The New Life: My Breakup Song

“Went and got my hair cut,
Got a tattoo
Nothin' lady-like
Wasn't even thinkin' 'bout you
Cause I'm bulletproof” 

I’ve changed over the past couple of days. I used to hand by bow off when I needed something adjusted. But yesterday and this evening I did it myself, and got it spot on, it only took two tries. I used to be worried about what other people were thinking, how they felt about me. But today I stepped up and owned myself. I’m a bitch when I want to be and a lady when I’m at my best. That’s Me tough shit. If you don’t like it Adios.

“I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger”

Today I didn’t cry once, not even when I was asked how he was doing. I’ve decided that no matter what I’m done crying. He choose to leave. He thinks I’m lying. But he can’t or won’t tell me about what. It’s His choice, not mine, and I won’t let it rip my heart out of my chest. I won’t spend the time crying. No sir, not anymore.

“Can you stand to see her dancin' in somebody else's arms?
Do you think that you'll go crazy every time you see her car?
If you can't scroll by her number, not dial it on your phone
Well that's all you need to know
Don't leave her
If you can't let her go”

I’m going to do right by myself, heal my own heart. I’m going to take care of myself and never depend on someone else to do that for me. I’m going to be a bitch when I need to be, and a sweet country belle when I want to be. I’m going to be the woman I need and want to be, not the woman someone else thinks I should be.

“I'm in need of a remedy to cure me from loving you
It may sound a little extreme but I'll do what I have to do
 
Bury your jacket in my backyard
Carry your picture in my shoe
Keep walkin' til the hurtin' stops
Keep walkin' til my temperture drops
Keep walkin' til the fever is gone
And your out of my bones”

So here I am, at a cross roads. Take a left and heal my heart or take a right and scream at the top of my lungs, hoping he’ll change his mind…

“If I can get through this
I can get through that
If you cut me wide open
I can cut you some slack
If you come when I'm leaving
I might never be back
I know it's not easy
just a matter of fact

If I can get through this
I can get through anything
If I can make it through this
I can get through anything”

What a decision…

“… shotgun carryin', tobacco chewin', no good blue tick hound”

Hum… What to do…

“Mind strong, Body strong
Try to find equilibrium
Head straight, screwed on
Been screwed up for too long

I don’t want to lean on the waves
I watch the storm evaporate
I think of you in starry skies”

Let's clear this up while I decide though, I never lied to him. I loved, love, him with my whole heart, why would I have reason to lie? As a good friend put it, I'm an amazing person, I don't need to lie to draw attention to myself...

The New Life: I Promise

 It washed over me like the ocean washes over the white beaches in San Diego, sleep. I fell hard into it; I was immediately in a dream. It was still and quiet. The sun was just beginning to rise over the valley our house sits in.
I pulled my pink fleece closer to me as the cold bit at me. I heard the footsteps behind me, and then felt the hand on my shoulder. I turned my head to see Sonny standing next to me.

“Hey Baby Girl.” She said. “Give me a hug.” She wrapped me in her embrace and let me cry. “Listen. I promise you that everything is going to work out just fine. You’re going to be okay.”
I met her blue eyes. “Sonny, it hurts so bad.”
“Cancer it’s scary. Then to top of losing the man you love, well that’s just cruel, and I’m sorry it worked out that way. It shouldn’t have.” She brushed my bangs off of my forehead. “But I promise your going to be fine.”

We stood quietly for awhile as the sun rose, “Dawn was always my favorite time of day.” I mumbled.
“Yeah I know. That’s why we are here.”

The sun cracked over the hills. Through the clouds on the horizon the sun shone a brilliant purple and orange across the Sandhills range. I could see the silhouettes of the horses and hear the Sandhills Carnes welcoming the dawn.

“A new beginning.” She whispered.

I woke this morning and starred up at the leaky skylight. There was a dim light shinning in. I sighed and looked over at the clock, 10:30. I was late. I was supposed to meet D at the hotel at 8:30 so we could leave. I sighed again and pulled the blankets closer around me.

Around 11:00 there was a knock on the door. “Yeah.” I mumbled.

“Can I come in?” D asked.

“Yeah.” I mumbled again, motionless.

“Holy crap it’s freezing in here.” He mumbled as he closed the door behind him. “You going to get out of bed today?” He asked.

I could smell his cologne, it warmed me. “No.” I whispered as he sat down in the chair by the dresser.

“Why?” He asked. “Thought we were going to Deadwood.”

“I’m not ready to be on a bike yet.” I mumbled.

“Oh.” He said.

We sat quietly for awhile. Tears were gently rolling down my cheeks into my hair. My chest hurt.

“I do believe my heart has physically broke.” I mumbled.

He sighed. “We talked about this. Fuck him. If he doesn’t believe the truth he isn’t fucking worth it.” D said a little hostile.

“I know.” I sighed. It grew quiet for awhile. My mind wouldn’t slow as I tried to figure out what Bowman thought I was lying about. “It sucks.”

“That it does.” He whispered.

“I’m thinking about coming back to Omaha.” I mumbled.

He sighed, “Finally.”

“Yep.” I said sitting up in bed. I reached over and turned the light on. “I don’t think I can stay here.”

"I don’t want you to run, but, honestly Omaha has so many more opportunities.”

I nodded. “I’m thinking about going back to the show world.”

He smiled, “well in all honesty you should have never left it.”

I nodded, “I know.”

“So where you going to start?” He asked.

“I’m not sure. But I figured I’d cold call some barns, talk to some barn managers and see where it goes. If I have to clean stalls and work a couple of jobs for now, well then that’s what I’m going to do.” I said clearly.

He smiled, “I’ll help you as much as I can.”

“Thanks, but I want to do it on my own. I need to show myself that I can do what ever I want on my own.”

He smiled, “There is the woman you are supposed to be, right there in that statement.” He stood up and patted my leg. “You’re going to be just fine.”

I smiled at him. “Eventually.”

He walked over to the door. I stopped him, “Hey D.”

He turned and looked at me, “Yeah Babe.”

“Promise me I’ll be okay.”

He smiled, “Your going to be better then okay. I promise.”

The New Life: Some answers?

The Big D missed my doctor’s appointment. But I wasn’t terribly upset; he did come back with a bike. As he rolled it out of the trailer my heart leapt into my throat. I fought the tears back and tried to pretend everything was okay. “At least it’s not blue. It’s not blue. It’ll be okay.” I thought to myself.

He pulled the kick stand down and rested the bike on it. “Well.” He said proudly.

I hadn’t seen the bike since he had bought it, it had hardly been out of his garage, “It’s nice.” I mumbled worried if I talked more the tears would erupt. “But it’s a Road King.”

He sighed, “He’s not the only one who has a Road King. You gunna be like this every time you see one?” He asked.

My mind flashed to being with Bowman on his bike. I fought the memory and tried to answer D, but the tears had exploded. “Probably.” I sobbed.

“Oh Beck.” He crooned as he walked around the bike. “It’s going to be okay. You’ll be just fine no matter what he decides.” He whispered.

