The New Life: Growing Happiness

“A foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; a wise man grows it underneath his feet.”

I laid down in the grass in the clearing. Starring up through the tree branches at the blue sky above I tried to process everything that had happened this weekend. I thought about Friday, and the pit of dread that had hit me. I thought about what I saw in Bowman’s eyes that night. I thought about Saturday and how it had felt like old times, when we could shoot together and enjoy shooting, and enjoy each other’s company. I snapped myself out of it. “Easy girl,” I whispered, “Things aren’t golden just yet.”

My dream in Deadwood haunted me. Sonny had been right about us being civil, did it mean she was right he and I would never be "us" again. I sighed again, but I couldn’t bring myself to hurt over it, not after what had happened, not after what I had seen in his eyes. Especially not after what he’d said to me, I couldn’t allow myself to hurt.

I cocked my head to the side; I could see a pair of does working their way around the meadow. They moved in the same pattern they had the day Bowman and I had sat out and watched them. I thought about how some things never change. I had long come to terms that this place would always remind me of him, of that afternoon, of happier times. Maybe that’s why I am still drawn to it; I am subconsciously trying to draw on the happy memories.

Over the past few weeks I’ve begun to develop a happiness that I haven’t been able to explain. It is a happiness that has bundled confidence along with it. I’ve begun to realize that happiness doesn’t come from being in a relationship. The pure, unbreakable happiness comes from several other things; riding my horses in the afternoon sun, shooting my bow, attempting to not kill myself on my bike while shifting. Every little thing throughout the day brings a chance to nurture the happiness growing beneath my feet.

Being able to talk with Bowman has helped grow that seed of happiness. This weekend my heart fully healed. Of course it has a scar, it always will, but I no longer hold resentment.

I closed my eyes and thought of Sonny. It was the quickest way to draw her to me. The minutes passed by before she finally answered me.

“Ah I’m not so crazy after all!” She said as she came to sit beside me. The wind settled, quieting the trees around us.

“I need to know something Sonny.” I stated.

She smiled at me, and cut me off before I could spit the question out, “what I see isn’t written in stone. Nothing is until it happens. I think you just need to be patient and really figure out what you want.”

I nodded as I listened to her.

“A relationship isn’t going to come straight away. Love develops in the oddest places.” She turned to look out at the meadow, “What you want is at your finger tips, but you should be mindful and not reach for it until it’s offered. Don’t be pushy; no body likes a pushy person.”

“Yes ma’am,” I whispered.

She turned and smiled to me, “I’m so happy for you.”

I cocked my head to the side, “why?”

She continued to smile, “your fairy tale is going to happen. Remember a few months ago when you were in a million pieces?”

I shook my head yes.

“You wouldn’t believe me that you’d heal, that eventually you’d get back to being one piece. Look at you now.” She said.

I smiled, “you are right Sonny.”

“Okay then. Give it some time, that fairy tale ending is coming.” Sonny smiled, “once your soul is ready.”

I laughed, “Okay Sonny."

We sat in silence for a while, I finally looked over to her, “Did you meddle?”

She smiled over at me.

“Sonny,” I groaned.

She shook her head, “I didn’t meddle. What he did was on his own accord.”

From the Saddle: Riding Sidesaddle

I will remember, forever, the first time I saw someone ride aside, sidesaddle. She was a beautiful blonde, on an even more beautiful saddlebred. I remember instantly wanting to learn how to ride side saddle. At the time I was deep in the jumper circuit. I traveled every weekend to shows; I even had dreams of competing in the Olympics.

I was 15 then, seven years have passed since then, and now I am finding myself wanting to finally learn how to ride aside. My interest in the jumper ring has begun to wane, I find myself bored in the show ring. I don’t get the rush I used to from hurtling over six foot high jumps, the rush may have been replaced by fear. Sure I could go back to riding hunters or even western pleasure, but I know why I choose to leave those show circuits and I have no intention of going back.

So in a couple of weeks, once the craziness around here settles down, I will be taking my first sidesaddle lesson. I’m really excited and I hope that this becomes a life long passion of mine! I can already hear Sweet Cheeks complaining about having to learn a new discipline. He’ll get over it!

From the Saddle: Happiness in the Herd

The cold winter drizzle soaked through my coat, into my skin and bones. I shivered a little as I walked towards the round pen. The horses stood in the tree line, attempting to stay dry. I sighed as I walked through the gate and shut it behind me.

Sweet Cheeks whinnied a little recognizing the grain bucket in my hand. “Come on Sweet Cheeks!” I hollered after him.

He trotted across the field as I poured a scoop into the grain pan. Boo boo trotted after him, followed by the White filly. I poured them each a scoop and set the empty bucket into the tack room. I ran my hand across my saddle, smiled and grabbed a halter off the hook.

The White filly stood munching her grain happily in the rain. I smiled at her, the picture reminded me so much of the mare she’s named after. I ran my hand across her back and rump. She stood still chewing. I slipped the halter down around her nose and buckled it. She sighed.

We stood together in the rain as she finished her grain. I ran my hands through her thin mane. Happiness struck me hard as I realized things were beginning to fall into place. She sighed as I braided her mane. “I’ve got to be careful.” I mumbled.

The knowing that this could all be taken away over flooded the happiness. Remembering the heartache I’d been through just a few months ago didn’t bring tears to my eyes. But knowing that I need to keep my heart guarded stung too much. I began to hate the reasons why I have to do that.

