably.” I said as we stood a little less than a foot apart. “You are still as handsome as the day we graduated.”

He laughed, “Beck, are you flirting with me?”

I took a step back, “apparently I am.”

He took a step towards me filling the space I had left, “I didn’t believe D when he told me you were here.”

“So you weren’t here to see the bike then?” I asked.

He smiled, “no. But I hear you ride now.”

I nodded, “well I only have my learners permit.”

“You are still the one that got away.” He said in almost a whisper as he reached up to brush my bangs away.

I caught my breath in my chest, “what?”

“I’ve been in love with you since the fifth grade. Broke my heart when you married that loser.” He said quietly.

“Well I’m divorced now.” I said quietly.

“I’ve heard.” He took another step closer to me. “So are we going to take that ride?”

“Are we still talking about the bikes?” I asked.

Bella whined a little as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into him. My knees went weak as he kissed me. I whispered, “Apparently not” As soon as I could catch a breath.

A Bowhunter's Legacy: Sonny's Shoot

This weekend was Sonny’s shoot. D and I had agreed that I needed to be there for it. So I came and I shot. I chose not to compete Friday night; I was struggling with the pain in my knee and a developing pain in my shoulder. But I did shoot Saturday morning.

I shot my personal best of 291 in competition. It’s still not the 300 I am looking for, but it’s closer! I had a lot of fun shooting with my old friends from JOAD. We shared our memories of Sonny and our experiences. I was happy to know I’m not the only one she visits. I was also happy to learn that a couple of the girls from my class are working on competing nationally.

Sonny would have been proud of me. She would have been happy with how I shot, although I am sure there are a few things she’d probably change. In a couple of weeks I’ll shoot AAC’s last shoot of the year. I’m hoping to catch my 300 there.

The Sportster: Fear

I have a nasty feeling, but it’s only when I get around the Sportster. It’s a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that consumes me. It starts at my core and radiates out through my muscles and into my bones. It sucks me in and keeps me there until I walk away from my bike. It doesn’t happen around other bikes. I’m okay when I window shop at the dealers, or even when I’m on a different bike, it’s only the Sportster.

It’s the same feeling you get when you know something bad is going to happen. It’s the feeling when you find out your ex-boyfriend has a new girl. The feeling when you hear you have cancer. The feeling when someone says they don’t love you anymore. It’s a nasty feeling that you only know about if you’ve felt it before.

The Sportster didn’t always have this feeling around it. It didn’t have it until I realized just how dangerous it would be if I were to lose control over it. The fear was amplified when the dumbasses laid it down on me. But it wasn’t exploding until this past weekend.

I have a learners permit, and I’ve had it for several weeks now. I’ve learned how to operate the bike, but I’ve never handled it on my own, in a non-confined space, i.e. traffic. The genius D decided that we needed to change that, that this weekend would be prime time for me to take it out into traffic. But not just traffic, fucking rush hour, Omaha traffic.

I made it a little over 2 miles before I had a panic attack. I had to pull over, in a Walmart parking lot and let Tennessee, whom I wouldn’t trust with a demolition derby car, take over my bike. I climbed onto D’s Road King, without realizing I was doing it and rode down to the Harley dealership. We were back home before I stopped crying. It was awful, you would have thought I had just got my heart broke, again!

When we got home I sunk down onto the overstuffed couch in the living room. I was still shaking from the nerves pulsating through my body.

“Maybe it was to soon.” D said as he handed me a beer, an attempt to soothe my nerves.

“Fucking a right! What the hell were you thinking?” I said ignoring the beer being shoved in my face. Bella jumped onto the couch and laid her head onto my lap. I rubbed her ears.

“You are going to have to do it at some point.” He said as he sat down across from me.

“I told you I won’t ride alone in Omaha, and you fucking take me right to Omaha. God damn it!”

“Beck, you’ve got to get over your fear.” He said in a quiet voice.

“I’ll get over it but you can’t force me to do it!” I hollered, Bella jumped up and growled at D. “Just let me get comfortable.” I stood up and walked upstairs to my bedroom, Bella trotting behind me. I shut the door behind us, no not shut, slammed it behind us.

I crawled under the covers and closed my eyes, Bella laid down next to me, her silver head on the other pillow. I wasn’t crying any longer, the fear had subsided. I attempted to think about some of the better motorcycle rides I’ve been on. They only brought pain, I realized how disappointed Bowman would have been in me for bawling like a big baby.

Eventually I fell asleep. It was dark when I woke up. I stumbled downstairs, remembering the Sportster had been left in the driveway. I walked into the garage and turned the lights on. D had rolled it in and put it back in its place. I stared at it, that nasty feeling filling me. “You are going to hurt me aren’t you?” I whispered to it. I couldn’t hear it at first, but as I stared at it all I could hear was a very subtle yes. I growled and walked back into the house.

