Dear You. The Second Letter

Dear You,

I’m not sure what my intentions are with this letter. I’m not sure you follow the blog any more, although a small piece of me hopes you do, hopes you still think about me. It’s selfish and I know that, but considering you consume a lot of my thoughts I don’t find it horribly selfish. Anyway where am I going with this…

I wish that we could be friends, respectful, truthful, real friends. Not the kind of “friends” we are now, essentially two ships who pass in the night. We know the other is there but we don’t acknowledge each other. I wish we could talk, talk like we did before we dated when we were just friends, even though it wouldn’t be the same.

Earlier, when you left early, claiming to be tired… It bugged me. The conversation I was having with Abbs you had walked on in the middle of. I should have stopped talking, saved a little respect for you. But a small, awful, part of me wanted you to feel the pain I once felt.

It seems that no matter how strong I try to build myself up to be I can’t hold it. I can’t keep it from crumbling. I preach what will be, will be. Right now this new man, he’s what’s meant to be for this moment, who knows maybe he’s whats meant to be till the end. I will be honest though, the other night I wished it was you I was kissing. I wanted you to be the one I was shooting with. I wanted you to be the one who made me feel the rush. But the rush I felt from him, it was different, how I’m not sure yet.

But it wasn’t you. I’ll always have a soft spot for you, a piece of my heart that you will own forever, a soft place for you to fall. We both may move on to love other people, but you’ll always own that piece of me. You’ll always own the memory of being on the bike with your hand on my knee. You’ll own those late summer nights. Remember the first time you wrapped your arm around me, you’ll always own that to.

I’m dreading swinging my leg over his bike, I know you’ll own that piece of me too. A big part of me is begging to sell my bike and get away from guys who ride, because it’ll be so painful. But I know that for my sake I can’t do that. I however won’t date another man in the club, out of respect for you.

I won’t give up shooting though, I’ve promised myself that. It’s not a piece you will own, it’s a piece I’ll never let a man own. But the clearing and my first year deer hunting, you’ll own that. Remember where we first kissed, remember the song? You’ll own that bar and that song.

The final piece you will own is the end. I’m sorry, but I can’t find any mercy there. What you did, what you called me... You have to own that, and I can’t change it. But I will forgive it, if you ask me to.

I guess my point with this letter is I miss you, I always will. I wish we could be friends, the real kind. If I had it my way we’d be back in each other’s arms. But obviously it’s not meant to be.

Love you babe, forever and always. Don’t worry nothing will change that, cause your still my backwoods boy. Bet you don’t remember that….

Love,

Becki Ann

P.S. My beautiful pink and camo dress came, to bad I won’t ever be able to wear it, wish I hadn’t ordered it back when.

The New Life: What will be, Will be

The belief in happily ever after, love at first sight, or even fairy tales had started to fade. If you’ve read the back posts you can assume that for yourself. The love and passion I had felt for Bowman had been sucked out of me. I lingered in the happy moments as much as possible not wanting to face the reality that it was really over and was time to move on. I worried when he came to the range, worried I wouldn’t be able to keep the emotions in. Worried the he was the only chance for happiness, the only opportunity to love someone. Prospective boyfriends faded quickly, unwilling to show me they had courage, unable to bring back that rush, until last night.

Things may have changed last night. It’s hard to tell at this point, but I guess we will see what is written in the stars. We shall see if he is the one who brings back the hope for Happily Ever After. It isn’t love at first sight, its attraction, but it could be love eventually. Who knows maybe this is a fairy tale after all and I’ve finally made it out of the dark.

“In time all things will be known”

A Bowhunter's Legacy: Breaking 300

A perfect score on a spot league night is 500. My average for a spot round sits at about 222. Tonight I shot a ... wait for it ... 353! I Finally broke 300!!!

And to top it off this is my 300th post!

Heres to breaking 300! That's three shots of Jameson for me.

Saying Goodbye

Yesterday afternoon we made the decision to put to sleep our 13 year old red lab. He had a form of cancer that quickly spread, after two weeks of trying to keep weight on him we decided it wasn't fair any longer. Tobasco was a part of the family, we all already miss him.

Welcome. I hope you'll Hang on for the Ride

I’ve noticed in the sidebar I’ve got some new “stalkers” welcome everyone; I hope you enjoy this crazy ass ride with me. It dawned on me that most of you probably don’t know who the main characters are in my Life, my story. So I thought I’d give you an outline of who everyone is.