As he wrapped his arms around me I began to cry harder. The memories flooded me and I couldn’t fight them. “He thinks I’m playing him.” I mumbled through it.

“Are you?” He asked.

“No. We both know what the results were.” I whispered.

“Does he think your fooling around?” D asked.

“I dunno what he means by it. But D I’ve always been faithful to him.” I whispered.

We stood in silence for awhile. The scent of leather burned my eyes. “I can’t tell you what he’s thinking. But I will say this, you are an awesome woman, if he sees that and really does love you, he will trust you. He will make it right by you.”

I stepped back and dried the tears in my eyes. I starred at the red bike gleaming in the setting sun.

“Mom would have said, every bad situation has a positive, even dead clocks show the right time twice a day.”

I laughed, “Your right, she would have. My Mom said that sometimes good things have to fall apart for better things to build.”

He smiled.

I looked back to the bike and thought for a second, “I really do love him.”

“Well let’s leave it at this,” He reached out and touched my cheek, “You’re an amazing woman, whoever gets you, whether it is Bowman or someone else, they’ll be the luckiest man on Earth.” He winked at me.

I smiled, “Thanks.”

“Anytime Baby Girl. You are going to make it no matter what he decides. I promise.” He said clearly.

We stood in silence for a second. “You know what?” I asked.

“What?” He said shoving his hands in his pockets.

“The crappy thing about heartache is it doesn’t kill you, like a bullet to the heart would. It just festers. You’re forced to live through it day by day.”

“I know. But eventually it stops hurting.”

“I didn’t go through this with my divorce, not like this anyway, it wasn’t as painful.” I said as I put my hands in my pockets and played with my chap stick, a habit of mine.

He thought for a moment, “Is it possible that Bowman is your first real love?”

My eyes met his, “I love him like I’ve never loved anyone else. I love him more then my horse.”

My appointment went better then I had expected. I have a lot of confidence in Dr. Hartman. He’s an actual Oncologist. He answered my questions, showed me my mammograms and the difference between cysts and tumors. “I doubt its cancer.” He stated, “But to be safe we will biopsy it and send it to the lab your mom demanded and get clear, helpful answers.”

I’m relieved. Being left in the unknown dark has left me scared. It’s shaken me and shaken me hard. I couldn’t answer questions because I didn’t know the answer myself.

As for the Bowman situation. I love him with my every being. But if he can’t trust me, if he wont be there for the doctors appointments. Then how can I know he’ll be with me in the future. He’s a good guy, when we are good we are great. But I can’t force him to be with me. I can’t force him to believe me, I can provide him with all the evidence possible, however should I really have to?

D is here for the weekend. We will see how it goes getting on his bike. I’m not sure that my heart is ready for that. I’m not sure I’m ready to deal with the memories right now, they are still to fresh, they only make the pain worse. But I’ve wrapped my heart in gauze and lace, put it back in its velvet lined box, and now I’ll let it heal. And that’s that…

The New Life: Extended Family

The coldness came quickly last night. It settled in my joints and my bones. It hurt and hurt hard. Restlessness kept me awake. Tears made my hair cold. "This isn't working out." Seemed to be ingrained on the back of my eyelids. I shook violently as I cried. Nothing could stop it, not even the sleeping pills. But I made it until D came.

I could tell by the sound of his footsteps whom was behind me. His shadow extended across the ground next to me. He took his jacket off and laid it over my shoulders. His cologne filled my nose and warmed my cold body. He didn’t say anything he just stood there next to me.

The tears had quit, my contacts were sealed to my eyes, they were bloodshot, worse then after a night of straight whiskey. I closed my eyes and leaned my head onto my knees. My left one throbbed with pain, but I ignored it. “You wanna talk about it?” He asked.

I shook my head, “hurts.” I whispered.

He sat behind me and leaned his back to mine. I straightened and leaned against him. “I understand. I’m not going anywhere. Tell me when you can.”

We sat in silence for about thirty minutes as the afternoon grew colder. “Thought you were in Dallas.”

“Family is more important.” He said quietly.

I half heartedly smiled, “you think.”

“Yes. You are sick. You need someone to be here for you.”

“Thanks D.” I whispered. “Wish you could have met Bowman.” I fought the tears back as his name fell from my mouth.

“Well.” He said. “I dunno Beck. I just don’t understand.”

“I don’t either.” I whispered as I watched the geese land on the lake. The dry summer grass moved slowly in the fall breeze. Over to the right the golden cottonwood leaves floated to the ground. “I don’t either.” I repeated.

“Que sera, sera.” He whispered.

I laughed. “Yeah.”

“Besides your bulletproof. Right?”

I snorted, “If only.”

“Well at least that was a sort of laugh.” He said.

We sat quietly for awhile as I fought trying to think about Bowman. I watched the autumn hills and wished for the days when everything would be okay, the days when life would be easy, the days when the answers came.

“Let’s take a ride this weekend.” He said. “I can fly home tonight and bring a bike up tomorrow morning. We can go where ever you damn well please.”

I closed my eyes and thought about being on a bike. “I’m not ready for that.” I whispered.

He sat quietly for awhile. “The offer stands.” He mumbled.

I crossed my legs underneath me. “Thanks for coming.”

“I promised you that no matter what I would be there. When I said it I meant it. This breakup had horrible timing. But you are a tough ranch girl. You’ll get back in the saddle and find someone new.”

I sobbed, “I don’t want someone new.”

He sighed, “Beck maybe, and I mean maybe, he will change his mind. Maybe he will show you he really does love you.”

“Maybe.” I weakly whispered.

“In the meantime, take care of yourself. Work on healing that big heart of yours. Work on finding who your meant to be. Your never alone, no matter what.” He whispered.

I pulled his coat around me. “Okay D.”

“Mom would want you to stay strong.” He said. “I can’t lose both of you to cancer.” He whispered.

“I’m not going to die.” I whispered.

“No, no your not.” He said. “I won’t let that happen.”

“Thanks for being my big brother.” I whispered

“Anytime Baby Girl, any time.”

It grew quiet. The sound of the geese chattering filled the air. I listened to a train rummbling down at Antioch, left in amazment how sound traveled. I wondered if a heart breaking made a sound.

"I'll need some leathers." I whispered.

I could hear him smile, "Where we goin?"

"Somewhere where it doesn't hurt."

"Hum... we got some options." He stated.

The New Life: Side Effects of Fear

Fear has some odd side effects on me. It makes me snappy and impatient. It settles deep into my joints and aches. It makes me look ten years older and feel about 100 years old. Maybe that’s the side effects it has on everyone, but for me it seems to be magnified.

Last night I let the fear absolutely grab a hold of me. I let it make me snappy. I let it be taken out on Bowman… something I shouldn’t have done. He doesn’t deserve it.

I buried my head into the grays mane. He sighed and touched his nose to my knee, letting me know he was there. I sobbed hard as fear and loss of hope filled me. I heard the truck door close before I realized he had snuck up on me. Pecos Bill touched my shoulder, “I heard.” He whispered.