I won’t let fear keep me from riding. I enjoy being on motorcycles, I enjoy the feeling. But I’m going to have to find some way to keep the fear out of me, how I’m not sure yet…

The New Life: Observations

I stood with my rifle on my shoulder admiring the spring sky. I thought about how a little under a year ago I’d stood here with Handsome, learning how to shoot clays. I remembered the afternoons we had spent shooting. The thought of the afternoon with Bowman and shooting with him crossed my mind. I looked over at More who was throwing for me. I sighed.

“It’s doomed.” I whispered.

His back was turned to me as he laid his rifle down on the tailgate of the pickup. I could have easily confused him with Bowman, if this had been a dream. He turned and met my eyes, “you okay?’

I nodded, “yeah.”

“Okay, you ready to shoot.”

With a sigh I nodded.

I settled my rifle into my shoulder and told him to pull. The bright orange clay flew across the sky, to the left. Clays to the left are the hardest for me to shoot. I settled on it and touched the trigger. The sound of the rifle filled the air, little chunks of orange clay floated to the ground. It was the first and best shot I had taken for the day. My mind focused on shooting, on breaking those orange clays, it was relaxing.

We’d finished shooting and were sitting on the tailgate of the truck. He wrapped his arm around me as I laid my head on his shoulder. I silently prayed for a better outcome then what had happened with my previous shooting buddies. “What are you thinking about?” he asked.

I sighed, “How every time I bring someone out to shoot with me the relationship doesn’t end well.”

He laughed, “You are very superstitious aren’t you.”

I shook me head, “it’s just a simple observation.” I straightened up and dug a beer out of the cooler, “just like Handsome and Bowman both drive white trucks.” I twisted the top off of the beer bottle, “I’ve not been on a date with anyone, since my divorce, whom didn’t drive a white vehicle.” I paused, “well except for you.”

He laughed.

“No I’m serious.” I took a drink. “But what is worse, back in January I was kind of seeing a guy who drove a white Dodge, rode a blue Harley, and shared names with Bowman.”

He sobered a little, “that’s creepy.”

“I didn’t seek him out, It just happened that way. As a matter of fact I didn’t know he drove a white Dodge until our first date and I had no clue he rode Harley’s until after our first five dates.”

“What happened?” He asked.

“I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t ride in his pickup. But the Harley was the worst, He took me out on it once, it made me cry for days. I also couldn’t stand shooting with him, and when I kissed him I wanted it to be Bowman.” I said in a voice close to a whisper.

“Why am I different?” He asked.

I sighed and stared out at the meadow in front of us, “I met you before I was in love with Bowman.” I turned my head and smiled at him, laying my hand on his knee. “We have a friendship that’s lasted over a year. You’ve been a really good friend and I want to build a relationship with you because of it, because every time I talk to you and see you I feel love.”

He smiled and kissed me on the forehead, “remember we are both leaving the past behind.”

I smiled, “I’m sorry. It’s just the last time I shot was with him.”

“I know Babe. I know.”

“Forgive me?” I asked.

He tilted his head and smiled, “maybe, but first you have to make it up to me.”

“How?” I asked with a smile.

He laughed, “Surprise me.”

The New Life: Deja Vu

I laid my head onto his chest and snuggled closer to him. He gently ran his hand over my bruised shoulder and sighed, “I think maybe you shouldn’t do such dumb things.”

I snorted, “I didn’t have an option, I wasn’t getting out of it. If you had been there with me maybe it wouldn’t have happened.” I sighed and closed my eyes, “D means the best, it was just a dumb idea.”

He sighed heavily, “Maybe you should leave the bike alone until you go to class.”

“That’s probably a good idea.” I said breathing his cologne in.

“But you aren’t going to do it are you.” He said in almost a whisper.

“Probably not.” I said in a kind of whisper.

He laughed, “You are so head strong.” He kissed my forehead, “But I suppose that’s what I love the most about you.”

I opened my eyes and smiled at him, “Did you just say what I think you did?”

He smiled back and winked, “maybe.”

It felt familiar. My blood ran hot through my veins, the only thing I could manage to think was “holy shit, I’ve been here before.”

The New Life: Have a Little Bit of Faith

When I sat down to write this post I was thinking about my D-Day on the 23^rd and the breakup anniversary on the 27^th. I wanted to write something about how both of them effected me, how they built me to become who I am today. But I couldn’t. Instead I found myself thinking about the only thing that has kept me going, Faith.

When I was 14 I went through something that I thought would tear me apart. It started with physical abuse and quickly escalated into more. I remember praying, for the first time in my life. I remember the peace I found in prayer. Afterwards I found myself in church, often.

