The New Life: Growing Happiness

“A foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; a wise man grows it underneath his feet.”

I laid down in the grass in the clearing. Starring up through the tree branches at the blue sky above I tried to process everything that had happened this weekend. I thought about Friday, and the pit of dread that had hit me. I thought about what I saw in Bowman’s eyes that night. I thought about Saturday and how it had felt like old times, when we could shoot together and enjoy shooting, and enjoy each other’s company. I snapped myself out of it. “Easy girl,” I whispered, “Things aren’t golden just yet.”

My dream in Deadwood haunted me. Sonny had been right about us being civil, did it mean she was right he and I would never be "us" again. I sighed again, but I couldn’t bring myself to hurt over it, not after what had happened, not after what I had seen in his eyes. Especially not after what he’d said to me, I couldn’t allow myself to hurt.

I cocked my head to the side; I could see a pair of does working their way around the meadow. They moved in the same pattern they had the day Bowman and I had sat out and watched them. I thought about how some things never change. I had long come to terms that this place would always remind me of him, of that afternoon, of happier times. Maybe that’s why I am still drawn to it; I am subconsciously trying to draw on the happy memories.

Over the past few weeks I’ve begun to develop a happiness that I haven’t been able to explain. It is a happiness that has bundled confidence along with it. I’ve begun to realize that happiness doesn’t come from being in a relationship. The pure, unbreakable happiness comes from several other things; riding my horses in the afternoon sun, shooting my bow, attempting to not kill myself on my bike while shifting. Every little thing throughout the day brings a chance to nurture the happiness growing beneath my feet.

Being able to talk with Bowman has helped grow that seed of happiness. This weekend my heart fully healed. Of course it has a scar, it always will, but I no longer hold resentment.

I closed my eyes and thought of Sonny. It was the quickest way to draw her to me. The minutes passed by before she finally answered me.

“Ah I’m not so crazy after all!” She said as she came to sit beside me. The wind settled, quieting the trees around us.

“I need to know something Sonny.” I stated.

She smiled at me, and cut me off before I could spit the question out, “what I see isn’t written in stone. Nothing is until it happens. I think you just need to be patient and really figure out what you want.”

I nodded as I listened to her.

“A relationship isn’t going to come straight away. Love develops in the oddest places.” She turned to look out at the meadow, “What you want is at your finger tips, but you should be mindful and not reach for it until it’s offered. Don’t be pushy; no body likes a pushy person.”

“Yes ma’am,” I whispered.

She turned and smiled to me, “I’m so happy for you.”

I cocked my head to the side, “why?”

She continued to smile, “your fairy tale is going to happen. Remember a few months ago when you were in a million pieces?”

I shook my head yes.

“You wouldn’t believe me that you’d heal, that eventually you’d get back to being one piece. Look at you now.” She said.

I smiled, “you are right Sonny.”

“Okay then. Give it some time, that fairy tale ending is coming.” Sonny smiled, “once your soul is ready.”

I laughed, “Okay Sonny."

We sat in silence for a while, I finally looked over to her, “Did you meddle?”

She smiled over at me.

“Sonny,” I groaned.

She shook her head, “I didn’t meddle. What he did was on his own accord.”