From the Saddle: Fear

Most of my riding career I've struggled with myself. Not my whole self just a little piece, it's the little piece that contains fear. I spent almost a whole year after a riding accident starring at my horse out in the pasture. I'd bring him in brush him then quickly turn him back out as soon as the thought of riding him crossed my mind. I didn't want to face my fear, I let it consume my every movement.
It wasn't until I started volunteering at a handicapped riding school I realized there was no reason to be fearful. The realization hit me like a flood. I remember the exact moment, its a moment that will stick with me forever. I will remember the relief as it flowed through my body.
The first time I mounted up after my accident my knuckles were white, I was shaking like an orange leaf in the fall, and I felt like I was going to vomit. But I swung my leg over and relaxed into the saddle. To my amazement everything I had feared didn't happen. I've never looked back since then. Every time I swing into the saddle I am reminded of my fear, because every time I mount up there is a surging pain through my knee. It's also that pain that reminds me there isn't a reason to be fearful.

This afternoon I watched my assistant struggle with her own fear. I encouraged her to work through it, knowing that if she walked away from the mare she might never mount up again. Once she had calmed herself down she was able to swing over. I smiled at her as she did it knowing that it was minor progress. She might not have beat the fear completely, but she has made progress.
It took over a year for me to conquer my own fear. I'm not expecting her fear to go away over night, but I'm also not accepting any excuses, she'll mount up and ride off into the sunset before I'll accept excuses, and considering she works nights that might be a long time!
I'll be with her every step of the way. I won't walk away until that fear is gone.
Becks

From the Saddle: Accident Prone

Through out my equestrian career I’ve seen a lot, I’ve been in a lot of bad situations. I’ve seen friends break their necks riding over jumps. I’ve felt a horse break its leg on a jump. I’ve watched horses fall into jumps. I’ve seen dreams end.

As I laid on the back board with a neck brace on in the ER I began to think about my entire career and all that has happened. I thought not only about what has happened to me but what has happened to my friends. I remembered being drug through the arena, I remembered breaking my knee on a jump standard, I remembered slamming into concrete, and I remembered the feeling of Moon breaking her leg. Pain pulsed through my body with the last memory, eventually the nurse put meds through my IV that relaxed my muscles, but it didn’t help, the pain was still in my mind.

I laid on the back board as they did the CAT scan on me. I closed my eyes and pictured Kell’s horse Kooper. He was a beautiful blood bay. His breeding was superior, he was noble, and he knew it. Suddenly I pictured the day he died. I flung my eyes open trying to avoid the memory. He broke his leg, his short life ended at eleven.

The nurses moved me from the CAT scan bed back onto the rolling bed. I closed me eyes and tried to not think about Cally and Mark. Both were killed in riding accident, Cally was 18 and Mark was 32, both lives full of potential. Mark left a pregnant wife behind. Cally was looking to join the US Equestrian Team.

I thought about all the acquaintances I knew just through showing who have been injured. I thought about all of the horses who have been lost. Simply silly I thought. Jumping is a dangerous career choice.

I could have decided to be a western pleasure trainer, a polo player, or even just a riding instructor. But I didn’t, because despite all I’ve seen and all I’ve been through, jumping is and will always be my passion.

No one will tell you that horses aren’t dangerous. Each discipline has it’s own dangers, jumping just seems to have a pretty high level of danger. Is jumping worth all the pain, blood, and tears? You bet. Because Kooper, Cally, and Mark all died doing what they loved.

My accident was sobering. I realized if I hadn’t been wearing my helmet I probably wouldn’t be writing this right now. I wouldn’t be thinking about my next ride. I wouldn’t be thankful that someone was watching out for me. Will it keep me from jumping? Probably not. Will I be cautious? You bet. I always am.

From this moment forward I will never mount up without a helmet. Neither will my assistant or our clients. I’m thankful I walked away with only a concussion, it could have been much worse, I might have not walked away at all.