First there is me, I’m Becks. I’m the author of this blog, the one living this story. I’ve been through a lot in my short 22 years. I grew up with a single mother with little to no contact with my father. I’ve been married, and divorced. My two passions in life are shooting and riding horses. The ultimate goal is the Olympics, either in archery or with my horses.

Then there is my Momma. She isn’t in the blog much. I try to keep it that way. Our relationship is the most important to me and I keep our struggles to myself. She is my number one fan, and if it wasn’t for her pushing me to be the best, I’d probably not be where I am today.

The Big D is my stand in father. I've known him since I started shooting; he was my first instructor and the one who encouraged me to follow all of my dreams. D has helped me achieve most of my goals. He helped me purchase Arie, the pink Parker. He's put me through lessons with pros, and decked my bow out in some of the nicest gear on the market. He helped me purchase my Sportster and even bought me lessons to learn how to ride it. We reconnected after my divorce. He's been with me through every step of the way. He's held the umbrella in the lightning storms and flown the kite on windy days. D is a remarkable man and I will always love him like my father.

I often remark that Sonny was my second mom. She was always good for a lesson or a scolding, a lot of times both. She once told me she loved me like the daughter she never had. In 2010 she passed away from cancer. I miss her dearly and often dream and or believe she is really with me. I draw strength from her memory and would like to think it really is her I talk with when I call for her.

There are several characters that come and go in this blog. Several are ladies I rode with at the academy; some are former trainers of mine. Pecos Bill is a close family friend whom often takes me riding or hunting, he’s another stand in father. D.W. is a family friend who died when I was 16, he’s the one who instilled the love of horses in me. Beans is a woman that I am in the art society with, she claims to hold the power to read the stars and see the future, she says there is a Mr. Right out there, and that if I believe in the power of constellation The Archer what I seek will find me. Then there are the Ex Boyfriends, Handsome and Bowman, they linger in the past blogs. There are new and old friends alike, Waterfowler, Big Rick, Ty, Farmer, Stephens, M.C.

I can’t predict the future characters. But I do promise I am looking forward to sharing my story with them and then with you. I invite you to stay for this crazy ride. Who knows where it’ll end. After all I am still looking for that Happily Ever After, if it really does exist.

The New Life: This Time for Good

“You coming up for the Big Buck?” D asked.

I hesitated, “I don’t know yet.”

“Well I hope you’ll come.” He said quietly.

“Can I stay?” I asked fighting back the tears.

“Of course.” He replied.

“No I mean for good.” I said as the first tear rolled down my cheek.

“What happened?” He asked.

“I’m tired and I need out.”

He paused, “Oh babes.”

“I don’t want to talk about it. I just want out.” I whispered.

“Okay. You come and we will figure something out.” He replied.

“Thanks for being the best.” I mumbled.

We talked about my scores and talked about me shooting in the Classic. I was hesitant. The competition is so much stiffer. The ladies there have been shooting a lot longer; they’ve got most of it figured out. “But if you don’t try you’ll never know.” D had protested. So I guess it’s in my future to shoot one of these competitions, and maybe stay in Omaha for good.

As for what is making me run, well it’s the same things. It’s Bowman, the best friend, and the want of a happily ever after. I knew coming home was a mistake, but I let this town suck me back in. Because no matter how much I complain, no matter how mad it makes me, it is my hometown, and I won’t be able to escape it for long.

A Bowhunter's Legacy: Easy on the Arrows

I sunk down into the tall grass once again. It was cold and the weather was threatening moisture, which we desperately need, it didn’t bother me. I closed my eyes and relaxed. I thought about sitting across the counter from Sonny. I could see her smile and her beautiful blue eyes.

“I’m so very proud of you.” She said with a smile.

“He wasn’t there it doesn’t count.” I mumbled.

“Oh but it does, you focused on shooting, you worked the yardages but most of all you smiled the whole time and didn’t once get frustrated.” She said then took a drag of her cigarette.

“I had a blast. For the first time I actually enjoyed shooting the whole time.” I answered.

She smiled, “then that is all that matters.”

