The New Life: Not This Time

I leaned my head onto his chest, “Girl you know I’m not Mr. Right.” He whispered as he pressed his fingers into my tense shoulders.

“I know Tennessee. I know.” I mumbled as I closed my eyes and took a breath of his cologne.

“Are you sure you need me?” He asked his deep Southern accent strung through every word.

“I don’t need you. I never have. It’s just easier with you.” I mumbled.

“Becks, I’m okay being a rebound. We’ve always been that for each other, a soft place to fall. But maybe this time it’s different.” He mumbled as he gently ran his fingers through my hair.

“What do you mean by that?” I asked as I looked up at him.

“It took you awhile to call. Normally you call right away.” He paused as he brushed my bangs out of my face, “Becks maybe you don’t really need this, maybe not this time. Maybe you are past needing a rebound. Maybe, just maybe, someone is trying to tell you something.”

I leaned back in his arms so I could rest my hands on his chest. I thought for a moment. “A lot of people are trying to tell me a lot of things. Please don't try telling me anything, that's not what I need.” I whispered trying to keep the hurt from my voice. “I can make it on my own and be quiet about it. I made it after my divorce. Remember?”

“I do remember. I also remember the calls when you needed someone to keep the other side of the bed warm.” He said sternly. “I remember the week you separated from your ex husband. I remember you falling asleep in my arms and finding every reason to deer hunt together. I remember laying in that bed with you in complete silence. I remember the look in your eyes. You needed someone then, but I don’t see it this time.” He said as he stared into my eyes. His blue eyes seemed to beam with life. They were gentler then I remembered, kinder.

We stood in silence for a little bit. I shivered a little as the breeze picked up. He felt it and pulled me in closer. I thought for a long time as he held me. “I don’t know why I called.”

“Because what you and I have is easy. We love each other for awhile, help each other through the tough spots. But in the end we expect the hurt; we know there isn’t an everlasting commitment.” He said as he kept me in his arms. "You aren't the woman you were last year, your stronger. You don't need someone else to lean on. You know how to make yourself happy and at peace."

I stood quietly for a moment, “I love him very much.”

“I know you do. Did he say it’s over for good?” He asked.

“No, he really seemed to leave the string attached.”

Tennessee sighed, “Cut the string Becks. Cut it. He’s not worth the salt.”

I laughed a little. “You going to be around if I really do need you.”

He smiled, “I’m just a phone call away. I’ll be in town for awhile; work is going to keep me here.”

“Maybe I’ll call you.” I said with a half smile.

“Okay. But I don’t think you need me.”

“I think you’re right. But don’t go telling anyone I said that.” I said stepping back from him.

“I’m going to tell Texas, He’ll never believe that came out of your mouth!”

The New Life: To The Future

 I pushed the gray harder into a faster canter. I leaned onto his neck and gave him his head. We flew across the ground, through the gate and out into the open meadow. I slowed him and sat back in the saddle.

My hands were cold, my face burned from the cold wind, my red hair whipped around me. It was a rare moment in time, a moment when I wasn't thinking, just living. I looked up at the sky as I stopped the gray. There were no clouds in the sky, only blue abyss. I sighed and leaned over the saddle onto the grays neck.

He touched my knee with his nose. I ran my hands through his mane, “I’ve got to let it all go.” I whispered. He snorted then put his nose to the ground. I sat up and watched the sandhills around me. They were calm and peaceful, there were no deer hunters left, no one to bother me.

I thought about the conversation with D about the one rein stop. The promise I had made to Beans. I closed my eyes and pictured Bowman and I sitting in the clearing. “Okay,” I whispered, “if that’s what you want.” I opened my eyes as a flock of geese flew over head. I watched and listened for a moment.

I slid out of the saddle and sunk down into the grass next to the gray. He snorted but kept grazing. “So I guess it’s time to heal.” I stated to no one in particular. I wrapped the reins around the horn, knowing the gray wouldn’t stray far. He meandered in the fall grass as I sunk down into it. The tears didn’t come like I expected, letting go wasn’t as painful as I imagined.

The sandhills have always been a place of healing for me. It was the place I ran to when I needed healing. The only place in the world that ever mattered to me. I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around my knees. The left one screamed with pain, I knew getting back into the saddle was going to be killer.

“Sonny, I don’t know what happened.”

It took awhile but eventually I heard her voice. “Baby Girl what happened doesn’t matter. What matters is that you realize your going to be just fine.”

“I wish we could work it out some how.”

"Honey these things happen. If he doesn’t want to work it out that’s up to him. You’ve got to accept it.”

“I know.”

“Guess what, even if he doesn’t come back your going to make it through. This storm isn’t going to last forever.”

“He came to archery the other night. The look in his eyes, I can’t explain it.”

“No one said he doesn’t still love you and miss you. No one said he doesn’t feel bad about this. I know he’s hurting over this just as bad as you are. But running was the answer he came up with. Was it wrong? Probably, but he made the decision.”

“I know. But why won’t he try again. I’d give him my everything; I’d go to the end of the Earth for him.”

“Becks, you’ve got to see this through his eyes. It’s all he knows.”

“I guess me running to Omaha isn’t any different.”

“Probably not. Why are you going?”

“I’m going because I need a fresh start. Because I can’t stand to see him with someone else.”

…Quiet…

“Sonny?”

“I was just listening.”

“I’m hoping Omaha will change something in me.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. Anything.”

“Running was the answer you came up with huh.”

“Yeah.”

“Your soul says something else. Your soul says you’re leaving because you’re scared.” … Quiet …

“Scared that you’ll never heal.”

“Yep.”

“Becks, you can be broken into a million pieces and I promise you you’ll heal. You aren’t in a million pieces, just a couple. If given the chance you’ll heal, it’ll be quick, and we’ll make it less painful, you’ve just got to have faith and believe.”

… Quiet …

“When you make it to the Olympics, or where ever you end up, there will be someone there right next to you. He’ll love you with everything he has, he’ll go to the end of the Earth for you, but mostly he’ll be the one you’re meant to spend the rest of your life with. He’ll be the other half of your soul.”

“Who is it then?”

“I don’t know that. I just know you won’t be alone.”

“Honest.”

“Always.”

“Kay.”

I opened my eyes. The gray was standing in the afternoon sun. A gentle breeze blew through his mane. He was handsome and elegant. “Well if he doesn’t get here in time I guess I’ve always got you.”

He looked up to me a nickered. “Okay handsome we are going to the Olympics.”

He raised his head in the fall air and whinnied. His ears flickered back and forth. He listened for a reply, then walked over to me when I didn’t answer him. “Oh I thought you were talking to the herd.” I mumbled.

He rubbed his forehead on me.

“She promises someone is there for me.”

His brown eyes seemed to absorb me, asking if I was okay.