I turned and leaned into him. He embraced me and I cried hard. Pecos Bill has always been a father to me. He was the first one to take me pheasant hunting; He spent afternoons in the saddle with me. We’d talk on the phone while I was going through my divorce. “You’ll be okay sweetie.” He whispered.

“I’m scared.” I whispered.

“I understand that.” Sweet Cheeks touched the small of my back and played with my shirt. “You’ve got a lot of love around you. God won’t do you wrong.”

“It’s not just the cancer.” I took a step back and rubbed the grays neck. We stood in silence for awhile. “I really screwed up with Bowman.” I mumbled.

Pecos Bill shoved his hands in his pockets. “Oh Becks.”

I nodded. “Pecos, I can’t lose him too.” I sobbed.

“Give him some time. This is a scary time.”

“It’s not that. I did some shitty things.”

He nodded. “Tell me.”

“I posted this dumb shit on facebook and my blog. I let the fear overtake me and I completely lost control.”

He sighed. “Beck you can’t do that.”
I nodded, “I know. I won’t do it again.”

He half heartedly smiled then rested his hand my shoulder, “give it some time.”

"When the world says give up, Hope whispers try again"

You know the really sucky thing about cancer? It doesn't wash away. You can scrub and scrub but it doesn't wash away.
I'm praying that the lab gets double negatives this time...

The New Life: D's Sleeve

I rolled over onto my stomach and dug through Bowman’s hoodie for my phone. I found it twirled it in my fingers and starred at the number on the screen, The Big D. I sighed answered the phone and laid back onto the bed.

“Hey I thought you were coming up for the party last night.” I mumbled as I rubbed my eyes.

“I’m sorry I was really busy yesterday.” He said back the sound of Omaha behind him. I could tell he was on his deck, probably playing fetch with his dog.

“To busy to come see your sister.” I said and pulled the covers back over me.

“Baby Girl I’m sorry. I worked over time, helped a pal put in some tiles, and then spent the afternoon test riding bikes.” He said. I could hear his dog scurry across the deck.

“Playing with Bella?” I asked, “Wait did you just say you were test driving bikes?”

“Yes to both.”

“D you’ve got two bikes you don’t ride.” I mumbled with a sigh.

“I think this third bike will get a lot more time put on it.” He said, possibly hinting.

I paused, “You didn’t buy me a bike did you?”

“I dunno. But I did buy a new bike.” He said. I could hear Bella’s tags clink.

“D.”

“Beck.”

I sat in silence for awhile listening to the murmured voices upstairs. “D if you bought a bike for me I will beat the crap out of you.”

“Don’t worry about it.” He said. “So how was the party?”  

As I sat on the back of Bowman’s bike this afternoon I could help but smile. There is something about being there with him that makes my blood rush hard. When he lays his hand on my knee I know everything is okay, all the doubts and worries, the stresses, they melt away. I’d love to have my own bike, but I also love riding with Bowman.

We will see what the Big D has up his sleeve. If he bought me a bike I’ll have to think really hard about if I want to accept it.

The New Life: Her Visit

She sat in the chairs that lined the back of the range behind the shooters line. Her cigarette in hand, smoke swirling gently around her. Her laugh echoed through the range as the dream started. I stood my parker in hand, the pink arrows gleaming in the florescent lights of the range. “Alright let’s see what this bow does for you.” She said.

I smiled, knocked the arrow and drew back. I settled into the shot and began to pull. The string made a twang followed by a quick echo of the arrow hitting the target.

“A little to the left, but it would be a kill shot.” She stated then took a drag of her cigarette.

 I eased the bow onto the bow stand and stared at the arrow down range. “Think I’m ready?”

She nodded. “Yep, you’ll get your deer.” She paused then smiled at me, her favorite part was coming; the motherly lecture “So now that we’ve got that sorted out tell me, what’s going on with this restlessness?”

I shrugged then sat down next to her in a yellow chair. “I couldn’t tell you honestly.”

She took another drag then exhaled. “Any suspicions?”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“Alright spill it.” She said as smoke swirled in the air.

I sighed then leaned back into the chair and crossed my arms. My pink bow shone in the lights as I starred at it, “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you in your final moments.”

She smiled, “You were, much like I’m here with you now. Beck shit happens, you were going through so much yourself. Honey I knew you were there.”

I looked over at her, “Sonny I was your daughter, I should have been right there through it all.”

She laid her hand on my knee, “Don’t beat yourself up. I understood.”

“I love you more then words can express.” I whispered.

“I love you to honey. If you ever need anything from me I’ll be there.” She said as she snuffed her cigarette out. “Looks like your doing okay right now.” She said.

I nodded.

We sat quietly for awhile. Then she asked, “How did Bowman’s birthday go?”

I looked over at her, my eyes wide, “How did you know his name?”

She smiled and winked, “I know everything.”

I leaned forward onto my knees, “You’ve always been a meddler.”

She laughed tipping her head back, “and now I’ve got a lot more access.”

I starred at her blank eyed, “Sonny.”

“Oh don’t worry I’ll stay out of it.” She paused and lit another cigarette, “Just promise me you will take it day by day and second by second.”

I stood up and smiled down at her. “I promise.”

I walked over to the shooting line and down towards my gleaming arrow. ‘Day by day.” She said behind me.

“and second by second.” I answered as I pulled my arrow.

“I’m always with you.” I could hear her say.

I turned to walk back to her, but the range was empty, her cigarette rested in the ash tray a small spiral of smoke rose from it.

“Okay Sonny.” I whispered.

Gone But Never Forgotten

Today is the anniversary of Sonny's death. Bowman and I are going hunting, in an attempt to keep my mind preoccupied. But I wanted to share some of the best advice she gave me.

“A patient heart will take you far in life.”

“Live as if there is never a tomorrow.”

“Love with your whole heart, if it’s worth the fight then fight for it.”

“Never let a man decide if you are happy or not.”

“Don’t lose hope that one day you will get where you want to be.”

“Be who you want to be, not who everyone else thinks you should be.”

 But the best was, “Your going to poke your fucking eye out if you keep anchoring there!”

I love you Sonny, I hope you’re looking down and realize I’m trying to become the woman I want to be. I hope you realize how much you influenced my life. You will never be forgotten.

October: The Pink Month

October is the pink month; it’s the month for breast cancer awareness. When I was a junior in high school I had no idea how important October would become in my life. But today as I think about how important it is now, it all started my junior year of high school.

I lost a close friend to breast cancer that year. She was my first riding instructor, my first coach, the woman who encouraged me to reach for the Olympics. She was 32 when she passed away. Her life was still full of amazing opportunities. It was all wiped away when the doctors told her that her cancer had spread too far. I remember the last time I rode with her, the chilling fall day. She was weak and could hardly mount on her own, but she did it, two weeks late we buried her.

Last year I lost Sonny. She had two different types of cancer, but the one that killed her, that was to far gone, was the breast cancer. I reeled in shock when I heard the news. I was in the midst of a divorce, unhappy, right where she had told me I would end up. I called to tell her she was right, I called to apologize. But instead I learned of her death.

