A Bowhunter's Legacy: The 414

Saturday was off to a rough start at the R100. I missed the first target, dropped the arrow completely out of the animal, simply because I didn't want to trust my pins. For whatever reason I was convinced that they were just a little low. They weren't and after a 0 two 5s and an 8 I realized it was all my imagination.

The group decided to shoot the African Safari side the first day, and it's a good thing we did. It was hot but with the breeze it was bearable. However the course was a longer hike and it would not have been bearable if we had done it the second day.

The score after day one was a measly 337 out of 600.

Day two was an easier start. With two 10s and three 12s right out of the box I knew I was cooking. I was able to relax into the shoot and simply enjoy life. I loved being surrounded with my family and shooting with them. Through it all I realized it was where I needed to be. The decision about moving struck me as I shot my last target. I suddenly knew that not only would I improve shooting I knew my life as a whole would improve, that I'd be able to get back on track.

Day two ended with a 414 out of 600.

I didn't shoot dead last either day and I was only 45 points behind the leader of day 2. I'm happy with my progress and happy with the conclusions I've come to. I'll be leaving Hometown as soon as I can find myself a better job...

The Sportster: Getting Back in the Saddle

My “family” came into my life shortly after my divorce, two bothers Big Poppa and a second Momma. They’ve been there for me through the ups and downs. They come and ride with D and I, they were there at the hospital the second they heard about my accident. Plus they are my shooting buddies; they always manage to keep me on track!

Big Poppa has been encouraging me to ride again; he’s been a lot more assertive about it in the past couple of weeks. This weekend he finally caved my defense.

Big Poppa looked over his glasses at me, “you ass is getting on so just shut up.”

I sighed and stared at my helmet in my hands, “I’m scared.”

He smiled at me, “Don’t be. You’ll be riding with me.”

My brother smiled at me, “nobody better to ride with then Dad.”

I sighed and slipped my helmet on.

“Atta girl.” They said in unison.

I swung my leg over and smiled for the picture. I was uncomfortable and nervous. Poppa’s bike isn’t as comfortable as the touring bikes, but I found myself comfortable and at ease once we got on the highway.

Eventually my nervousness worked out of me and I was able to relax on the bike. It was then the fever caught me, the need and want to be back on the Sportster. When we stopped in Hastings for lunch dad asked about the bike, “how’s progress?”

“Slow.” I groaned as I stared at my coke, “Charming only has so much time to work on it, and I’m kinda thinking he’s being slow to keep in touch with me.”

“What does D say?” Big Poppa asked.

“He’s irritated.” I said softly, “But he won’t say anything because they are all friends.”
Poppa nodded and Brother stared at me, “I see your hunger again.” He said softly.

“Yes.” I said smiling up at Brother, “yes it has.”

Poppa reached across the table and laid his hand on mine, “Welcome back Baby Girl.”

Back from Vacation! Got lots of things to share but I'm way to tired right now!

Dear You... The Goodbye

It’s been coming for awhile now. I just had to know in my own heart that it was the right decision for me. I want to say goodbye, I guess I never really did after the breakup, and maybe that is what’s been so difficult for me to cope with.

I no longer want to harbor bitterness in my soul, just an understanding that you couldn’t offer me what I needed when I needed it, and it’s not your fault or mine, it’s just how it was supposed to be. I honestly wish that things could have been different, that the friendship we had built would have sustained us through our hard times. But apparently we hadn’t cemented our foundation soundly, because it collapsed the first time it was tested.

In hindsight I did lean on you to much, and I have no excuse only an apology for it. I’m sorry for anything I ever did that hurt you, no matter how minor the pain. I’m sorry that my own selfish attitude got in the way and that I only saw I needed support through what was happening, that I didn’t see you needed some support also.

There is nothing I can do to fix what happened between us. But please know that if I could fix everything, if I could rewind and start over I would, in hopes the outcome would be different.

