Moving House... okay Blog

So I've been away for awhile. Its been a long couple of months! My 23rd birthday came... and went way to fast. Momma and my man took me up to Deadwood for my birthday. I got engaged. Qualified to shoot nationals..... It's been a whirl wind.

Anyway my blog will be moving starting Dec 1st. I'll update you on a new web address in a couple of days, still have to settle on a name.

Hope you'll come along for the ride!!!!

The Letter to Dad

I reached out to my dad today... we will see what he has to say.

Post 400- A Fairy Tale Start

So I've been away for awhile. My fairy tale has finally found me and I have been so wrapped up in life and love I've hardly had the time to breathe. But today I took the time to stop and let the happiness catch up with me.

I am happy to say I have found my Knight in Shinning Armour!!!
I found him in a quiet man, who appeared to only be a friend, until one day I saw it in his eyes, until I realized he saw me as more. When he asked me to be his girl it felt natural, more natural then it's ever felt before. I realized then he was the man I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. He was the one who was there through everything and never once stepped back, he never disappeared when I needed him most.
Plus the big grey likes him, alot, and that horse never likes men!

An engagement ring has been discussed.

It took one ex husband, two bad boyfriends, one trip over love, to finally find my Knight in Shinning Armour.

We've reached it, the place where the old life has been forgotten. Where the hurt of Bowman has been forgotten, where he's become a complete stranger, and standing right here in front of me is my Knight in Shinning Armour.

Looking back I never thought I'd get here. I never thought I'd find my dream man. I couldn't for see myself being this happy. But it's here and it's far better then I could have ever imagined.

So I hope you'll hang on for the ride, it sounds as if excitement will be in the air for a long while.

XOXOXO
Becks

The New Life: An Annoying Trait

I used to love when a guy was possessive. I was happy when he let other guys know I was his. However I don’t like this trait in More.

 

Last night was the first time he and Bowman have been in the same vicinity with me around since a shoot earlier this spring. The second More realized who Bowman was he was instantly attached to me. He threw a fit when I informed him I wasn’t done shooting when he was, that I wasn’t ready to go home, and that I wasn’t ready for dinner.

He whined and kept shooting. Then he got his call for work and the fight was on. Eventually I caved knowing it wasn’t worth fighting over..

 

It’s charming that More feels the need to protect me. However I’m not his girl, I’m not his worry, and Bowman has turned into just another guy……

Luna is sick. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. She's my baby girl and I don't know what I'll do if I lose her.

The New Life: Not All That Glitters

I laid down in the dark grass and stared up at the stars. My heart was aching in my chest, I knew things were wrong, of balance, off center, just outright wrong. I opened my heart and prayed. “Our Father who Art in Heaven.”

I paused thinking of what I wanted to say, knowing he could understand it all. “Lord all I want is my best friend. That’s all I need. The man who will put himself on the line, I feel him calling me but I’m unable to see him.”

I listened quietly to the night around me as I prayed for an answer. It was quiet and not quite what I hoped to hear, “Patience my child, and rest in my word that soon it will all be alright.”

Closing my eyes I rolled over onto my side and cried. Wishing for the man I wanted to be with for eternity, praying he’d manifest out of the cold summer’s night. Eventually I fell asleep in the lawn.

When I woke the next morning my heart was lighter, my breath came easier, my mind was at ease. I kissed my bug, looked up to the sky and thanked the Lord for a better day...

The Sportster: Not Sturgis

I heard the bikes working their way up the oil trail before I could see them. I leaned back in the blue chair, knowing that my lawn was soon to be turned into a mini Sturgis. One by one the bikes became visible as they turned up the driveway, D’s new truck and trailer bringing up the rear. “One, two, three, four, five, six, and seven,” I mumbled as I counted them all.

“Are we ready for this?” Gma asked.

I sighed, “hope so.”

Before I knew it the bikes were parked, the tents were up, and the coolers were stocked. As I sat in the chair watching the progression I couldn’t help but wonder why D had elected to bring the truck and the big trailer, other then to hold the gear. Blue smiled at me, “ready for this?”

I sighed, “I hope so.”

He chuckled and took my hand, “come on I got a surprise.” He drug me over to the trailer where he let the ramp down. Nestled nicely next to D’s Road King sat a familiar bike. She was now a dark black with a cool blue stripe, my logo scrolled across the gas tank. Tears welled in my eyes as they rolled it off the trailer.

My eyes met Charming’s, “thank you.” I whispered.

I wrapped my arms around D’s neck, “thank you so much.”

He embraced me as my emotions spilled out, “you are most welcome Baby Girl.”

Charming smiled at me, I knew he recognized the change in me. I knew the world was quietly changing around me. That my life was finally on tack, and that maybe, just mybe things were going to change for the better.

 

Where have you been?

The simple answer away...

I've been playing golf, shooting my bow, riding and showing my horses,and even working on the motorcycle. These last two weeks have been crazy, but I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world!
I've finally learned who I'm meant to be and I'm incredibly happy. It's probably been the best summer of my life.....

A Bowhunter's Legacy: The 414

Saturday was off to a rough start at the R100. I missed the first target, dropped the arrow completely out of the animal, simply because I didn't want to trust my pins. For whatever reason I was convinced that they were just a little low. They weren't and after a 0 two 5s and an 8 I realized it was all my imagination.

The group decided to shoot the African Safari side the first day, and it's a good thing we did. It was hot but with the breeze it was bearable. However the course was a longer hike and it would not have been bearable if we had done it the second day.

The score after day one was a measly 337 out of 600.

Day two was an easier start. With two 10s and three 12s right out of the box I knew I was cooking. I was able to relax into the shoot and simply enjoy life. I loved being surrounded with my family and shooting with them. Through it all I realized it was where I needed to be. The decision about moving struck me as I shot my last target. I suddenly knew that not only would I improve shooting I knew my life as a whole would improve, that I'd be able to get back on track.

Day two ended with a 414 out of 600.

I didn't shoot dead last either day and I was only 45 points behind the leader of day 2. I'm happy with my progress and happy with the conclusions I've come to. I'll be leaving Hometown as soon as I can find myself a better job...

The Sportster: Getting Back in the Saddle

My “family” came into my life shortly after my divorce, two bothers Big Poppa and a second Momma. They’ve been there for me through the ups and downs. They come and ride with D and I, they were there at the hospital the second they heard about my accident. Plus they are my shooting buddies; they always manage to keep me on track!

Big Poppa has been encouraging me to ride again; he’s been a lot more assertive about it in the past couple of weeks. This weekend he finally caved my defense.

Big Poppa looked over his glasses at me, “you ass is getting on so just shut up.”

