The Sportster: Fear

I have a nasty feeling, but it’s only when I get around the Sportster. It’s a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that consumes me. It starts at my core and radiates out through my muscles and into my bones. It sucks me in and keeps me there until I walk away from my bike. It doesn’t happen around other bikes. I’m okay when I window shop at the dealers, or even when I’m on a different bike, it’s only the Sportster.

It’s the same feeling you get when you know something bad is going to happen. It’s the feeling when you find out your ex-boyfriend has a new girl. The feeling when you hear you have cancer. The feeling when someone says they don’t love you anymore. It’s a nasty feeling that you only know about if you’ve felt it before.

The Sportster didn’t always have this feeling around it. It didn’t have it until I realized just how dangerous it would be if I were to lose control over it. The fear was amplified when the dumbasses laid it down on me. But it wasn’t exploding until this past weekend.

I have a learners permit, and I’ve had it for several weeks now. I’ve learned how to operate the bike, but I’ve never handled it on my own, in a non-confined space, i.e. traffic. The genius D decided that we needed to change that, that this weekend would be prime time for me to take it out into traffic. But not just traffic, fucking rush hour, Omaha traffic.

I made it a little over 2 miles before I had a panic attack. I had to pull over, in a Walmart parking lot and let Tennessee, whom I wouldn’t trust with a demolition derby car, take over my bike. I climbed onto D’s Road King, without realizing I was doing it and rode down to the Harley dealership. We were back home before I stopped crying. It was awful, you would have thought I had just got my heart broke, again!

When we got home I sunk down onto the overstuffed couch in the living room. I was still shaking from the nerves pulsating through my body.

“Maybe it was to soon.” D said as he handed me a beer, an attempt to soothe my nerves.

“Fucking a right! What the hell were you thinking?” I said ignoring the beer being shoved in my face. Bella jumped onto the couch and laid her head onto my lap. I rubbed her ears.

“You are going to have to do it at some point.” He said as he sat down across from me.

“I told you I won’t ride alone in Omaha, and you fucking take me right to Omaha. God damn it!”

“Beck, you’ve got to get over your fear.” He said in a quiet voice.

“I’ll get over it but you can’t force me to do it!” I hollered, Bella jumped up and growled at D. “Just let me get comfortable.” I stood up and walked upstairs to my bedroom, Bella trotting behind me. I shut the door behind us, no not shut, slammed it behind us.

I crawled under the covers and closed my eyes, Bella laid down next to me, her silver head on the other pillow. I wasn’t crying any longer, the fear had subsided. I attempted to think about some of the better motorcycle rides I’ve been on. They only brought pain, I realized how disappointed Bowman would have been in me for bawling like a big baby.

Eventually I fell asleep. It was dark when I woke up. I stumbled downstairs, remembering the Sportster had been left in the driveway. I walked into the garage and turned the lights on. D had rolled it in and put it back in its place. I stared at it, that nasty feeling filling me. “You are going to hurt me aren’t you?” I whispered to it. I couldn’t hear it at first, but as I stared at it all I could hear was a very subtle yes. I growled and walked back into the house.

I won’t let fear keep me from riding. I enjoy being on motorcycles, I enjoy the feeling. But I’m going to have to find some way to keep the fear out of me, how I’m not sure yet…

The Sportster: Dumbasses + Motorcycle = Hurt

One of my greatest fears, above dying alone, is laying my bike down. I can picture all sorts of nasty scenarios, none of them end well. I even have nightmares about it. But my biggest mistake was admitting I had this fear to D. He’s now determined to get me over it, and it started today with out first “safety” lesson. I use the term safety very, very, loosely!

“We are going to lay it down real slow. It won’t be running and you won’t be moving. We are going to tip it over so you can learn how to get out from under it, how to tip it over; all that stuff.” He said as we stood in his driveway with a couple of our friends.

“D this doesn’t sound like a good idea.” I said as I tried to avoid it.

“Ah you are going to be just fine, we are all here.” Toby said.

“You are going to have to do it at some point.” Tennessee chimed in.

I shook my head, “no. Fuck no.”

After 30 minutes of arguing with D, Toby, and Tennessee I finally relented. Suddenly as the bike was laying on me I remembered what he had told me when he gave me the lessons, “I’m not a very good teacher.” I agreed with him.