I’m sorry for anything I did to you in a mean or selfish spirit. I’m sorry that we couldn’t just enjoy life together, that I couldn’t just go with the flow and let life happen. My controlling and selfish attitude simply got in the way, and for that I am sorry too.

Letting go and saying an end all goodbye was a hard decision for me. I recognize that it’s a high probability I’m walking away from the other half of my soul, that part is painful. Knowing that you won’t be there the first time I get back on my bike, knowing I won’t be able to ever ride with you, even knowing that if it hadn’t been for you I wouldn’t be riding at all; it’s all going to hurt. Giving up a love that once made me so happy, that pushed me through the hard times, which also made me step outside of my comfort zone; leaving it behind is painful. But it’s something I am going to have to do.

I don’t want to end the friendship. That’s a part I can’t live with. I appreciate you reading this blog and the small conversations we have, I appreciate every second and every little text. I would like to rebuild the friendship; to make it similar to what it was when it first started. However I understand if you don’t desire to and honestly I wouldn’t blame you. But I’ve changed more then you recognize and I’d appreciate a second chance at some point, even if it isn’t right this second.

I wish you all the luck in life. I pray that any pain you feel from now on be minor, that it doesn’t change who you are, and that you are able to forgive. I pray you find a love so pure that nothing can destroy it. But mostly I pray that somewhere at some point you find who you are really supposed to be, and that you allow yourself to become him.

Goodbye dear. Please don’t forget what I told you, that I am with you through anything and everything. If you ever need me you know where my home is and you know my number.

Love,

Becki Ann

The New Life: Time Away

This weekend is the R100 shoot in Grand Island. I'm excited to go, not only is it time away from Hometown and an archery shoot it's also time with my family. My big brothers will be there, D, Waterfowler, and a couple of other people I'm excited to see! I'm hoping I shoot like I have been in practice, but we will see how it goes.
No matter what happens it'll be a break from life here, and who knows maybe it'll be what I need to finally decide on moving!!!

Sometimes people can't love you the way you want them to, but that doesn't mean they don't love you the best way they know how...


Sometimes people are meant to love eachother but not meant to be together...

The New Life: Closure

D sighed as he sat down in the chair across from me. I knew he’d looked over my shoulder as he walked by, to curious to just ask who I was texting. “That better not be who I think it is.”

I looked up at him, “why?”

“Because I told you if you ever when back to him, to that situation, I was disowning you.” He said sternly, anger building in his voice.

I sighed and set my phone in my lap, “My closure is all that is happening here.”

He looked out of the corner of his eye, “honest?”

I nodded, “honest.” I picked up my phone, finished what I was texing then shut it off then laid it on the coffee table. D was still staring at me, I knew he wanted more of an explanation, I sighed, “I wouldn’t go back not now, no matter what was to happen. Friends yes, but as anything more no.”

“What’s changed this?” D asked, “Another man?”

I shook my head, “a dream.”

“What?” He asked.

“I have a dream for my future. It doesn’t include anything he can offer me. Besides he doesn’t want a relationship and I no longer want one either.” I said as I stared at Bella lying next to me on the couch.

“I’m not buying it.” D said settling back in his chair.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because for almost a year now you’ve run around, every other sentence about him, I guess I can give you credit though, I haven’t heard much since the accident.” He said as Bella rolled over.

“My focus is on changing myself, becoming the woman I want to be, becoming closer to God. Its on the shoot in Vegas, the Sportster, my horses, repairing my relationship with my best friend… I have no reason, no need, to find myself in a relationship with him or anyone for that matter.” I said quietly.

“What about More?” D asked.

I shook my head, “no relationship, not for a while anyway. We’ve both agreed he has some improvements he has to make, and I’m certainly no where near perfect. Our friendship is strictly that, if we find ourselves together later on then I guess that’s what will happen. But not right now..”

“How about the other guy?” D asked.

My heart froze in my chest, “the other guy?”

“Yeah Charming.” D said softly.

