Dear You... The Goodbye

It’s been coming for awhile now. I just had to know in my own heart that it was the right decision for me. I want to say goodbye, I guess I never really did after the breakup, and maybe that is what’s been so difficult for me to cope with.

I no longer want to harbor bitterness in my soul, just an understanding that you couldn’t offer me what I needed when I needed it, and it’s not your fault or mine, it’s just how it was supposed to be. I honestly wish that things could have been different, that the friendship we had built would have sustained us through our hard times. But apparently we hadn’t cemented our foundation soundly, because it collapsed the first time it was tested.

In hindsight I did lean on you to much, and I have no excuse only an apology for it. I’m sorry for anything I ever did that hurt you, no matter how minor the pain. I’m sorry that my own selfish attitude got in the way and that I only saw I needed support through what was happening, that I didn’t see you needed some support also.

There is nothing I can do to fix what happened between us. But please know that if I could fix everything, if I could rewind and start over I would, in hopes the outcome would be different.

I’m sorry for anything I did to you in a mean or selfish spirit. I’m sorry that we couldn’t just enjoy life together, that I couldn’t just go with the flow and let life happen. My controlling and selfish attitude simply got in the way, and for that I am sorry too.

Letting go and saying an end all goodbye was a hard decision for me. I recognize that it’s a high probability I’m walking away from the other half of my soul, that part is painful. Knowing that you won’t be there the first time I get back on my bike, knowing I won’t be able to ever ride with you, even knowing that if it hadn’t been for you I wouldn’t be riding at all; it’s all going to hurt. Giving up a love that once made me so happy, that pushed me through the hard times, which also made me step outside of my comfort zone; leaving it behind is painful. But it’s something I am going to have to do.

I don’t want to end the friendship. That’s a part I can’t live with. I appreciate you reading this blog and the small conversations we have, I appreciate every second and every little text. I would like to rebuild the friendship; to make it similar to what it was when it first started. However I understand if you don’t desire to and honestly I wouldn’t blame you. But I’ve changed more then you recognize and I’d appreciate a second chance at some point, even if it isn’t right this second.

I wish you all the luck in life. I pray that any pain you feel from now on be minor, that it doesn’t change who you are, and that you are able to forgive. I pray you find a love so pure that nothing can destroy it. But mostly I pray that somewhere at some point you find who you are really supposed to be, and that you allow yourself to become him.

Goodbye dear. Please don’t forget what I told you, that I am with you through anything and everything. If you ever need me you know where my home is and you know my number.

Love,

Becki Ann