“We’re going to be just fine.” I whispered then stood up. “Let’s start the future.”

He flipped his head almost as if to say we saw eye to eye.

I put my left foot in the stirrup and ground my teeth hard. I swung up, “Okay maybe after the knee surgery.”

He nickered.

“What are we waiting for?”

“Hey Becks.”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t give up on Love.”

“Okay.”

I moved the gray into a trot and worked my way back home.

Push through the pain to forgiveness

Unbridled Happiness: The Beginning

It stung a little bit when I had to wait for him to pass so I could turn into work’s parking lot. It was my punishment for snoozing the alarm clock. I sighed closed my eyes hoping he wasn’t looking at me and counted to ten. The headlights passed by and I opened my eyes. He was in the rear view mirror, right where he should be. I sighed, “Handsome, my dear you torture me so.”  I parked my car in the parking lot and thought for a moment, “wait, it’s okay.” I shut the car off and walked into work. “No pain, wait what’s this.” I thought to myself. “Over him.” I realized. It rushed to me hard. It was the final ending to my hanging on. So this afternoon when I realized he had unfriended me on Facebook I was okay with that decision. “Guess we can’t be friends.” I thought to myself.

I sat down in the backroom and starred at my phone. There was a lingering text from Bowman, one that I hadn’t dealt with because my heart was too broken. “Okay.” I mumbled as I opened the text. “You’re my dream girl baby.”

I sighed as I stared at it. “I may be over him, but I’m NOT over you.” I mumbled. I closed the text and stared at the clock on the wall. The tears were welling.

I dialed D, feeling weak.

“Hey sweetheart. What’s up?” His voice was comforting.

“Well I’m over Handsome but not Bowman.” I mumbled

“Oh that’s progress.” He said. “Remember what I told you about running back to Bowman.”

“We need not worry about that, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want me back.” I mumbled.

This evening I sat staring out at the already darkened sky. I sighed then took a drink of my whiskey. In all honesty I should have been getting ready for my party, but instead I was hanging on to Bowman. I watched as a shooting star streaked across the sky. “One more wish.” That’s what I did, made one last wish. It wasn’t the same one I made on my birthday. It wasn’t a wish I had ever made before. It was a new wish, the wish that I honestly want.

My phone rang but I ignored it. I sat listening and watching. Then as quickly as I had wished it, it washed over me. Unbridled Happiness. I sighed, took another drink and thought about the future, the happiness that will be there. The continuation of the New Life. The new path I’ve chose and what I’ve decided to leave behind.

I’m leaving behind the worrying about other people’s opinions of me. I’m leaving behind my ex husband, Handsome, and maybe Bowman. I’m leaving behind every unhappy moment I’ve ever had. I’m leaving the pain, heartache, questions, and a small part of me wants to leave behind the hoping.

What I’m running to. An education, a chance to follow my dreams, and maybe somewhere along the line I will find Mr. Right. I made a statement last year, “If I meet Mr. Right he’s just going to have to wait.” But I don’t really want him to wait; I want him to ride along with me. I want him there to help me untangle the knots. I want him cheering for me as I make it into the Pro Circuit. But if Mr. Right isn’t ready to be with me, if Fate isn’t ready for him to step into my life, then that’s okay to. I’ll make it on my own, I’ve been a fighter from day one, and I’ll fight like Hell now. Cause I gained Unbridled Happiness tonight, and I plan on keeping it.

But “I’m still not over you.”

There is yet time for you to take a different path.

Birthday Gift to Myself

It took a little note from one of my girls for me to remember it was my birthday today. I never forget my own birthday. But for some reason this year I did. It’s odd to think that on this day last year I decided I wasn’t happy. It’s been a year, and theoretically my heart should be healed enough to give to someone, except I kind of ruined that a couple weeks ago.

I decided that rather then a physical present this year I’d give myself something else, happiness. I’m making the real changes, not just talking about it, because I deserve to be happy. Today I won’t be heartbroken, even though I want to be. Today I won’t cry myself to sleep, because I choose to be happy. But there is one thing that I can’t change, the missing, that’s just something I’m going to have to learn to be happy through, no matter how much it hurts.

I made a wish today on a shooting star. Made me feel like a kid, maybe since it’s my birthday the Archer will decide to let me have it. But then again maybe he doesn’t have control over those kinds of things.

From The Saddle: The Haunting

The dream is more of a nightmare; it’s one that comes often and wakes me up from a dead sleep. It’s not really a dream; it’s a vivid memory that will always be with me. I can remember and feel everything that happened, even in my sleep.

It usually starts in the barn aisle.

“Just one more hole.” I grunted as I tightened the girth. The blood bay sucked his breath in hard. “Come on Gospel, stop it.”

Kell came around the corner with her almost identical horse. She smiled at me, “He being a pain?” She asked.

“He’s being an asshole.” I mumbled then reached up to adjust his bridle, “Just being you huh.” He flipped his nose and slobbered.

Kell laughed, “Good luck Becks.”

I smiled at her, “Good luck to you.”

She turned her horse around and walked down the aisle. I watched her go.

It was her first semi pro show. It was the first time she’d ever shown Kooper, we didn’t know that in six months time she’d be standing with him in the paddock as he took his last breath.

“Okay jerk. Let’s go.” I said as I swung up into the saddle. Mom had made her way to the grandstands waiting, video camera in hand, for my class to come up. I adjusted my stirrups and rode Gospel over to the warm up ring.

He was tense, anxious, his usual self. On a normal day he’d work himself out of it, it just took a couple of practice jumps for him to get his head on straight. The ring steward opened the gate and I trotted him into the heavy sand. “Let’s work.” I whispered.

He flipped his head but complied when asked for a canter. He fought the bit, it wasn’t unusual. I relaxed into the saddle as I worked him on the outside of the arena. Kell was jumping Kooper and I didn’t want to interfere. Kooper was nervous horse, he was a worrier; he didn’t need me and Gospel to interfere.

She noticed I was fighting Gospel and hollered across the arena, “Go ahead Becks!”

I waved to her and pushed him into the line up of jumps. “If only if only the wood pecker sighs,” I quietly sung to him. His ears flickered but his neck muscles relaxed. I rode him hard into the first jump, when I knew he wasn’t going to deny I relaxed. I was in my stirrups and out of his mouth, but I could feel through the leather reins he was playing with the bit. “The bark on the trees was as soft as the skies.” We were over the first jump. I relaxed into the saddle and pointed him to the next jump. “Hungry and lonely the wolf waits below.”

Some times I can wake myself up here, but if I can’t the dream will continue.

We’d warmed up, Kell and Kooper stood next to us. “Beck you’re up.” Our trainer hollered from the gate. I smiled over to Kell, “here goes nothing.” I mumbled.

“Knock their socks off!” She called after me as I trotted him into the arena.