Of course the dumbass, no I should say dumbasses, didn’t keep me from getting hurt. Once the bike got to a certain point the boys couldn’t keep gravity from it smacking me hard into the driveway. I have a developing bruise on my leg and shoulder, my hand has a couple of cuts from the concrete, and I don’t feel any better about tipping the damn bike over! As a matter of fact I think my fear is worse then it was before.

I did learn something from this all, don’t let dumbasses handle your motorcycle!

Welcome. I hope you'll Hang on for the Ride

I’ve noticed in the sidebar I’ve got some new “stalkers” welcome everyone; I hope you enjoy this crazy ass ride with me. It dawned on me that most of you probably don’t know who the main characters are in my Life, my story. So I thought I’d give you an outline of who everyone is.

First there is me, I’m Becks. I’m the author of this blog, the one living this story. I’ve been through a lot in my short 22 years. I grew up with a single mother with little to no contact with my father. I’ve been married, and divorced. My two passions in life are shooting and riding horses. The ultimate goal is the Olympics, either in archery or with my horses.

Then there is my Momma. She isn’t in the blog much. I try to keep it that way. Our relationship is the most important to me and I keep our struggles to myself. She is my number one fan, and if it wasn’t for her pushing me to be the best, I’d probably not be where I am today.

The Big D is my stand in father. I've known him since I started shooting; he was my first instructor and the one who encouraged me to follow all of my dreams. D has helped me achieve most of my goals. He helped me purchase Arie, the pink Parker. He's put me through lessons with pros, and decked my bow out in some of the nicest gear on the market. He helped me purchase my Sportster and even bought me lessons to learn how to ride it. We reconnected after my divorce. He's been with me through every step of the way. He's held the umbrella in the lightning storms and flown the kite on windy days. D is a remarkable man and I will always love him like my father.

I often remark that Sonny was my second mom. She was always good for a lesson or a scolding, a lot of times both. She once told me she loved me like the daughter she never had. In 2010 she passed away from cancer. I miss her dearly and often dream and or believe she is really with me. I draw strength from her memory and would like to think it really is her I talk with when I call for her.

There are several characters that come and go in this blog. Several are ladies I rode with at the academy; some are former trainers of mine. Pecos Bill is a close family friend whom often takes me riding or hunting, he’s another stand in father. D.W. is a family friend who died when I was 16, he’s the one who instilled the love of horses in me. Beans is a woman that I am in the art society with, she claims to hold the power to read the stars and see the future, she says there is a Mr. Right out there, and that if I believe in the power of constellation The Archer what I seek will find me. Then there are the Ex Boyfriends, Handsome and Bowman, they linger in the past blogs. There are new and old friends alike, Waterfowler, Big Rick, Ty, Farmer, Stephens, M.C.

I can’t predict the future characters. But I do promise I am looking forward to sharing my story with them and then with you. I invite you to stay for this crazy ride. Who knows where it’ll end. After all I am still looking for that Happily Ever After, if it really does exist.

The New Life: This Time for Good

“You coming up for the Big Buck?” D asked.

I hesitated, “I don’t know yet.”

“Well I hope you’ll come.” He said quietly.

“Can I stay?” I asked fighting back the tears.

“Of course.” He replied.

“No I mean for good.” I said as the first tear rolled down my cheek.

“What happened?” He asked.

“I’m tired and I need out.”

He paused, “Oh babes.”

“I don’t want to talk about it. I just want out.” I whispered.

“Okay. You come and we will figure something out.” He replied.

“Thanks for being the best.” I mumbled.

We talked about my scores and talked about me shooting in the Classic. I was hesitant. The competition is so much stiffer. The ladies there have been shooting a lot longer; they’ve got most of it figured out. “But if you don’t try you’ll never know.” D had protested. So I guess it’s in my future to shoot one of these competitions, and maybe stay in Omaha for good.

As for what is making me run, well it’s the same things. It’s Bowman, the best friend, and the want of a happily ever after. I knew coming home was a mistake, but I let this town suck me back in. Because no matter how much I complain, no matter how mad it makes me, it is my hometown, and I won’t be able to escape it for long.