Sonny was the woman who taught me that you don’t have to be what people think you should be. She encouraged me to stand on my own. She taught me how to shoot a bow and how to make it in a man’s world. But I was too young and ignorant to listen to most of her advice then. I stored it in my head, and as I’ve gone through this divorce and the following months I’ve rested on her advice a lot.

I shoot pink because of these two amazing women. I shoot pink because pink supports a cause that is so close to my heart. This month I will wear a pink ribbon around my wrist, in honor of all the women who have fought breast cancer. This month I will wear pink because it gives me hope that one day we will find a cure, one day there will be no more heartache from breast cancer.

The New Life: I'm Back

I rested in the shade beneath the Russian olive tree.  The meadow was clear, the deer still finding their way to it. I sat and enjoyed the afternoon symphony from the birds in the cottonwoods. I thought about everything that has happened this past week.

Bowman and I are still together. Tuesday was rough; it was hard to face the fact that our relationship might have reached its end. I don’t want this to end at this point. We both agreed there are issues, and we are going to work on them. I watched the cows across the meadow. It was a quiet hope that washed over me. A hope that everything will sort its self out and we can get back to how we were.

I thought about this weekend and the amount of fun I had. I shot in an archery tournament in Omaha. The longest shot was 35 yards, it’s was a cake walk compared to our shoots. There were six of us in my division, I place second. I was elated when the scores came across the board 368 out of 500. That is the best I’ve ever shot, I hope that it continues into the league, but it’s doubtful. My bow is still not shooting perfectly. But then again who, besides Bowman, has a bow that shoots perfectly for them. There is always some sort of tweak; mine just has more then others.

There was a gentle shift in the breeze and I thought of Sonny. The anniversary of her death is quickly coming up, October 9^th. I keep thinking about my promise to her, the promise that I’d take a deer with my bow. I’m working hard on it, but I’d like to have that promise fulfilled for her by then. It’s hard to think about her death. It was hard to not drive by the range while I was in Omaha. It was impossible to believe that she wasn’t going to be there.

My eyes shifted to the corner of the field. The does stood there quietly making their way onto the field. I sighed leaned my head onto my knees and watched them. It’s been one hell of a week for everyone involved. This week started off with one challenge after another and it’s only Monday. Here’s to hoping the past doesn’t repeat itself and that this week straightens itself out….

The New Life: The Clearing

I sat in the clearing by the Russian olive earlier. There was no breeze but I shuttered from the coolness of the fall. About fifty yards away the muley does played in the fall sun. I watched them as I cried. I could feel it coming in my joints, the way I feel a winter storm coming. I closed my eyes and cried more.

There was a quiet rustle in the grass behind me. I opened my eyes and turned my head. There stood my buck, quiet, observing the human sitting in the grass. I was still in my work cloths, unprepared for the hunt. Today I didn’t want to take the life from something as my life was being torn apart. He snorted and perked his big ears towards me almost reading my thoughts.

I looked away and left him. He stood quietly for awhile. While I cried he stood there starring at me, as the rush of tears faded he snorted then walked off towards the does. Mid way he stopped and turned to look at me, almost inviting me to come, I ushered him on and he joined the does on the meadow. The ache grew stronger as I thought about just a couple of days ago Bowman and I had sat in this exact place watching those exact does.

My heart shattered in my chest with this thought. The gentleness of the sandhills has always been able to soothe my soul. But today it couldn’t fix the heart that was breaking. I sat in the grass most of the morning, I had left work early. The amount of pain was unbreable and made it hard to excute my job in a professional manner. I sat in the grass unable to move. To think about where we started and where we are now kills me. To think about what might be lost rips at my being. And it’s all because I let the stress get to me. Sonny would be ashamed.

She always told me living by a plan was the wrong way to go about things. It’s a part of me, it’s a part of my ocd. If I don’t know what might happen then I can’t function. I look back at where we started seven weeks ago and think about all the good times. They say that’s when the end is near, when you go back to the beginning. This time they are probably right.

I wish Sonny was here today. She’d wrap me in her arms and cuddle me until the pain left. She’d have some wise words and some way to help me through all this. But alas she’s not here and I’m left to fight through this on my own. If I could push it to the back of my mind I would, but unfortunately when you feel for someone the way I feel for Bowman, it’s hard to not want to fight to keep the relationship. But fighting would only make it worse. So I’ll take the pain and deal with the only way I know how.

In the meantime my buck is safe, my bow is cased, I’ll probably never touch it again. Atleast not as long as the pain hurts. I’ll run off to Omaha this weekend and seriously think about moving back. This small town will be cold and I’m not sure I want to come back to it. There’s hope in Omaha, a fresh start. There’s the archery club I used to shoot in and my friends who might be able to convince me to get back to competing for a spot on the Olympic team. There’s the horse farms where I started my career. There is the option of school, and the opportunity to reconnect with my friends. Maybe that’s where I belong. Maybe my Momma’s begging wont have to continue. Maybe I’ll run from the only safe harbor I’ve ever had….

The New Life:

Last night I picked a fight, with Bowman. As the first words stumbled out of my mouth my brain screamed to shut the fuck up. But something kept the words coming. And by the time I had spilled most of the shitty words he was getting pissed.

The past two weeks I’ve felt pretty shitty. Overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted, why I don’t know, but the feels are still sitting there in my chest. The struggle to keep the pissy outbursts has absolutely consumed me. I wake up on the fight and go to bed on the fight. Yesterday I lost complete control. While it’s not a good reason or excuse it is what happend. This morning instead of the other feelings I am consumed with regret. What I said to Bowman was completely unfair. He does so much for me and makes all the time he possibly can. I don’t fault him for having a life, family, or friends. The honest and true Beck understands.

I hope he can forgive me, because I still very much love him. The real me is content with the relationship, she’s happy with every second he can give her. I hope he sees that…

Beck

A Bowhunter's Legacy: The Quiet Muley

I slammed the palms of my hands into the hard concrete. Pain recoiled throughout my arthritic body. I laid on my hands and knees panting in the cold fall rain. I had decided on three miles, I felt I was ready, but just as I reached the two and a half miles mark my knee had enough. Nausea waved through my stomach into my throat.

I lay down in the wet grass and tried to recover. In the distance I could hear the throaty roar of the thunder. I shuddered as the wet began to seep through my pink fleece coat. I began to cry, frustration settled as I realized I had done this to myself.

The tall drying grass waved in the cool settling breeze. I closed my eyes as pain screamed throughout my body. I tried a pain management technique I’ve learned, meditation. But it didn’t work; I couldn’t draw my mind out of the pain. So I lay as I waited for the pain to subside.  I’d been in the tall grass for about fifteen minutes when I heard something coming. I panicked as I rolled onto my stomach and sat up.

I met nose to nose with my buck. He looked at me curiously. The Big Guy in Camo’s story streaked through my head as my eyes widened, he had had a group of muleys try to trample him to death, but the buck gently touched his nose to my forehead, blew warm air, and then continued on his way.