It’s not that my family isn’t religious, but church was never high on the Sunday morning priority list. My relationship with God is one I can’t explain very well. I make it to church maybe once a month, if I’m lucky. But I pray every night; every time I swing into the saddle I feel closeness with God. If it hadn’t been for my Faith I probably would have lost my marbles a long time ago. I believe He will protect you in the light and in the dark, all it takes is Faith.

Through the past six months I’ve kept my cross on my neck. It was given to me by my Momma when we went to San Diego. It’s seen a lot of wear since then. I look forward to the day when I can give it to my daughter, to remind her that she’s always got somebody with her, no matter how lonely it gets.

"When you have done all you can do, raise your hands and give it to God"

Matthew 7:7 "Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you"

The New Life: What's in Store?

It’s amazing to me how quickly time goes; it’s even more amazing to me how things change from day to day. I finally reached my“happy place”! I’m finally not hungry for a relationship. If it happens then it does, but right now I’ve got my eyes set on other prizes.

A huge move may be in store for me. I have an interview with the Game and Parks, it’s a job I’ve dreamed of and I am super excited to even be considered for the position. It will require that I move, which I’m okay with, I’ll only be about three hours from home. I can still come home to shoot occasionally and see my friends and family.

If I end up moving I’ll have a place of my own where I can keep my horses. It will be less then a mile away from an indoor arena, where I will be able to ride all winter. During the summer I'll have my own outdoor arena to work my horses. This job will give me the ability to work my horses on a daily basis and still show on the weekends. I'm excited and I hope it all works out in the end.

Plus I have some friends in that town, it'll be great to have someone to ride and show with. It'll be awesome to go out and have girls night occasionally. But the best part of it is, there is yet to be heartache in this town, I won't be reminded of the past every time I have to go to the grocery store to get eggs. That's the best part for sure...

Happy St. Paddy's Day

Forget the green beer, let's drink the green whiskey!
Cheers!

The Sportster: Dumbasses + Motorcycle = Hurt

One of my greatest fears, above dying alone, is laying my bike down. I can picture all sorts of nasty scenarios, none of them end well. I even have nightmares about it. But my biggest mistake was admitting I had this fear to D. He’s now determined to get me over it, and it started today with out first “safety” lesson. I use the term safety very, very, loosely!

“We are going to lay it down real slow. It won’t be running and you won’t be moving. We are going to tip it over so you can learn how to get out from under it, how to tip it over; all that stuff.” He said as we stood in his driveway with a couple of our friends.

“D this doesn’t sound like a good idea.” I said as I tried to avoid it.

“Ah you are going to be just fine, we are all here.” Toby said.

“You are going to have to do it at some point.” Tennessee chimed in.

I shook my head, “no. Fuck no.”

After 30 minutes of arguing with D, Toby, and Tennessee I finally relented. Suddenly as the bike was laying on me I remembered what he had told me when he gave me the lessons, “I’m not a very good teacher.” I agreed with him.

Of course the dumbass, no I should say dumbasses, didn’t keep me from getting hurt. Once the bike got to a certain point the boys couldn’t keep gravity from it smacking me hard into the driveway. I have a developing bruise on my leg and shoulder, my hand has a couple of cuts from the concrete, and I don’t feel any better about tipping the damn bike over! As a matter of fact I think my fear is worse then it was before.

I did learn something from this all, don’t let dumbasses handle your motorcycle!

From the Saddle: My Dream Side Saddle Mount

I am lucky enough to own the horse of my dreams, which would be Sweet Cheeks. But I can’t help but dream about my perfect side saddle horse.

Of course it would be a gelding. It’s no secret that mares and I don’t normally get along, Luna is the only exception to that rule. He’d be a palomino, palomino paint, or a true black. Preferably a purebred Saddlebred, but a half would be just as fine, maybe even a Tennessee walker.

I love tall men, so it’s no surprise that I love tall horses too, anything around 16 hands would be perfect. I want a horse with a lot of “action”meaning he’s exaggerated in his movements; I want that breath taking Rack and the slow pace. But I want a calm personality, I want a horse that’s going to whinny to me every time he sees me, and calm under saddle. He has to have large kind eyes, and soft delicate ears.

I imagine the wonderful outfits I’d need to sew just to show him. I think about the fancy custom saddle I already have picked out in my mind. I hope that one day this dream becomes a reality, because I’m already so in love with side saddle and I haven’t even taken a lesson!

My first year of lessons were in a Saddlebred barn, I loved so very much when the trainer would let me rack them. I remember at one show, I tagged along to, the announcer hollered rack on and the crowd started whopping and making a fuss. It seemed to me that thoose horses fed off of that excitment. I'm hoping to rekindle that excitment with my very own saddlebred.


Below is a video of a saddlebred 5 gaited class, it shows the different gaits that five gaited saddlebreds are expected to do. Their action packed gaits and exaggerated movements are what make me want one so bad!