I sighed and stared at my helmet in my hands, “I’m scared.”

He smiled at me, “Don’t be. You’ll be riding with me.”

My brother smiled at me, “nobody better to ride with then Dad.”

I sighed and slipped my helmet on.

“Atta girl.” They said in unison.

I swung my leg over and smiled for the picture. I was uncomfortable and nervous. Poppa’s bike isn’t as comfortable as the touring bikes, but I found myself comfortable and at ease once we got on the highway.

Eventually my nervousness worked out of me and I was able to relax on the bike. It was then the fever caught me, the need and want to be back on the Sportster. When we stopped in Hastings for lunch dad asked about the bike, “how’s progress?”

“Slow.” I groaned as I stared at my coke, “Charming only has so much time to work on it, and I’m kinda thinking he’s being slow to keep in touch with me.”

“What does D say?” Big Poppa asked.

“He’s irritated.” I said softly, “But he won’t say anything because they are all friends.”
Poppa nodded and Brother stared at me, “I see your hunger again.” He said softly.

“Yes.” I said smiling up at Brother, “yes it has.”

Poppa reached across the table and laid his hand on mine, “Welcome back Baby Girl.”

Back from Vacation! Got lots of things to share but I'm way to tired right now!

Dear You... The Goodbye

It’s been coming for awhile now. I just had to know in my own heart that it was the right decision for me. I want to say goodbye, I guess I never really did after the breakup, and maybe that is what’s been so difficult for me to cope with.

I no longer want to harbor bitterness in my soul, just an understanding that you couldn’t offer me what I needed when I needed it, and it’s not your fault or mine, it’s just how it was supposed to be. I honestly wish that things could have been different, that the friendship we had built would have sustained us through our hard times. But apparently we hadn’t cemented our foundation soundly, because it collapsed the first time it was tested.

In hindsight I did lean on you to much, and I have no excuse only an apology for it. I’m sorry for anything I ever did that hurt you, no matter how minor the pain. I’m sorry that my own selfish attitude got in the way and that I only saw I needed support through what was happening, that I didn’t see you needed some support also.

There is nothing I can do to fix what happened between us. But please know that if I could fix everything, if I could rewind and start over I would, in hopes the outcome would be different.

I’m sorry for anything I did to you in a mean or selfish spirit. I’m sorry that we couldn’t just enjoy life together, that I couldn’t just go with the flow and let life happen. My controlling and selfish attitude simply got in the way, and for that I am sorry too.

Letting go and saying an end all goodbye was a hard decision for me. I recognize that it’s a high probability I’m walking away from the other half of my soul, that part is painful. Knowing that you won’t be there the first time I get back on my bike, knowing I won’t be able to ever ride with you, even knowing that if it hadn’t been for you I wouldn’t be riding at all; it’s all going to hurt. Giving up a love that once made me so happy, that pushed me through the hard times, which also made me step outside of my comfort zone; leaving it behind is painful. But it’s something I am going to have to do.

I don’t want to end the friendship. That’s a part I can’t live with. I appreciate you reading this blog and the small conversations we have, I appreciate every second and every little text. I would like to rebuild the friendship; to make it similar to what it was when it first started. However I understand if you don’t desire to and honestly I wouldn’t blame you. But I’ve changed more then you recognize and I’d appreciate a second chance at some point, even if it isn’t right this second.

I wish you all the luck in life. I pray that any pain you feel from now on be minor, that it doesn’t change who you are, and that you are able to forgive. I pray you find a love so pure that nothing can destroy it. But mostly I pray that somewhere at some point you find who you are really supposed to be, and that you allow yourself to become him.

Goodbye dear. Please don’t forget what I told you, that I am with you through anything and everything. If you ever need me you know where my home is and you know my number.

Love,

Becki Ann

The New Life: Time Away

This weekend is the R100 shoot in Grand Island. I'm excited to go, not only is it time away from Hometown and an archery shoot it's also time with my family. My big brothers will be there, D, Waterfowler, and a couple of other people I'm excited to see! I'm hoping I shoot like I have been in practice, but we will see how it goes.
No matter what happens it'll be a break from life here, and who knows maybe it'll be what I need to finally decide on moving!!!

Sometimes people can't love you the way you want them to, but that doesn't mean they don't love you the best way they know how...


Sometimes people are meant to love eachother but not meant to be together...

The New Life: Closure

D sighed as he sat down in the chair across from me. I knew he’d looked over my shoulder as he walked by, to curious to just ask who I was texting. “That better not be who I think it is.”

I looked up at him, “why?”

“Because I told you if you ever when back to him, to that situation, I was disowning you.” He said sternly, anger building in his voice.

I sighed and set my phone in my lap, “My closure is all that is happening here.”

He looked out of the corner of his eye, “honest?”

I nodded, “honest.” I picked up my phone, finished what I was texing then shut it off then laid it on the coffee table. D was still staring at me, I knew he wanted more of an explanation, I sighed, “I wouldn’t go back not now, no matter what was to happen. Friends yes, but as anything more no.”

“What’s changed this?” D asked, “Another man?”

I shook my head, “a dream.”

“What?” He asked.

“I have a dream for my future. It doesn’t include anything he can offer me. Besides he doesn’t want a relationship and I no longer want one either.” I said as I stared at Bella lying next to me on the couch.

“I’m not buying it.” D said settling back in his chair.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because for almost a year now you’ve run around, every other sentence about him, I guess I can give you credit though, I haven’t heard much since the accident.” He said as Bella rolled over.

“My focus is on changing myself, becoming the woman I want to be, becoming closer to God. Its on the shoot in Vegas, the Sportster, my horses, repairing my relationship with my best friend… I have no reason, no need, to find myself in a relationship with him or anyone for that matter.” I said quietly.

“What about More?” D asked.

I shook my head, “no relationship, not for a while anyway. We’ve both agreed he has some improvements he has to make, and I’m certainly no where near perfect. Our friendship is strictly that, if we find ourselves together later on then I guess that’s what will happen. But not right now..”

“How about the other guy?” D asked.

My heart froze in my chest, “the other guy?”

“Yeah Charming.” D said softly.

It was where he caught me, I stammered a little, “We’ll see.”

He laughed, “you didn’t cover that up very well.”

“I don’t want to rush into loving anyone at this point. I felt as if he was rushing me, we just need to settle into a good groove and let it be for awhile.” I said softly.

“Baby Girl you’ve grown up!” D said loudly, Bella jumped and growled at him.

“You’re an ass.” I said as I stroked the silver dog.

“We’ll it’s the truth.” He said quieter, glaring at his dog.

I smiled at him, “closure.”