The jingle of the metal filled the arena. I saluted the judge then circled Gospel. He wasn’t worked up, I wasn’t worried. I’d walked the course, knew how many lyrics it was going to take to get to the jumps. It was in the bag, or so I thought.

Gospel had a beautiful way of moving. It was almost as if he floated. His four white stockings always gleamed against his dark bay coat. He was my trainer’s horse, Kooper was his older brother. When they stood in the paddock together it was often hard to distinguish the difference, you had to get up close to see that Kooper had one black hoof, the front right one, where his sock had a hole in it, or so we joked.

The smell of the heavy dirt filled my nose and instantly congested me. I tightened my reins as we cantered into the first jump. It was the easiest of the course, a straight four bar jump. “If only if only.” I hummed. I was up in my stirrups and out of his mouth. He tucked nicely and we were clear of the jump. I looked over to the next, it required a hard left. So left we went. He was relaxed.

Gospel and I had a volatile relationship. My trainer had put me on him for a reason; I was the only one who would put up with his mood swings. He had a tendency to be explosive, if he wasn’t feeling the course he’d set his feet and away the rider would go. I was the only one who knew how to keep him going. I had figured the secret out by accident. The first time he sunk his heels I had hummed to myself to keep the nerves out of my head. The second I began humming he picked his feet up and jumped. We hadn’t had a problem since.

Six jumps into the course he was fighting me. I was singing quietly, I’d changed songs to Rockstar. “I’m going to trade this life for fortune and fame.” I jiggled the bit in his mouth. “I’m going to date a playboy bunny.” We were almost to the last jump when he exploded. “I’ll take a quesadilla.” He took the bit and sunk his heels, he slid into the jump. I lost my balance and fell to the left of him. My knee hit the top of the standard ramming it hard. My body flipped and caught the jump cup in my hip. I fell in between the bars and blacked out.

I usually wake up right there. I’d spent a few days in the hospital. My knee had been repaired as much as possible, but the doctors wanted to replace it. They practically begged me. I didn’t have it done, and now I’m paying for it.

The accident was the worst I’ve ever been in. I very easily could have lost my life. They say I rolled out from the jump and wanted to get back on. I guess Gospel had returned to me and tried to fight off people who had come to help me. He was an odd horse; he was almost like a dog.

The trainer sold him a couple of weeks after the accident. As much as I despised that horse it hurt to see him go. His current owner has the same problem with him; he sinks his heels on her. She decided he’s going to be a dressage horse; I’m interested to see where that takes them. In the mean time I’m having my knee fixed, I’m looking for a world class jumper, and keeping my eyes on the Olympic gold.

The New Life: Remember the Archer

Beans smiled at me over her coffee. “The protection of the archer.” She whispered.

I nodded. “I remember.”

She cocked her head to the side, “Really? I’ve been following you and it seems as if you’ve forgotten.”

I sighed and looked out the picture window and watched the pines across her yard. “I did.” I whispered.

“Don’t lose faith. He’s out there. Who knows things may change with the one you thought was the one.” She said as she kept her eyes on me.

I shook my head, “I think he’s long gone. He’s like the mustang you turn back onto the range, he runs and runs but never stops to look back and remember the sweet feed in the corral.”

She quietly chuckled to herself, knowing exactly what I was talking about.

My eyes met hers. “I thought being alone was the scariest part about this. But oddly enough I’m not scared of that.”

She nodded, “Don’t ever be scared of being alone. It’s practically impossible.”

I laughed, “I know. I’m okay being alone, I was before and I’ll be now. It’ll be okay. I just wish I didn’t have to be alone.”

We sat in silence for awhile. I stared at my creamy coffee, she’d gotten heavy handed, like always with the creamer. “What are you scared of?” She asked.

“Spiders, your coffee straight, and shutting my fingers in the car door.” I mumbled.

She laughed, “Well I’m glad you still have a sense of humor.”

I smiled at her, “I’m scared that I’ll never love someone the way I do him.”

“Did.”

“What?” I asked.

“Shouldn’t you say did rather then do?” She asked.

I shook my head no, “I’ll always love him.”

She leaned back in her chair, “I know what you mean. My second husband, I still very much love him.” She closed her eyes; I knew she was picturing him. “There is a part of me that always will.” She opened her eyes, “But I’ve found someone to love more, and know what, I honestly love him more. If it hadn’t been for my ex I wouldn’t know how to love someone.”

I stared at her thinking. “I honestly think he’s the other half of my soul.”

She shrugged and grabbed her coffee, “If he is then things will change. If he isn’t he’ll be like that horse and keep on running.”

It grew quiet again. “The other night, the way he looked at me. I’ll never forget it.” I whispered as the tears welled. “I could see how we used to be in his eyes, I could see the good times and the bad. But mostly I still saw the spark.” I whispered.

“You aren’t going to change fate. He is the only one who can stop himself from running. Give it some time and take a breath. If it’s meant to be then everything is going to be okay. I’m pretty sure he still thinks about you. It’s hard to believe he doesn’t.” She reached out for my hand, “Time is the only thing that will heal this wound.”

I nodded, “I just wish the time was over and everything was good again.”

She smiled, “Listen to me. Go to Omaha. Don’t think of it as running away; think of it as running to. You’re running to a better education and a better future.”

“Yeah. But that’s the other thing. He thinks he’s holding me back.”

“Oh.” She sighed as she retracted her hand, “There that may be the answer.”

I cocked my head to the side, “what?”

“If he really loves you he doesn’t want to stop you from your dreams, he doesn’t want to stop you from becoming what you want to be.” She said, “He thinks he’s looking out for you.” She thought for a moment, “But that’s not really a reason. Who says he can’t be there while you seek your future.”

I shrugged, “Beans. I think he and I are at two different points in our lives. I think that’s the simple answer.”

She nodded. “Either way, under the protection of the Archer what you seek will find you.”

“I just need the Archer to take the pain away.” I whispered.

“Then ask for it.” She said with a smile. “Don’t be scared Becks. The future is out there. But promise me you won’t let this one wound turn you cold.”

I thought about it for a minute, “Okay.”

“Good. Now go find your future. Give him some time, he may surprise you.” She said clearly.

“Who, Bowman or the Archer?” I asked.

“Who says that means either. Maybe it’ll be both.” She said with a cocky, knowing, smile.

“Beans. What do you see?” I asked, knowing she sometimes had the gift of seeing the future.

“Lots of sunshine. Don’t forget the archer.” She said with a smile. “He’s always there.”

The New Life: One Rein Stop

I sat with D in the front yard. The fire pit was roaring in front of us. He’d come up for deer season, but by the amount of whiskey we’d both already consumed I knew we weren’t getting up early. “Glad you came.” I said with a smile.

