The New Life: My Breakup Song

“Went and got my hair cut,
Got a tattoo
Nothin' lady-like
Wasn't even thinkin' 'bout you
Cause I'm bulletproof” 

I’ve changed over the past couple of days. I used to hand by bow off when I needed something adjusted. But yesterday and this evening I did it myself, and got it spot on, it only took two tries. I used to be worried about what other people were thinking, how they felt about me. But today I stepped up and owned myself. I’m a bitch when I want to be and a lady when I’m at my best. That’s Me tough shit. If you don’t like it Adios.

“I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger”

Today I didn’t cry once, not even when I was asked how he was doing. I’ve decided that no matter what I’m done crying. He choose to leave. He thinks I’m lying. But he can’t or won’t tell me about what. It’s His choice, not mine, and I won’t let it rip my heart out of my chest. I won’t spend the time crying. No sir, not anymore.

“Can you stand to see her dancin' in somebody else's arms?
Do you think that you'll go crazy every time you see her car?
If you can't scroll by her number, not dial it on your phone
Well that's all you need to know
Don't leave her
If you can't let her go”

I’m going to do right by myself, heal my own heart. I’m going to take care of myself and never depend on someone else to do that for me. I’m going to be a bitch when I need to be, and a sweet country belle when I want to be. I’m going to be the woman I need and want to be, not the woman someone else thinks I should be.

“I'm in need of a remedy to cure me from loving you
It may sound a little extreme but I'll do what I have to do
 
Bury your jacket in my backyard
Carry your picture in my shoe
Keep walkin' til the hurtin' stops
Keep walkin' til my temperture drops
Keep walkin' til the fever is gone
And your out of my bones”

So here I am, at a cross roads. Take a left and heal my heart or take a right and scream at the top of my lungs, hoping he’ll change his mind…

“If I can get through this
I can get through that
If you cut me wide open
I can cut you some slack
If you come when I'm leaving
I might never be back
I know it's not easy
just a matter of fact

If I can get through this
I can get through anything
If I can make it through this
I can get through anything”

What a decision…

“… shotgun carryin', tobacco chewin', no good blue tick hound”

Hum… What to do…

“Mind strong, Body strong
Try to find equilibrium
Head straight, screwed on
Been screwed up for too long

I don’t want to lean on the waves
I watch the storm evaporate
I think of you in starry skies”

Let's clear this up while I decide though, I never lied to him. I loved, love, him with my whole heart, why would I have reason to lie? As a good friend put it, I'm an amazing person, I don't need to lie to draw attention to myself...

The New Life: I Promise

 It washed over me like the ocean washes over the white beaches in San Diego, sleep. I fell hard into it; I was immediately in a dream. It was still and quiet. The sun was just beginning to rise over the valley our house sits in.
I pulled my pink fleece closer to me as the cold bit at me. I heard the footsteps behind me, and then felt the hand on my shoulder. I turned my head to see Sonny standing next to me.

“Hey Baby Girl.” She said. “Give me a hug.” She wrapped me in her embrace and let me cry. “Listen. I promise you that everything is going to work out just fine. You’re going to be okay.”
I met her blue eyes. “Sonny, it hurts so bad.”
“Cancer it’s scary. Then to top of losing the man you love, well that’s just cruel, and I’m sorry it worked out that way. It shouldn’t have.” She brushed my bangs off of my forehead. “But I promise your going to be fine.”

We stood quietly for awhile as the sun rose, “Dawn was always my favorite time of day.” I mumbled.
“Yeah I know. That’s why we are here.”

The sun cracked over the hills. Through the clouds on the horizon the sun shone a brilliant purple and orange across the Sandhills range. I could see the silhouettes of the horses and hear the Sandhills Carnes welcoming the dawn.

“A new beginning.” She whispered.

I woke this morning and starred up at the leaky skylight. There was a dim light shinning in. I sighed and looked over at the clock, 10:30. I was late. I was supposed to meet D at the hotel at 8:30 so we could leave. I sighed again and pulled the blankets closer around me.

Around 11:00 there was a knock on the door. “Yeah.” I mumbled.

“Can I come in?” D asked.

“Yeah.” I mumbled again, motionless.

“Holy crap it’s freezing in here.” He mumbled as he closed the door behind him. “You going to get out of bed today?” He asked.

I could smell his cologne, it warmed me. “No.” I whispered as he sat down in the chair by the dresser.