The New Life: Almost there

My heart no longer stops in my chest when I hear a motorcycle roll by. I no longer turn my head when I pass one to see if it’s the blue king, or someone I recognize. I no longer feel upset when I swing my leg over the seat. I do, however refuse to ride anything but a Harley.

I no longer cringe when I see a white Dodge drive by. I no longer think about the first time I rode in that pickup or the conversations we had on its tailgate. But every time I see it I do think that I in fact need my own big Dodge.

My bow no longer reminds me of those late summer nights. It no longer reminds me how he had helped me get most of my issues sorted out, how he had ordered me to shoot a different release, or even the challenge. My bow does remind me of the fact I’m going to the Vegas Open in February. It makes me think of my desire to go to the Olympics. It pushes me hard in a direction I’m happy to go.

The feeling of laying my head on More’s shoulder doesn’t remind me of him. Sitting in the pickup listening to the radio, dancing in my seat, doesn’t remind me of the morning of the horse show. Sitting on the tailgate talking under the stars doesn’t remind me of anything he ever promised me. The look I get from More when we both realize where this is going, it doesn’t stop my heart and remind me of the only other man I felt this for.

But there is that .1% of the time when none of this matters. It’s the .1% of the time when it’s quiet. When I’m alone at home, or for a brief second when I’m playing pool at the bar, or for the thirty seconds the stop light is red, or the .1% of the time when I’m simply in a bad place.

99.9% of the time I’m healed……

99.9% of the time I’m the new me……..

99.9% of the time he’s simply the past…..

But there is that .1% of the time when I miss him more then words can express.

The New Life: Unknown Legend

More was about a quarter mile behind me. The wind was gentle and quiet; I was surprised at how still the sandhills were. I listened to the tractors rumbling across the valley. A thick haze hung in the air, the smell of burning pine trees stung my eyes. But somewhere in it all I could here More softly singing to the sorrel.

I listened closely, unsure of the song he was singing, “She grew up in a small town, never put her roots down, Daddy always kept movin', so she did too.”

My grey’s ears flickered as he listened to the cowboy behind us signing. I smiled as I suddenly recognized the song. “Somewhere on a desert highway, She rides a Harley-Davidson, Her long red hair, Flyin' in the wind, She's been runnin' half her life, The chrome and steel she rides, Collidin' with The very air she breathes, The air she breathes.”

I knew as he changed the lyrics he thought I couldn’t hear him. I smiled and let him keep going. As he got to the end I stopped the grey and let him catch up to me. “Everything okay?” he asked as his horse topped next to mine.

“You know it ain't easy, You got to hold on, She was an unknown legend, In her time, Now she's dressin' two kids, Lookin' for a magic kiss, She gets the far-away look, In her eyes.” I sang to him.

He blinked at me, “I’m guessing you heard all that.”

I smiled at him, “every lyric.”

He shifted uneasy in his saddle and looked off in the distance.

“I must say I really like the red hair version.” I said softly.

His eyes met mine as I kept smiling.

“Tell me, are you falling for me?” I asked.

He was still pretty serious, “it’s a real possibility.”

I nodded, “as long as we are on the same page.” I sunk my heels into the grey and loped off before he could change his mind. I looked over my shoulder at him still standing there; it was the look in his eyes that caught me off guard. The look I had been praying to see since the first time I met him…




oh and if you don't recgonize the song its Unkown Legend by Neil Young  circa 1992...

The New Life: Where Ever This Road Shall Go

I nestled my head onto his chest and closed my eyes. He sighed and wrapped his arm around me. “I missed this.” I whispered.

“Me to.” He said as he ran his fingers through my hair on my shoulder.

We laid in silence for a little while.

“What are you thinking about?” I asked.

He sighed and pulled me in closer, “how I wish this would never end.”

“It doesn’t have to.” I whispered.

“We agreed no relationship, no feelings.” He said softly.

“You are developing feelings.” I whispered.

He sighed again, “So are you little miss. Sowhat do you want?”

I thought about it for a moment and looked up at him, “I want to simply enjoy life.”

He smiled, “what does that mean?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know.”

“Lets just see where it goes.” He said as he ran his other hand through my hair.

I smiled, “sounds good to me.”

The New Life:

My phone rang three times before I heard it. I rolled the car windows up and answered the phone. Momma's voice was broken, I knew then the news hadn't been good.

I climbed out of my car, walked into the store and back to find my manager. As I walked to my register there he was. My heart couldn't handle it and I began to shake.

A simple hello and that was it. My desire to talk had faded, I attempted to keep back the tears. Tears from the appology I owe him, tears from what my Momma had to tell me.

I hope the appology will wait, atleast a little bit longer, while we wait to see what will happen with Momma.

I still want to talk and I hope he's open to it....

The New Life: Sensitive

I sat straight up in bed. My blood raced through my veins, I was panting and sweat was rolling down my face mixing with the tears falling out of my eyes. I flinched as the dream repeated in my head. I stumbled out of bed and found the light switch. My breath caught in my chest as I realized all to well to wasn’t just a dream… it was meant to be a premonition.

My momma calls me sensitive, so does Beans and even Big Roy. They say I’m capable of seeing things most people cant. I have a special awareness to the future. I could feel the gremlins in the Sportster; I knew the hurt was coming. A couple weeks before the breakup with Bowman I predicted it, and the day of my wedding I knew there would be a divorce. I knew Bowman had laid his bike down before he had come to tell me. The dream the night before had haunted me, but I had chosen to ignore it. I knew Blue was sick before he told me, I knew time would be precious with him.

It’s an odd sense to feel those kinds of things.

This time, this dream, I have a feeling I should not ignore…

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to all the "dads" in my life! Big Poppa, Blue, and D love you all, thanls for being the best stand in dads you can be!

And Happy Father's Day to my brothers Big Rick and Ty!

The New Life: What a Healthy Heart can do

My Momma once told me that a healthy heart can heal a broken one. I'm not sure my heart is all that healthy, but it'll have to do.....

He was sitting in the blue Adirondack chair starting out across the meadow. I paused at the door and looked down the driveway, I recognized the pickup instantly. My heart leapt into my chest as my hand hit the cold door knob.

More didn’t flinch or turn his head as I closed the door behind me, he simply sat and stared. I walked past him down to the chicken coop, ignoring him, not entirely sure of why he was on my lawn before six in the morning, why he was just sitting there. I watched him out of the corner of my eye as I cleaned the coop and fed the birds.

It took me about fifteen minutes; he sat the entire time staring straight ahead. I wondered in the back of my head if he was okay. As I washed my hands with the garden hose and let the birds out to free range I stared at him, eventually his eyes caught mine. I shook my head and walked back to the lawn.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

He shrugged, “waiting for you.”