The New Life: Looming in the Moonlight

I settled into the tall grass down in the clearing. I hadn’t been there for weeks; I had all but forgotten this place. It hadn’t called me, it hadn’t drawn me, but after two weeks in Omaha I figured it wouldn’t. That was until the run in at the range. I pulled into the parking lot, made my way up to the range and saw the bow case before I saw him. I recognized it instantly and caught my breath in my chest. “Are you ready for this?” I had mumbled to myself. I hesitated wondering if I was.

The full moon was hidden behind the building clouds. I could feel something lurking in the trees; I hoped it wasn’t a mountain lion. “Why is this bothering me?” I asked out loud.

I heard her voice before I saw her moving through the faded moon light, “Because you gave him the power to do it.”

“Is this a haunting?” I asked to scared to move.

She sighed, “Stop being silly, you asked me to come.”

I nodded, “I guess I did.”

“Why did you give him the power to play with your heart?” She asked.

I shook my head, “I don’t know Sonny. In all honesty I was fine until he flipped an attitude.”

“Well he’s just showing you who he really is.” She said.

“In his defense I did use the attitude first.” I mumbled.

“Don’t fucking defend him!” She yelled.

I closed my eyes. “Sonny I’m over him. Honestly I am, my heart doesn’t hurt anymore and I am moving on.”

“Don’t worry about Bowman. Keep yourself collected while shooting. I watched you; can you explain any of those groups to me?” She asked, her voice rambling in my head.

“I was distracted. I don’t have an excuse.” I whispered out loud.

“You can’t do that at the shoot. You can’t be like that if you want to go pro.” She said quietly.

“I know. Big Rick and Ty will be there, I’m hoping they’ll keep me on track. Can you help me?” I asked.

I could almost hear her smile, “I’ll help you as much as I can. My first advice, don’t fucking worry about his shit.”

I laughed.

“So tell me about Waterfowler.” She said changing subjects.

I sunk into the seat of my car staring out onto the open meadow. I sighed thinking about her advice. I remembered the promise I had made myself at D’s dinner table, “I’ll be on top no matter what.” I thought about how I shot and the horrible feeling of being distracted. “It’s going to get better; he didn’t break my heart tonight, that’s a start.” I mumbled to myself. I grabbed my phone as I started my car.

Big D: “Hey baby Girl everything okay?”

I smiled. “If it’s not now it will be.”

The New Life: Changes

The nightmares stopped that night. Instead I dreamt of shooting and riding, I dreamt of the Olympics and the gold medal. The next morning I sat at the dining room table as D read the paper. "Has she ever visited you before?" I asked.
He laid the paper down, a puzzled look swept across his face, "A couple of times. I figured she would be around yesterday." He said.
I cocked my head to the side, "Why?"
He smiled, "I felt you let go, let go of fear. I saw the hope come back to you. I knew she was here."
I smiled, "It was that noticeable."
He nodded, "What changed that? What brought the hope back?"
"I'm not sure. I guess it's just because I'm tired of being sad. Tired of pretending everything is okay, so I decided that it really is okay."
"Is that why you are shooting better?" He asked.
I shook my head, "No that's because of spite."
He laughed, "What?"
"I'm going to get competitive. I'm going to put my heart and soul into shooting that bow. Because I am a woman scorned and Hell hath no furry..."
"Like a woman scorned." He said with a smile.
"One day I'll be at the top." I said with a smile, "One day I'll have that gold medal. If it isn't from riding it'll be from shooting."
He smiled, "Here's the Beck I've been waiting for."
I nodded, "Yep. She's here to stay to."

The New Life: Her Song

I stood in the kitchen watching the quiet rain fall on the yard. The sun was setting in the trees. I sighed and leaned onto the kitchen counter staring out the picture window. Bella laid at my feet, my corgis snuggled next to her.
The house was silent. Bella's ears perked before I heard it.