“Why?” He asked. “Thought we were going to Deadwood.”

“I’m not ready to be on a bike yet.” I mumbled.

“Oh.” He said.

We sat quietly for awhile. Tears were gently rolling down my cheeks into my hair. My chest hurt.

“I do believe my heart has physically broke.” I mumbled.

He sighed. “We talked about this. Fuck him. If he doesn’t believe the truth he isn’t fucking worth it.” D said a little hostile.

“I know.” I sighed. It grew quiet for awhile. My mind wouldn’t slow as I tried to figure out what Bowman thought I was lying about. “It sucks.”

“That it does.” He whispered.

“I’m thinking about coming back to Omaha.” I mumbled.

He sighed, “Finally.”

“Yep.” I said sitting up in bed. I reached over and turned the light on. “I don’t think I can stay here.”

"I don’t want you to run, but, honestly Omaha has so many more opportunities.”

I nodded. “I’m thinking about going back to the show world.”

He smiled, “well in all honesty you should have never left it.”

I nodded, “I know.”

“So where you going to start?” He asked.

“I’m not sure. But I figured I’d cold call some barns, talk to some barn managers and see where it goes. If I have to clean stalls and work a couple of jobs for now, well then that’s what I’m going to do.” I said clearly.

He smiled, “I’ll help you as much as I can.”

“Thanks, but I want to do it on my own. I need to show myself that I can do what ever I want on my own.”

He smiled, “There is the woman you are supposed to be, right there in that statement.” He stood up and patted my leg. “You’re going to be just fine.”

I smiled at him. “Eventually.”

He walked over to the door. I stopped him, “Hey D.”

He turned and looked at me, “Yeah Babe.”

“Promise me I’ll be okay.”

He smiled, “Your going to be better then okay. I promise.”

The New Life: Some answers?

The Big D missed my doctor’s appointment. But I wasn’t terribly upset; he did come back with a bike. As he rolled it out of the trailer my heart leapt into my throat. I fought the tears back and tried to pretend everything was okay. “At least it’s not blue. It’s not blue. It’ll be okay.” I thought to myself.

He pulled the kick stand down and rested the bike on it. “Well.” He said proudly.

I hadn’t seen the bike since he had bought it, it had hardly been out of his garage, “It’s nice.” I mumbled worried if I talked more the tears would erupt. “But it’s a Road King.”

He sighed, “He’s not the only one who has a Road King. You gunna be like this every time you see one?” He asked.

My mind flashed to being with Bowman on his bike. I fought the memory and tried to answer D, but the tears had exploded. “Probably.” I sobbed.

“Oh Beck.” He crooned as he walked around the bike. “It’s going to be okay. You’ll be just fine no matter what he decides.” He whispered.

As he wrapped his arms around me I began to cry harder. The memories flooded me and I couldn’t fight them. “He thinks I’m playing him.” I mumbled through it.

“Are you?” He asked.

“No. We both know what the results were.” I whispered.

“Does he think your fooling around?” D asked.

“I dunno what he means by it. But D I’ve always been faithful to him.” I whispered.

We stood in silence for awhile. The scent of leather burned my eyes. “I can’t tell you what he’s thinking. But I will say this, you are an awesome woman, if he sees that and really does love you, he will trust you. He will make it right by you.”

I stepped back and dried the tears in my eyes. I starred at the red bike gleaming in the setting sun.

“Mom would have said, every bad situation has a positive, even dead clocks show the right time twice a day.”

I laughed, “Your right, she would have. My Mom said that sometimes good things have to fall apart for better things to build.”

He smiled.

I looked back to the bike and thought for a second, “I really do love him.”

“Well let’s leave it at this,” He reached out and touched my cheek, “You’re an amazing woman, whoever gets you, whether it is Bowman or someone else, they’ll be the luckiest man on Earth.” He winked at me.

I smiled, “Thanks.”

“Anytime Baby Girl. You are going to make it no matter what he decides. I promise.” He said clearly.

We stood in silence for a second. “You know what?” I asked.

“What?” He said shoving his hands in his pockets.

“The crappy thing about heartache is it doesn’t kill you, like a bullet to the heart would. It just festers. You’re forced to live through it day by day.”

“I know. But eventually it stops hurting.”

“I didn’t go through this with my divorce, not like this anyway, it wasn’t as painful.” I said as I put my hands in my pockets and played with my chap stick, a habit of mine.