The New Life: The 3rd Time isn't a Charm

There wasn’t much I could do but sit down and cry. I barley made it to the blue chairs on the lawn before the tears had developed. I tucked my legs onto the seat of the chair and leaned into my knees to cry. My left one radiated with pain. It had finally begun to feel better, until shooting and riding this weekend.

I cried until my eyes hurt.

Eventually the tears stopped, I went inside and called my mother and told her, and then I poured myself a shot of whiskey. I drank it then thought about what Bowman had done when I had told him, what I had seen in his eyes. I picked the bottle of whiskey up off of the counter and walked outside, back to my chair.

I knew what Sonny would have told me, “Eventually you’ll be a mother. Eventually, when the time is right and you are on better ground.” Then she would have hugged me and took a swig of the whiskey.

The New Life: My knack

Friday night I had sat down next to More for a brief conversation. His ex wife had left and his daughter was busy with her circle of friends. Bowman was busy talking to someone else, I figured those five minutes I’d have with More would help reassure him I was still with him.

He didn’t ask me about Bowman, which surprised me. But I did notice how he watched every move Bowman made. He watched me, he made sure that nothing crossed the line. I wasn’t thankful for it, I found the jealousy annoying. After all I hadn’t watched him like a hawk when his ex had been at the range. I chose not to deal with it, until yesterday afternoon, when he brought it to the surface....

The wind whipped around us as we stood at the hitching post, we had just come back from riding on the South meadow. More had been especially quiet; I knew something was bothering him, I knew exactly what it was too. I pulled my saddle off the grey and walked over to the tack room. I settled it onto the saddle rack and attempted to settle my nerves, I could sense a fight in my joints.

More stepped into the doorway, his saddle in hand, I took it from him and sunk it into the saddle rack without meeting his eye contact. He let me step out of the tack room before he sprung it on me, “Who was that Friday night?”

“He’s an old friend of mine. He needed someone to talk to.” I said. I started to walk off towards the horses, attempting to avoid what I knew was coming next.

“He’s your ex boyfriend isn’t he.” He said after me. “The one you’ve been trying to recover from.”

I stopped about three feet from the horses; I looked up to the sky then turned around to face him, “More you don’t need to worry about him. What happened is the past, you and I are working on becoming “us” I wouldn’t ruin that.”

He stopped next to me, “I need to ask, did anything happen? I know you left with him.”

I shook my head, “no More. You know I’m not that kind of girl.”

He nodded, “I know. But I also saw the way he looked at you. It isn’t all gone.”

I sighed and crossed my arms over my chest, “More.”

“No Beck. Don’t try to cover it up, just be honest with me.” He said. I could sense the hurt.

“I can’t speak for him. I think what happened Friday scared him and he needed some support. He knows that I’m always there for him.” I said in almost a whisper.

More sighed, “Is it worth my time to even try and build something with you.”

That hurt me, it cut my heart. “If you don’t want to try then we don’t need to. But I want you to know that it’s a very real possibility I am in love with you.” I was fighting the tears now.

“Then don’t let the past mess up what the future holds.” More said sternly.

I sighed. There was so much I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to tell him he wasn’t God’s gift to women. If he didn’t want to be with me then he didn’t need to keep playing me. That he was picking a fight over something that wasn't even worth fighting over. I wanted to show him my heart and how bad it was hurting from what he was doing. I wanted to slap him and yell at him that I was in love with him. But then I remembered what Sonny had told me in Deadwood. What she had told me the day before in the clearing. I attempted to change the subject, “why didn’t you shoot with me on Friday? You basically ignored me. After all I was the one who sat down next to you and opened a converstaion, wasn't I?”

It caught him off guard, “I, well I just don’t want it obvious to my daughter just yet. She doesn’t need to know what’s going on. Not until we figure out what we are trying to do anyway.”

“I think you are the one who needs to get over your past before we decide what we are doing.” I said as I turned, untied my horses and walked them towards the Treeline gate. He stood there, he didn’t yell after me, he didn’t come to catch me; he just let me walk away. I figured it meant he agreed.

I got to the gate, walked the geldings through it, and slipped off their halters. The grey stood next to me and let me bury my face in his mane. I cried, for how long I’m not sure, but when I got back to the round pen More had left. I flung the halters in the tack room, slammed the door shut and walked back to the house. “I sure have a knack for fucking things up.” I whispered to the wind.

The New Life: Growing Happiness

“A foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; a wise man grows it underneath his feet.”

I laid down in the grass in the clearing. Starring up through the tree branches at the blue sky above I tried to process everything that had happened this weekend. I thought about Friday, and the pit of dread that had hit me. I thought about what I saw in Bowman’s eyes that night. I thought about Saturday and how it had felt like old times, when we could shoot together and enjoy shooting, and enjoy each other’s company. I snapped myself out of it. “Easy girl,” I whispered, “Things aren’t golden just yet.”