"You feel like you're falling backwards
Like you're slippin' through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can't see it now"

 "Hey Girl what are you doing?" D asked as he came through the hallway.
I straightened up, a little startled and looked over to him, "Hey. I was just thinking about what to make for dinner."
He smiled, laid the keys down on the counter, "not trying to nest are you?" He said with a laugh.
"No D, just trying to be a good house guest." I said.
"House guests don't cook." He said. "I'll order a pizza."
I nodded, "kay."
He disappeared, leaving me in the kitchen.
"You heard it to huh." I whispered to Bella. My corgis still sleeping beside her. She cocked her head to the side as the singing began again.

"But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will"

"It's a familiar song. The voice, it's familiar too." I whispered to her. She stood up and came over to me. I rubbed her head and listened a little longer.

"You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You're just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
And you don't know it yet"

"Hey D." I yelled to him through the house.
He came trotting out of the office, "Whats wrong?"
"That singing do you hear it?" I asked.
He stood quiet for a second, "I think you are imagining things."
"It's very familiar. I've heard it before." I mummbled closing my eyes.
"Beck you okay." He asked laying his hand on my arm.
I opened my eyes, "Yeah. It must be nothing."
He half heartidly smiled, "Okay. So I'm going to order stuffed crust."
I nodded. He went back to the office. Bella whined a little and sat where he had been standing. "You hear it to, it's not just me."

"Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you're made of, you're made of"

"One day you will
Oh one day you will"

Bella lept to her feet and ran to the sliding glass door. My corgis heard her run and quickly chased after her. I turned my head to catch a glimpsie of her at the window. I caught my breath in my chest. "Hey." I whispered.
She smiled, her blue eyes beaming in life, "remember Baby Girl, it'll all be alright."
I nodded.
"Hey Beck, why don't you call your momma and have her come over." He said as he walked out of the office over to where I was. "What's wrong?"
She faded as he touched my arm. "You are so white, Beck are you okay?" He said as he reached up and touched my face.
I flinched, "uh yeah. I'm okay."
"Beck."
"She sang to me. The song she used to sing when I was hopeless." I whispered.
He cocked his head to the side, "Who?"
"Sonny." I whispered.
He caught his breath in his chest. "Oh Beck."

The New Life: Weekend at Ds

I lay in bed staring up at the ceiling. Bella squirmed as her nose stuck out from under the comforter. She’d hastily gotten into bed as soon as I pulled the comforter back and refused to move once I had gotten in. “She usually sleeps in that bed alone.” D had told me earlier when I had put my stuff in the room.

“I’m sure we will get along just fine.” I had said as I patted her on the head.

I slid over in the king sized bed to give her more room. She groaned and stretched out, “you are as bad as a man.” I mumbled as I shoved the pillow under my head. She snorted and rolled around under the comforter so her paws were pressing against my back. “Come on now we have to share the bed.” I mumbled. She pushed a little harder, “D thinks you've got personality." I said exaggerating the last word, "I think you are a spoiled brat.”

Eventually we had stopped arguing and both had fallen asleep. I awoke from a dream around one and she had taken to her side of the bed. I brushed my hair out of my face and tried to catch my breath. Nightmares have been bothering me for the last couple of weeks. I tried to relax in bed but couldn’t do it, so I got up and walked downstairs to the kitchen.

D had built this house from the ground up, he’d only been living in it for a week. It was oddly close to my dream house, I had thought that when I had arrived at the doorstep, “familiar.” When I had first learned D was building a new home I was amazed. He’d lived in the house he was born in; he’d lived in it for close to forty years. “Why are you moving?” I had asked.

“Because I need more space and I think it’s time to move on.” He had replied.

I stood in the kitchen as I replayed that through my mind. “Better late then never.” I mumbled as I found a glass. The fridge was stuffed full of food. D had found his inner chef somewhere after his mother had passed. He’d mastered everything but brownies, he still begged me to bake those, and after tasting his version I knew why. I grabbed the Coke out of the fridge and poured an almost full glass. I settled it back in the fridge and walked down to the game room.

The lights flickered on as I found the light switch. “If you’d keep the whiskey in the kitchen.” I mumbled, building my argument for if he walked in. I walked past the pool table over to the bar. I set my glass down on the bar and walked around it. I touched each bottle as I looked for the Jameson. When I reached it I kissed the bottle then poured a double, maybe it was a triple. I smiled put the bottle back and took the remote off of the bar top.