I sighed and sat down in the chair next to his, “Why?”

“Why not?” He said softly.

I ran my hands through my hair and leaned back, “what do you want?”

He shrugged again, “I think I made a mistake.”

I sighed and closed my eyes, I thought I knew what was coming next, and I wondered if I really wanted to go back. “What was that?”

“I should have stayed with you. She didn’t change at all.” He said softly.

“Oh More.” I whispered as I looked over at him. I knew then he wasn’t asking for a relationship, he was asking for someone to care, for someone to put him first. I laid my hand on his arm, “God doesn’t take you through something you can’t get through.” I said softly. It was the same thing he had told me after the breakup….

The New Life: Young and Wild and Free

Charming had been laying low for a couple of days. He had known I had heard the rumor about him and his ex-wife. When he finally called me all he said was, “I am very sorry and I understand if you don’t wish to talk to me.”

“Did it really happen?” I asked, not sure I could handle the truth.

There was a long pause, “unfortunately yes. She stayed the night at my house the other day and it happened.”

It hurt, knowing I had just started to let him in, “why?”

“Honestly Beck, I don’t know. It was a mistake. I care you for you so deeply and I don’t why I let her attempt to ruin our relationship.” He said softly.

I sighed and looked out across the meadow in front of me, “Okay.”

“Can you forgive me?” He asked.

I had already, it was a part of something I recognized after the wreck, the fact that I tend to hold onto things and develop a bitterness. “yes.”

“So where do you want to go from here?” He asked.

I sighed, “Honestly I don’t want to just jump back into it. Let’s just take our time. Be friends and see if a relationship is really going to work.”

“There is someone else, isn’t there.” He said quietly.

“No, but I’m not in a hurry. I want to enjoy myself right now; I don’t want to have to worry about working on a relationship for awhile.” I said attempting to make him understand. “I have to learn to trust you again.”

He sighed, “Whatever makes you happy.”

Truth be told I am happy right now being single, sure the first night I partied way to hard, but afterwards I realized that being single has its ups. I don’t have to explain to him why I drunk texted my ex, why those whiskey and cokes were going down so smooth, I don’t have to explain to him who drove me home. Hell I don’t have to explain anything to him and right now that’s just how I like it. Being young and wild and free!

A Bowhunter's Legacy: The Wildcat Hills Shoot

“I didn’t whine in the truck so I could whine all afternoon long.” I said with a smartass tone.

Farmer sighed, “I knew I should have just left you home!”

I rolled my eyes, “you know you’d miss me if you did that.”

He laughed, “that’s probably true, come on lil’ Sister let’s go shoot.”

The first half of the wildcat Hills shoot was grueling. It was a long hike up and down the sides of the canyon, the shots were amazing though, slopes up and down and yardages we don’t get to shoot at home. Halfway through the shoot I tripped and shoved a tree branch into my bad knee. There were some bad words mumbled then, and the rest of the shoot tore me up, but I pushed through it.

I chose to split the shoot into two days, the first half on Saturday and the second on Sunday. Which meant Farmer would only be able to shoo the first day with me. He ruptured something in his knee a few weeks ago and is still recovering from it, a two day hike was out of the question.

After day one and round one I had a 180 under my belt. I was happy with the first half and figured if I could shoot something similar the next day I was golden. After day two and the second half my total score was 340. Do you know what that means? I’ve FINALLY made my goal of 300 in competition!!! Cheers to me!

“Way to go lil’ Sister! You’ve improved!” Farmer said in the pickup on the way home.

I smiled, “thanks.”

“You are going to be at nationals before you know it!” He said as we turned onto the highway and left the shoot.

“I hope so.” I sat and reflected about how far I’ve come from this time last year. I’m happy with my improvement as a shooter and as a person as a whole.

Next goal, R100 shoot keep the 300 score!!!

A Make Up Session

Got home today... Sunburned with a super sore knee.... But SO very happy!!! Want to know why??? Read tomorrows Bowhunter's Legacy!

Anyway this song just sums up how I feel today!

It was a beautiful day, weekend, and I am in such a good place right now! Hopefully it keeps up!

No Sunday Soundtrack

Sorry there isnt a Sunday Soundtrack this week. I'm off trooping through the Wildcat Hills, enjoying the heat! HAHAHA!
Anyway I'll be back with A Bowhunter's Legacy and maybe more this week! We shall see where life leads!

XOXOXO
Beck

The New Life: Walking Away from BS

My tolerance for bullshit has faded. It started after the wreck, when I realized I’d been living wrong. I’ve made changes in my life to become a better person, to live life a way that when I look back I can proud . I’ve made changes to make myself happy. I get up every morning and ask God to make me better then I was yesterday, and to make me better tomorrow then I am today.

So this afternoon when my blood family decided that they wanted to talk shit about me I choose the higher road and walked away. I attempted to let go of the bitterness it was creating. I promised myself I wouldn’t stoop back to where I had come from.

It’s a real shame that a family has to act like that. It’s a shame we can’t just support each other. It’s a shame a fucking shame.

I look at it in this light, one day the shoe will be on the other foot. One day I’ll be able to look at them and say well you did this and this and this wrong, and you are a fool for doing it. But rather then judging them for it, rather then saying what I could, I’ll simply say “Do you need some help right now? It looks like you are struggling.”

In the end I’m living my life for me and me only, and God, well he will forgive me my short comings….

The New Life: What Roy Says Goes

The first time Big Roy visited me we didn’t have a conversation, we didn’t speak, we only acknowledged each other. As Sweet Cheeks and I loped hard across the South meadow I felt the urge to look over my shoulder and there he and Laker were, keeping in stride with us.

The next time he came I had honestly had way to much to drink, it may have been my imagination, but I’d like to think it was really him. It was the night I found out Charming had been cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend.

Roy stood in the room, it was dark and I could hardly see him, but he was there, I knew it. When I sat up in bed and stared at him I could see him better, “is it really you?” I asked.

He chuckled, “who else would it be?”

I sighed, “I don’t know. I’ve just been having some funny experiences lately.”

He smiled, “you’re becoming more sensitive.”

I shrugged and wrapped the covers around me, “I guess.”

“I met Sonny. She’s one hell of a woman. I can see so much of you in her.” He said softly.

I nodded, “She’s awesome. I’m glad you came and all but why?”

He chuckled and crossed his arms across his chest, “What you did wasn’t the answer.”

I sighed and rubbed my eyes, “I know.”

“Well if you know, why did you do it?” He asked

“Because it seemed like the answer at the time.” I said softly.