Friday night I shot a 220 and came in fourth place. For those of you who haven’t followed my struggles with my bow that doesn’t seem like much of an accomplishment. But believe me it is. A few short weeks ago I had given up all hope of ever figuring out how to control my shooting. I had been tempted to leave my bow in its case and walk away. A break up tore me apart, and his presence at the range made it all worse. This 220 is a result of me pulling my head out of my ass and reminding myself who I was before all of this. It took a little bit of faith to know that I was a talent shooter who could do what ever she wanted, if she could put her mind to it.

I enjoyed shooting with my buddies. I hadn’t seen most of them since the end of last years 3D season. It was remarked that I was a whole new shooter; I was more confident, but still as charming and beautiful.

Saturday morning the overall group of shooters was a little smaller. I shot 224 and third place in the women’s division. I did however break two arrows that day, results of two wall shots. In the whole weekend I had six wall shots. Out of 80 shots, I consider six to be improvement, since last year about half were wall shots. Saturday I shot exclusively with Big Rick and Ty. I can’t catch a break with either one of them, not only do they push me to become a better archer they push me to be a better person. They are genuine friends and I can’t wait till next month’s shoot!

I opened my eyes as I began to get cold, I looked up into the hazy sky. I found the archer constellation and thought about what Beans had told me. “What you seek will find you.” I realized that all I had ever looked for was happiness. I thought that required a man, time exclusively with someone. “Man I was wrong.” I whispered.

1000 faces

1000 Faces- Randy Montana

There’s brunettes, blonde girls, blue jeans, string of pearls
Take you on a trip around the world girls,
Love has a thousand faces, love has a thousand faces

There’s debutantes, drama queens, glued-to bride magazine
Half caff, two pump, no whip in the coffee bean
Love has a thousand faces, love has a thousand faces

But I see you, before I ever knew you, before I ever knew you
I dreamed of you, I dreamed of you…

There’s small town, itty-bitty tomboy in the big city
Turn your head when the light ain’t red, stop traffic kind of pretty
Love has a thousand faces, love has a thousand faces

But I see you, before I ever knew you, before I ever knew you
I dreamed of you, I dreamed of you, yeah…


You’re a stormy night, thunder crashing, mystery, full of passion
Quiet as a Sunday morning, change without any warning
Love has a thousand faces, love has a thousand faces

But I see you, and I see you
I see you

(There’s brunettes, blonde girls, blue jeans, string of pearls
Take you on a trip around the world girls)

Baby I see you

(debutantes, drama queens, glued-to bride magazine
Half caff, two pump, no whip in the coffee bean)

Yeah, I see you

(Small town, itty-bitty tomboy in the big city
Turn your head when the light ain’t red, stop traffic kind of pretty)

Before I ever knew you

(Stormy night, thunder crashing, mystery, full of passion)

Before I ever knew you

(Quiet as a Sunday morning, change without any warning)

Before I ever knew you

(Brunettes, blonde girls, blue jeans, string of pearls)

Before I ever knew you

(Take you on a trip around the world girls,
Debutantes, drama queens, glued-to bride magazine
Half caff, two pump, no whip in the coffee bean)

Oh, and I see you

(small town, itty-bitty tomboy in the big city
Turn your head when the light is red, stop traffic kind of pretty)

A Bowhunter's Legacy: Back to the Good

Tonight I focused. Tonight I drew myself back to the good shooting. 20 and 30 yards are dead on. My farthest shot tomorrow is 48 yards, I have my 40 yard pin set and my 50 eye balled, here is to hoping that I've finally go it figured out!
I even had a brief conversation with Bowman and conducted myself with Grace and didn't become distracted. I know somewhere Sonny is smiling... Wish me luck tomorrow I may need it!!!

A Bowhunter's Legacy: 2012 season opens!

Tomorrow is the first shoot of the season! We all know I've been struggling with shooting. I thought I had it all figured out in Omaha, then I came home and lost almost all my sense. I've set a goal for myself to break 300 and to stay focused on my shooting.
Big Rick and Ty are my two shooting partners for this tournament. They are positive shooters and help me adjust my yardage and shooting style. In the end all I really want out of this shoot is proof that I can keep my level head in competition.

From the Saddle: Rescuing Each Other

“I’m tired of talking about the past.” I said as I swung the saddle over the grey.

AJ looked over at me, “Wow what’s wrong?”

I sighed as I reached down for the girth, “I don’t want to talk about the breakup anymore. I’ve moved on and I’m sure he has. I just want to leave the past in the past. I owe it to myself.”

She nodded as she pet the already saddled sorrel.