I sunk into the leather couch and turned on the flat screen. Eventually Bella came to find me, “what’s wrong you had the bed to yourself.” I mumbled as she jumped up beside me. “You could have at least brought a blanket.” I mumbled. She groaned and laid down next to me, her silver head hanging off of the couch, “don’t blame it on me.” I mumbled then took a sip of my mainly whiskey and Coke. I closed my eyes and listened to the quiet chatter on the TV. When I had finished my whiskey I took the glass back to the kitchen and found my way to the garage.

I walked past the newly hung Harley memorabilia. Bella’s tags clinked behind me, “you could be quieter.” I whispered. She snorted but kept following me. We made it to the garage where I flicked the florescent lights on. The pickup was thawing out leaving puddles on the floor. My eyes shifted from it over to the row of bikes. D had put the Panhead back together and then had bought another addition, a 1957 Sportster. It sat uncovered between my Sportster and the Road King. The five bikes sat perfectly aligned along the edge of the garage, The Road King, The Vintage Sportster, My Sportster, The Panhead, and finally The Fat Boy. I smiled at the line up. Along the wall behind them hung pictures of vintage Harleys, pictures I had found for him. “Eventually I’ll get a shop built just for the bikes.” He had mumbled as we stood in the garage earlier in the day admiring the pictures we'd just hung.

Bella sat on the top step and stared at me. I sighed and walked over to my bike, she was uncovered, I’d been messing with her earlier in the day, and despite D’s insistence I had left the cover off. A habit he said he’d break me of. I laughed as I thought about it all.

In all the time we had known each other I hadn’t once asked to ride his motorcycle. He’d always had one and he had always wanted me to ride; I guess it wasn’t what Fate wanted. Fate wanted my first ride to be with someone else, someone special. I ran my hand across the paint and smiled.

“I know what’s going to happen. I’m going to swing my leg over and shit will hit the fan.” I whispered. She beckoned to me, drew me closer, begging me to just swing over. I walked around her admiring her grace. She was prettier then the older Sportster, more graceful. Of course motorcycles aren’t supposed to be graceful; they are supposed to be masculine, but not her. I slid my hand across the seat and finally swung over. I took her off of the stand and sat down, balancing her between my legs.

It was rapid, the rush of emotions. I had bottled them up, fought them every step of the way, but I couldn’t stop them now. I thought about how I wanted so badly to ride with Bowman. How I could have spent every single second of everyday on the back of his bike. I remembered the first time I had felt the rush of the bike, how I was instantly hooked. Then I felt it, his hand on my knee, and I lost it. I lost every ounce of strength I had built up. It rushed over me and I knew why the nightmares were haunting me.

“Damn it.” I sobbed through the pain. “I thought I was over him.”

Bella whined as she stared at me. D stepped out from around the door and watched me. “You okay?” he asked.

I nodded.

He stepped out into the garage, “I was hoping this wouldn’t happen.”

I shrugged, “I knew it was going to.”

He sighed, “Is there anyway to make it better?”

I sat quietly for awhile. “Probably not.”

“Oh.” He whispered.

My eyes met his. “I thought I was over him, over the damn pain. But here I am again crying.”

He nodded, “You said you wouldn’t cry anymore.”

“I know.” I moaned, and then settled the bike back onto the stand. I swung around and took a step back.

“You know it’s okay to not be over him yet. It’s okay to remember riding with him, shooting with him, loving him. It’s okay for all of that to still be there.” D said in a low voice, “after all you thought he was the other half of your soul.”

I nodded but didn’t make eye contact. "I still love him."

“You can still love him, but you can’t hold out hoping he will be back. Does a part of you still think he is your soul mate?”

I stood silently.

“Beck, now is the time to let Fate have the reins.” He said quietly, “Let the Lord guide you. Let Sonny help you. Let someone else have the reins. I know you ride to win, but maybe this with him is a ride you can't win."

A Bowhunter's Legacy: Broken Promise

D sat across from the table. He looked over his beer glass with a straight face. “What did you do?”

I squirmed in my chair, “I messed my bow up.”

He sighed, “Beck I told you if you needed something done you needed to ask Bowman or me.”

“Well Bowman wasn’t exactly an option. I asked, I know, and you, you were a little absent. What did you want!” I said getting frustrated.