God bless you and yours. Please be careful…

Becks

Dedicated to all those who have lost their lives doing what they loved...

The New Life: Dreaming

I lay in bed, wide awake starring up at the ceiling fan. I shifted a little closer to him so we were barely touching. I had been dreaming of all sorts of things when suddenly my dream turned into a nightmare, a gory nightmare. I closed my eyes as he laid his arm over me. I relaxed with his touch and eventually fell back to sleep.

I  fell into a dream with Sonny. We were sitting at the counter of the archery range. Her beautiful blue eyes beaming with life, her cigarette in hand, the TV quietly playing behind me.
“It would seem that you've finally come to terms with everything." She said as she flicked the ashes off her cigarette into the ash tray.
"Yes ma'am." I slicked my hair back and pulled it up into a pony tail
"Beautiful.” She said with a smile. “It also seems that you've found out how to make yourself happy."
"Yes ma'am. I've learned I'm the only one who can do that." I stated as I leaned on to the counter. “I’ve come to terms with everything that happened. I realized that I made some bad choices, I made mistakes. I should have listened to everyone who told me not to get married.” I sighed, “I’m in such a better place.” I smiled, “a much better place.”
She smiled "I see you've made some progress as a young woman."
I smiled, slyly, back "What does that mean?"
"It means you finally know what you want."
I paused, "Well I know what I want for sure.” I played with the lose fletching lying on the counter.
“Still in a rush?” She asked as she cocked her head and watched me.
I shook my head and smiled, “Nope, It’ll happen when it’s meant to.” I sat up and looked her in the eyes.
“So tell me, you going to fall in love again?” She asked as she clicked the TV off.
I paused. The sound of arrows smacking the wall in the range echoed throughout the dream. “Eventually, but there is no rush.”
She smiled, “Smart girl. You have learned. So tell me about the new boyfriend.”



Something threw me back to life, suddenly. I opened my eyes as he asked me a question “You feeling better?”
“Um huh.” I mumbled as I rolled over. He repositioned his arm and I quickly fell back into the dream.



She smiled at me, “Ah I see.”
I smiled back, “It’s a young relationship. We will see where it goes. Right now I’m just enjoying being with him, being his girl.”
She smiled, “Promise me you will take it slow.”
I raised my right hand, “a turtle’s pace.”
Her laughter rang through the dream; I laughed right a long with her. “Just don’t rush it.” She finally stated.
“No rush.” I promised.
She smiled at me one more time.

My alarm rang and I jolted up in bed. I turned it off and lay back down on the pillow. I curled up to him, we were on vacation, no where to be, no rush. I smiled as I thought about the dream and nestled my head next to him.
“Miss you Sonny.” I whispered then closed my eyes. I fell back to sleep quickly.


I’d like to think it really was her there with me. I hope she approves of the way I’ve changed over the past couple of months. I hope she realizes that often I think of her and miss her. She was, is, something more to me then just a friend, she is a confidant. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss her.

Losing her was a painful, but what is even more painful is not knowing if she really is here with me. Of course it doesn’t really matter; I know that if I need her she’s here because she will always be in my heart. But it would be nice to know the honest truth, if she does really approve of how I’ve changed my life.

The Ranch Girl Experience

The ranch girl experience may very well become a new series, but for today it’s stemming from a comment I made to my assistant trainer a few days ago, “we are learning how to become ranch girls.” She laughed but I was serious.

Over the past couple of months my ranch girl education has been taking crash courses. First I had a crash course in fence repair. Then a couple weeks later I had a crash course in tractor operation. Then finally I had a crash course in vehicle repair, twice…

“How do you get two vehicles stuck in the same spot?” He asked.

“Don’t ask.” I mumbled as I sunk into the Adirondack chair on the patio. He laughed as the phone crackled a little.