He sighed and sat down on the corner of the bed, “Not everyone is going to hurt you. I really think you need to talk to this man and hear his side of the story. Is it possible what you are hearing is a rumor from someone who doesn’t want to see you happy?”

I pulled my knees into my chest and thought for a moment, “yes.”

He nodded, “I want you to understand the past is the past. Sometimes you dwell in it and just live in the bitterness. You can’t live there; you can’t keep that in your heart. You need to learn to move on.”

I nodded as the tears welled.

“Just say goodbye and let it be that.” Roy said.

I knew what he was talking about, whom exactly I was supposed to say goodbye to.

“If you need to justify it to yourself, he wasn’t there when you got sick, and he hasn’t been there since. He’s no longer the man you fell in love with and the sooner you face it the better you are going to feel.” He said softly.

I nodded, “your right.”

“So just tell him goodbye.” Roy said softly.

I nodded again, “yes sir.”

He smiled, “Don’t feel that way girl, don’t. Not even for one second. Your life is going to be amazing if you learn to just go with the flow. You can not force anything to happen, God doesn’t work that way. Sometimes when you fall you just have to stand up, smile and move on, because that’s the only option you’ve got.”

I sighed, “Yes sir.”

“Give the good ones a second chance. They need it. Especially this new guy, because what you’ve heard happened with him, didn’t really, that I can promise you.”

“Yes sir.”

He smiled and gave me a hug, “Your world is just beginning. You’ve got lots of time; everything is going to work out for the best.”

I could feel his warmth for a second, “yes sir.” I started to cry as I realized he was gone.

The Sporster: New Paint

Charming and I sat down with a buddy of his who specializes in painting bikes. We talked about repainting it the cool blue it once was. I frowned and Charming asked me what exactly I wanted.

“Something pink.” I said.

“Oh Lord. Your bow is already pink, even your cute undies are pink!” Charming exclaimed.

I smiled, wanting to say even my next wedding dress is pink, but I wasn’t sure I wanted him to know I already had it. “No we aren’t talking solid pink.”

D seemed to relax a little, I figured he wouldn’t be to excited to keep a pink bike in his garage.

“I want something with my nick name on it though.” I said quietly drawing out a heart with a crown on it.

The painter nodded as he watched me do it, “it’s workable.”

“Maybe solid back with this logo, little faintly pink hearts hiding in the paint.” I mumbled as I kept drawing.

“Why the hearts?” The painter asked.

I smiled as I remembered the first time someone had called me by the name. My eyes met his, “because I’m the queen of hearts.”

He nodded, “I’ve got some ideas.”

The Sportster rebuild is almost complete. She’s running better then she did from the factory. She’s got new exhaust and intake. Her transmission was an easy fix, or so I’ve been told. We were so very lucky her engine wasn’t damaged in the wreck, it would have been a whole lot more work.

She’ll be going in for paint in a couple of weeks, I’m so very excited to get back on her! So excited I’ve got biker fever!

Here’s just a little taste of what’s to come…

The New Life: Progress

I pulled the bow back and plucked the arrow into the sky. As it reached out into the field I lost sight of it. M.C. grumbled behind me, “that’s in the alfalfa.” I sighed and rolled my eyes.

Apparently I’ve lost my finesse for archery golf. But then again maybe I never had it. I stepped back and let the next archer take a shot; her arrow was about ten feet in front of the target. I closed my eyes and imagined having to track through the alfalfa to find my arrow, “at least it wasn’t a pink one.” I thought to myself.

The alfalfa was drenched from the sprinkler pivot, and knee high from the early growth season. My jeans clung to my legs and the water soaked in through my leather boots. After five minutes of it I gave up and left the arrow behind.

I’m glad to be back outside shooting, there is something about the warm summer evenings and that bow in my hand that can sort out any emotion I may be feeling at the time. Sitting on the tailgate brought back memories, memories that would have eaten me alive a few weeks ago, but not this time. Sitting on the tailgate talking till midnight, the first time I remember telling him I loved him, the way he’d wrap his arms around me. The deepest memory was of Abbs, Tedly, and I sitting on their tailgate deciding to go down to Heritage days. It’s the deepest because that was the night of the challenge and the night I realized how much I wanted to be with him. But this time they were just memories.

I didn’t feel pain or ache, but maybe a little longing for last summer. It’s improvement, it appears that maybe the mechanic has fixed something, albeit small it's improvement.

For Roy

Back when I was a little girl Big Roy used to sing this song to me. It would always pull me out of the blues or a temper tantrum.
Today as I drove to the funeral this song played over the radio. It helped me to realize he hasn't completely left, I could almost hear him say this to shall pass.

The pastor spoke about how Big Roy had always had a smile on his face, how no matter how many times he fell he always stood back up and kept going. He let nothing get him down.
It touched my heart and helped me realize that Big Roy was trying to tell me it's time to stand back up and keep on walking. Something I'm attempting to do, something I hope makes him proud.

Love ya Roy.
Becki

American Biker... The Truth

They say don’t bite the hand that feeds you… But that hand no longer feeds me soooo….. CHOMP!

I stared at the TV blankly, not sure how to process the show I had just watched. I swirled my whiskey in my highball for a second and thought. I had my own experience with a club and it hadn’t been as wild. It had been wild, but compared to what I had just seen, it was like preschool.

I blinked still attempting to process.

D laughed, clicked the TV off and left the room. I still sat there swirling my whiskey and thinking. My heart wasn’t aching I was just thinking about the misrepresentations the show had just offered. I sighed, swigged my whiskey and stood up, “how to define a biker.” I mumbled.

I knew all to well that some people would see that show and instantly judge someone with a patch on their back. Which was fine by me, I’m no longer associated with a club. But what did was the image the show and that club are creating for the others who ride. People like me and Blue and D and even Charming. The image that we are all a bunch of uncivilized, butt scratching, drunk on our ass, drug using, hicks.

I’m not going to get on my pedestal here and preach about how not all clubs are a like. Not my place and I don’t really care. Nor am I going to ride my high horse and say I’m better then what and who started me, because I’m not. Our blood all runs the same and my beginnings start with a man associated to a club... But I do wish people would understand there is a difference. And just because you see a shiny bike and a leather jacket doesn’t mean we are all bad ass assholes… 

The show doesn’t show people who ride for genuine reasons. People like the guys who stood in the ICU hallway waiting for me to come back to life. People who stopped while D and I waited for the ambulance. People who roll an extra bike out of the garage just to rebuild what was lost in a wreck. People who call you up in the middle of the day just to say “hi”. The people who take time out of their lives to make yours better. Or even people who you’ve just met that take their time to teach you how to ride safely.