“We had a deal. You broke your promise. You are going to have to figure out how to fix it yourself.” He said leaning back in his chair.

I sighed, “Fine.”

We sat in silence for awhile. “I mean it Beck. Fix it or I won’t buy you that new bow.” He said sternly staring me down.

“I got it D. Now can we change the subject?” I took a drink of my wine and stared at him.

“What do you want to talk about?” He asked.

“Well for starters why you’re being so damn pissy?” I said setting my glass on the table.

He sighed, “I’m just frustrated.”

“With what?” I asked.

“You.”

I sighed and put my head in my hands.

The New Life: One Rein Stop

I sat with D in the front yard. The fire pit was roaring in front of us. He’d come up for deer season, but by the amount of whiskey we’d both already consumed I knew we weren’t getting up early. “Glad you came.” I said with a smile.

“No problem. I hope you find your buck tomorrow.” He said then took a swig of his straight whiskey.

“That has to burn.” I mumbled as I rolled mine around in my hand.

“You do it too.” He retorted, “Sometimes straight out of the bottle. Don’t deny it I’ve seen you do it!”

“Yeah but I don’t take big swigs like that.” I mumbled.

He laughed, “So how did yesterday go? He show up at the range?”

I nodded thinking about the mess of last night, “tore me to pieces.”

“He did?” He asked.

“No. Just seeing him, the circle of the conversation we had made it worse.” I mumbled then took a drink. The whiskey filled my nose then slid down my throat and burned. I stared at the fire. “Sucks.” I whispered.

“Just when you’re starting to heal.” D mumbled back.

I nodded. “But I guess it’s time to move on. He’s not willing to stop running.” I paused then looked over to D, “I remember the first time I did a one rein stop. It was shortly before I was in my riding accident, same damn horse.” I paused as I imagined the blood bay, “We were in a circuit show. He spooked and clamped down on the bit.” I leaned back in the chair and took another drink of my whiskey, “I reached down on the left and pulled, just enough to slow him. It took a little bit but he eventually stopped.” I said closing my eyes. “Everything was okay after that.” The tears were beginning to form.

It was quiet for a little bit, I listened to the fire pit and fought the tears and memories. “Beck.” He whispered.

I cut him off “The thing about a one rein stop is sometimes you flip the horse and more then likely you get hurt. Hurt bad.” I trailed off.

He sighed, “You just have to know how much pressure to put on.”

I nodded. “I was once told that if a one rein stop didn’t work your last resort was to watch out for the yucca plants and bail.” I looked over at D and half heartily smiled. “Should I bail?” I asked him.

He leaned back in his chair and looked up at the pitch black sky, “I can’t tell you that. But I can tell you that when I first learned to ride a motorcycle I was taught that if you ever get into a wreck stay with the bike.”

I nodded then looked down at my whiskey. “I had a friend in high school that was drinking whiskey. He blew it into the fire then inhaled really quickly, burned his face, nostrils and throat.”

D stared at me, “Wow that was a real change of subject.”

I smiled, “sometimes you have to change leads.”

He nodded. “What does that mean?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Watch out for the yucca plants.” He said with a smile.

“I’m more worried about the barbed wire fence.”

He nodded, “I think it’s funny how you relate everything to training horses.”

I laughed, “Well I am a horse trainer.”

“And a damn good one. Don’t ever doubt that.” He said with a smile.

We sat in silence for a little while. “I’m getting my knee done.”
“I know.” He said quietly.

“What happens if I don’t recover and don’t make it to the Olympics?” I mumbled staring straight ahead.

He sighed, “Your going to make it.”

The New Life: The Sportster

I sunk down onto the couch. Bella jumped up next to me, put her front paws on my leg and laid her silver head on the back of the couch. “If she bothers you just tell her to get down. Want a beer or something?” He asked as he walked into the kitchen.

“Just a coke.” I called after him.

“I’ve got some whiskey.” He said.

I snorted, “Yeah my whiskey.”

“Oh no that’s long gone, pretty good stuff.” He said as he came back into the living room.

I glared at him.

“I’m kidding.”
“Just a coke please.”

“Tequila still kicking you?” He asked as he disappeared again.