My dream in Deadwood haunted me. Sonny had been right about us being civil, did it mean she was right he and I would never be "us" again. I sighed again, but I couldn’t bring myself to hurt over it, not after what had happened, not after what I had seen in his eyes. Especially not after what he’d said to me, I couldn’t allow myself to hurt.

I cocked my head to the side; I could see a pair of does working their way around the meadow. They moved in the same pattern they had the day Bowman and I had sat out and watched them. I thought about how some things never change. I had long come to terms that this place would always remind me of him, of that afternoon, of happier times. Maybe that’s why I am still drawn to it; I am subconsciously trying to draw on the happy memories.

Over the past few weeks I’ve begun to develop a happiness that I haven’t been able to explain. It is a happiness that has bundled confidence along with it. I’ve begun to realize that happiness doesn’t come from being in a relationship. The pure, unbreakable happiness comes from several other things; riding my horses in the afternoon sun, shooting my bow, attempting to not kill myself on my bike while shifting. Every little thing throughout the day brings a chance to nurture the happiness growing beneath my feet.

Being able to talk with Bowman has helped grow that seed of happiness. This weekend my heart fully healed. Of course it has a scar, it always will, but I no longer hold resentment.

I closed my eyes and thought of Sonny. It was the quickest way to draw her to me. The minutes passed by before she finally answered me.

“Ah I’m not so crazy after all!” She said as she came to sit beside me. The wind settled, quieting the trees around us.

“I need to know something Sonny.” I stated.

She smiled at me, and cut me off before I could spit the question out, “what I see isn’t written in stone. Nothing is until it happens. I think you just need to be patient and really figure out what you want.”

I nodded as I listened to her.

“A relationship isn’t going to come straight away. Love develops in the oddest places.” She turned to look out at the meadow, “What you want is at your finger tips, but you should be mindful and not reach for it until it’s offered. Don’t be pushy; no body likes a pushy person.”

“Yes ma’am,” I whispered.

She turned and smiled to me, “I’m so happy for you.”

I cocked my head to the side, “why?”

She continued to smile, “your fairy tale is going to happen. Remember a few months ago when you were in a million pieces?”

I shook my head yes.

“You wouldn’t believe me that you’d heal, that eventually you’d get back to being one piece. Look at you now.” She said.

I smiled, “you are right Sonny.”

“Okay then. Give it some time, that fairy tale ending is coming.” Sonny smiled, “once your soul is ready.”

I laughed, “Okay Sonny."

We sat in silence for a while, I finally looked over to her, “Did you meddle?”

She smiled over at me.

“Sonny,” I groaned.

She shook her head, “I didn’t meddle. What he did was on his own accord.”

A Bowhunter's Legacy: AAC Results

This weekend my club hosted its March 3d shoot. I had originally planned to shoot with the Big D. I knew Ty was going to be shooting with his girls and wife; I knew Big Rick wasn’t going make it, so I had asked D to come shoot with me, just because. Well apparently D forgot, when I called Friday afternoon he admitted to forgetting, he’d signed up for over time at work and couldn’t make it. “Just fucking great!” was all I could say.

Friday I had the feeling something bad was going to happen. I imagined my bow was going to explode in my hands; maybe More’s crazy ex wife would get a hold of me, or something worse. It turned out to be something worse; Bowman had been in an accident.

It’s no secret I still care for him, it’s something that will never go away, I’ll always care. Even though I was slightly distracted I still pulled a 224 out of my ass. How I’m not sure, I wasn’t even focused on shooting. I hardly remember the second half of the shoot, I was to busy worrying.

Things worked out though, and on Saturday morning Bowman was my shooting buddy. It was a small overall group, very relaxed, leaving Bowman and I in a group by ourselves. We shot quickly and efficiently. He shot as well as ever. Me on the other hand, my shots were low or left or right. I can’t explain it; it’s in my arm somewhere.

In the end I shot a 260, the highest score I’ve ever shot in a 3d. I’m please with it, even though it’s a little ways off from 300. Next weekend is the Scottsbluff shoot. D promised me he’d be here for it no matter what. I’d bet you my best horse he forgets again…

The New Life: Collecting myself

I had wanted to call D. To tell him what had happened, but I knew if I did that he’d hang up the phone, never answer it for me again, and make my bike disappear. I knew better then to call D. There was my Momma, I could always call her. But I figured she wouldn’t understand. Maybe she would, but there wasn’t any sense in waking her up over this. There was my former best friend, but she always managed to stab me in the back, I decide against her. I landed on one of the girl’s from the archery club phone number. She’d be okay to talk to, she’d understand everything. I paused as I dialed it, I need to think about what had just happened, to really try and understand it in my head.

