The New Life: What Roy Says Goes

The first time Big Roy visited me we didn’t have a conversation, we didn’t speak, we only acknowledged each other. As Sweet Cheeks and I loped hard across the South meadow I felt the urge to look over my shoulder and there he and Laker were, keeping in stride with us.

The next time he came I had honestly had way to much to drink, it may have been my imagination, but I’d like to think it was really him. It was the night I found out Charming had been cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend.

Roy stood in the room, it was dark and I could hardly see him, but he was there, I knew it. When I sat up in bed and stared at him I could see him better, “is it really you?” I asked.

He chuckled, “who else would it be?”

I sighed, “I don’t know. I’ve just been having some funny experiences lately.”

He smiled, “you’re becoming more sensitive.”

I shrugged and wrapped the covers around me, “I guess.”

“I met Sonny. She’s one hell of a woman. I can see so much of you in her.” He said softly.

I nodded, “She’s awesome. I’m glad you came and all but why?”

He chuckled and crossed his arms across his chest, “What you did wasn’t the answer.”

I sighed and rubbed my eyes, “I know.”

“Well if you know, why did you do it?” He asked

“Because it seemed like the answer at the time.” I said softly.

He sighed and sat down on the corner of the bed, “Not everyone is going to hurt you. I really think you need to talk to this man and hear his side of the story. Is it possible what you are hearing is a rumor from someone who doesn’t want to see you happy?”

I pulled my knees into my chest and thought for a moment, “yes.”

He nodded, “I want you to understand the past is the past. Sometimes you dwell in it and just live in the bitterness. You can’t live there; you can’t keep that in your heart. You need to learn to move on.”

I nodded as the tears welled.

“Just say goodbye and let it be that.” Roy said.

I knew what he was talking about, whom exactly I was supposed to say goodbye to.

“If you need to justify it to yourself, he wasn’t there when you got sick, and he hasn’t been there since. He’s no longer the man you fell in love with and the sooner you face it the better you are going to feel.” He said softly.

I nodded, “your right.”

“So just tell him goodbye.” Roy said softly.

I nodded again, “yes sir.”

He smiled, “Don’t feel that way girl, don’t. Not even for one second. Your life is going to be amazing if you learn to just go with the flow. You can not force anything to happen, God doesn’t work that way. Sometimes when you fall you just have to stand up, smile and move on, because that’s the only option you’ve got.”

I sighed, “Yes sir.”

“Give the good ones a second chance. They need it. Especially this new guy, because what you’ve heard happened with him, didn’t really, that I can promise you.”

“Yes sir.”

He smiled and gave me a hug, “Your world is just beginning. You’ve got lots of time; everything is going to work out for the best.”

I could feel his warmth for a second, “yes sir.” I started to cry as I realized he was gone.

For Roy

Back when I was a little girl Big Roy used to sing this song to me. It would always pull me out of the blues or a temper tantrum.
Today as I drove to the funeral this song played over the radio. It helped me to realize he hasn't completely left, I could almost hear him say this to shall pass.

The pastor spoke about how Big Roy had always had a smile on his face, how no matter how many times he fell he always stood back up and kept going. He let nothing get him down.
It touched my heart and helped me realize that Big Roy was trying to tell me it's time to stand back up and keep on walking. Something I'm attempting to do, something I hope makes him proud.

Love ya Roy.
Becki

The New Life: Big Roy's Final Words

I was so very lucky to see Big Roy a few days before he got sick, our conversation was so up lifting and happy, it’s hard to believe looking back that it’s only been a few short weeks. Big Roy was always there for me, even though I never leaned on him for emotional support I know he was always there and that he always cared.

We joked about a conversation he and I had at the grocery store back in March. Then suddenly it got serious and it began to feel as if there was something final about the conversation.

He reached across the table and grabbed my hand and suddenly said, “For you Baby Girl, the world is just beginning.”

I was shocked, to go from telling jokes to being serious, “what are you talking about?”

He simply smiled and repeated a little stronger, “for you the world is just beginning.” His smile faded and he said, “Don’t ever let anyone step on your dreams. Don’t let anything break you. Don’t stop until you are holding the stars in your hands. Promise?”

I nodded, still a little off kilter from the sudden change in subject.

He smiled at me again, “okay then.”

I sat staring at him for a moment, still trying to wrap my head around the sensation of finality. “I want you to know that I love as if you were my family.” He said quietly.

I smiled back, “I love you to Roy.”

He nodded and stood up and disappeared into the crowd. I watched him go and felt my heartbreak a little in my chest.

The World's a Little Dimmer Tonight...

Dear Leroy,

It broke my heart this afternoon when I heard you had lost your fight. I will miss you so very much, but I know that you are no longer in pain and that you and that big gelding Laker are back on the trails once again.
Grandpa always tells stories on you, just like you always told stories on him. I have two favorites, you rolling down the hill out back in a tractor tire your change flying out of your pockets, its funny because I could see you doing it, and the next when my uncles and grandpa hooked the outhouse seat up to the tractor battery and made it electric. I guess that's why the door still doesn't hang straight.

You were an amazing man, always laughing, I never remember you without a smile. You encouraged me to ride when no one else did. You were at my first horse show, probably cheering the loudest. I always looked up to you and felt as if you were family.
Your battle has been long and hard, and while it breaks my heart you've gone I am happy that you are finally out of pain. Enjoy the knee high grass up there, I'm glad you can see Laker again. I hope you'll visit me though, because the world won't be the same without your hearty laugh and wide smile.

Love you more then words can express and I'm happy I got to see you at branding time, and that you helped me wrestle my first calf.
Rest in Peace,
Becki Ann