“No problem. I hope you find your buck tomorrow.” He said then took a swig of his straight whiskey.

“That has to burn.” I mumbled as I rolled mine around in my hand.

“You do it too.” He retorted, “Sometimes straight out of the bottle. Don’t deny it I’ve seen you do it!”

“Yeah but I don’t take big swigs like that.” I mumbled.

He laughed, “So how did yesterday go? He show up at the range?”

I nodded thinking about the mess of last night, “tore me to pieces.”

“He did?” He asked.

“No. Just seeing him, the circle of the conversation we had made it worse.” I mumbled then took a drink. The whiskey filled my nose then slid down my throat and burned. I stared at the fire. “Sucks.” I whispered.

“Just when you’re starting to heal.” D mumbled back.

I nodded. “But I guess it’s time to move on. He’s not willing to stop running.” I paused then looked over to D, “I remember the first time I did a one rein stop. It was shortly before I was in my riding accident, same damn horse.” I paused as I imagined the blood bay, “We were in a circuit show. He spooked and clamped down on the bit.” I leaned back in the chair and took another drink of my whiskey, “I reached down on the left and pulled, just enough to slow him. It took a little bit but he eventually stopped.” I said closing my eyes. “Everything was okay after that.” The tears were beginning to form.

It was quiet for a little bit, I listened to the fire pit and fought the tears and memories. “Beck.” He whispered.

I cut him off “The thing about a one rein stop is sometimes you flip the horse and more then likely you get hurt. Hurt bad.” I trailed off.

He sighed, “You just have to know how much pressure to put on.”

I nodded. “I was once told that if a one rein stop didn’t work your last resort was to watch out for the yucca plants and bail.” I looked over at D and half heartily smiled. “Should I bail?” I asked him.

He leaned back in his chair and looked up at the pitch black sky, “I can’t tell you that. But I can tell you that when I first learned to ride a motorcycle I was taught that if you ever get into a wreck stay with the bike.”

I nodded then looked down at my whiskey. “I had a friend in high school that was drinking whiskey. He blew it into the fire then inhaled really quickly, burned his face, nostrils and throat.”

D stared at me, “Wow that was a real change of subject.”

I smiled, “sometimes you have to change leads.”

He nodded. “What does that mean?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Watch out for the yucca plants.” He said with a smile.

“I’m more worried about the barbed wire fence.”

He nodded, “I think it’s funny how you relate everything to training horses.”

I laughed, “Well I am a horse trainer.”

“And a damn good one. Don’t ever doubt that.” He said with a smile.

We sat in silence for a little while. “I’m getting my knee done.”
“I know.” He said quietly.

“What happens if I don’t recover and don’t make it to the Olympics?” I mumbled staring straight ahead.

He sighed, “Your going to make it.”

The New Life: The Sportster

I sunk down onto the couch. Bella jumped up next to me, put her front paws on my leg and laid her silver head on the back of the couch. “If she bothers you just tell her to get down. Want a beer or something?” He asked as he walked into the kitchen.

“Just a coke.” I called after him.

“I’ve got some whiskey.” He said.

I snorted, “Yeah my whiskey.”

“Oh no that’s long gone, pretty good stuff.” He said as he came back into the living room.

I glared at him.

“I’m kidding.”
“Just a coke please.”

“Tequila still kicking you?” He asked as he disappeared again.

“Yes.” I moaned. Bella grunted, upset I was ignoring her. “Lay down.” I crooned. She sighed then curled up on the corner cushion of the couch.

D came back into the room and her ears perked. He handed me the Coke and then sat down in the lazy boy across from me. “How’s the knee?” He said as he popped the top of his Coke.

I shook my head, “Still attached.”

He smiled, “Still having the surgery?”

“Yeah, in January. I may change surgeons since I’ll be here.” I said with a sigh already dreading it.

“Well maybe if you change surgeons you can get in sooner.”  He said.

I stared at the cold coke in my hand. “Maybe.”

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

I fought the tears back. “Nothing.”

He sighed, “Liar.”

“It’s just the tequila hangover.” I said in a whisper. Bella squirmed so that her head could touch my knee.

“Becks.” He whispered.

“You don’t understand. It doesn’t matter I still love him.” I said as the tears started again. “It’s been a few days since I cried and I just had to go and text him last night.”

He leaned back in his chair. “You know my opinion about this.”

I sighed, “I know, but that doesn’t stop my heart. It doesn’t heal the pain.”

He closed his eyes, “I hate this.”

“What?” I asked.

“You in pain. If he honestly loved you he’d realize you’re in pain and that you still love him and want to fix things. Beck don’t fool yourself, I think he’s over it.”

I shook my head, “I don’t know. He won’t say.”

“Either way you need to be over this too.” He said in almost a whisper.

I closed my eyes, “No matter what I say or do I can’t recover.”

We sat in silence for awhile. I eventually opened my Coke and recovered from the tears. I rubbed Bella’s foot as she stretched out.

“She’s a pest sometimes.” He said.

“I don’t mind. Have you met my two?”

He laughed. “Yeah.”

“So I know that new bike is around here somewhere. I have to assume that’s why you brought me here.” I said as I sat my Coke down on the coffee table.

He smiled, “You think so huh.”

“You called me Friday and told me that the bike was mine. Don’t play with me.”

He laughed, “Fine. Come on.” He stood up. Bella leapt to her feet and trotted beside him starring up at him. I stood up and followed them.

We trekked through the gourmet kitchen, designed by his mother, through the laundry room into the garage. He closed the door behind me. I admired the Dodge and Harley memorabilia around the garage as the florescent lights flickered on.

“It’s over here.” He said motioning.

I followed him around the Jeep he’d been “rebuilding” for two years now over to where the motorcycle collection sat. I laid my hand on the gleaming Husker red Road King, “When did you get the Pan Head?” I asked as I stared at the bike in pieces on the floor.

He chuckled, “Well that ones a long story. I got it a couple weeks ago, I was supposed to rebuild it but the guy’s wife told him to sell it. So since I was already rebuilding it I just bought it, figured I’d find someone to buy it once it’s done.”

“You and your rebuilding projects.” I said motioning over to the Jeep.

“Hey now.”

“What. Honestly two years to rebuild a Jeep?” I said with a laugh.

He rolled his eyes.

“So a couple of weeks ago you told me you bought a new bike, is this it?” I said as I moved over to the black bike next to the Road King.

“Yeah.” He said. “I traded the Road Glide in for it.”

I nodded, “I was just going to ask you where it was. So what is this bike?” I asked.

“A Harley.”

“No shit Sherlock.” I mumbled.

“It’s a Fat Boy.”

“I haven’t seen one in person.” I mumbled as I admired the bike.

“It’s okay. I’m pretty impressed you recognize a Road King and a Pan Head.” He said as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“Well Bowman did teach me a thing, maybe two.” I said with a smirk.