“I’m sorry I don’t mean to be short about it.” I said as I tightened the girth. “But you understand don’t you?” I asked as I looked over my horse.

“Yes. I understand.” She half heartedly smiled.

“Are you sure you are ready to ride?” I asked, dancing around the subject that I thought it was too soon.

She nodded, “Geo’s gone, I can’t bring him back. But I don’t want riding to be spoiled just because I lost a horse.”

I sighed, “A, it’s okay for you to mourn. He was a good horse, you raised him. You don’t have to get back into the saddle just yet.”

She smiled, “If I don’t do it now, I won’t want to ever do it again.”

I nodded, knowing she had a point. “Okay, well I’m going to pony you on him because I don’t know what he’ll be like.” I said as I bridled my horse.

“We’ll be fine.”

“No he needs to be ponied.” I said as I mounted up.

“Beck.” She said sternly glaring at me.

“Fine.” I sighed. “But keep the lead rope on incase I have to rescue you.” I growled.

She reached her hand down his neck, “What were you worried about?” She asked as she stroked him.

I rolled my eyes, “please don’t say that we aren’t home yet.”

She smiled, “Beck, thank you.”

I smiled back at her, “you are welcome.”

She straightened in the saddle, “I always had a crush on this horse.”

I looked over at her, “what?”

“I had a crush on this horse from the day you two arrived at the show barn. I watched you lead him off the trailer and I was smitten. I used to sneak him treats and dawdle in his stall when you weren’t around.”

I laughed, “That’s why he always checked my pockets for treats, it was you!”

She smiled, “It was. I think Geo was jealous of him.” She sobered at the sound of her horse’s name.

“I’m sorry for your loss.” I whispered.

She snapped out of her day dream, “God was just ready for a great horse like Geo.” She said with a smile.

We rode in silence for awhile. The light powdered snow crunched quietly under the horses’ hooves. I sighed as I tried to stop thinking about the previous night, “I wish I didn’t have to see him around town.” I whispered. “I wish he didn’t shoot at the same range as me.”

AJ sighed, “No one said it would be easy. Besides you are going to be out of here by the end of the winter and on to better things.”

I smiled, “you think?”

“I plan to kidnap you after the International.” She said with a smile.

“I was actually thinking about moving to North Platte. The Game and Parks has a job I’ve applied for.” I said as the grey flipped his nose in the air.

“Ah, just make sure you aren’t moving for a man.” She said with a cocky smile.

I sighed, “I’m moving for myself.”

She smiled. “I suppose I’ll believe that for now.”

The New Life: Looming in the Moonlight

I settled into the tall grass down in the clearing. I hadn’t been there for weeks; I had all but forgotten this place. It hadn’t called me, it hadn’t drawn me, but after two weeks in Omaha I figured it wouldn’t. That was until the run in at the range. I pulled into the parking lot, made my way up to the range and saw the bow case before I saw him. I recognized it instantly and caught my breath in my chest. “Are you ready for this?” I had mumbled to myself. I hesitated wondering if I was.

The full moon was hidden behind the building clouds. I could feel something lurking in the trees; I hoped it wasn’t a mountain lion. “Why is this bothering me?” I asked out loud.

I heard her voice before I saw her moving through the faded moon light, “Because you gave him the power to do it.”

“Is this a haunting?” I asked to scared to move.

She sighed, “Stop being silly, you asked me to come.”

I nodded, “I guess I did.”

“Why did you give him the power to play with your heart?” She asked.

I shook my head, “I don’t know Sonny. In all honesty I was fine until he flipped an attitude.”

“Well he’s just showing you who he really is.” She said.

“In his defense I did use the attitude first.” I mumbled.

“Don’t fucking defend him!” She yelled.

I closed my eyes. “Sonny I’m over him. Honestly I am, my heart doesn’t hurt anymore and I am moving on.”

“Don’t worry about Bowman. Keep yourself collected while shooting. I watched you; can you explain any of those groups to me?” She asked, her voice rambling in my head.

“I was distracted. I don’t have an excuse.” I whispered out loud.

“You can’t do that at the shoot. You can’t be like that if you want to go pro.” She said quietly.

“I know. Big Rick and Ty will be there, I’m hoping they’ll keep me on track. Can you help me?” I asked.

I could almost hear her smile, “I’ll help you as much as I can. My first advice, don’t fucking worry about his shit.”