It was where he caught me, I stammered a little, “We’ll see.”

He laughed, “you didn’t cover that up very well.”

“I don’t want to rush into loving anyone at this point. I felt as if he was rushing me, we just need to settle into a good groove and let it be for awhile.” I said softly.

“Baby Girl you’ve grown up!” D said loudly, Bella jumped and growled at him.

“You’re an ass.” I said as I stroked the silver dog.

“We’ll it’s the truth.” He said quieter, glaring at his dog.

I smiled at him, “closure.”

The New Life: Almost there

My heart no longer stops in my chest when I hear a motorcycle roll by. I no longer turn my head when I pass one to see if it’s the blue king, or someone I recognize. I no longer feel upset when I swing my leg over the seat. I do, however refuse to ride anything but a Harley.

I no longer cringe when I see a white Dodge drive by. I no longer think about the first time I rode in that pickup or the conversations we had on its tailgate. But every time I see it I do think that I in fact need my own big Dodge.

My bow no longer reminds me of those late summer nights. It no longer reminds me how he had helped me get most of my issues sorted out, how he had ordered me to shoot a different release, or even the challenge. My bow does remind me of the fact I’m going to the Vegas Open in February. It makes me think of my desire to go to the Olympics. It pushes me hard in a direction I’m happy to go.

The feeling of laying my head on More’s shoulder doesn’t remind me of him. Sitting in the pickup listening to the radio, dancing in my seat, doesn’t remind me of the morning of the horse show. Sitting on the tailgate talking under the stars doesn’t remind me of anything he ever promised me. The look I get from More when we both realize where this is going, it doesn’t stop my heart and remind me of the only other man I felt this for.

But there is that .1% of the time when none of this matters. It’s the .1% of the time when it’s quiet. When I’m alone at home, or for a brief second when I’m playing pool at the bar, or for the thirty seconds the stop light is red, or the .1% of the time when I’m simply in a bad place.

99.9% of the time I’m healed……

99.9% of the time I’m the new me……..

99.9% of the time he’s simply the past…..

But there is that .1% of the time when I miss him more then words can express.

The New Life: Unknown Legend

More was about a quarter mile behind me. The wind was gentle and quiet; I was surprised at how still the sandhills were. I listened to the tractors rumbling across the valley. A thick haze hung in the air, the smell of burning pine trees stung my eyes. But somewhere in it all I could here More softly singing to the sorrel.

I listened closely, unsure of the song he was singing, “She grew up in a small town, never put her roots down, Daddy always kept movin', so she did too.”

My grey’s ears flickered as he listened to the cowboy behind us signing. I smiled as I suddenly recognized the song. “Somewhere on a desert highway, She rides a Harley-Davidson, Her long red hair, Flyin' in the wind, She's been runnin' half her life, The chrome and steel she rides, Collidin' with The very air she breathes, The air she breathes.”

I knew as he changed the lyrics he thought I couldn’t hear him. I smiled and let him keep going. As he got to the end I stopped the grey and let him catch up to me. “Everything okay?” he asked as his horse topped next to mine.

“You know it ain't easy, You got to hold on, She was an unknown legend, In her time, Now she's dressin' two kids, Lookin' for a magic kiss, She gets the far-away look, In her eyes.” I sang to him.

He blinked at me, “I’m guessing you heard all that.”

I smiled at him, “every lyric.”

He shifted uneasy in his saddle and looked off in the distance.

“I must say I really like the red hair version.” I said softly.

His eyes met mine as I kept smiling.

“Tell me, are you falling for me?” I asked.

He was still pretty serious, “it’s a real possibility.”

I nodded, “as long as we are on the same page.” I sunk my heels into the grey and loped off before he could change his mind. I looked over my shoulder at him still standing there; it was the look in his eyes that caught me off guard. The look I had been praying to see since the first time I met him…




oh and if you don't recgonize the song its Unkown Legend by Neil Young  circa 1992...