The White filly wiped her nose on my jeans. Sweet cheeks stood behind me, patiently waiting his turn. Boo boo stood licking his pan, hoping it’d produce more sweet feed. I sighed as I realized no matter what the happiness of standing in the horse herd couldn’t be broken.

I undid the buckle and let the filly walk off. I scratched the grey’s forehead and rubbed Boo boo’s neck. Happiness flooded me again as I thought about More. I thought about the way he kisses me and silently wished for a million more of those moments. 

Unbridled Happiness: Goodbye to the Past

This morning I woke up around four. I’m still in my work routine. The past couple of days I’ve been able to fall back asleep, but today I couldn’t. So I got out of bed and got dressed to run. I haven’t been out running in awhile, my doctor ordered me not to because of my broke rib.

I pulled the ipod out of the dresser drawer and clipped it on. I laced my running shoes up and stepped out into the cold fresh air. I snuggled in my hoddie as I warmed up. My mind was quiet and at peace, but I still needed the run.

I got down to the oiled road and struck out into a jog. Slow at first, just enough to test my muscles, just enough to make sure I could breath. When I didn’t collapse onto the ground I considered it a good sign. I picked up the pace and moved out faster.

Through the cottonwoods down the road past the pond and circle, up the road to the two mile mark. I was there before I realized it. I had pushed the physical and mental pain out of my mind and let my feet move me. I sat down on the top of the hill and looked out onto the meadow. It was quiet. I could see the faint outlines of trees, houses, and animals. I closed my eyes and realized I was crying.

Tennessee’s words were there, under the surface, lingering. I realized that he was right, I am a different person. I thought about how we hadn’t talked in six months. I thought about why I had called him, what had made me dig his number up. I realized that I really did call him because our relationship is easy. It’s not even a relationship, it’s simply someone to fall asleep with at night. We have no ever lasting connection. He has no wish to settle down. We are polar opposites. But it’s easy, easy because there is no everlasting commitment.

I dug my phone out of my hoodie pocket and found his phone number. I didn’t stare at it, I didn’t attempt to memorize it, I simply deleted the contact. “You are right, I don’t need you.” I sighed and put the phone back in my pocket. I looked up at Heaven, “if only it was always that easy.”

I stood up and moved back into a jog. Unbridled Happiness, I’ve still got it, and today it became a little bit stronger.

Oh and how does the knee feel? It fucking hurts! Thanks for asking.

Unbridled Happiness: The Beginning

It stung a little bit when I had to wait for him to pass so I could turn into work’s parking lot. It was my punishment for snoozing the alarm clock. I sighed closed my eyes hoping he wasn’t looking at me and counted to ten. The headlights passed by and I opened my eyes. He was in the rear view mirror, right where he should be. I sighed, “Handsome, my dear you torture me so.”  I parked my car in the parking lot and thought for a moment, “wait, it’s okay.” I shut the car off and walked into work. “No pain, wait what’s this.” I thought to myself. “Over him.” I realized. It rushed to me hard. It was the final ending to my hanging on. So this afternoon when I realized he had unfriended me on Facebook I was okay with that decision. “Guess we can’t be friends.” I thought to myself.

I sat down in the backroom and starred at my phone. There was a lingering text from Bowman, one that I hadn’t dealt with because my heart was too broken. “Okay.” I mumbled as I opened the text. “You’re my dream girl baby.”

I sighed as I stared at it. “I may be over him, but I’m NOT over you.” I mumbled. I closed the text and stared at the clock on the wall. The tears were welling.

I dialed D, feeling weak.

“Hey sweetheart. What’s up?” His voice was comforting.

“Well I’m over Handsome but not Bowman.” I mumbled

“Oh that’s progress.” He said. “Remember what I told you about running back to Bowman.”

“We need not worry about that, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want me back.” I mumbled.

This evening I sat staring out at the already darkened sky. I sighed then took a drink of my whiskey. In all honesty I should have been getting ready for my party, but instead I was hanging on to Bowman. I watched as a shooting star streaked across the sky. “One more wish.” That’s what I did, made one last wish. It wasn’t the same one I made on my birthday. It wasn’t a wish I had ever made before. It was a new wish, the wish that I honestly want.

My phone rang but I ignored it. I sat listening and watching. Then as quickly as I had wished it, it washed over me. Unbridled Happiness. I sighed, took another drink and thought about the future, the happiness that will be there. The continuation of the New Life. The new path I’ve chose and what I’ve decided to leave behind.

I’m leaving behind the worrying about other people’s opinions of me. I’m leaving behind my ex husband, Handsome, and maybe Bowman. I’m leaving behind every unhappy moment I’ve ever had. I’m leaving the pain, heartache, questions, and a small part of me wants to leave behind the hoping.

What I’m running to. An education, a chance to follow my dreams, and maybe somewhere along the line I will find Mr. Right. I made a statement last year, “If I meet Mr. Right he’s just going to have to wait.” But I don’t really want him to wait; I want him to ride along with me. I want him there to help me untangle the knots. I want him cheering for me as I make it into the Pro Circuit. But if Mr. Right isn’t ready to be with me, if Fate isn’t ready for him to step into my life, then that’s okay to. I’ll make it on my own, I’ve been a fighter from day one, and I’ll fight like Hell now. Cause I gained Unbridled Happiness tonight, and I plan on keeping it.

But “I’m still not over you.”