“Oh geeze.” He said rolling his eyes. “This one over here,” he paused, “is the one we bought.”

I smiled, “We.”

“Well kinda. I figured I’d make the first few payments on it. Kind of a bribe for coming home.” He said with a smile as he took the cover off.

The gleaming blue Sportster I had been pining over said hello. I caught my breath in my chest.  I’d spent an outrageous amount of money on it, but I was happy, I had a bike of my own.

“Promise your going to ride it.” He said.

“I promise.”

“Good, then you may need this.” He walked over to his tool box and dug through the top drawer. He walked back to me with an envelope in hand. “Classes. I’m a good teacher but you’re going to need some professional help. Besides when you are done you’ll have your license and be in Sturgis with the boys.”

I smiled, “D you are the best.”

“I want one more promise.” He said as he handed me the envelope.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“No more tears.”

I met his eyes and paused, “It’ll be hard.”

“That’s what this bike is for, a distraction.”

I laughed, “I’ll try my hardest.”

He nodded in agreement. “Give him some time.”

“Kay.” I said as I starred at the Sportster, the new love of my life.

I took this picture the very first time I met this bike.
 It's been on my mind since then.

The New Life: Straight Tequila

There are two drinking nights that you want to watch out for. The mild one is straight whiskey nights, those happen a lot and they aren’t much to worry about, it’s the straight tequila that you have to watch. Those nights are rare, maybe once a year. They are the nights when I can’t cope, the nights when I need honest answers, the nights when I really don’t care.

Tequila has some ruthless side effects on me. It gets me drunk really fast, it takes away my filter; with straight tequila I throw all my cares away. But it does have one up to it; it makes me see things in a bright, clear, and honest light. I become not only honest about myself, my life, but other peoples lives. I become a life coach, a real Doctor Phil.

Last night was a straight tequila night. One shot after another the girls kept throwing them my way. So the good drinker I am I kept pouring them down. I lost count after eight.

The bright, white, honest light came then. It shone on everything I went through these last couple of weeks. Starting with the break up with Handsome; I should have taken some time to heal over that, I shouldn’t have rushed so eagerly into a new relationship, no matter how great it was. After I had set that aside and reached some inner peace with it I remember a glass of Coke and Jameson, probably because Ash noticed I needed to slow it down.

Then came everything with Bowman. I thought about where we started, that was okay moving from friends to a relationship. I searched through everything and couldn’t find the point he thinks I’m lying about. In my Dr. Phil mode I apparently texted him. I read through the texts, they are classic tequila. They don’t make sense, they don’t argue my case, except for two of them. Those were purely honest. The one I had sent at round two that opened the conversation, and one of the last ones, the one about why I am moving to Omaha.

I learned that no matter what I say or do I’ll never be over him. My heart will always want him and regret how things went. No matter whom I find in life I will probably always love him. Maybe that’s what it’s supposed to be like; maybe that is God’s plan. But I do know that some answers from him would be nice, maybe then I could really begin to heal.

Straight Tequila has one more nasty effect, morning puke…

The New Life: The Always Present Corgis

The last couple of days I’ve been sick. Let’s call it the stomach flu. My corgi’s, who normally love everyone but me have been very lovable. Almost obsessive. I came home from work today exhausted and feeling worse then yesterday, but they were right there, waiting at the door for me.

Addie and Cody, summer '11

Adalade, Addie, never sleeps with me. If given the option she sleeps in her kennel or on the floor. She's never been a cuddler. But over the last couple of days she's begun to snuggle with me at night. It may just be the winter coming, or it may be her knowing I don't feel well either way I'm happy. I love having a snuggle bug.

Addie, Summer '10

Kodiak, Cody, has always been a snuggler, ever since he first came home. But he's become independent most of the time. He's the man of the house, and he knows it. He's protective of me, but he liked Bowman, and only Bowman. He's annoyed by The Big D, and extremely unhappy when other men enter the house. He's my protector, my man.

Cody, Summer '10

I adore my corgis. They were with me through the divorce. They can't not love me, they are pretty much stuck. I've been silly to think I'm going through this alone. My babies will always be with me. My always present corgis.

The New Life: New Direction

I shivered as I looked across the lake. I stood on the edge starring at the ducks that were ignoring me. I sighed and sat down on the bank. I watched the trees dance in the chilling fall day. I wrapped my coat closer to me and closed my eyes.

Thinking about the emotional wreck I’ve been lately made my heart sting. Thinking about the fact that in 14 days I’ll be 22 and celebrating another birthday alone, made it hurt worse. I opened my eyes and watched the fall sandhills around me. The ducks quietly chatted amongst themselves. I decided I need a little bit of direction.

So I’ve been thinking about it, thinking about who I’ve been for the last couple of months. I decided the Becks that was here, isn’t going to be the Becks that is here next year. So I started making some goals, setting some direction. I started the list, I’m sure it will grow but here is a start.

Life Goals:

1. Find a job that I enjoy. One that I want to do; one that I look forward to every morning.
2. Figure out how to make myself happy, not depend on someone else doing it

Fun Goals:

1. Get back into the show ring
2. Take a motorcycle class and buy my own bike
3. Get Luna started

Relationship Goals:

1. Find someone to have fun with and just enjoy having fun
2. Don’t worry about getting married or the future, it’ll happen when the time is right

The New Life: My Breakup Song

“Went and got my hair cut,
Got a tattoo
Nothin' lady-like
Wasn't even thinkin' 'bout you
Cause I'm bulletproof” 

I’ve changed over the past couple of days. I used to hand by bow off when I needed something adjusted. But yesterday and this evening I did it myself, and got it spot on, it only took two tries. I used to be worried about what other people were thinking, how they felt about me. But today I stepped up and owned myself. I’m a bitch when I want to be and a lady when I’m at my best. That’s Me tough shit. If you don’t like it Adios.

“I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger”

Today I didn’t cry once, not even when I was asked how he was doing. I’ve decided that no matter what I’m done crying. He choose to leave. He thinks I’m lying. But he can’t or won’t tell me about what. It’s His choice, not mine, and I won’t let it rip my heart out of my chest. I won’t spend the time crying. No sir, not anymore.

“Can you stand to see her dancin' in somebody else's arms?
Do you think that you'll go crazy every time you see her car?
If you can't scroll by her number, not dial it on your phone
Well that's all you need to know
Don't leave her
If you can't let her go”

I’m going to do right by myself, heal my own heart. I’m going to take care of myself and never depend on someone else to do that for me. I’m going to be a bitch when I need to be, and a sweet country belle when I want to be. I’m going to be the woman I need and want to be, not the woman someone else thinks I should be.