It doesn’t show what a true, blue blooded, honest American Biker is.

It’s a shame we are all going to be judge because of these shows. It’s a shame, a real shame.

Wanted: Eraser

Sometimes I wish I had a big pink eraser to erase the mistakes I’ve made in my life. Heck I’d even settle for one of those cheap white ones right about now….

The New Life: Big Roy's Final Words

I was so very lucky to see Big Roy a few days before he got sick, our conversation was so up lifting and happy, it’s hard to believe looking back that it’s only been a few short weeks. Big Roy was always there for me, even though I never leaned on him for emotional support I know he was always there and that he always cared.

We joked about a conversation he and I had at the grocery store back in March. Then suddenly it got serious and it began to feel as if there was something final about the conversation.

He reached across the table and grabbed my hand and suddenly said, “For you Baby Girl, the world is just beginning.”

I was shocked, to go from telling jokes to being serious, “what are you talking about?”

He simply smiled and repeated a little stronger, “for you the world is just beginning.” His smile faded and he said, “Don’t ever let anyone step on your dreams. Don’t let anything break you. Don’t stop until you are holding the stars in your hands. Promise?”

I nodded, still a little off kilter from the sudden change in subject.

He smiled at me again, “okay then.”

I sat staring at him for a moment, still trying to wrap my head around the sensation of finality. “I want you to know that I love as if you were my family.” He said quietly.

I smiled back, “I love you to Roy.”

He nodded and stood up and disappeared into the crowd. I watched him go and felt my heartbreak a little in my chest.

The World's a Little Dimmer Tonight...

Dear Leroy,

It broke my heart this afternoon when I heard you had lost your fight. I will miss you so very much, but I know that you are no longer in pain and that you and that big gelding Laker are back on the trails once again.
Grandpa always tells stories on you, just like you always told stories on him. I have two favorites, you rolling down the hill out back in a tractor tire your change flying out of your pockets, its funny because I could see you doing it, and the next when my uncles and grandpa hooked the outhouse seat up to the tractor battery and made it electric. I guess that's why the door still doesn't hang straight.

You were an amazing man, always laughing, I never remember you without a smile. You encouraged me to ride when no one else did. You were at my first horse show, probably cheering the loudest. I always looked up to you and felt as if you were family.
Your battle has been long and hard, and while it breaks my heart you've gone I am happy that you are finally out of pain. Enjoy the knee high grass up there, I'm glad you can see Laker again. I hope you'll visit me though, because the world won't be the same without your hearty laugh and wide smile.

Love you more then words can express and I'm happy I got to see you at branding time, and that you helped me wrestle my first calf.
Rest in Peace,
Becki Ann

Sunday Soundtrack

I orginally planned on giving you an out of  office message, but I found some time to get a post done. So this weeks Sunday Soundtrack is Bad Company- Five Finger Death Punch

and Boss's Daughter- Pop Evil

Take a second to remember why we all have freedom in this country, God Bless thoose who gave all.
I'm keeping several friends in my prayers right now, hard times seem to find us all.
And finally for all of my biker readers and friends I hope you have safe travels and remember keep the shinny side up!

The New Life: Understanding Weakness

My Momma told me after the breakup that once your heart has been damaged you never allow yourself the same weakness again. You always changed something in the way you handle love and a relationship, and she’s so very right.  My hearts never fully healed from the breakup, it’s something I’ve always been honest about, and even if you’ve only followed this blog for a few days it’s something you understand.

Charming knows and understands, I suspect his uncle has warned him, maybe even Jay. I’m damaged and it’s no secret to any of my friends around me. It’s something I’m working on changing. The wreck and the night in the hospital was the start, realizing that I had lost everything and that it wasn’t coming back. Then laying down in the grass and handing my heart to God, it was the next step.

Yesterday as Charming and I rode through the South Meadow I realized how committed he is to me. I realized he’s one human being, like his uncle and D, that I can trust. As I laid my head on his chest that night and settled in to sleep I realized he’s happy and maybe I can allow myself to feel some happiness too.

But Momma is right, I won’t be able to love him like I did the first. The love I will eventually build for Charming will be different, it may be stronger, it may be weaker, but it will be different. I recognize the hope in the relationship though, he took time off just to stay with me, just because I was having a bad week. He’s putting his heart and soul into rebuilding my bike, just because I’m his Uncle’s “little girl”. He is willing to lay it all on the line, and risk the possibility that I’ll walk away, just because he sees something worth keeping in me.

He may act like the first. He may be tall and handsome like the first. He may work with and own Harleys like the first. He may even be a skillful rider just like the first. But one thing is for sure, he is different then the first….

What will happen, will. I’ll either learn to love him or I won’t. It’s all out of my hands, I have no control, I’m just along for the ride.

The New Life: The Mechanic

So you are probably wondering where the pictures have been lately. Well Blogger and my computer are in a fued... so until that gets sorted out no pictures. I've got some of Deadwood, the horses, the wreck and a couple of the Sportster as the restoration work starts... hang in there eventually I'll get them posted. In the meantime I shall write...

“I understand you’ve had a bad couple of days.” Charming said as he stood next to me.

I nodded, “Yeah it’s been bad.”

He wrapped his arms around me, “Well is there anyway I can make it better?”

I shrugged as I took a breath of his cologne, “maybe.”

He laughed, “get your stuff.”

Later as we lay in bed watching a movie I couldn’t help but be happy. There was no heart ache, no need to rush into anything, just the sense that the moment was all I needed. “You okay?’ He asked.

“Yeah. Why?” I asked back.

“I just felt you go limp and I was worried.” He said quietly.

I smiled to myself, “I’m just happy.”

I looked up and he was smiling too, “I’m glad you are happy.” He brushed my bangs out of my face, and I felt as if that moment could last forever.

“Thanks for making things better.” I whispered.

“Anything for you babe.” He said softly.

I looked back at the T.V., “I can’t believe Charliy just let you come up.”

He laughed a little, “I had time saved up for a rainy day. The dealership is pretty awesome to work for, they understand.”

I sighed and thought about my Sportster parked in his uncle’s garage and how he’d promised me it would run better then ever. “How’s the sporty?”

He chuckled a little, “she’s got some gremlins.”

I nodded, “D wants to sell her, says its bad luck to keep her around. But I feel a bond with her now.”

“Yeah.” He said softly, “well she did pretty much save your life.”

I nodded, “she’s done more for me then you’ll ever know.”

 “It’s funny what inanimate things can do for a person, how they can take a life on of their own.” He said softly.

I thought about her, “She’s like my sister.”

“I’ll take good care of her.” He whispered and then kissed me on the forehead, "Everything is going to be okay."