He thought for a moment, “Is it possible that Bowman is your first real love?”

My eyes met his, “I love him like I’ve never loved anyone else. I love him more then my horse.”

My appointment went better then I had expected. I have a lot of confidence in Dr. Hartman. He’s an actual Oncologist. He answered my questions, showed me my mammograms and the difference between cysts and tumors. “I doubt its cancer.” He stated, “But to be safe we will biopsy it and send it to the lab your mom demanded and get clear, helpful answers.”

I’m relieved. Being left in the unknown dark has left me scared. It’s shaken me and shaken me hard. I couldn’t answer questions because I didn’t know the answer myself.

As for the Bowman situation. I love him with my every being. But if he can’t trust me, if he wont be there for the doctors appointments. Then how can I know he’ll be with me in the future. He’s a good guy, when we are good we are great. But I can’t force him to be with me. I can’t force him to believe me, I can provide him with all the evidence possible, however should I really have to?

D is here for the weekend. We will see how it goes getting on his bike. I’m not sure that my heart is ready for that. I’m not sure I’m ready to deal with the memories right now, they are still to fresh, they only make the pain worse. But I’ve wrapped my heart in gauze and lace, put it back in its velvet lined box, and now I’ll let it heal. And that’s that…

The New Life: Extended Family

The coldness came quickly last night. It settled in my joints and my bones. It hurt and hurt hard. Restlessness kept me awake. Tears made my hair cold. "This isn't working out." Seemed to be ingrained on the back of my eyelids. I shook violently as I cried. Nothing could stop it, not even the sleeping pills. But I made it until D came.

I could tell by the sound of his footsteps whom was behind me. His shadow extended across the ground next to me. He took his jacket off and laid it over my shoulders. His cologne filled my nose and warmed my cold body. He didn’t say anything he just stood there next to me.

The tears had quit, my contacts were sealed to my eyes, they were bloodshot, worse then after a night of straight whiskey. I closed my eyes and leaned my head onto my knees. My left one throbbed with pain, but I ignored it. “You wanna talk about it?” He asked.

I shook my head, “hurts.” I whispered.

He sat behind me and leaned his back to mine. I straightened and leaned against him. “I understand. I’m not going anywhere. Tell me when you can.”

We sat in silence for about thirty minutes as the afternoon grew colder. “Thought you were in Dallas.”

“Family is more important.” He said quietly.

I half heartedly smiled, “you think.”

“Yes. You are sick. You need someone to be here for you.”

“Thanks D.” I whispered. “Wish you could have met Bowman.” I fought the tears back as his name fell from my mouth.

“Well.” He said. “I dunno Beck. I just don’t understand.”

“I don’t either.” I whispered as I watched the geese land on the lake. The dry summer grass moved slowly in the fall breeze. Over to the right the golden cottonwood leaves floated to the ground. “I don’t either.” I repeated.

“Que sera, sera.” He whispered.

I laughed. “Yeah.”

“Besides your bulletproof. Right?”

I snorted, “If only.”

“Well at least that was a sort of laugh.” He said.

We sat quietly for awhile as I fought trying to think about Bowman. I watched the autumn hills and wished for the days when everything would be okay, the days when life would be easy, the days when the answers came.

“Let’s take a ride this weekend.” He said. “I can fly home tonight and bring a bike up tomorrow morning. We can go where ever you damn well please.”

I closed my eyes and thought about being on a bike. “I’m not ready for that.” I whispered.

He sat quietly for awhile. “The offer stands.” He mumbled.

I crossed my legs underneath me. “Thanks for coming.”

“I promised you that no matter what I would be there. When I said it I meant it. This breakup had horrible timing. But you are a tough ranch girl. You’ll get back in the saddle and find someone new.”

I sobbed, “I don’t want someone new.”

He sighed, “Beck maybe, and I mean maybe, he will change his mind. Maybe he will show you he really does love you.”

“Maybe.” I weakly whispered.

“In the meantime, take care of yourself. Work on healing that big heart of yours. Work on finding who your meant to be. Your never alone, no matter what.” He whispered.

I pulled his coat around me. “Okay D.”

“Mom would want you to stay strong.” He said. “I can’t lose both of you to cancer.” He whispered.

“I’m not going to die.” I whispered.

“No, no your not.” He said. “I won’t let that happen.”

“Thanks for being my big brother.” I whispered

“Anytime Baby Girl, any time.”