This morning when I woke I knew something awful was going to happen, something bad. I got dressed and stumbled out the door for my run. About the time I had gotten to the clearing that horrible feeling was even heavier. I said a prayer as I ran, one I rely on heavily, “Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespassed against us. And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from Evil, for thine is thy kingdom, thy spirit, and thy glory. Amen”

I went about my daily routine, concentrating on other things, wondering what horrible thing was going to happen today. Then I felt it, a pain that doubled me over. I clutched the kitchen counter as the pain subsided. It didn’t faze me, I have pain on a daily basis thanks to my trick knee, but the pain was a pain I would later learned I shared with someone else.

Bowman, he laid his bike down this afternoon. And while it may not have hurt him to bad physically it him hurt him emotionally, maybe more then he sees. His story is his own; I don’t need to share it. But my heart hurts for him tonight. That soft place is radiating with pain, as it did from the moment I first saw him tonight and realized something was horribly wrong.

I hear that drunken words are sober thoughts. If nothing else was answered tonight I can at least say I got that one last hug. It hurt to know it’d probably not work out as I had hoped. He was not running to me because he needed or wanted me specifically. He’d wanted someone to talk to, and in his state anyone would do, he knew I had promised that piece of my heart to him a long time ago. I don’t know what’s going to happen, and I don’t want to build up hope and risk breaking my own heart this time. All I want is to talk to Sonny… and to break 300 tomorrow!

One thing that’s been with me all night is what Bean’s had told me, “Under the Protection of the Archer what you seek will find you.” I can’t surpass it, it’s stuck on repeat.

Oh and that 14 month rule, it’s out the window.

From the Saddle: Riding Sidesaddle

I will remember, forever, the first time I saw someone ride aside, sidesaddle. She was a beautiful blonde, on an even more beautiful saddlebred. I remember instantly wanting to learn how to ride side saddle. At the time I was deep in the jumper circuit. I traveled every weekend to shows; I even had dreams of competing in the Olympics.

I was 15 then, seven years have passed since then, and now I am finding myself wanting to finally learn how to ride aside. My interest in the jumper ring has begun to wane, I find myself bored in the show ring. I don’t get the rush I used to from hurtling over six foot high jumps, the rush may have been replaced by fear. Sure I could go back to riding hunters or even western pleasure, but I know why I choose to leave those show circuits and I have no intention of going back.

So in a couple of weeks, once the craziness around here settles down, I will be taking my first sidesaddle lesson. I’m really excited and I hope that this becomes a life long passion of mine! I can already hear Sweet Cheeks complaining about having to learn a new discipline. He’ll get over it!

Deadwood Haunting- Part 3

I sucked a breath in hard, with it I realized I was sweating. I pulled the covers off and stumbled into the bathroom. The lights flickered on as I found the switch. I stared at myself in the mirror. I had been crying, my eyes were red, the green standing out brightly.

The water was cool as I washed it over my face. It was quiet in the hotel; the town seemed quiet outside my window. I sighed as I lay back in bed. I was tempted to dial More. To tell him I loved him, I had all along. I wanted to tell him about what I had just seen, where I had just been. But I resisted, something kept me from grabbing my phone.

Instead I turned the T.V. on. I sighed as I pulled the covers around me and thumbed through the channels. I found a rerun of my favorite cartoon, eventually I fell to sleep.

D had the spare key to my room, a decision I dreaded when he came pounding on the door at five in the morning. We’d agreed to go workout together in the gym. He swung the door open when I ignored him. The T.V. was still muted; I was snuggled under the covers. “Get up!” He said as he shook my shoulder.

“Oh God don’t do that.” I moaned as the pain raced through my arm.

“How did you hurt that?” He asked as I sat up.

I sighed, “More.”

He nodded, “oh.”

“Yeah. Did you at least bring me coffee?” I asked as I brushed my hair out of my face.

“This town doesn’t have a Starbucks.” He said as he sat in the chair across from the bed.

I glared at him, “I’m sure someone around here makes coffee.”

“Maybe, but I thought we were going to workout before we went to shoot.” He said with a hopeful smile.

I sighed and leaned my head against the headboard, “Promise if I tell you something you won’t think I’m crazy?”

He laughed, “of course.”

My eyes met his, “Sonny came to me last night. She showed me what could happen in my future, if I choose correctly.”

“Oh.” He said in a weak voice.

“I’m scared I won’t choose correctly.” I mumbled.

“Hum.” He said leaning his arms onto his legs. “Life is too short to live in fear. I don’t think she was trying to make you fearful. What did she say?”

“She said that the one who teaches me how to clean my deer next season is the one that loves me.” I said still staring at him.

“What does that mean?” He asked.

I shrugged, “she wouldn’t say, she said he’d be the one who goes to Alaska with me. When I asked why hunting had to do with anything she said love develops in the oddest places.”

His eyes darted to mine, “a couple of weeks ago she said the same thing to me.” He was whispering now, “Love develops in the oddest places.”