I sat in silent shocked and watched him work his way down to the pond. I shuddered as I grew colder and realized my knee had quit screaming. I stood up and quietly walked home. The buck watched me pass then continued into the trees. I left him there, questioning if I had the heart to take him.

We shall see in the morning, I’m quietly hoping he disappears on his own accord, but then I think about another hunter taking him, it hurts more. We shall see where our continued path takes us.

A Bowhunter's Legacy: Full Blown

There is something about the wind through pines that seems to settle me. As I settled into my full draw I couldn’t help but think about how quiet the woods were. Thirty yard away stood a very nice buck, a buck that would have looked great on my wall. I say would have because, well he would have if hadn’t spooked.

I was taking my time settling the shake out of my bow arm. I saw him simply as one of the foam targets on the range. I settled my pin in the kill zone. Just as my pin settled I heard a car door slam up at the top of the canon. My buck raised his head and without any warning quickly dashed down the woods. He was out of sight before I could even think.

I was sitting there listening to the pines, starring through my empty peep sight thinking what the hell just happened. I groaned let the bow down and listened to the sound of the wind in the pines. I sat there waiting patiently in hopes he’d come back. He didn’t.  Of course there is always next time, but it never fails.

Archery league started last night. I scored a 353. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad, but considering the last time I shot an animal round I shot a 260 I’ll consider it improvement. I’m looking forward to the indoor season. It’s one of the things I enjoy the most league and competition.  Reflecting on where I was this time last year I’d say I’ve made leap and bounds as an archer. But what I am most proud of, the fact that I actually feel confident as a shooter.

As for the buck, maybe it’s meant to be. But still it’s really disappointing.

The New Life: P.S. I Love You

There comes a point in any relationship when you just know. When you know that your life will never be the same, when you couldn’t possibly be the same person without them, when you know that this is what love is meant to be. Today that point was solidified to me.

It hit me with a rush of happiness as I sat in the passenger side of the truck and looked out across the meadow. My eyes welled with tears as I realized he has my heart and I am perfectly happy with that.

As he sat listening to my granddad’s stories this afternoon I couldn’t help but smile. He seemed to be content listening to the old man’s stories about hunting and guns. As the gun show went on he seemed genuinely interested in the guns, guns that grandpa built. When we went to shoot blue rocks he encouraged me and told me when I made good shots. He built my confidence, instead of breaking me down. Because of that I improved, slightly, but its improvement.

When I sat in the passenger side of the truck and looked across the meadow into the sandhills I couldn’t help but fight the strong tears of happiness. I stepped out of the truck and choked them back. As he hugged me I kept from bursting into tears. It’s odd to me, these tears of happiness; I’ve never really had them before.

I’ve had that feeling, the feeling that he might just be the one, for awhile now. I had it before we even started dating; it grew stronger the first time we kissed, the first time he picked me up off the ground. I felt it at the range when he promised me we’d get my bow figured out before I left for Alaska. I felt it as I sat in the stands at the demo derby, when he made it into the main, and then as he stood on the hood of his car at the end of the race. It pounded hard in my chest the first time I rode on the bike with him. The first time he rode my horses I knew that hard pounding was for real. But today as it swelled in my chest I knew there was no going back.

Of course there will be times when I’m so upset with him I’ll doubt that feeling. But there is no denying it, I’m whole heartily in love with him, and there is no going back. He’s won the key to my heart and I am perfectly happy with that.

P.S. Bowman I love you the most. Ha I won!

Becks

A Bowhunter's Legacy: The Muley

Tonight he watched me move across the hard pavement with curiosity. We have rendezvoused at the same time for the past couple of days. He quietly stands watching as I take my evening run, not phased by the presence of a human. His muley horns have lost most of their velvet, and by opening day of deer season I’m sure the velvet will be completely gone. I’ve asked the guys if they have seen him, “the big five by six on the south circle.” No, they shake their heads, “Haven’t seen him.”

I paused for a moment as his eyes met mine, “Why do you only come out for me.” He snorted, raised his head and stared at me. He didn’t flinch or move a muscle. His ears twitched in the gentle sandhills breeze. Back in the trees behind him I laid eyes on two does. Their heads were raised also, but they were more nervous. They turned and ran off deeper into the trees, out of sight. He turned his head to look at them; he looked back to me and snorted again. “We’ll see.” I whispered then moved back into my run.

He was gone when I made it back to the gate. I imagine he had followed the does. He leaves me wondering, why he only shows for me. Each nigh he is in the same place waiting patiently, it seems, for me to pass him. He isn’t scared of me, isn’t nervous as my shoes hit the pavement, he’s content to watch me pass. His muley ears are always moving, listening to the hills around him. He’s keen and alert. The one time I passed him in a vehicle he ran quickly, but me on foot he doesn’t mind.

I’m sure when the time comes to draw on him I’ll be left wondering why he isn’t running. Maybe our paths were meant to cross, maybe he’s meant to be my first buck. But as smart as he is I’m sure he’ll disappear the first day of deer season, they must have a calendar somewhere that tells them what day deer season opens. But maybe he’s just meant to teas me, to get me pumped up for the season so I can take something just as big or bigger. Either way I’d be happy, if he’s staring at me on my wall or out in the pasture, he’s something special, I just haven’t figured out what yet.

The New Life: Hit the Pavement

For two weeks I’ve been a good girl. I’ve kept the impact level on my knee to the bare minimum. But today I broke down. I quickly changed my cloths and pulled the running shoes on. Two weeks without running was beginning to drive me crazy.

My feet hit the rough pavement hard as the recoil slammed pain into my knee. I pressed on through the pain, something I’ve learned I have to do.  My worries melted as I pushed harder for longer strides down the road.  Music blared through my ears as I wound my way down the road. At the two mile mark I stopped, breathing hard and regretting my decision.

The last couple of weeks played through my head. The bubbling frustration began to subside. I sunk down into the grass along the road. A handful of dragon flies danced in the cooling summer night. I sighed, still huffing. The two week break had really taken a lot of my stamina out of me. I sat in the grass for a little while and watched the sandhills for a little while. In the distance I could hear the haying tractors and the sound of the trains down at Antioch.

I thought about conversations I’ve had with Bowman. The drastic difference between the way Bowman and I communicate and how my ex and I communicated. I smiled, wrapped my arms around my legs and settle my chin on my knees. They were still slamming with pain, I intended to finish the run, I just wanted the pain to subside a little bit before I continued on. I could hear the scolding from Bowman in my head. I laughed as a rush of happiness hit me.

Running used to be a way of venting my frustration, but over the last couple of runs I’ve come to realize I run because it makes me happy. It’s not just about getting rid of the frustration, it’s about taking some time to get away from everything and find myself. Shooting does the same thing, riding too, but running it does something different. I feel like if I am literally running maybe it will keep me from emotionally running away.

Pain ached through my legs as I sunk into this chair to write this blog. In the morning my knees will be killing me, but it’s worth it. I’m not frustrated or worried, I’m happy. Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed for two miles, but oh well, it did me some good.

