The New Life: The Clearing

I sat in the clearing by the Russian olive earlier. There was no breeze but I shuttered from the coolness of the fall. About fifty yards away the muley does played in the fall sun. I watched them as I cried. I could feel it coming in my joints, the way I feel a winter storm coming. I closed my eyes and cried more.

There was a quiet rustle in the grass behind me. I opened my eyes and turned my head. There stood my buck, quiet, observing the human sitting in the grass. I was still in my work cloths, unprepared for the hunt. Today I didn’t want to take the life from something as my life was being torn apart. He snorted and perked his big ears towards me almost reading my thoughts.

I looked away and left him. He stood quietly for awhile. While I cried he stood there starring at me, as the rush of tears faded he snorted then walked off towards the does. Mid way he stopped and turned to look at me, almost inviting me to come, I ushered him on and he joined the does on the meadow. The ache grew stronger as I thought about just a couple of days ago Bowman and I had sat in this exact place watching those exact does.

My heart shattered in my chest with this thought. The gentleness of the sandhills has always been able to soothe my soul. But today it couldn’t fix the heart that was breaking. I sat in the grass most of the morning, I had left work early. The amount of pain was unbreable and made it hard to excute my job in a professional manner. I sat in the grass unable to move. To think about where we started and where we are now kills me. To think about what might be lost rips at my being. And it’s all because I let the stress get to me. Sonny would be ashamed.

She always told me living by a plan was the wrong way to go about things. It’s a part of me, it’s a part of my ocd. If I don’t know what might happen then I can’t function. I look back at where we started seven weeks ago and think about all the good times. They say that’s when the end is near, when you go back to the beginning. This time they are probably right.

I wish Sonny was here today. She’d wrap me in her arms and cuddle me until the pain left. She’d have some wise words and some way to help me through all this. But alas she’s not here and I’m left to fight through this on my own. If I could push it to the back of my mind I would, but unfortunately when you feel for someone the way I feel for Bowman, it’s hard to not want to fight to keep the relationship. But fighting would only make it worse. So I’ll take the pain and deal with the only way I know how.

In the meantime my buck is safe, my bow is cased, I’ll probably never touch it again. Atleast not as long as the pain hurts. I’ll run off to Omaha this weekend and seriously think about moving back. This small town will be cold and I’m not sure I want to come back to it. There’s hope in Omaha, a fresh start. There’s the archery club I used to shoot in and my friends who might be able to convince me to get back to competing for a spot on the Olympic team. There’s the horse farms where I started my career. There is the option of school, and the opportunity to reconnect with my friends. Maybe that’s where I belong. Maybe my Momma’s begging wont have to continue. Maybe I’ll run from the only safe harbor I’ve ever had….