“Yes.” I moaned. Bella grunted, upset I was ignoring her. “Lay down.” I crooned. She sighed then curled up on the corner cushion of the couch.

D came back into the room and her ears perked. He handed me the Coke and then sat down in the lazy boy across from me. “How’s the knee?” He said as he popped the top of his Coke.

I shook my head, “Still attached.”

He smiled, “Still having the surgery?”

“Yeah, in January. I may change surgeons since I’ll be here.” I said with a sigh already dreading it.

“Well maybe if you change surgeons you can get in sooner.”  He said.

I stared at the cold coke in my hand. “Maybe.”

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

I fought the tears back. “Nothing.”

He sighed, “Liar.”

“It’s just the tequila hangover.” I said in a whisper. Bella squirmed so that her head could touch my knee.

“Becks.” He whispered.

“You don’t understand. It doesn’t matter I still love him.” I said as the tears started again. “It’s been a few days since I cried and I just had to go and text him last night.”

He leaned back in his chair. “You know my opinion about this.”

I sighed, “I know, but that doesn’t stop my heart. It doesn’t heal the pain.”

He closed his eyes, “I hate this.”

“What?” I asked.

“You in pain. If he honestly loved you he’d realize you’re in pain and that you still love him and want to fix things. Beck don’t fool yourself, I think he’s over it.”

I shook my head, “I don’t know. He won’t say.”

“Either way you need to be over this too.” He said in almost a whisper.

I closed my eyes, “No matter what I say or do I can’t recover.”

We sat in silence for awhile. I eventually opened my Coke and recovered from the tears. I rubbed Bella’s foot as she stretched out.

“She’s a pest sometimes.” He said.

“I don’t mind. Have you met my two?”

He laughed. “Yeah.”

“So I know that new bike is around here somewhere. I have to assume that’s why you brought me here.” I said as I sat my Coke down on the coffee table.

He smiled, “You think so huh.”

“You called me Friday and told me that the bike was mine. Don’t play with me.”

He laughed, “Fine. Come on.” He stood up. Bella leapt to her feet and trotted beside him starring up at him. I stood up and followed them.

We trekked through the gourmet kitchen, designed by his mother, through the laundry room into the garage. He closed the door behind me. I admired the Dodge and Harley memorabilia around the garage as the florescent lights flickered on.

“It’s over here.” He said motioning.

I followed him around the Jeep he’d been “rebuilding” for two years now over to where the motorcycle collection sat. I laid my hand on the gleaming Husker red Road King, “When did you get the Pan Head?” I asked as I stared at the bike in pieces on the floor.

He chuckled, “Well that ones a long story. I got it a couple weeks ago, I was supposed to rebuild it but the guy’s wife told him to sell it. So since I was already rebuilding it I just bought it, figured I’d find someone to buy it once it’s done.”

“You and your rebuilding projects.” I said motioning over to the Jeep.

“Hey now.”

“What. Honestly two years to rebuild a Jeep?” I said with a laugh.

He rolled his eyes.

“So a couple of weeks ago you told me you bought a new bike, is this it?” I said as I moved over to the black bike next to the Road King.

“Yeah.” He said. “I traded the Road Glide in for it.”

I nodded, “I was just going to ask you where it was. So what is this bike?” I asked.

“A Harley.”

“No shit Sherlock.” I mumbled.

“It’s a Fat Boy.”

“I haven’t seen one in person.” I mumbled as I admired the bike.

“It’s okay. I’m pretty impressed you recognize a Road King and a Pan Head.” He said as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“Well Bowman did teach me a thing, maybe two.” I said with a smirk.

“Oh geeze.” He said rolling his eyes. “This one over here,” he paused, “is the one we bought.”

I smiled, “We.”

“Well kinda. I figured I’d make the first few payments on it. Kind of a bribe for coming home.” He said with a smile as he took the cover off.

The gleaming blue Sportster I had been pining over said hello. I caught my breath in my chest.  I’d spent an outrageous amount of money on it, but I was happy, I had a bike of my own.

“Promise your going to ride it.” He said.

“I promise.”