The New Life: The Archer's Protection

Today I took a drive to visit a friend of mine. Her real name is Susan, but we all call her Beans. How she got the nick name isn’t important. What is, is how I know her. We met through the Bordeaux Art Society. An art group I am a part of. I met her two years ago, she’s been with me through a lot, she’s the one I run to when I need some out of this world advice. She is one crazy woman, but that is what I love the most about her, she has answers I can’t get from anyone else.

Our conversation started as I sat across the table from her my coffee mug warmed in my hand. She’d gotten a little heavy handed with the Irish cream and I struggled through the sweetness. “So tell me.” She asked, “Why are you here?”

I sat back in my chair, “Come on Beans. I came to see you.”

“Bullshit.” She chuckled, “You only come when you need advice.”
I sighed. “I suppose that’s an accurate assumption.” I took a hard swallow of the coffee, trying to make room for more so I could dilute it.
“Alright Becks, tell me.” She said with a straightforward smile.
I closed my eyes, “Remember that whole promise I made to myself.”
“Well which one? You’ve made a lot of them lately.”
I opened my eyes, “Not supportive.”
She shrugged, “It’s true and you know it.” She mumbled then took a sip of her coffee.
“The one about love.”
“Ah ha. Don’t give your heart to another man until November. I do remember that one.” She said with a nod.
“Yeah, well I didn’t make it until November.” I mumbled taking another hard swallow trying to avoid her eye contact.

She didn’t scold like I was expecting, she simply said, “It happens. Are you sure you love him?”

I nodded, “I’m positive.”
“Do you even know what love is?” She asked.
I paused trying to formulate my answer. “Well I didn’t. But I do now.”
“Tell me.” She stated with frankness, doubting me.
I leaned onto the table and started at my coffee. “Tell you what?”

She sighed, “How do you know. You’ve only been a couple for a little while.”

I looked up at her. “I know. That’s what I can’t explain.”
She leaned back in her chair, “I’ve got a theory about love.” She paused to make sure I was listening, “There are two ways that love happens. The first is instant. The second is learned. But there is the ultimate love, it’s both instant and learned, it’s a love that will sustain through everything. I do not doubt you love him, but tell me is it a love that will sustain?”

“I don’t know. I just know that what I feel for him, it’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before. There is no doubt in my mind. The love is as solid as a couple who's been together for fifty years.”

“It sounds like a pure love. No body can define it or say that it has symptoms. You just have to know in your heart. If he's the one, you already know."
She paused.
"Was he the one who was trying to get you ready for Alaska?" She asked.
I nodded as I poured some black coffee into my mug.

“Ah. The one you fell hard for a couple of months ago?”

I nodded again.

She smiled. “Beck, do you remember what I told you back when we first met?”

I shook my head, “You’ve told me a lot of things.”

“Stop rushing life. Because you’re going to get to the end of it and look back and think, fuck why was I rushing? Take a deep breath and enjoy this ride. Enjoy this part of the relationship. If you rush through this you’ll never get it back.” She reached her hand across the table to touch mine, “Just take your time. Enjoy every second you get with him and know that eventually you’ll get what you want. I remember the phone call when you told me all about him and how you wanted so badly for him to ask you out. You got that didn’t you?”

I smiled thinking about how it all went down, “Yes Beans.”

“Okay then don’t rush the poor man just because you’ve been waiting. Under the protection of the Archer, what you seek will find you.”

I smiled. “The Archer?”

“The constellation. He’s fierce and war like. Just like you. He’s your protector. Let him do his work and what you seek will find you.” She said as she retracted her hand back to her coffee mug.

She's right of course. After all patience paid the first time and after a frank conversation with Bowman I think we stand on good ground. I'm not a patient person, I don't handle not getting what I want well. Never have, it's part of being an only child. But no one said I wouldn't get what I want, I just have to give it some time. Time it's such a precious thing...

The New Life: Anxious for Fall

When I was younger I dreaded the fall. It meant going back to school and that the winter was right around the corner. It meant that the freedom of summer was quickly revoked. I loved the scorching hot days of summer. I loved swimming in the lake and loping the horses through the summer grasses. I loved the thunderstorms and the rain. I loved the simple beauty of the sandhills in the summer. Don’t get me wrong I still love all those things, but I’m beginning to think my judgment of the fall when I was younger was unfair.

I’m anxiously awaiting the fall this year. It brings my birthday, all the archery hunting season, and orange leaves on the trees. Fall means cooler days in the round pen, fly free afternoons on the horse, but it also means that the A circuit shows are in full swing.

Of course I won’t be on the show circuit this fall. Sweet Cheeks is lame, for how long I don’t know. I find it unfair to make him work hard while he’s in pain, so the show season will wait, maybe indefinitely.

I’ve choose to focus my attention on hunting. But not just hunting, bow hunting. The trip to Alaska has been delayed, but that just means I have more time to hunt here at home. Deer season and turkey season are quickly approaching. I find myself itching to don the camo, wake up at the ass crack of dawn, and sit in the cool frost waiting for my big buck and tom turkey to walk into range. It’ll have to wait a couple more weeks; September 15^th is the official day of opening for archery deer and turkey season. I’m so enthusiastic about it I’m thinking about taking the day off!

This fall is also going to bring another anniversary for me. The anniversary of the day I decided I wanted change, big change. I'm excited to see where I am by November 16^th. I bet you I’ll be right where I hoped I’d be. We will just have to hold out hope and see where it goes. November 16^th, that’s the day, the big day. I’m anxious…

The New Life: A Ghost From the Past

There are two types of people in this world. There are the people who when you tell them you are the happiest you’ve ever been say “I’m so happy for you. Your life is finally going right!” and then there are the people who try their hardest to drag you back to the bottom the second they find out you are remotely happy. I am currently dealing with someone from the past whom is the latter of the two.

It seems he finds me every time I become happy. He’s always got something to harp on, some snide remark, and some attempt to ruin my happiness. It’s worked in the past, but today I decided to call him out. I choose a long time ago to not deal with him. I choose myself over him, I decided that my life was more important then anything he ever had to think about me, but he choose to be an asshole.

He’s found out I’m in a loving, genuine, relationship and it’s driving him crazy. He’s made it his goal to make me miserable. Well I can promise you one thing, this is my vent, this is the last you’ll hear of it because he won’t ever affect me the way he wants to.

Even though he is an asshole, I’m happy for him. His life seems to have gotten better. Of course I’m not directly involved and quite honestly I don’t want to be involved. But on the surface he seems happy. I am not going to try and ruin that for him. I just wish he could give me the same courtesy.

Becks

The New Life: Ketchup!

Tomorrow is the 23^rd. The 23^rd seems to be a pretty good date to me. I was officially divorced on the 23^rd of March. On the 23^rd of April I was back to my maiden name. By May 23^rd my heart felt pretty much healed. On June 23^rd I shot the best score I’ve shot yet with my Parker. On the 23^rd of July my feelings for Bowman were confirmed in my heart. Tomorrow is the 23^rd of August; I wonder what it has in store for me. Guess we will just have to wait and see.

I wanted to catch you all up on my crazy week, so here goes nothing!