I rolled my eyes as I thought about what had happened. I was driving along the fence looking for where the horses had torn through it. The meadow is wet, that much I knew, just how wet was the question. I reached down to turn the radio down to listen to the ground below the truck when all the sudden I was stuck. It was something I had never felt before, no gradual slow down, no sucking, just a stuck. I sighed then leaned a little out the window to see how deep. “Half way up the wheel.” I mumbled. No need to try, it was stuck that much I knew for sure.

Earlier in the day I had questioned my assistant’s decision to wear shorts, she would quickly learn why. We got out of the truck and began the trek to the tractor. As soon as we stepped foot out of the truck we were drowning in a swarm of mosquitoes. By the time we had made it across the meadow she was covered in mosquito bites.

We found the tractor covered in spider eggs and hatchlings. I sighed and decided that since we couldn’t identify the kind of spiders we were best to leave them alone. Eventually we got back to the house and began trying to revive the old suburban. We tried to jump it but quickly realized there was more wrong with it then the battery. With a phone call and a little help from my assistant’s uncle we got it running.

I got it stuck too; on ground I thought was dry. All in all I was full of dumb decisions. But at least we got some ranch girl experience! Eventually I called in back up and we got both vehicles unstuck, just before the thunderstorm.

My assistant is in for a crash course in ranch girl. Whether she knows it or not I hope she’s up for the lessons!

Becks

The New Life: Wild Filly

The hot summer air whipped hard against my skin. The tall wild grass danced in the breeze. I watched as the mare reared. Her blue eyes shinning in the summer sunshine. She squealed and rolled her eyes, her white hooves striking the summer sun. She squealed again then sunk her front end down to the ground. She bucked hard, squealed again and then took off on a dead canter around the round pen.I watched her fight the bridle and bit. She swung her head and flipped her front end into the air. I was impressed with her furry. She bucked hard and squealed again. Then as quickly as she had exploded she settled.
The birds sung in the trees across the meadow. Her ears flickered as she watched me and listened to nature around her. She snorted then started to lick her lips and turned to face me. A brief smile floated across my face. I turned my back and listened to her quiet foot steps. She stopped two feet behind me and exhaled. I turned to face her, "I understand." I whispered.
As I stood petting her, I realized her situation was much like mine. I realized her furry was much like mine. I looked into her blue eyes and realized her heart was just like mine. Her anger was based on something similar to what I felt. But one thing was different, she had come to terms with her anger. I sighed and looked out across the meadow.
The breeze had settled a little and the other horses stood grazing in the meadow. Yellow dandelions danced amongst the strands of grass. Meadow larks sung in the warm air and the pines whispered quietly. I stood quietly as I began to piece together myself. The mare stood quietly behind me, licking her sweet copper bit.
Her owner hollered out of the barn. "Beck, you okay?"
"Yes ma'am. I was just thinking."
"Okay." She disappeared back into the aisle. The mare snorted once more then touched her nose to the small of my back. I closed my eyes and began to cry.

The mare quickly lost interest in me and found a small patch of grass to nibble. The reins swung down around her ears. I stood immobile sobbing. Not really sure of what I was crying for, not really sure why I was angry, but knowing I was angry about something and knowing I needed to cry.
So I cried and cried until no more tears came. Then I took a deep breath. The mare stood napping in the warm air. The breeze was all but gone and her tail swung quietly as she tried to brush the flies off her back. The sun was beginning to become pink in the western sky. I realized that I had been in the round pen for over three hours.
I quietly walked the mare back to the barn. I untacked her and slipped her back into her stall. C stood quietly in her office, "Beck." She whispered.
I nodded, "I was just finding myself. I realized through that mare what I've been doing. I realized that I'm trying to control my life too much. But mostly I realized that I don't have to be angry because I have nothing to be angry about."
C smiled.
I looked at her,"You did that on purpose. There is nothing wrong with that mare. she's probably already broke isn't she!"
C nodded, "yeah she's green broke. But she has a tendency to explode like she did today. She reminds me of you, I thought maybe you could learn as much from her as she could from you."
I sighed, "You bitch, always trying to teach me something."
She smiled again," better now?"
"Yes ma'am."