“Good, then you may need this.” He walked over to his tool box and dug through the top drawer. He walked back to me with an envelope in hand. “Classes. I’m a good teacher but you’re going to need some professional help. Besides when you are done you’ll have your license and be in Sturgis with the boys.”

I smiled, “D you are the best.”

“I want one more promise.” He said as he handed me the envelope.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“No more tears.”

I met his eyes and paused, “It’ll be hard.”

“That’s what this bike is for, a distraction.”

I laughed, “I’ll try my hardest.”

He nodded in agreement. “Give him some time.”

“Kay.” I said as I starred at the Sportster, the new love of my life.

I took this picture the very first time I met this bike.
 It's been on my mind since then.

The New Life: I Promise

 It washed over me like the ocean washes over the white beaches in San Diego, sleep. I fell hard into it; I was immediately in a dream. It was still and quiet. The sun was just beginning to rise over the valley our house sits in.
I pulled my pink fleece closer to me as the cold bit at me. I heard the footsteps behind me, and then felt the hand on my shoulder. I turned my head to see Sonny standing next to me.

“Hey Baby Girl.” She said. “Give me a hug.” She wrapped me in her embrace and let me cry. “Listen. I promise you that everything is going to work out just fine. You’re going to be okay.”
I met her blue eyes. “Sonny, it hurts so bad.”
“Cancer it’s scary. Then to top of losing the man you love, well that’s just cruel, and I’m sorry it worked out that way. It shouldn’t have.” She brushed my bangs off of my forehead. “But I promise your going to be fine.”

We stood quietly for awhile as the sun rose, “Dawn was always my favorite time of day.” I mumbled.
“Yeah I know. That’s why we are here.”

The sun cracked over the hills. Through the clouds on the horizon the sun shone a brilliant purple and orange across the Sandhills range. I could see the silhouettes of the horses and hear the Sandhills Carnes welcoming the dawn.

“A new beginning.” She whispered.

I woke this morning and starred up at the leaky skylight. There was a dim light shinning in. I sighed and looked over at the clock, 10:30. I was late. I was supposed to meet D at the hotel at 8:30 so we could leave. I sighed again and pulled the blankets closer around me.

Around 11:00 there was a knock on the door. “Yeah.” I mumbled.

“Can I come in?” D asked.

“Yeah.” I mumbled again, motionless.

“Holy crap it’s freezing in here.” He mumbled as he closed the door behind him. “You going to get out of bed today?” He asked.

I could smell his cologne, it warmed me. “No.” I whispered as he sat down in the chair by the dresser.

“Why?” He asked. “Thought we were going to Deadwood.”

“I’m not ready to be on a bike yet.” I mumbled.

“Oh.” He said.

We sat quietly for awhile. Tears were gently rolling down my cheeks into my hair. My chest hurt.

“I do believe my heart has physically broke.” I mumbled.

He sighed. “We talked about this. Fuck him. If he doesn’t believe the truth he isn’t fucking worth it.” D said a little hostile.

“I know.” I sighed. It grew quiet for awhile. My mind wouldn’t slow as I tried to figure out what Bowman thought I was lying about. “It sucks.”

“That it does.” He whispered.

“I’m thinking about coming back to Omaha.” I mumbled.

He sighed, “Finally.”

“Yep.” I said sitting up in bed. I reached over and turned the light on. “I don’t think I can stay here.”

"I don’t want you to run, but, honestly Omaha has so many more opportunities.”

I nodded. “I’m thinking about going back to the show world.”

He smiled, “well in all honesty you should have never left it.”

I nodded, “I know.”

“So where you going to start?” He asked.

“I’m not sure. But I figured I’d cold call some barns, talk to some barn managers and see where it goes. If I have to clean stalls and work a couple of jobs for now, well then that’s what I’m going to do.” I said clearly.

He smiled, “I’ll help you as much as I can.”

“Thanks, but I want to do it on my own. I need to show myself that I can do what ever I want on my own.”

He smiled, “There is the woman you are supposed to be, right there in that statement.” He stood up and patted my leg. “You’re going to be just fine.”

I smiled at him. “Eventually.”

He walked over to the door. I stopped him, “Hey D.”

He turned and looked at me, “Yeah Babe.”

“Promise me I’ll be okay.”

He smiled, “Your going to be better then okay. I promise.”