Bowman had a protest about my last blog, “You make it sound almost like I was stalking you.” He remarked.

I laughed, but let me clear it up, Bowman wasn’t stalking me. We just kept noticing each other. I’d pass him on the highway and think there he goes. He’d come into the store and I’d think, you can linger a little bit longer. Now that he is mine, I still think the same things, they are just constant. But no, there was no stalking.

Our relationship has grown and gotten a lot stronger. Our communication is like nothing I’ve ever experienced. We are committed to each other and make an effort to be a couple. He’s willing to make time for me and I’m willing to make time for him. We have common interests and share common ground. We are a really great couple and I feel so safe with him, I know he’s with me through anything the universe could throw at me. I’m with him to, no matter what.

Over the past week a lot of other things have gone on. I’ve had my knee looked at, the conclusion isn’t promising. I’m, literally, dragging my feet with making a decision. What the doctor proposes would change my life completely. The simple answer is I’m scared, and until I’m not scared anymore I am going to keep dragging my feet.

The trip to Alaska has been postponed. It breaks my heart completely, but I know it’s for the better. I would be in a bad place if my knee gave out on me in the Alaskan Brush. Postponing the trip to the spring will give me time to decide about my knee and to be in a better place with my job.

I’m making progress within my job. I’m still not exactly where I’d like to be. But I feel more comfortable being a leader and setting an example. I’m okay with discipline and okay getting ahead of issues and communicating with my staff and supervisors. It’s a step in the right direction.

Over the last couple of weeks I’ve gone through a lot of struggles. But somewhere in it all I’ve found the purest happy I’ve ever felt. I feel so much better then I did just a couple of months ago. I’m happy with my life, even if there are struggles. I’m happy with the choices I’ve made personally over the last couple of weeks. What I’m not happy about is the hurt I’ve put other people through. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do about that. All I can do is apologize and hope that somewhere along the way they realize I didn’t do it to be malicious.

The effort to reach this place has been long and tiresome. Bowman tells me I look tired, and in all honesty I am. I’ve finally reached a place where I feel comfortable resting. I’ve finally found the happy ground, the place I’ve been searching for. It’s now time to lie down in the grass and take a nap. It’s time to stop fighting and just enjoy the ride, weather it’s on the back of Bowman’s bike or in the saddle, it’s time to enjoy.

Becks

Sorry to get your hopes up, but this blog had nothing to do with Ketchup, I just couldn’t resist!

The New Life: Introducing Bowman

Today a newer character in my life makes his debut on the blog; with an entry all about him. I’ve known Bowman since January; he’s actually made a couple of minor appearances before, under a different name. I can picture the exact moment he walked into my life. I still remember his shy smile and the way he kept me in eyesight. Mostly I remember the flutter of my heart as I realized that, what I all the sudden felt, was stronger then anything I’d ever felt before. He stole my heart instantly.

Over the last couple of weeks our relationship has budded and now it’s blossomed into a beautiful romance. He swept me up as soon as I came on to the market. Bowman was my rock when I found myself struggling through some of the darkest days I’ve had. He gave me confidence and support when I needed it the most. He’s given me his all and in return I’m giving him my all.

Alright now that you know about Bowman let me tell you what he did for me yesterday. He helped me check something off my bucket list, ride a motorcycle. His motorcycle is a big part of his life, I can appreciate that, it’s similar to me and my horses. So being able to share this with him is something I hope he’ll let me do.

Yesterday afternoon as I swung over the bike nerves were pulsating throughout my body. I was a happy mix of nerves and excitement. My mother’s nagging concern was quickly pushed aside as he started the bike. As it rumbled my screaming knee quieted. I relaxed into the seat and laid my hand onto his shoulder. I kept from wrapping my arms around him, though there was a moment or two when I felt I needed to. As we cruised through town he reached back and laid his hand on my leg. It made me feel safe and confidant, I knew I was right where I needed to be.

Ten blocks into it I fell completely in love with being on the bike. I quiet honestly wasn’t ready to get off at the end of the ride, but work always calls.  I’m excited and anxious for the next time he takes me out. I hope he doesn’t make me wait to long, I might not make! He may be subjected to puppy dog eyes…

Becks

A Bowhunter's Dream: Moose!

(Picture courtesy of Alaska Game and Fish)

It struck me like a rock to the foot; I’m under 30 days before I go to Alaska. My heart raced as I thought about everything that could happen between now and then. I closed my eyes and focused myself again. I drew my bow and settled into the shot.  The twang of the release echoed through out my ears as I watched for the arrow to hit the target. It quickly came to view, high right.

I sighed and stepped back to let Jace shoot. Restlessness settled inside me as my knee throbbed with pain; I winced but didn’t let him notice. I thought about the Alaskan brush and the amount of pain I will be subjecting myself to. Is it worth it in the end? Yes, of course. Is it going to hurt like no other pain I’ve ever felt? Yes, of course.

I’m still struggling with my bow. Sometime it shoots great other times it really lets me down. Of course it’s only going to take one arrow out of it to bring down my moose, but still it’s slightly nerve racking going in with a bow I’m not 100% confident in. It’s also slightly stupid. But at this point in the game it’s too late to do anything about it.

One of the clearest memories of my childhood is my Great-Granddad’s moose. I named him Alfred when I was younger. He was mounted above the fire place in the game room. He is what started my love for moose. Alf was an Alaskan moose shot in the Western Yukon. I’ve never heard the story about the hunt, but I imagine it was an adrenaline rush for Grandpa Bernard. Alf now hangs in the local gun shop. I’d love to bring him back to the family and mount my moose right next to him as part of the continuation of the legacy. The difference between the hunt that brought Alf home and my hunt is that Grandpa Bernard shot him with a rifle; I’ll be carrying a pink Parker bow.

At night I lie in bed and imagine myself laying in the brush. I can see my draw and release, sometimes in my imagination I miss. But most of the time I’m right on target. It’ll be different as I lay in the brush for real. I’m sure my heart will be pounding hard, my breath will be short, and my lack of confidence in my bow will swallow me whole. I’m afraid of the choke. It’s a question I constantly ask myself, what if I choke? The other is, what if I miss? They are valid questions in my mind. It’s possible that I’ll do both. It’s possible that it will take me the full ten days to bring my moose down. I may be hunting clear up to the moment I leave for the air port.

As I prepare myself for the hunt I try to maintain a positive attitude. After all this is the hunt of a lifetime, when will I ever be able to do this again? Possibly never. I just wish Mr. “I have no more vacation” would be right there with me. That’s right you’re going to catch all sorts of flack for that!

Becks

Quiet

I came across this picture in saved blogs. It was all by its self just waiting for the right words to join it. This is a picture of me and Sweet Cheeks a couple of months before my 16^th birthday, a couple of months before the accidents and pain. I don’t remember this moment in time. I don’t remember my mother taking this picture. But it seems like a moment in time when the world stopped and everything was right in the world.

I sat and starred at this picture for a while. It brought back a lot of memories about who I was then. It made me think about all the time in between then and now. I’ve changed, grown, and become a better person. I’ve also been to hell and back since that moment in time.