I knew it would. I knew she’d come back to me running better then she ever had, with a new paint job and chrome, I had faith in his mechanical ablities. It was then I knew quitting riding wasn’t an option, it was also then I knew that the mechanic wasn’t just working on the Sporty, he was working on me too.

The New Life: Finding Faith

It was dark, way to dark for any sane person to be out running, but whose says I’m sane anymore. My feet hit the pavement, stride after stride. Pain recoiled through my knee, ankle and leg. My breath stung my lungs, but I pushed hard, attempting to forget, to move on, to get away.

I reached two miles and sunk into the grass. I hadn’t been jogging since I started the new job, and it was showing. My mind was clear; I had left the phone and ipod in the house. I figured if I broke my leg either the coyotes would get me or Neighbor would be by in the morning.

I relaxed and let the wind chill me. He had a point, about forcing love, he’s completely right. I still haven’t laid down in the grass for that nap; I haven’t stopped trying to force things.

Sonny told me that the championship fight wouldn’t happen right away, that I had time to train. She’s right of course, I need to get my facts straight, but it still doesn’t matter who was with him, just knowing that he’s clearly moved on hurt.

“All I want is to know he hurts over it to.” I whispered.

“That’s selfish.” Sonny whispered.

I laid down and stare at the sky, my heart still pumping hard. That’s when it happened, “fuck it” I whispered.

Laying my heart in God’s hands is the right decision. He can fix anything and everything, and if I let him I know he can take the pain away…

Faith is all it’s going to require.

Dear You

Dear You,

Sonny keeps telling me to fight, fight for what I want, for what I feel is mine. She says that you fought for me the first time, with Handsome, and now it’s my turn. But I can’t help but feel as if that isn’t what you want.

Seeing you with her broke my heart all over again. I thought I was over being completely shattered, it turns out I’m not. And now because I stood there debating weather to answer your text tonight or just go to bed, and chose the first option, I’ll be up all night.

I have dreams, vivid dreams, ones I haven’t shared because I don’t want to interfere. They all revolve around that pink dress in the closet. They all revolve around the Blue King, they all sit deep within me. When Charming reached around the other day and rubbed my knee like you did, I lost it, bawled like a big fucking baby. Sonny says I can have whatever I want if I just fight.

But I’m not sure fighting is an option, not at this moment in time anyway. My life hasn’t improved any, the job has, but the family aspect still sucks, my health still sucks, I don’t have much to offer you but the heart in my chest, and right now it’s not to healthy either. I don’t know how your relationship is, I remember what it was like in March, but I figured since your still with her its improved…..

Maybe all I need is to just get away. Not seeing you or the guys, not turning everytime I hear a bike, not hoping one day you’ll walk into the store and wanna talk. Not sitting in the clearing wishing you’d show up. Not dream about the brick streets and see that picture everytime I turn on this computer. Maybe that’s all it will take to heal, to forget.

I don’t know what I want to say with this letter. Usually I have time to think about it, but lately I haven’t really been thinking about the hurt and pain, well until Saturday that is.

I want to fight so fucking bad. So bad that I can taste it in my mouth, so bad my muscles ache. But will fighting do me any good?

I doubt it….

Love ya, always, no matter what.

Becki Ann

The New Life: The Truth Could Set You Free

I sunk down onto Beans’ couch and nestled up next to the throw pillows. She sighed as she sat down in her chair, “What’s up?”

“Shouldn’t all this pain be gone? I was sure it’d be gone by now.” I mumbled.

She chuckled a little, “there is no defined time it takes for a person to heal. It would help if the wound wouldn’t keep getting cut open.”

I sighed and closed my eyes and tried to distance myself from the pain, “remember why I wanted to leave Hometown.”

“Of course, because the thought of him with someone else. What happened?” She asked.

“I saw him with his new girl. On the motorcycle.” The image popped into my mind and I was forced to open my eyes to brush it away, “It hurt so much more then I imagined.”

She nodded, “I’m sorry it happened.”

I sighed, “I met someone new.”

She nodded again, “I know that.”

“He’s great.” I mumbled.

She just nodded.

“Im tired of hurting.” I whispered, close to tears.

“I know that to.” She said quietly.

We sat in silence for awhile. I was softly crying, thinking about the past, not living in the moment at all. Beans finally spoke, but it was quiet, almost to herself, “What I’d like to know is if he’s still hurting too.”

I shrugged, “does it really matter?”

She took my hand and traced her finger over the little line in the palm, “The truth could.”

The New Life: For My Daughter

I wish that heartache didn’t happen, the word didn’t exist and the feeling didn’t attempt to eat someone alive. I wish seeing you with someone new didn't hurt her. I wish that her heart would heal and that she would no longer feel the pain you've given to her. I wish she could forget the past and live in the moment. I wish she could find someone to love her the way she loves you.

I never wanted her to experience the kind of pain I did. I pray that some where along the path that is hers she finds the man who will always love her through everything, and I pray that he protects her from feeling this pain ever again.

~Momma

Sunday Soundtrack

The New Life: Sonny's Meddling

“Oh come on now the perfect ones do come along.” Sonny said as I relaxed in the clearing.

“Well this one is a little to perfect. I think you are screwing with me.” I said imagining I’d have ticks all over me by the time this conversation was done.

She let out a loud laugh, “Fine I meddled. Just give it a try and see where it goes.”

I sighed, “If I get hurt.”

She cut me off, “then I’ll take the blame.”

I nodded, “fine then. But you could stop meddling.”

She smiled, “If I hadn’t meddled you never would have found him. Besides I never intended for you to get hurt badly, and you didn’t so stop your bitching.”

“Yeah but you wrecked a perfectly good bike.” I mumbled.

“Well some things happen. You’ll get over it.” She stared out straight across the meadow. “Besides you can’t prove I did it. I’m just a figment of your imagination as far as the rest of the world is concerned.”

I snorted at the remark and wondered if she really was just my imagination.

“I’m as really as the sky is blue.” She said softly.

“You scared the crap out of me.” I whispered.

“If it hadn’t happened you wouldn’t have met Charming. Just give me a break. It’s all okay.” She said quietly.

“Does D know?” I asked.

She shook her head, “he’d be mad at me for that.”

I nodded, “he sure would have been.”

“Yeah well whatever the saying is about candies and nuts and Christmas.” She said out of the corner of her mouth.

“If ands and buts were candy and nuts every day would be Christmas.” I mumbled.

“Yeah something like that.”

“Is he as good as your making him out to be?” I asked.

She smiled over at me as the wind picked up, “he’ll soon show you.”

I looked away for a second and when I looked back she was gone. I nestled my face in my hands and let a moan out.

