The New Life: Echo

“Believe me the irony isn’t lost on me.” I said as I took a drink of my whiskey.

The fire pit glowed in front of us. Pecos Bill chuckled, “I’m just saying you broke your ex’s heart. It doesn’t surprise me Bowman did the same thing to you. After all we both believe in Karma.”

I smiled, “that we do.” I took another sip. It was straight whiskey, on the rocks. My day had been long and when Pecos had stopped by to chat I had invited him to stay for dinner.

Pecos has always been like my father. He helped me through some really hard times; times I doubt I would have made it through as clear if he hadn’t been there. He’d always picked me up when I was down and thrown me back into the saddle, sometimes literally. His ties to my family had only been strengthened after my divorce. He had once said, “don’t worry, I’ll always love you like my daughter.”

“I don’t blame Karma. I’ve done some shitty things in the past, I deserved everything I got.” I said as I stared into the flames.

“Well things are going to change right?” He asked.

I nodded, “I’m looking for good karma.” I whispered.

“That’s good to hear.”

We sat quietly for a while listening to the fire pit and the coyotes in the distance. I looked over to Pecos, “Thanks for everything.” I whispered.

He smiled and laid his hand on my arm, “you are very welcome girl. I hope this year brings you everything you want.”

I smiled, "this is a good start."

What Shooting Taught Me About Myself

First off I wanted to share my tournament results. I didn't break my personal best, but I did break 200 both days, I'm extremely happy. Friday night I shot a 202 and on Saturday I shot a 222. I quickly learned what is making me jump my scores, it's the team I shoot with. When I shoot with the guys who help me with the yardage, watch my shoots, help me correct improper form, and tell me what a great shot I just made; when in fact I felt great about the shot. Then I jump my score. Positive thinking equals positive shooting.

I've decided on trying a back tension release. The shooter, C, whom I've been watching and shooting with the last couple of tournaments recommended one of them. I've watched C shoot for the last couple of shoots and today I finally asked for his help, and guess what he's set me straight. He taught me to do what is right for me and not worry about proper form. If I can hit paper at twenty yards with an open hand and back tension, then that's what I need to do. He's right of course, and I already knew it. But it took me so so long to recognize it.
I learned about myself in these last two shoots. I've learned that positive thinking really influence me. I've learned to listen to my gut. But most of all C taught me that I can stand up for myself and shoot however I damn well please!
So I guess I'm not going to let anyone, except myself, change who I am. I'm still going to take my pro lesson, just because I want to hear what he has to say. I mean I'm still open to suggestions and infact I LOVE advice but I'm not going to let anyone FORCE me to change how I shoot. I do believe Sonny told me that once, "Don't let anyone change the way you shoot. You are a world class shooter, don't lose confidence in yourself." I've spent to long letting others dictate to me how to shoot. I've spent to long letting others dictate how I live my life. But through shooting recently I've developed a spine and I intend to keep it.
My confidence is high, I don't intend to let it be broken again. The real me is back!!!
Becki

The Wake

"Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back"

I thought that specific line from Florence and the Macines' song Dog Days are Over fit so perfectly for this post. I thought, while I was struggling through my divorce that the wake would be the worst part. But so far it hasn't been. Sure I've gotten into at least one mess in two weeks, but I've quickly remedied the situation.
But like Florence says the Dog Days are over. My life isn't miserable anymore. I don't lay in bed and pray that I don't have to get up. Most mornings I bounce out of bed and head to work, where I spend my time building friendships and relationships with my customers. I've made so many new friends and immersed myself into the Archery life.

The enjoyment of living has started to come back. Of course I'm not saying everyday is perfect, but everyday brings challenges for me to over come. I love the thrill of a challenge. I'm living my life one day at a time. I'm breathing every breath and thinking about every moment.

God has given me a chance to make my life my own. He's guided me to this very point in time and he'll continue to guide me further. The reasons for my divorce are my own, God lead me to this answer. The morning I watched the doe walk away from her buck I knew what He meant. When I asked for the answer He gave it to me. I've asked for a lot of guidance from him, and when I listen I get what I've asked for. When I don't listen is when I get myself into a mess.

There is something I want really badly. I've wanted it for awhile, but I've been extra patient. I'm thinking I'm going to have to continue to be extra patient with it. Which is fine because that is what God wants. He's teaching me a lesson.

My friends have been quizzing me about what I want in a potential boyfriend. It gives me pause. I have a list made out in my head, but I have to think about how flexible I am with it. Curious? Alright I'll show you the list.
1. An outdoorsman, Rifleman, bowman, or Horseman
2. Reliable
3. Generous and considerate
4. Excellent with kids. Wants a family of his own eventually
5. Patient
6. This one is a biggie and is non flexible, faithful!

There's the list. How flexible am I? I'm not sure, but number six is non flexible, I'll never go through what I've been through ever again.
In the meantime the wake hasn't been to bad. There haven't been any tidal waves, and I'm not anticipating any. I'm looking toward the future. But most of all I'm happy. After all the Dog Days are over.
Becki

The Road to a New Life, the conclusion: Inner Peace

Its been a long time coming. I've written and re written this post over and over in my head. I am constantly thinking about my inner peace and pure happiness. A lot has happened in my past, I've struggled very hard with bitterness and depression. But I'm relieved to say that I finally feel inner peace and pure happiness.
It all accumulated today when my divorce was finalized. Sitting there in the court room as the judge announced my maiden name will be restored and that the marriage has been dissolved I realized all the pain and suffering I'd been inflicted in the past does not matter anymore. True happiness rushed over me as it finally sunk in that this is and will be my second chance. I'm going to be fighting tooth and nail to continue to be happy. But I've learned how to make myself happy.

Shooting is what makes me happy. Loping my horses through the tall prairie grass makes me happy. Snuggling with my corgis makes me happy. Working makes me happy. But it's living life without any regret that makes me the happiest.

The last seven months have been the darkest in my entire life. But as I look back at all the things that made it bad I realize that every single thing made me a stronger person. Losing Sonny was probably the worst. It came at the most in opportune time. But as I think about it today I realize that I never lost her, she will always be with me in my heart. As I watch and help the little girls at the range I think about her and everything she taught me. I wonder if one day I might be to them what she is to me, a best friend.

My divorce has made me a stronger person. I now know that I don't have to be involved with someone to be happy. I don't have to depend on a man to be happy. I realize what went wrong. I know what happend, I know the red flags. I feel confident that I can step into a new relationship and be an adult about it.

Am I ready for a new relationship. I don't know. But I do know I'm happy. I do know that nothing will break my happiness. So I'm reminded of a quote from under the tuscan sun "When I was a little girl I used to look for hours for lady bugs. Eventually I'd give up and fall asleep in the grass. When I woke up the ladybugs were crawling all over me. Ladybugs, lots of ladybugs." So I guess I'm going to take a nap in the grass.

Becks