I laughed.

“So tell me about Waterfowler.” She said changing subjects.

I sunk into the seat of my car staring out onto the open meadow. I sighed thinking about her advice. I remembered the promise I had made myself at D’s dinner table, “I’ll be on top no matter what.” I thought about how I shot and the horrible feeling of being distracted. “It’s going to get better; he didn’t break my heart tonight, that’s a start.” I mumbled to myself. I grabbed my phone as I started my car.

Big D: “Hey baby Girl everything okay?”

I smiled. “If it’s not now it will be.”

The New Life: Echo

“Believe me the irony isn’t lost on me.” I said as I took a drink of my whiskey.

The fire pit glowed in front of us. Pecos Bill chuckled, “I’m just saying you broke your ex’s heart. It doesn’t surprise me Bowman did the same thing to you. After all we both believe in Karma.”

I smiled, “that we do.” I took another sip. It was straight whiskey, on the rocks. My day had been long and when Pecos had stopped by to chat I had invited him to stay for dinner.

Pecos has always been like my father. He helped me through some really hard times; times I doubt I would have made it through as clear if he hadn’t been there. He’d always picked me up when I was down and thrown me back into the saddle, sometimes literally. His ties to my family had only been strengthened after my divorce. He had once said, “don’t worry, I’ll always love you like my daughter.”

“I don’t blame Karma. I’ve done some shitty things in the past, I deserved everything I got.” I said as I stared into the flames.

“Well things are going to change right?” He asked.

I nodded, “I’m looking for good karma.” I whispered.

“That’s good to hear.”

We sat quietly for a while listening to the fire pit and the coyotes in the distance. I looked over to Pecos, “Thanks for everything.” I whispered.

He smiled and laid his hand on my arm, “you are very welcome girl. I hope this year brings you everything you want.”

I smiled, "this is a good start."

Memorable 2011

As I ring in the new year I am also thinking about last year. While there isn't a defined change from yesterday to today, 2012 does mean something to me. It means that I get another opportunity to make my life what I want it to be. I started this process in 2011, I intend to keep the changes and make some more in 2012. Instead of New Year Resolutions I decided to let things happen the way Fate wants them to be. Tonight I thought I'd share my best 2011 moments.

Best Moments of 2011

Harley Sportster
     I first fell in love with my Harley in Septemeber. The second I laid eyes on it I knew that somewhere in the future it would be mine. If it weren't for a broken heart and a good friend I'd still be dreaming about her. My sportster has become a new passion, when given the opportunity I stand in the garage and play with her. My first ride on her went well and now I'm hooked, there is no going back.

First Motorcycle Ride
     There is so much about Bowman and his Road King I will never forget, but that first ride is a moment in time that will forever stick with me. I was hesitant about riding. I have friends who ride; D, Stephens, MC, Farmer, they all told me I needed to ride. But I drug my feet and made excuses. Until one day Bowman showed up with a helmet and left the option out of it. It was a day that changed my life forever. If it hadn't been for that first ride, the love Bowman instilled in me, there would have been no reason to buy the new love of my life. It's one afternoon I will never forget.

Breaking BlueRocks with Handsome
    Though the relationship was short it's still a couple of months that I wish I could relive. Breaking bluerocks in the late spring afternoons is a moment I often return to when I am stressed. I think about how he helped me learn to follow the clays. I remember the Mike's Hards and the sound of his 20 gauge. But mostly I remember him healing my heart, teaching me it was okay to love again.

Deadwood with Handsome
    I never got a honeymoon in my marriage. While Handsome wasn't my husband it still felt like the honeymoon I never got. Wine tasting in the hills, playing the slots in the evening, dinner out, the late night concert, and laying my head on his chest when my ear infection got to me. Little did I know that in a couple of months things would change, but that moment in time was one of the happiest in my life so far.

Summer Nights
    I've always loved summer, that's no secret. There is something about watching the stars late at night that makes me feel whole again. I remember wishing for my lady bug. I remember Heritage Days. I remember the night I stayed up with Bowman. I remember the first kiss on that summer evening. I remember standing at the range talking till midnight. Those summer nights were full of blossoming love, they were full of change.

Divorce Finalized
     You'd think this was a sad moment. But for me my divorce signified the change, it began my new life. It put me on this road to Happily Ever After. This time I am a little bit more prepared. I didn't see it as an end, I saw it as a beginning.