The New Life: My knack

Friday night I had sat down next to More for a brief conversation. His ex wife had left and his daughter was busy with her circle of friends. Bowman was busy talking to someone else, I figured those five minutes I’d have with More would help reassure him I was still with him.

He didn’t ask me about Bowman, which surprised me. But I did notice how he watched every move Bowman made. He watched me, he made sure that nothing crossed the line. I wasn’t thankful for it, I found the jealousy annoying. After all I hadn’t watched him like a hawk when his ex had been at the range. I chose not to deal with it, until yesterday afternoon, when he brought it to the surface....

The wind whipped around us as we stood at the hitching post, we had just come back from riding on the South meadow. More had been especially quiet; I knew something was bothering him, I knew exactly what it was too. I pulled my saddle off the grey and walked over to the tack room. I settled it onto the saddle rack and attempted to settle my nerves, I could sense a fight in my joints.

More stepped into the doorway, his saddle in hand, I took it from him and sunk it into the saddle rack without meeting his eye contact. He let me step out of the tack room before he sprung it on me, “Who was that Friday night?”

“He’s an old friend of mine. He needed someone to talk to.” I said. I started to walk off towards the horses, attempting to avoid what I knew was coming next.

“He’s your ex boyfriend isn’t he.” He said after me. “The one you’ve been trying to recover from.”

I stopped about three feet from the horses; I looked up to the sky then turned around to face him, “More you don’t need to worry about him. What happened is the past, you and I are working on becoming “us” I wouldn’t ruin that.”

He stopped next to me, “I need to ask, did anything happen? I know you left with him.”

I shook my head, “no More. You know I’m not that kind of girl.”

He nodded, “I know. But I also saw the way he looked at you. It isn’t all gone.”

I sighed and crossed my arms over my chest, “More.”

“No Beck. Don’t try to cover it up, just be honest with me.” He said. I could sense the hurt.

“I can’t speak for him. I think what happened Friday scared him and he needed some support. He knows that I’m always there for him.” I said in almost a whisper.

More sighed, “Is it worth my time to even try and build something with you.”

That hurt me, it cut my heart. “If you don’t want to try then we don’t need to. But I want you to know that it’s a very real possibility I am in love with you.” I was fighting the tears now.

“Then don’t let the past mess up what the future holds.” More said sternly.

I sighed. There was so much I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to tell him he wasn’t God’s gift to women. If he didn’t want to be with me then he didn’t need to keep playing me. That he was picking a fight over something that wasn't even worth fighting over. I wanted to show him my heart and how bad it was hurting from what he was doing. I wanted to slap him and yell at him that I was in love with him. But then I remembered what Sonny had told me in Deadwood. What she had told me the day before in the clearing. I attempted to change the subject, “why didn’t you shoot with me on Friday? You basically ignored me. After all I was the one who sat down next to you and opened a converstaion, wasn't I?”

It caught him off guard, “I, well I just don’t want it obvious to my daughter just yet. She doesn’t need to know what’s going on. Not until we figure out what we are trying to do anyway.”

“I think you are the one who needs to get over your past before we decide what we are doing.” I said as I turned, untied my horses and walked them towards the Treeline gate. He stood there, he didn’t yell after me, he didn’t come to catch me; he just let me walk away. I figured it meant he agreed.

I got to the gate, walked the geldings through it, and slipped off their halters. The grey stood next to me and let me bury my face in his mane. I cried, for how long I’m not sure, but when I got back to the round pen More had left. I flung the halters in the tack room, slammed the door shut and walked back to the house. “I sure have a knack for fucking things up.” I whispered to the wind.