"She showed me how it hurt Handsome when I moved on quickly." I whispered.

He looked at me, "kind of like how it hurts now that Bowman has moved on."

I nodded unable to speak, staring straight down at my hands, tears welling behind my eyes.

D stood up and walked over to me, and then he sat down next to me, "everything is going to be okay." He brushed my hair out of my face and dried the tears that had formed, "I promise you." He wrapped me in his arms.

"I love you D." I whispered.

"I love you to Baby Girl. Through everything I will always love you." He whispered into my ear, "Because nobody knows you like I do. Nobodies been through it all with you. You are always going to be my girl no matter what."

I pulled away from him, "thanks for loving me. I know it's hard."

He smiled, "I'm the closest thing to a father you have, and you are the closest thing to a daughter I have, it's not hard."

Deadwood Haunting- Part 2

I was just about asleep, or maybe I was completely asleep, when Sonny appeared at the corner of the bed. She was in her usual slacks and pull over sweater. Her hair was neatly pulled into a bun; her glasses perched on her square nose. “Hey Babes.”

“Hey Sonny.” I whispered.

“How come you are hurting?” She asked. “I thought we had this fixed.”

Tears welled in my eyes, “we did. But for some reason its hurting right now.”

“Hum.” She said then sat down on the bed, “What’s going to fix this?”

I shrugged under the covers, “nothing but time I guess.”

She smiled, “let me show you something.”

“This isn’t going to be like ghosts from Christmas past is it?” I asked, already sensing the answer.

She flashed me her “car sales man” smile, “That’s exactly what this is.”

“Fine.” I groaned sitting up in bed.

“Good.”

We didn’t leave the bed, the walls disappeared around us and suddenly we were on the second date with Handsome, me lying in his arms, whispering I wanted to be his girl. The relationship passed before my eyes. “It hurt him a lot when you left.” Sonny mumbled, “He’d never admit it to you or himself, but it hurt him somewhere inside. What hurt the most was how quickly you moved on.” She proceeded to show me the night out with Bowman and then the rest of that relationship.

I sat numb in bed as we progressed through everything. “I’ll save you the pain of the breakup.” She whispered and with a flick of her wrist we were back in the room at Deadwood. “You’ve always believed in Karma.” She whispered.

“Oh Sonny. Am I doomed?” I mumbled fighting the tears.

Sonny shook her head, “I can show you my prediction of the future, if you want to see it.”

I nodded.

“This isn’t how it’s written yet. But this is how it could be written, depending on you.” The room disappeared again. This time she narrated the story. “You are going to go back to being happy. Back to not feeling the hurt of what happened.” She showed me shooting alongside Bowman, “the pain he caused you will fade away and soon you are going to forget it.” She paused as the image went on. We stood together shooting, talking, and being civil. “You aren’t going to ever love him again.” My heart panged in my chest as he faded.

“But you will love again. Its going to be the strongest love you’ve ever felt.” More appeared in front of me, smiling, my image moved into the picture, he embraced me and kissed me. “Your love is going to be pure, but you’ll doubt if he loves you.” The picture moved to us shooting together, riding the horses, and even dancing somewhere, some place I didn’t recognize. “One of two things will happen.” The picture divided, “More is going to fall in love with you, over the course of time, once everything he’s going through is over you both will be in love with each other. It’ll result in a union that will outlast time.” She motioned towards the other picture, “however if you don’t stop doubting it will divide you. After his divorce he’ll leave you. Even if he does you will find someone else, someone that will spend forever with you.”

I winced as I watched both pictures. “I’d rather the first option.” I whispered as my eyes met hers.

She smiled and flicked her wrist, it all faded. “Then listen to me.” She paused as she took my hand in hers, “You’ve got to stop it, stop the worrying and stressing, stop moping. You’ve got to enjoy the journey. Patience and Karma will pay you in ten folds if you can just relax. Do what you can to build the good karma. Keep the patience and don’t divide from it. Even if More isn’t the man I see in your life, there is going to be another. Next deer season the one who teaches you how to clean is the one who loves you. He is the man you are meant to spend the rest of your life with.”

I blinked, “what does deer hunting have to do with anything.”

She smiled, “he’s going to be in Alaska with you.”

I blinked again, “Sonny what does hunting have to do with love.”

She sat straight up, “Love develops in the oddest places.” She blinked at me.

I lost my voice; I stared at her, her blue eyes beaming with an un-earthly glow.

“Becks, you will find love. It may not be tomorrow, it may not be soon, but it will come. Just be patient.” She was gone with that.

To be Continued . . .

Deadwood Haunting- Part 1

I sunk down into the passenger seat of D’s truck. My arms ached, my head hurt, and my eyes wanted to close. But he kept me awake, “how you feeling?”