It grew quiet. The sound of the geese chattering filled the air. I listened to a train rummbling down at Antioch, left in amazment how sound traveled. I wondered if a heart breaking made a sound.

"I'll need some leathers." I whispered.

I could hear him smile, "Where we goin?"

"Somewhere where it doesn't hurt."

"Hum... we got some options." He stated.

The New Life: Side Effects of Fear

Fear has some odd side effects on me. It makes me snappy and impatient. It settles deep into my joints and aches. It makes me look ten years older and feel about 100 years old. Maybe that’s the side effects it has on everyone, but for me it seems to be magnified.

Last night I let the fear absolutely grab a hold of me. I let it make me snappy. I let it be taken out on Bowman… something I shouldn’t have done. He doesn’t deserve it.

I buried my head into the grays mane. He sighed and touched his nose to my knee, letting me know he was there. I sobbed hard as fear and loss of hope filled me. I heard the truck door close before I realized he had snuck up on me. Pecos Bill touched my shoulder, “I heard.” He whispered.

I turned and leaned into him. He embraced me and I cried hard. Pecos Bill has always been a father to me. He was the first one to take me pheasant hunting; He spent afternoons in the saddle with me. We’d talk on the phone while I was going through my divorce. “You’ll be okay sweetie.” He whispered.

“I’m scared.” I whispered.

“I understand that.” Sweet Cheeks touched the small of my back and played with my shirt. “You’ve got a lot of love around you. God won’t do you wrong.”

“It’s not just the cancer.” I took a step back and rubbed the grays neck. We stood in silence for awhile. “I really screwed up with Bowman.” I mumbled.

Pecos Bill shoved his hands in his pockets. “Oh Becks.”

I nodded. “Pecos, I can’t lose him too.” I sobbed.

“Give him some time. This is a scary time.”

“It’s not that. I did some shitty things.”

He nodded. “Tell me.”

“I posted this dumb shit on facebook and my blog. I let the fear overtake me and I completely lost control.”

He sighed. “Beck you can’t do that.”
I nodded, “I know. I won’t do it again.”

He half heartedly smiled then rested his hand my shoulder, “give it some time.”

"When the world says give up, Hope whispers try again"

You know the really sucky thing about cancer? It doesn't wash away. You can scrub and scrub but it doesn't wash away.
I'm praying that the lab gets double negatives this time...

The New Life: D's Sleeve

I rolled over onto my stomach and dug through Bowman’s hoodie for my phone. I found it twirled it in my fingers and starred at the number on the screen, The Big D. I sighed answered the phone and laid back onto the bed.

“Hey I thought you were coming up for the party last night.” I mumbled as I rubbed my eyes.

“I’m sorry I was really busy yesterday.” He said back the sound of Omaha behind him. I could tell he was on his deck, probably playing fetch with his dog.

“To busy to come see your sister.” I said and pulled the covers back over me.

“Baby Girl I’m sorry. I worked over time, helped a pal put in some tiles, and then spent the afternoon test riding bikes.” He said. I could hear his dog scurry across the deck.

“Playing with Bella?” I asked, “Wait did you just say you were test driving bikes?”

“Yes to both.”

“D you’ve got two bikes you don’t ride.” I mumbled with a sigh.

“I think this third bike will get a lot more time put on it.” He said, possibly hinting.

I paused, “You didn’t buy me a bike did you?”

“I dunno. But I did buy a new bike.” He said. I could hear Bella’s tags clink.

“D.”

“Beck.”

I sat in silence for awhile listening to the murmured voices upstairs. “D if you bought a bike for me I will beat the crap out of you.”

“Don’t worry about it.” He said. “So how was the party?”  

As I sat on the back of Bowman’s bike this afternoon I could help but smile. There is something about being there with him that makes my blood rush hard. When he lays his hand on my knee I know everything is okay, all the doubts and worries, the stresses, they melt away. I’d love to have my own bike, but I also love riding with Bowman.

We will see what the Big D has up his sleeve. If he bought me a bike I’ll have to think really hard about if I want to accept it.

The New Life: Her Visit

She sat in the chairs that lined the back of the range behind the shooters line. Her cigarette in hand, smoke swirling gently around her. Her laugh echoed through the range as the dream started. I stood my parker in hand, the pink arrows gleaming in the florescent lights of the range. “Alright let’s see what this bow does for you.” She said.

