The Sportster: Deadwood Weekend con't

It ended right there in Deadwood. I didn’t have the energy to go out to dinner or even to go out and party, which is what Deadwood, is all about. Instead I lay on the cold tile floor and realized how fucked up everything really was. I realized that I was hanging on to something that would probably never be again. I realized that I could learn to love someone else, even if it wasn’t instant, even if it wasn’t as passionately, I could love again.

Eventually I crawled into bed and turned on the T.V. I have become accustom to the room, I know that occasionally there is a bump, it’s more then likely the old mistress that used to live in the room. I know that outside you can hear the sound of motorcycles riding up and down Main Street. Sometimes if you are real quiet you can hear the party in the streets. I listened to Deadwood and let it soothe me.

Around two in the morning I heard the key slide into the lock on the door. I turned my head and watched as Jay walked through the door. “You still up?” He asked. It was dark in the room; the TV was glowing as a rerun of an old sitcom played.

“Yeah I’m still up.” I said quietly.

He closed the door behind him, walked over to the bed and sat down on the edge. “Can we talk?” His voice was quiet; I knew he was sober, but exhausted. I figured he’d been pretty upset to.

“Yeah.” I said sitting up in bed, reaching over to turn the lamp on.

“I’m sorry about earlier. I know you are having a hard time letting go. I just really thought if I showed you how much I love you, you’d get over it.” He said softly, staring at his hands in his lap.

“I haven’t been very fair to you. I am really sorry about what happened. Jay I’m trying to love you. But it’s been hard for me to learn to make space for someone else.” I paused reaching over to touch him. “I’m ready to let go, I want to be with someone who’s going to love me. Who’s going to be with me through everything. I don’t know who that is at this point, but I really want to find out if it’s you.”

He turned on the bed so his eyes met mine, “I love you with everything I have. But Beck if you aren’t willing to let go of the past you won’t be able to love me.”

I nodded agreeing, “give me another chance.”

He smiled as he reached up to touch my cheek, “You are still on your first chance.”

It was that second when I realized what was happening; when I realized that maybe I’m starting to fall for him.