The Sportster: Dumbasses + Motorcycle = Hurt

One of my greatest fears, above dying alone, is laying my bike down. I can picture all sorts of nasty scenarios, none of them end well. I even have nightmares about it. But my biggest mistake was admitting I had this fear to D. He’s now determined to get me over it, and it started today with out first “safety” lesson. I use the term safety very, very, loosely!

“We are going to lay it down real slow. It won’t be running and you won’t be moving. We are going to tip it over so you can learn how to get out from under it, how to tip it over; all that stuff.” He said as we stood in his driveway with a couple of our friends.

“D this doesn’t sound like a good idea.” I said as I tried to avoid it.

“Ah you are going to be just fine, we are all here.” Toby said.

“You are going to have to do it at some point.” Tennessee chimed in.

I shook my head, “no. Fuck no.”

After 30 minutes of arguing with D, Toby, and Tennessee I finally relented. Suddenly as the bike was laying on me I remembered what he had told me when he gave me the lessons, “I’m not a very good teacher.” I agreed with him.

Of course the dumbass, no I should say dumbasses, didn’t keep me from getting hurt. Once the bike got to a certain point the boys couldn’t keep gravity from it smacking me hard into the driveway. I have a developing bruise on my leg and shoulder, my hand has a couple of cuts from the concrete, and I don’t feel any better about tipping the damn bike over! As a matter of fact I think my fear is worse then it was before.

I did learn something from this all, don’t let dumbasses handle your motorcycle!

Unbridled Happiness: Goodbye to the Past

This morning I woke up around four. I’m still in my work routine. The past couple of days I’ve been able to fall back asleep, but today I couldn’t. So I got out of bed and got dressed to run. I haven’t been out running in awhile, my doctor ordered me not to because of my broke rib.

I pulled the ipod out of the dresser drawer and clipped it on. I laced my running shoes up and stepped out into the cold fresh air. I snuggled in my hoddie as I warmed up. My mind was quiet and at peace, but I still needed the run.

I got down to the oiled road and struck out into a jog. Slow at first, just enough to test my muscles, just enough to make sure I could breath. When I didn’t collapse onto the ground I considered it a good sign. I picked up the pace and moved out faster.

Through the cottonwoods down the road past the pond and circle, up the road to the two mile mark. I was there before I realized it. I had pushed the physical and mental pain out of my mind and let my feet move me. I sat down on the top of the hill and looked out onto the meadow. It was quiet. I could see the faint outlines of trees, houses, and animals. I closed my eyes and realized I was crying.

Tennessee’s words were there, under the surface, lingering. I realized that he was right, I am a different person. I thought about how we hadn’t talked in six months. I thought about why I had called him, what had made me dig his number up. I realized that I really did call him because our relationship is easy. It’s not even a relationship, it’s simply someone to fall asleep with at night. We have no ever lasting connection. He has no wish to settle down. We are polar opposites. But it’s easy, easy because there is no everlasting commitment.

I dug my phone out of my hoodie pocket and found his phone number. I didn’t stare at it, I didn’t attempt to memorize it, I simply deleted the contact. “You are right, I don’t need you.” I sighed and put the phone back in my pocket. I looked up at Heaven, “if only it was always that easy.”

I stood up and moved back into a jog. Unbridled Happiness, I’ve still got it, and today it became a little bit stronger.

Oh and how does the knee feel? It fucking hurts! Thanks for asking.

The New Life: Not This Time

I leaned my head onto his chest, “Girl you know I’m not Mr. Right.” He whispered as he pressed his fingers into my tense shoulders.

“I know Tennessee. I know.” I mumbled as I closed my eyes and took a breath of his cologne.

“Are you sure you need me?” He asked his deep Southern accent strung through every word.

“I don’t need you. I never have. It’s just easier with you.” I mumbled.

“Becks, I’m okay being a rebound. We’ve always been that for each other, a soft place to fall. But maybe this time it’s different.” He mumbled as he gently ran his fingers through my hair.

“What do you mean by that?” I asked as I looked up at him.

“It took you awhile to call. Normally you call right away.” He paused as he brushed my bangs out of my face, “Becks maybe you don’t really need this, maybe not this time. Maybe you are past needing a rebound. Maybe, just maybe, someone is trying to tell you something.”

I leaned back in his arms so I could rest my hands on his chest. I thought for a moment. “A lot of people are trying to tell me a lot of things. Please don't try telling me anything, that's not what I need.” I whispered trying to keep the hurt from my voice. “I can make it on my own and be quiet about it. I made it after my divorce. Remember?”

“I do remember. I also remember the calls when you needed someone to keep the other side of the bed warm.” He said sternly. “I remember the week you separated from your ex husband. I remember you falling asleep in my arms and finding every reason to deer hunt together. I remember laying in that bed with you in complete silence. I remember the look in your eyes. You needed someone then, but I don’t see it this time.” He said as he stared into my eyes. His blue eyes seemed to beam with life. They were gentler then I remembered, kinder.

We stood in silence for a little bit. I shivered a little as the breeze picked up. He felt it and pulled me in closer. I thought for a long time as he held me. “I don’t know why I called.”

“Because what you and I have is easy. We love each other for awhile, help each other through the tough spots. But in the end we expect the hurt; we know there isn’t an everlasting commitment.” He said as he kept me in his arms. "You aren't the woman you were last year, your stronger. You don't need someone else to lean on. You know how to make yourself happy and at peace."

I stood quietly for a moment, “I love him very much.”

“I know you do. Did he say it’s over for good?” He asked.

“No, he really seemed to leave the string attached.”

Tennessee sighed, “Cut the string Becks. Cut it. He’s not worth the salt.”

I laughed a little. “You going to be around if I really do need you.”

He smiled, “I’m just a phone call away. I’ll be in town for awhile; work is going to keep me here.”

“Maybe I’ll call you.” I said with a half smile.

“Okay. But I don’t think you need me.”

“I think you’re right. But don’t go telling anyone I said that.” I said stepping back from him.

“I’m going to tell Texas, He’ll never believe that came out of your mouth!”