The New Life: To Perfect

The sound of the bike was unfamiliar as I lay in bed listening to it getting closer. I knew they could have been headed for a neighbor, but I doubted it, most bikes that turn onto D’s street are headed to his house. I sat up in bed and sighed, it was after nine, D had been up for about two hours, I figured he was getting anxious for me to get out of bed so we could do what we needed to for the day before he flew me home.

I stood up as the bike turned into the driveway. I didn’t recognize the rider until he stepped off the bike and took his helmet off, it was Charming. My heart leapt into my chest, “so much for a phone call.” I mumbled to Bella as I stumbled to get dressed.

“Hey Beck!” D hollered up the stairs.

“Yeah I’m coming.” I hollered back as I pulled my leathers on. It felt odd sliding them over the healing bruises and I wondered if I knew for sure what I was doing.

“I thought you were going to call.” I said as I walked down the stairs.

“I figured a bike ride would be better.” He said with a smile.

D stood next to him, “You wanna go?” he asked.

“Well I’m all dressed up.” I said with a laugh.

They both nodded, “well I’ll just let you two go. I need to go to the lumber yard.” D said staring at me. “Call me if you need me.”

I swung my leg over the back of the Victory and relaxed. “You don’t own a Harley, what the hell is wrong with you?”

He laughed, “I do own a Harley. I just like this bike best, don’t tell my boss that!”

I laughed and rested my hands on his side. I was comfortable and felt as if it was where I needed to be.

The bike rumbled to life and we were off. It felt perfect to be on the bike, my heart didn’t hurt, it was happy like it used to be. The Blue King used to help relax my knee, it took the cramps and pain out of it, the Victory did the same.

We stopped at the stop light and waited for it to turn, he turned his head and said to me, “Beck I want you to be mine.”

My heart fluttered in my chest as he said it, “That sounds good to me.”

He smiled, “good deal.”

A few miles down the road he reached back and ran his hand on my knee, the same way Bowman used to. I wondered if someone had told him or if it was just something he did. It was then I realized Sonny had to be meddling…

The New Life: Rebuilding

“So every biker has a reason why they started. Mine was because I grew up with them; spent the weekends at the motocross track, getting a bike to ride around was obvious.” Charming said as he smiled at me over dinner.

I shrugged, “Everyone asks me that question.”

He chuckled a little, “well honestly not a whole lot of women ride their own bikes.”

I nodded as I stared at him, “Honestly.” I paused thinking about how to word what I wanted to say, “Before the wreck I was attempting to keep hold of a piece of my past relationship.”

He nodded, seeming to understand without judgment. “So why not just give it up now?”

I sighed, “I wanted to. But I don’t want to stop because of fear.”

“Hmm.” He said than took a drink of his beer, “Well that’s a good reason to keep riding.”

“Have you ever been in an accident?” I asked.

He smiled and then rolled up his sleeve, “I’ve been in a couple.” He showed me his arm and the scars across it, “These are mostly from motocross, but last summer I laid my bike down on my way to Sturgis.”

I nodded, “How come you kept riding?”

He smiled again, “same reason you did. Fear isn’t a reason to stop.” We sat quietly for a little while, “I was surprised when you came in with D today. I didn’t think he knew any girls, let alone one as sweet and pretty as you.”

“Laying it on kinda thick aren’t we?” I asked sarcastically, but flattered.

He laughed, “Hey I have to make sure there will be another date.”

I smiled and picked up my water glass, “I’ll just have to wreck the bike again if there isn’t.”

He smiled, “It’d be a lot less painful to just answer the phone when I call you tomorrow morning.”

“Would it now?” I asked, knowing that maybe it wouldn’t be…

♥

Just a Reminder

"Under the Protection of the Archer what you seek Will find You."

Today my heart feels empty. Hopefully I can remind myself that everything will work out and that there is life out there...

The New Life: Managing Pain

Yesterday was the first time, since the accident I felt pain. It actually started Saturday afternoon, after eight texts and one whole second my heart hit the floor and shattered on the ground. I mustered the strength to get through the day, but keeping in my emotional pain turned it into physical pain.

My healing bruises throbbed with pain, my tender neck and back were no longer just tender they were painful, so painful it hurt to have my cotton t-shirt touching them. My legs, knee, ankle and feet screamed with pain, so bad I thought I was going to pass out. It wasn’t a lack of pain meds, I’d taken my dosage, even a little extra, and it still hurt.

After the grueling day a good friend of mine called me and said lets go get some pizza, maybe a beer to and a movie. As soon as I heard his voice the pain was gone. Knowing that everything I had suffered through was only temporary and that in the end I still have people who care in my life made the pain subside.

In the end yes I did lose my best friend, a love that I’ll never feel again, and maybe the ability to give my heart to someone else.

But in the end, I didn’t lose everything, because eventually there will be another best friend and there will be another one to love. In the end I’ll be happy because it’s the only choice I have.

The Sportster: Life After the Wreck Part 1

Blue sat in the chair across from the bed. The rest of the room was empty, I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming or awake. He sat up in his chair as I woke up, “hey you” he said quietly.

“Hey.” I whispered.

He stood up and moved over to the bed, “how you feeling?”

“With my fingers.” It was the smart ass comment my granddad always used.

He chuckled, “I’m so glad to see you haven’t lost your sense of humor.”

“How’s the bike?” I asked.

He sighed, “She probably saved your life.”

I laughed thinking about how she had done it more then once, thinking about the ride to Hill City. “I owe her one.”

“Maybe more then one.” He said. “You scared us.”

I sighed and thought to myself for a little bit. I wasn’t sure I wanted to admit I didn’t want to ride anymore, I knew he was more apt to understand then D would. “I want to stop riding.” I whispered as my watery eyes met his blue ones. It hurt me to admit it.

He sighed and took my hand in his, “remember why you started riding? If you stop you are going to lose it all.”

It was then the tears started, “I’ve lost it all anyways.”

I sobbed as I heard myself admit it for the first time. Admitting I’d lost my best friend and the only man I’d ever loved ripped my heart out of my chest, it was a pain that the pain meds wouldn’t stop.

“That’s the first step.” Blue said as he wrapped his arms around me, “Just get it all out. We will figure riding out later.”

The doctor came in after a bit, told me I was still in shock and changed my IV fluids. I fell asleep in Blue’s arms. I slept like I’d never slept before, without dreams, away from the pain, just honest sleeping…

Sunday Soundtrack

I could sure go for a little neon right now. But I won't be going to the bars in this town... way to many memories...
                                                                    

And this song was the one I was dancing to in the truck the other day. D didn't find it charming like you used too... Oh well, I'll dance on...