“I'm in need of a remedy to cure me from loving you
It may sound a little extreme but I'll do what I have to do
 
Bury your jacket in my backyard
Carry your picture in my shoe
Keep walkin' til the hurtin' stops
Keep walkin' til my temperture drops
Keep walkin' til the fever is gone
And your out of my bones”

So here I am, at a cross roads. Take a left and heal my heart or take a right and scream at the top of my lungs, hoping he’ll change his mind…

“If I can get through this
I can get through that
If you cut me wide open
I can cut you some slack
If you come when I'm leaving
I might never be back
I know it's not easy
just a matter of fact

If I can get through this
I can get through anything
If I can make it through this
I can get through anything”

What a decision…

“… shotgun carryin', tobacco chewin', no good blue tick hound”

Hum… What to do…

“Mind strong, Body strong
Try to find equilibrium
Head straight, screwed on
Been screwed up for too long

I don’t want to lean on the waves
I watch the storm evaporate
I think of you in starry skies”

Let's clear this up while I decide though, I never lied to him. I loved, love, him with my whole heart, why would I have reason to lie? As a good friend put it, I'm an amazing person, I don't need to lie to draw attention to myself...

The New Life: I Promise

 It washed over me like the ocean washes over the white beaches in San Diego, sleep. I fell hard into it; I was immediately in a dream. It was still and quiet. The sun was just beginning to rise over the valley our house sits in.
I pulled my pink fleece closer to me as the cold bit at me. I heard the footsteps behind me, and then felt the hand on my shoulder. I turned my head to see Sonny standing next to me.

“Hey Baby Girl.” She said. “Give me a hug.” She wrapped me in her embrace and let me cry. “Listen. I promise you that everything is going to work out just fine. You’re going to be okay.”
I met her blue eyes. “Sonny, it hurts so bad.”
“Cancer it’s scary. Then to top of losing the man you love, well that’s just cruel, and I’m sorry it worked out that way. It shouldn’t have.” She brushed my bangs off of my forehead. “But I promise your going to be fine.”

We stood quietly for awhile as the sun rose, “Dawn was always my favorite time of day.” I mumbled.
“Yeah I know. That’s why we are here.”

The sun cracked over the hills. Through the clouds on the horizon the sun shone a brilliant purple and orange across the Sandhills range. I could see the silhouettes of the horses and hear the Sandhills Carnes welcoming the dawn.

“A new beginning.” She whispered.

I woke this morning and starred up at the leaky skylight. There was a dim light shinning in. I sighed and looked over at the clock, 10:30. I was late. I was supposed to meet D at the hotel at 8:30 so we could leave. I sighed again and pulled the blankets closer around me.

Around 11:00 there was a knock on the door. “Yeah.” I mumbled.

“Can I come in?” D asked.

“Yeah.” I mumbled again, motionless.

“Holy crap it’s freezing in here.” He mumbled as he closed the door behind him. “You going to get out of bed today?” He asked.

I could smell his cologne, it warmed me. “No.” I whispered as he sat down in the chair by the dresser.

“Why?” He asked. “Thought we were going to Deadwood.”

“I’m not ready to be on a bike yet.” I mumbled.

“Oh.” He said.

We sat quietly for awhile. Tears were gently rolling down my cheeks into my hair. My chest hurt.

“I do believe my heart has physically broke.” I mumbled.

He sighed. “We talked about this. Fuck him. If he doesn’t believe the truth he isn’t fucking worth it.” D said a little hostile.

“I know.” I sighed. It grew quiet for awhile. My mind wouldn’t slow as I tried to figure out what Bowman thought I was lying about. “It sucks.”

“That it does.” He whispered.

“I’m thinking about coming back to Omaha.” I mumbled.

He sighed, “Finally.”

“Yep.” I said sitting up in bed. I reached over and turned the light on. “I don’t think I can stay here.”

"I don’t want you to run, but, honestly Omaha has so many more opportunities.”

I nodded. “I’m thinking about going back to the show world.”

He smiled, “well in all honesty you should have never left it.”

I nodded, “I know.”

“So where you going to start?” He asked.

“I’m not sure. But I figured I’d cold call some barns, talk to some barn managers and see where it goes. If I have to clean stalls and work a couple of jobs for now, well then that’s what I’m going to do.” I said clearly.

He smiled, “I’ll help you as much as I can.”

“Thanks, but I want to do it on my own. I need to show myself that I can do what ever I want on my own.”

He smiled, “There is the woman you are supposed to be, right there in that statement.” He stood up and patted my leg. “You’re going to be just fine.”

I smiled at him. “Eventually.”

He walked over to the door. I stopped him, “Hey D.”

He turned and looked at me, “Yeah Babe.”

“Promise me I’ll be okay.”

He smiled, “Your going to be better then okay. I promise.”

The New Life: Some answers?

The Big D missed my doctor’s appointment. But I wasn’t terribly upset; he did come back with a bike. As he rolled it out of the trailer my heart leapt into my throat. I fought the tears back and tried to pretend everything was okay. “At least it’s not blue. It’s not blue. It’ll be okay.” I thought to myself.

He pulled the kick stand down and rested the bike on it. “Well.” He said proudly.

I hadn’t seen the bike since he had bought it, it had hardly been out of his garage, “It’s nice.” I mumbled worried if I talked more the tears would erupt. “But it’s a Road King.”

He sighed, “He’s not the only one who has a Road King. You gunna be like this every time you see one?” He asked.

My mind flashed to being with Bowman on his bike. I fought the memory and tried to answer D, but the tears had exploded. “Probably.” I sobbed.

“Oh Beck.” He crooned as he walked around the bike. “It’s going to be okay. You’ll be just fine no matter what he decides.” He whispered.

As he wrapped his arms around me I began to cry harder. The memories flooded me and I couldn’t fight them. “He thinks I’m playing him.” I mumbled through it.

“Are you?” He asked.

“No. We both know what the results were.” I whispered.

“Does he think your fooling around?” D asked.

“I dunno what he means by it. But D I’ve always been faithful to him.” I whispered.

We stood in silence for awhile. The scent of leather burned my eyes. “I can’t tell you what he’s thinking. But I will say this, you are an awesome woman, if he sees that and really does love you, he will trust you. He will make it right by you.”

I stepped back and dried the tears in my eyes. I starred at the red bike gleaming in the setting sun.

“Mom would have said, every bad situation has a positive, even dead clocks show the right time twice a day.”

I laughed, “Your right, she would have. My Mom said that sometimes good things have to fall apart for better things to build.”

He smiled.

I looked back to the bike and thought for a second, “I really do love him.”

“Well let’s leave it at this,” He reached out and touched my cheek, “You’re an amazing woman, whoever gets you, whether it is Bowman or someone else, they’ll be the luckiest man on Earth.” He winked at me.

I smiled, “Thanks.”