I smiled, knocked the arrow and drew back. I settled into the shot and began to pull. The string made a twang followed by a quick echo of the arrow hitting the target.

“A little to the left, but it would be a kill shot.” She stated then took a drag of her cigarette.

 I eased the bow onto the bow stand and stared at the arrow down range. “Think I’m ready?”

She nodded. “Yep, you’ll get your deer.” She paused then smiled at me, her favorite part was coming; the motherly lecture “So now that we’ve got that sorted out tell me, what’s going on with this restlessness?”

I shrugged then sat down next to her in a yellow chair. “I couldn’t tell you honestly.”

She took another drag then exhaled. “Any suspicions?”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“Alright spill it.” She said as smoke swirled in the air.

I sighed then leaned back into the chair and crossed my arms. My pink bow shone in the lights as I starred at it, “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you in your final moments.”

She smiled, “You were, much like I’m here with you now. Beck shit happens, you were going through so much yourself. Honey I knew you were there.”

I looked over at her, “Sonny I was your daughter, I should have been right there through it all.”

She laid her hand on my knee, “Don’t beat yourself up. I understood.”

“I love you more then words can express.” I whispered.

“I love you to honey. If you ever need anything from me I’ll be there.” She said as she snuffed her cigarette out. “Looks like your doing okay right now.” She said.

I nodded.

We sat quietly for awhile. Then she asked, “How did Bowman’s birthday go?”

I looked over at her, my eyes wide, “How did you know his name?”

She smiled and winked, “I know everything.”

I leaned forward onto my knees, “You’ve always been a meddler.”

She laughed tipping her head back, “and now I’ve got a lot more access.”

I starred at her blank eyed, “Sonny.”

“Oh don’t worry I’ll stay out of it.” She paused and lit another cigarette, “Just promise me you will take it day by day and second by second.”

I stood up and smiled down at her. “I promise.”

I walked over to the shooting line and down towards my gleaming arrow. ‘Day by day.” She said behind me.

“and second by second.” I answered as I pulled my arrow.

“I’m always with you.” I could hear her say.

I turned to walk back to her, but the range was empty, her cigarette rested in the ash tray a small spiral of smoke rose from it.

“Okay Sonny.” I whispered.

Gone But Never Forgotten

Today is the anniversary of Sonny's death. Bowman and I are going hunting, in an attempt to keep my mind preoccupied. But I wanted to share some of the best advice she gave me.

“A patient heart will take you far in life.”

“Live as if there is never a tomorrow.”

“Love with your whole heart, if it’s worth the fight then fight for it.”

“Never let a man decide if you are happy or not.”

“Don’t lose hope that one day you will get where you want to be.”

“Be who you want to be, not who everyone else thinks you should be.”

 But the best was, “Your going to poke your fucking eye out if you keep anchoring there!”

I love you Sonny, I hope you’re looking down and realize I’m trying to become the woman I want to be. I hope you realize how much you influenced my life. You will never be forgotten.

October: The Pink Month

October is the pink month; it’s the month for breast cancer awareness. When I was a junior in high school I had no idea how important October would become in my life. But today as I think about how important it is now, it all started my junior year of high school.

I lost a close friend to breast cancer that year. She was my first riding instructor, my first coach, the woman who encouraged me to reach for the Olympics. She was 32 when she passed away. Her life was still full of amazing opportunities. It was all wiped away when the doctors told her that her cancer had spread too far. I remember the last time I rode with her, the chilling fall day. She was weak and could hardly mount on her own, but she did it, two weeks late we buried her.

Last year I lost Sonny. She had two different types of cancer, but the one that killed her, that was to far gone, was the breast cancer. I reeled in shock when I heard the news. I was in the midst of a divorce, unhappy, right where she had told me I would end up. I called to tell her she was right, I called to apologize. But instead I learned of her death.

Sonny was the woman who taught me that you don’t have to be what people think you should be. She encouraged me to stand on my own. She taught me how to shoot a bow and how to make it in a man’s world. But I was too young and ignorant to listen to most of her advice then. I stored it in my head, and as I’ve gone through this divorce and the following months I’ve rested on her advice a lot.

I shoot pink because of these two amazing women. I shoot pink because pink supports a cause that is so close to my heart. This month I will wear a pink ribbon around my wrist, in honor of all the women who have fought breast cancer. This month I will wear pink because it gives me hope that one day we will find a cure, one day there will be no more heartache from breast cancer.