My world has crashed and burned at my feet more then once. I’ve done the juggling act, I’ve dropped a lot of balls, but I’ve grown and learned. Thinking about all my concerns and worries at that point in my life I can’t help but laugh. Of course I see the similarities in then and now and know that not everything has changed. I’m still a world class rider. I still have the drive and ambition to be in the show ring. I still hold myself to the highest standard in the industry. But some things have changed. I’ve become strong and independent. I’ve become my own trainer and my own cheerleader. I’ve learned that it’s not about winning; it’s about performing at your very best. I’ve learned a lot of things that the majority of show hands struggle with.

We all recover from accidents. Sometimes it takes a long time, but sometimes the recovery isn’t that long. If I had known at that moment in time about everything, every accident, mistake, or pain I would be subjected to I’m not sure I would or could have continued on the course I was on. But as think about it now and reflect I’m glad everything that happened, did. If it hadn’t been for everything that happened I wouldn’t be the woman I am today. The recovery from all my accidents has been a long struggle. There are days I still struggle with some the choices I’ve made. Often I have trouble coming to a decision because of my past. I either run to early or to late.

In the end all I can ever hope for is that I can continue on living life without regrets, that I can let the past go, and that my future is always bright. I want to stand at Heavens gates one day and reflect on the life I lived and know I did the best I can. I want to ride through the knee high grass and know that my entry fees were paid, in full.

Beck

The New Life: The Key to my Heart

Yesterday evening I was driving home from the archery range. It was dark and in the distance a thunderhead produced sharp lightning. I glanced occasionally out the window watching the lightning meet the ground. My radio was turned low and I could hear the highway under my tires. I suddenly heard over the radio lyrics to a song which struck my heart.

"Well, I don't want the whole world
The sun and moon and all their light
I just want to be the only girl, You love all your life
You love all your life"

I reached up and played with my necklace as I listened to the song. The pendant was heavy in my hand as I twisted the chain. The key to my heart. It physically represents the actual key to my heart. From the day I bought the pendant I've worn it, I keep it close. I've learned that who ever is going to get the key to my heart is going to have to be a pretty great guy.

"Well, I don't want the whole world, no the sun and moon and all their light
I just want to be the only girl,
You love all your life
You love all your life
You love all your life, life, yeah"

Who is that really great guy? Is it Handsome or someone else? I'm not sure. But I do know he's going to have to be amazing whomever he turns out to be. The man who gets the key to my heart is going to have to treat me the best Ive ever been treated. He's going to have to put me in the top of his priority list. I'm pretty easy to live with, I'm a woman who loves to shoot bows and guns, I love being outdoors, I love going down to the bars and having a good time. I don't ask a man to not have friends, I don't ask him to spend all of his free time with me, but I do ask that he loves me unconditionally and that he is there for me when I need him the most. Did I mention I'm a whiskey girl? I'm pretty unique and interesting.

"Would you catch a couple thousand fireflies, yeah
put them in a lamp to light my world
All dressed up in tux and bow tie hand delivered to a lonely girl, to a lonely,
lonely girl"

I've been through a lot in the past, but I'm working on letting it all go. Some days I do really great about leaving the past behind, but some days I find it nearly impossible to just leave it alone. I do know one thing for sure, I don't want to add anymore bad to my life, I'm ready to let the bad go.
As for being happy, well I'm working on it. Sometimes I am over the moon and other times I'm ten feet below the ocean. It happens, it's part of me and part of my obsessive compulsive disorder. But sure enough I realize I am the only one who can make me happy. I realized that a long time ago, it's just something I need to constantly remind myself.
I'm enjoying the ride, for the most part. It's been rough, it's going to stay rough for a while. But eventually I'll get to the smooth part and life will be great. It wouldn't be as interesting if there weren't bumps in the road.
Becks

From the Saddle: Back in the Ring



Yesterday was the first time I've been in the show ring in two years. I've been nervous about the show for a couple of weeks now. I was unsure of how my assistant would take to showing, unsure of how the horse trailer would pull, but mostly unsure of the behaviour of the horses.
First off I had a problem rounding up a truck. The day before the show my orginal plans for a pickup fell through. Luckily I had a friend step up and offer his truck. It worked out well and everything went off without a problem. I just want to thank him one more time. The horses loaded well for the most part and the drive to the show grounds was relativly painless. I haven't driven the trailer in around two years, I'll admit it made me a little nervous to be back in the driver's seat.
As we drew closer to the show grounds I asked my assistant to join me in the show day prayers. It's a tradition that started the day of my very first show, I hope it's a tradition she will continue. Before each show I say two prayers, the first being the Lord's Prayer and the second being a version of the Cowboy's Prayer,

OUR GRACIOUS AND HEAVENLY FATHER.
WE PAUSE IN THE MIDST OF THIS FESTIVE OCCASION, MINDFUL AND THOUGHTFUL OF THE GUIDANCE THAT YOU HAVE GIVEN US. WE WOULD ASK, TODAY LORD, THAT YOU BE WITH US IN THIS ARENA AS WE PRAY YOU WILL BE ALSO WITH US IN LIFE'S ARENA. AS RIDERS, LORD, WE DON'T ASK FOR ANY SPECIAL FAVORS IN THIS ARENA TODAY. WE ONLY ASK THAT YOU WILL LET US COMPETE IN THIS EVENT, AND IN LIFE, AS YOU DID FOR US. WE ASK THAT YOU GIVE US THE GUIDENCE TO COMPETE HONESTLY, TO BE WITH OUR COMPETITORS, AND TO GIVE US THE GRACE TO WIN WITHOUT THE SATISFACTION OF BEATING OUR COMPETITON.

HELP US TO COMPETE IN LIFE AS HONEST AS THE HORSES WE RIDE; IN A MANNER AS CLEAN AND PURE AS THE WIND THAT BLOWS ACROSS THIS COUNTRY; SO WHEN WE MAKE THAT LAST RIDE, THAT WE KNOW IS INEVITABLE, TO THE COUNTRY UP THERE.. WHERE THE GRASS IS GREEN AND LUSH AND STIRRUP-HIGH AND THE WATER RUNS CLEAN AND CLEAR; YOU WILL TELL US, AS OUR LAST JUDGE, THAT OUR ENTRY FEE'S ARE PAID.
WE ASK THESE THINGS IN CHRIST'S NAME. AMEN

We got to the show grounds, unloaded the horses, and discovered Sweet Cheeks had opened up an old cut on his foot. I had cleaned out the trailer and left the vet kit at home, it never fails. Jace went and got me a bottle of Allum to clot the cut and I still rode in my class. Sweet Cheeks was off though and so was I. Out of two classes of four I placed third and my assistant place fourth. She did well for her first show. I was pleased with her as I watched her in the ring. Of course there are a lot of things she and I both need to work on before the fall shows, but we've got time and she is a quick learner.

We were blessed with very few problems. It's probably the least stressful show I've ever been to. I'm glad everything worked out. So now we get ready for the jumper shows that are starting up. It's going to be a lot of training, but we can manage it.
Becks