The New Life: Where am I?

I sat in the clearing today trying to define what stage of mourning I am in. Am I angry? Am I depressed? So I made the list out:

Shock: Nope not here, that passed the first day

Denial: Nope, did that almost right away

Bargaining: Um… I’ve given up on that

Guilt: Past that point after the attempted one rein stop

Anger: Maybe.

Depression: Maybe.

Resignation: I know he won’t be back. I see and understand the reality.

Acceptance and Hope: I’m working to get there. I don’t have the hope yet and I’m not ready to understand why he ran.

It’s the two in the middle that stick to me, like cling wrap. Anger and depression. I know I’m depressed, but I’m not sure it’s over the breakup. I’m sure that is a small part of it, but I think it’s the fact I left my job because I felt I was failing. I slammed the breaks on and cut the string. I know it wasn’t the wrong decision, I was unhappy in that job, it was changing who I was and I didn’t want that. But now I have no definition, no reason to get out of bed. I’m going to have to create who I want to be, again.

I’m not sure what the remedy is for my depression. It’s not pills, it never has been. A part of the curing process is a new beginning. I’m taking steps to that starting line. I just have to get the acceptance and hope. I’ve already reached the breaking point; I’ve just got to step over the line.

D called me this evening, after I was done with my reflection. We talked about it, and then we talked about the future. He reminded me that 3D season is almost upon us. The International Horse show is in April. He’s taking me to compete in Vegas. Then he sprung it on me. “I’ll be there the whole way. We will get you through your knee surgery and every thing will be golden.”

I sat silently on the phone, my head turning in circles. “I didn’t ask you to.” I mumbled.

“Nope. I just want to be there.”

I was too stunned to think. But later I realized that when it’s all said and done I do have that love I’m looking for. I have someone to pick me up out of the dust. I have the emotional support I so desperately wanted. I thought about what Sonny told me and then it blindsided me, like a train with a silent whistle…

Hope