The New Life: What will be, Will be

The belief in happily ever after, love at first sight, or even fairy tales had started to fade. If you’ve read the back posts you can assume that for yourself. The love and passion I had felt for Bowman had been sucked out of me. I lingered in the happy moments as much as possible not wanting to face the reality that it was really over and was time to move on. I worried when he came to the range, worried I wouldn’t be able to keep the emotions in. Worried the he was the only chance for happiness, the only opportunity to love someone. Prospective boyfriends faded quickly, unwilling to show me they had courage, unable to bring back that rush, until last night.

Things may have changed last night. It’s hard to tell at this point, but I guess we will see what is written in the stars. We shall see if he is the one who brings back the hope for Happily Ever After. It isn’t love at first sight, its attraction, but it could be love eventually. Who knows maybe this is a fairy tale after all and I’ve finally made it out of the dark.

“In time all things will be known”

Fall in The Clearing

You hear it every day
Once upon a time they say
Once upon a time in this place
I looked and saw on your face
A smile that spoke to me
In oh so many ways

Hoping and believing
That love built this garden
For the two of us to dream in



We’d get a little rain
Then the sun came out again
But a frost it’s hard to fight
Once it takes hold flowers die
There’s only so much you can do
To keep some things alive

Sad to say, it’s true
Without a lover who
Cares as much

_Love Built a Garden_
Elton John
Re-read the lyrics, it's not about a garden at all



This is where I have found comfort lately, in the clearing. Hidden in the tall grass and bare branches. I sit and wait, for what I'm not sure. The deer have migrated for the winter, to better ground with more forage and cover. I don't carry my bow when I go, I usually just find my way there at odd times of the day, times when my mind is clear.
I'm not sure what draws me. Maybe it's the memory of hunting here. Maybe it's the empty deer trails with the fallen leaves. Maybe it's the frozen lake. It's all gone like the love, gone. Soon there will be a heavy snow and the tall dry grass will be gone too. Soon the wind will blow and the dried leaves will blow away.
But what keeps drawing me here...

The New Life: The Games end NOW

My feet hit the pavement hard, my red hair whipped in the wild wind, music blared through my ears, my lungs stung hard, my calves ached with pain, but I pushed myself harder. I picked up the pace and pushed for the last quarter mile.

I reached the top of the hill that marks two miles. I slowed and sunk to my hands and knees, panting, barley able to breathe. Through the gasps for air tears streamed down my face. Worries about work and family flooded me. I sobbed harder and sucked cold air into my lungs.

I stayed on my knees in the gravel until I caught my breath. I sat down and looked out into the valley. The cows were grazing peacefully, unaware of any troubles in life. I was still crying, but my anxiety medicine had kicked in. I took deep breaths and relaxed. I listened to the wind whipping through the short grass. I could smell the alkaline lakes in the valley.

I closed my eyes and let the sandhills soothe my soul. I replayed recent, happy, memories in my head. I relaxed, the tears subsided, and so did the fear. “It’s all just a game.” I could hear him say, “Just a game.” I laughed, “Yes your right.” I mumbled then stood up and wiped the gravel off of me.

The walk home seemed longer then the run. My body begged for mercy. I pushed on and finally made it home. I went straight to the tub and sunk into a bubble bath. I relaxed and stopped worrying.  I’m not entirely sure what relaxed me. Maybe it was the happy memories. Maybe it was knowing that my safe harbor is very close.

I did decide that no matter what I’m not going to let people fuck with me anymore. I’ve learned over the past couple of weeks that you can’t carry work home with you. It has to stay at work. I’m making an effort to leave it there. I’m also making an effort to improve in my job. We will see how it goes. But no matter what I’m not going to let people mess with me anymore. I’m done playing those games, life is too damn short…