Dear You

Dear You,

Sonny keeps telling me to fight, fight for what I want, for what I feel is mine. She says that you fought for me the first time, with Handsome, and now it’s my turn. But I can’t help but feel as if that isn’t what you want.

Seeing you with her broke my heart all over again. I thought I was over being completely shattered, it turns out I’m not. And now because I stood there debating weather to answer your text tonight or just go to bed, and chose the first option, I’ll be up all night.

I have dreams, vivid dreams, ones I haven’t shared because I don’t want to interfere. They all revolve around that pink dress in the closet. They all revolve around the Blue King, they all sit deep within me. When Charming reached around the other day and rubbed my knee like you did, I lost it, bawled like a big fucking baby. Sonny says I can have whatever I want if I just fight.

But I’m not sure fighting is an option, not at this moment in time anyway. My life hasn’t improved any, the job has, but the family aspect still sucks, my health still sucks, I don’t have much to offer you but the heart in my chest, and right now it’s not to healthy either. I don’t know how your relationship is, I remember what it was like in March, but I figured since your still with her its improved…..

Maybe all I need is to just get away. Not seeing you or the guys, not turning everytime I hear a bike, not hoping one day you’ll walk into the store and wanna talk. Not sitting in the clearing wishing you’d show up. Not dream about the brick streets and see that picture everytime I turn on this computer. Maybe that’s all it will take to heal, to forget.

I don’t know what I want to say with this letter. Usually I have time to think about it, but lately I haven’t really been thinking about the hurt and pain, well until Saturday that is.

I want to fight so fucking bad. So bad that I can taste it in my mouth, so bad my muscles ache. But will fighting do me any good?

I doubt it….

Love ya, always, no matter what.

Becki Ann