“Anytime Baby Girl. You are going to make it no matter what he decides. I promise.” He said clearly.

We stood in silence for a second. “You know what?” I asked.

“What?” He said shoving his hands in his pockets.

“The crappy thing about heartache is it doesn’t kill you, like a bullet to the heart would. It just festers. You’re forced to live through it day by day.”

“I know. But eventually it stops hurting.”

“I didn’t go through this with my divorce, not like this anyway, it wasn’t as painful.” I said as I put my hands in my pockets and played with my chap stick, a habit of mine.

He thought for a moment, “Is it possible that Bowman is your first real love?”

My eyes met his, “I love him like I’ve never loved anyone else. I love him more then my horse.”

My appointment went better then I had expected. I have a lot of confidence in Dr. Hartman. He’s an actual Oncologist. He answered my questions, showed me my mammograms and the difference between cysts and tumors. “I doubt its cancer.” He stated, “But to be safe we will biopsy it and send it to the lab your mom demanded and get clear, helpful answers.”

I’m relieved. Being left in the unknown dark has left me scared. It’s shaken me and shaken me hard. I couldn’t answer questions because I didn’t know the answer myself.

As for the Bowman situation. I love him with my every being. But if he can’t trust me, if he wont be there for the doctors appointments. Then how can I know he’ll be with me in the future. He’s a good guy, when we are good we are great. But I can’t force him to be with me. I can’t force him to believe me, I can provide him with all the evidence possible, however should I really have to?

D is here for the weekend. We will see how it goes getting on his bike. I’m not sure that my heart is ready for that. I’m not sure I’m ready to deal with the memories right now, they are still to fresh, they only make the pain worse. But I’ve wrapped my heart in gauze and lace, put it back in its velvet lined box, and now I’ll let it heal. And that’s that…

The New Life: Extended Family

The coldness came quickly last night. It settled in my joints and my bones. It hurt and hurt hard. Restlessness kept me awake. Tears made my hair cold. "This isn't working out." Seemed to be ingrained on the back of my eyelids. I shook violently as I cried. Nothing could stop it, not even the sleeping pills. But I made it until D came.

I could tell by the sound of his footsteps whom was behind me. His shadow extended across the ground next to me. He took his jacket off and laid it over my shoulders. His cologne filled my nose and warmed my cold body. He didn’t say anything he just stood there next to me.

The tears had quit, my contacts were sealed to my eyes, they were bloodshot, worse then after a night of straight whiskey. I closed my eyes and leaned my head onto my knees. My left one throbbed with pain, but I ignored it. “You wanna talk about it?” He asked.

I shook my head, “hurts.” I whispered.

He sat behind me and leaned his back to mine. I straightened and leaned against him. “I understand. I’m not going anywhere. Tell me when you can.”

We sat in silence for about thirty minutes as the afternoon grew colder. “Thought you were in Dallas.”

“Family is more important.” He said quietly.

I half heartedly smiled, “you think.”

“Yes. You are sick. You need someone to be here for you.”

“Thanks D.” I whispered. “Wish you could have met Bowman.” I fought the tears back as his name fell from my mouth.

“Well.” He said. “I dunno Beck. I just don’t understand.”

“I don’t either.” I whispered as I watched the geese land on the lake. The dry summer grass moved slowly in the fall breeze. Over to the right the golden cottonwood leaves floated to the ground. “I don’t either.” I repeated.

“Que sera, sera.” He whispered.

I laughed. “Yeah.”

“Besides your bulletproof. Right?”

I snorted, “If only.”

“Well at least that was a sort of laugh.” He said.

We sat quietly for awhile as I fought trying to think about Bowman. I watched the autumn hills and wished for the days when everything would be okay, the days when life would be easy, the days when the answers came.

“Let’s take a ride this weekend.” He said. “I can fly home tonight and bring a bike up tomorrow morning. We can go where ever you damn well please.”

I closed my eyes and thought about being on a bike. “I’m not ready for that.” I whispered.

He sat quietly for awhile. “The offer stands.” He mumbled.

I crossed my legs underneath me. “Thanks for coming.”

“I promised you that no matter what I would be there. When I said it I meant it. This breakup had horrible timing. But you are a tough ranch girl. You’ll get back in the saddle and find someone new.”

I sobbed, “I don’t want someone new.”

He sighed, “Beck maybe, and I mean maybe, he will change his mind. Maybe he will show you he really does love you.”

“Maybe.” I weakly whispered.

“In the meantime, take care of yourself. Work on healing that big heart of yours. Work on finding who your meant to be. Your never alone, no matter what.” He whispered.

I pulled his coat around me. “Okay D.”

“Mom would want you to stay strong.” He said. “I can’t lose both of you to cancer.” He whispered.

“I’m not going to die.” I whispered.

“No, no your not.” He said. “I won’t let that happen.”

“Thanks for being my big brother.” I whispered

“Anytime Baby Girl, any time.”

It grew quiet. The sound of the geese chattering filled the air. I listened to a train rummbling down at Antioch, left in amazment how sound traveled. I wondered if a heart breaking made a sound.

"I'll need some leathers." I whispered.

I could hear him smile, "Where we goin?"

"Somewhere where it doesn't hurt."

"Hum... we got some options." He stated.

The New Life: Side Effects of Fear

Fear has some odd side effects on me. It makes me snappy and impatient. It settles deep into my joints and aches. It makes me look ten years older and feel about 100 years old. Maybe that’s the side effects it has on everyone, but for me it seems to be magnified.

Last night I let the fear absolutely grab a hold of me. I let it make me snappy. I let it be taken out on Bowman… something I shouldn’t have done. He doesn’t deserve it.

I buried my head into the grays mane. He sighed and touched his nose to my knee, letting me know he was there. I sobbed hard as fear and loss of hope filled me. I heard the truck door close before I realized he had snuck up on me. Pecos Bill touched my shoulder, “I heard.” He whispered.

I turned and leaned into him. He embraced me and I cried hard. Pecos Bill has always been a father to me. He was the first one to take me pheasant hunting; He spent afternoons in the saddle with me. We’d talk on the phone while I was going through my divorce. “You’ll be okay sweetie.” He whispered.

“I’m scared.” I whispered.

“I understand that.” Sweet Cheeks touched the small of my back and played with my shirt. “You’ve got a lot of love around you. God won’t do you wrong.”

“It’s not just the cancer.” I took a step back and rubbed the grays neck. We stood in silence for awhile. “I really screwed up with Bowman.” I mumbled.

Pecos Bill shoved his hands in his pockets. “Oh Becks.”

I nodded. “Pecos, I can’t lose him too.” I sobbed.

“Give him some time. This is a scary time.”

“It’s not that. I did some shitty things.”

He nodded. “Tell me.”

“I posted this dumb shit on facebook and my blog. I let the fear overtake me and I completely lost control.”