I sighed, “I’m hurting bad.”

He nodded, “Maybe you’ll get some sleep tonight and feel better in the morning.”

“Doubt it.” I said brushing my hair off my face.

He shrugged. Eric Church’s Springsteen played over the radio. I sighed and looked out the window, watching the bitter landscape pass by. I began to long for summer and the green grass with blue skies. I looked over to D, “I’m thinking about it.” I mumbled.

He looked over at me, “what?”

“You told me that I could move in with you, I’m thinking about it.” I said with a sigh.

“Oh.” He seemed to be thinking. “Where is this coming from, you were perfectly happy a few days ago.”

I shrugged, “I’m tired of this small town. I can’t seem to find what I’m looking for.”

“What about More?” He asked quietly.

I looked back out the window and leaned my head onto the glass, “if he wants me he’ll come find me when it’s right.”

D sighed, “God girl, you can’t run every time you don’t get what you want.”

I closed my eyes fighting the urge to cry, “rumor has it Bowman has a new girl.”

He sighed, I could feel the truck slow, “Why does that make you sad?”

I looked over at him as we pulled into the gas station, “it doesn’t, I wish them all the luck in the world.”

“But.” He mumbled as he pulled the truck up to the gas pump.

“But nothing.” I sighed, wondering why this had even come up.

He looked over at me as he put the truck in park, “I’m a man but I still understand girl speak. Something else is there.”

I sighed, knowing I wouldn’t get it past him, “But I hate it.”

He laughed, “I thought you’d never go back to him.”

“God damn it D!” I hollered, “it’s not about that, he shouldn’t move on if I haven’t!”

D shook his head, “Oh Baby Girl you have moved on. Think about it, how many dates have you been on since you two broke up.”

I closed my eyes, “less then ten.”

“Let him have it. Remember Karma?” D asked.

I sighed, “Yes.”

He smiled, “good, she’ll take care of you. Now stop fucking worrying about it! Besides if you go back to him I’ll never let you ride your motorcycle again, I’ll stop speaking to you outright. Got it?”

I sighed, “Got it.”

“Good, God damn it.” He said then stepped out of the truck as I leaned my head onto the truck window.

I closed my eyes and recited what Beans had told me, “under the protection of the Archer what you seek will find you.” As I finished the sentence I pictured the kiss with More. I sighed, “Patience.”

That kiss kept me going all weekend. It took the pain from my arms when I shot, It kept the cold wind out of my hair, it held me through the straight whiskies. The feeling lingered on my lips as I fell asleep that night, snuggled into the bed at my favorite hotel in Deadwood. “If I count this weekend as I date it makes it an even 12.” I whispered to myself.

I looked up at the ceiling fan. It was the same room Handsome and I had fallen asleep in. Tears welled as I thought about what I had done to him, how I had broke his heart. I remembered what D had said about Karma, “she’d take care of you.” The split with Bowman was my payback for hurting Handsome.

I rolled over and grabbed my phone from the night stand, I went to dial Sonny, and then remembered her number wouldn’t be in my phone. I sighed and laid the phone back on the stand. I pulled the heavy green blanket up around me and remembered how she’d come to me that weekend I spent there, in that bed.

To be continued...

A Bowhunter's Legacy: Welcome to March

This month I’ve got a crammed shooting schedule. On March 3^rd I travel with the Big D up to Hot Springs SD and shoot their 3d tournament. March 9^th and 10^th I am shooting my home shoot. March 17^th I’m dropping down to Scottsbluff to shoot their turkey shoot. Finally on the 24^th and 25^th I am traveling to Omaha to shoot in a memorial shoot. In the midst of it all I will have to find time to shoot my spring turkey.

It’s going to be one hectic month, I’m still teaching on Tuesday nights and shooting league on Thursdays. My new string isn’t completely broke in, but I’ve shot it everyday since it was changed. Last night I shot with Bowman, actually stood on the line next to him and shot, the urge to beat him with my bow wasn’t there any longer, must mean I’m finally healed. Maybe it’s just because Farmer was standing there with me to. But this blog isn’t about that.

This morning I noticed vibration in my string when I anchored, the perpetrator my peep tubing. R convinced me to get rid of the tubing, so far my peep hasn’t rotated, so I’ll stick with it until I have problems, knock on wood. I’m happy with how my bow is shooting at 20 and 30 yards, I made some adjustments to it this morning and it’s shooting center, hope I can keep it up through tomorrow.

Wish me luck, I’ll be back with results! Happy shooting!

The Irish Blessing

May the road rise to meet you,

The wind always be at your back.

May the sunshine warm upon your face,

The rains fall softly upon your fields.

May green be the grass you walk upon,

Blue be the skies above you.

May pure be the joys that surround you.

May true be the hearts that love you.

Until we meet again,

May God hold you in the palm of his hand.