He sighed. “Beck you can’t do that.”
I nodded, “I know. I won’t do it again.”

He half heartedly smiled then rested his hand my shoulder, “give it some time.”

"When the world says give up, Hope whispers try again"

You know the really sucky thing about cancer? It doesn't wash away. You can scrub and scrub but it doesn't wash away.
I'm praying that the lab gets double negatives this time...

The New Life: D's Sleeve

I rolled over onto my stomach and dug through Bowman’s hoodie for my phone. I found it twirled it in my fingers and starred at the number on the screen, The Big D. I sighed answered the phone and laid back onto the bed.

“Hey I thought you were coming up for the party last night.” I mumbled as I rubbed my eyes.

“I’m sorry I was really busy yesterday.” He said back the sound of Omaha behind him. I could tell he was on his deck, probably playing fetch with his dog.

“To busy to come see your sister.” I said and pulled the covers back over me.

“Baby Girl I’m sorry. I worked over time, helped a pal put in some tiles, and then spent the afternoon test riding bikes.” He said. I could hear his dog scurry across the deck.

“Playing with Bella?” I asked, “Wait did you just say you were test driving bikes?”

“Yes to both.”

“D you’ve got two bikes you don’t ride.” I mumbled with a sigh.

“I think this third bike will get a lot more time put on it.” He said, possibly hinting.

I paused, “You didn’t buy me a bike did you?”

“I dunno. But I did buy a new bike.” He said. I could hear Bella’s tags clink.

“D.”

“Beck.”

I sat in silence for awhile listening to the murmured voices upstairs. “D if you bought a bike for me I will beat the crap out of you.”

“Don’t worry about it.” He said. “So how was the party?”  

As I sat on the back of Bowman’s bike this afternoon I could help but smile. There is something about being there with him that makes my blood rush hard. When he lays his hand on my knee I know everything is okay, all the doubts and worries, the stresses, they melt away. I’d love to have my own bike, but I also love riding with Bowman.

We will see what the Big D has up his sleeve. If he bought me a bike I’ll have to think really hard about if I want to accept it.

The New Life: Her Visit

She sat in the chairs that lined the back of the range behind the shooters line. Her cigarette in hand, smoke swirling gently around her. Her laugh echoed through the range as the dream started. I stood my parker in hand, the pink arrows gleaming in the florescent lights of the range. “Alright let’s see what this bow does for you.” She said.

I smiled, knocked the arrow and drew back. I settled into the shot and began to pull. The string made a twang followed by a quick echo of the arrow hitting the target.

“A little to the left, but it would be a kill shot.” She stated then took a drag of her cigarette.

 I eased the bow onto the bow stand and stared at the arrow down range. “Think I’m ready?”

She nodded. “Yep, you’ll get your deer.” She paused then smiled at me, her favorite part was coming; the motherly lecture “So now that we’ve got that sorted out tell me, what’s going on with this restlessness?”

I shrugged then sat down next to her in a yellow chair. “I couldn’t tell you honestly.”

She took another drag then exhaled. “Any suspicions?”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“Alright spill it.” She said as smoke swirled in the air.

I sighed then leaned back into the chair and crossed my arms. My pink bow shone in the lights as I starred at it, “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you in your final moments.”

She smiled, “You were, much like I’m here with you now. Beck shit happens, you were going through so much yourself. Honey I knew you were there.”

I looked over at her, “Sonny I was your daughter, I should have been right there through it all.”

She laid her hand on my knee, “Don’t beat yourself up. I understood.”

“I love you more then words can express.” I whispered.

“I love you to honey. If you ever need anything from me I’ll be there.” She said as she snuffed her cigarette out. “Looks like your doing okay right now.” She said.

I nodded.

We sat quietly for awhile. Then she asked, “How did Bowman’s birthday go?”

I looked over at her, my eyes wide, “How did you know his name?”

She smiled and winked, “I know everything.”

I leaned forward onto my knees, “You’ve always been a meddler.”

She laughed tipping her head back, “and now I’ve got a lot more access.”

I starred at her blank eyed, “Sonny.”

“Oh don’t worry I’ll stay out of it.” She paused and lit another cigarette, “Just promise me you will take it day by day and second by second.”

I stood up and smiled down at her. “I promise.”

I walked over to the shooting line and down towards my gleaming arrow. ‘Day by day.” She said behind me.

“and second by second.” I answered as I pulled my arrow.

“I’m always with you.” I could hear her say.

I turned to walk back to her, but the range was empty, her cigarette rested in the ash tray a small spiral of smoke rose from it.

“Okay Sonny.” I whispered.

Gone But Never Forgotten

Today is the anniversary of Sonny's death. Bowman and I are going hunting, in an attempt to keep my mind preoccupied. But I wanted to share some of the best advice she gave me.

“A patient heart will take you far in life.”

“Live as if there is never a tomorrow.”

“Love with your whole heart, if it’s worth the fight then fight for it.”

“Never let a man decide if you are happy or not.”

“Don’t lose hope that one day you will get where you want to be.”

“Be who you want to be, not who everyone else thinks you should be.”

 But the best was, “Your going to poke your fucking eye out if you keep anchoring there!”

I love you Sonny, I hope you’re looking down and realize I’m trying to become the woman I want to be. I hope you realize how much you influenced my life. You will never be forgotten.

October: The Pink Month

October is the pink month; it’s the month for breast cancer awareness. When I was a junior in high school I had no idea how important October would become in my life. But today as I think about how important it is now, it all started my junior year of high school.

I lost a close friend to breast cancer that year. She was my first riding instructor, my first coach, the woman who encouraged me to reach for the Olympics. She was 32 when she passed away. Her life was still full of amazing opportunities. It was all wiped away when the doctors told her that her cancer had spread too far. I remember the last time I rode with her, the chilling fall day. She was weak and could hardly mount on her own, but she did it, two weeks late we buried her.

Last year I lost Sonny. She had two different types of cancer, but the one that killed her, that was to far gone, was the breast cancer. I reeled in shock when I heard the news. I was in the midst of a divorce, unhappy, right where she had told me I would end up. I called to tell her she was right, I called to apologize. But instead I learned of her death.

Sonny was the woman who taught me that you don’t have to be what people think you should be. She encouraged me to stand on my own. She taught me how to shoot a bow and how to make it in a man’s world. But I was too young and ignorant to listen to most of her advice then. I stored it in my head, and as I’ve gone through this divorce and the following months I’ve rested on her advice a lot.

I shoot pink because of these two amazing women. I shoot pink because pink supports a cause that is so close to my heart. This month I will wear a pink ribbon around my wrist, in honor of all the women who have fought breast cancer. This month I will wear pink because it gives me hope that one day we will find a cure, one day there will be no more heartache from breast cancer.