The New Life: Changes

The nightmares stopped that night. Instead I dreamt of shooting and riding, I dreamt of the Olympics and the gold medal. The next morning I sat at the dining room table as D read the paper. "Has she ever visited you before?" I asked.
He laid the paper down, a puzzled look swept across his face, "A couple of times. I figured she would be around yesterday." He said.
I cocked my head to the side, "Why?"
He smiled, "I felt you let go, let go of fear. I saw the hope come back to you. I knew she was here."
I smiled, "It was that noticeable."
He nodded, "What changed that? What brought the hope back?"
"I'm not sure. I guess it's just because I'm tired of being sad. Tired of pretending everything is okay, so I decided that it really is okay."
"Is that why you are shooting better?" He asked.
I shook my head, "No that's because of spite."
He laughed, "What?"
"I'm going to get competitive. I'm going to put my heart and soul into shooting that bow. Because I am a woman scorned and Hell hath no furry..."
"Like a woman scorned." He said with a smile.
"One day I'll be at the top." I said with a smile, "One day I'll have that gold medal. If it isn't from riding it'll be from shooting."
He smiled, "Here's the Beck I've been waiting for."
I nodded, "Yep. She's here to stay to."

The New Life: Her Song

I stood in the kitchen watching the quiet rain fall on the yard. The sun was setting in the trees. I sighed and leaned onto the kitchen counter staring out the picture window. Bella laid at my feet, my corgis snuggled next to her.
The house was silent. Bella's ears perked before I heard it.



"You feel like you're falling backwards
Like you're slippin' through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can't see it now"

 "Hey Girl what are you doing?" D asked as he came through the hallway.
I straightened up, a little startled and looked over to him, "Hey. I was just thinking about what to make for dinner."
He smiled, laid the keys down on the counter, "not trying to nest are you?" He said with a laugh.
"No D, just trying to be a good house guest." I said.
"House guests don't cook." He said. "I'll order a pizza."
I nodded, "kay."
He disappeared, leaving me in the kitchen.
"You heard it to huh." I whispered to Bella. My corgis still sleeping beside her. She cocked her head to the side as the singing began again.

"But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will"

"It's a familiar song. The voice, it's familiar too." I whispered to her. She stood up and came over to me. I rubbed her head and listened a little longer.

"You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You're just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
And you don't know it yet"

"Hey D." I yelled to him through the house.
He came trotting out of the office, "Whats wrong?"
"That singing do you hear it?" I asked.
He stood quiet for a second, "I think you are imagining things."
"It's very familiar. I've heard it before." I mummbled closing my eyes.
"Beck you okay." He asked laying his hand on my arm.
I opened my eyes, "Yeah. It must be nothing."
He half heartidly smiled, "Okay. So I'm going to order stuffed crust."
I nodded. He went back to the office. Bella whined a little and sat where he had been standing. "You hear it to, it's not just me."

"Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you're made of, you're made of"

"One day you will
Oh one day you will"

Bella lept to her feet and ran to the sliding glass door. My corgis heard her run and quickly chased after her. I turned my head to catch a glimpsie of her at the window. I caught my breath in my chest. "Hey." I whispered.
She smiled, her blue eyes beaming in life, "remember Baby Girl, it'll all be alright."
I nodded.
"Hey Beck, why don't you call your momma and have her come over." He said as he walked out of the office over to where I was. "What's wrong?"
She faded as he touched my arm. "You are so white, Beck are you okay?" He said as he reached up and touched my face.
I flinched, "uh yeah. I'm okay."
"Beck."
"She sang to me. The song she used to sing when I was hopeless." I whispered.
He cocked his head to the side, "Who?"
"Sonny." I whispered.
He caught his breath in his chest. "Oh Beck."

The New Life: Welcome HOME

The city lights say I'm here...

A Bowhunter's Legacy: A Year Ago

It was a year ago last Thursday when I first started to shoot with the guys down at the range. A lot has changed. I've gone through three bows and about two dozen arrows. I've made more friends then I can count. But somewhere in it all I changed. I became more like the woman I want to be.

Arie, the Pink Parker, is finally shooting well. I finally got help adjusting it so the sight works properly. I am now shooting groups the size of quarters. It's only taken a year and around six sights to get to this point, but I am finally doing it.  The first night I sighted in my sight I thought it was fluke. I'm known for shooting great groups and then suddenly throwing my arrows all over. But last night, the third time I've consistently shot with this sight, we played follow the leader. Basically a game of HORSE, an archer picks shots he knows he can make but doesn't believe the other players can. Anyway I didn't break one arrow, didn't miss one target, and all were worth a score. I was extremely happy, and when I went back to the paper target I was still shooting quarter sized groups.

I'll be in Omaha for a couple of weeks before the first archery tournament here at the range. I have set up a couple of pro lessons and enlisted the Big D to help me so I continute on with this growth. I'll have available time and a private range, thanks to the D. I am hoping I'll return with the confidence and a bow that shoots better then before.

There may be Hope yet!

You know it's you who calls me back here

Fall in The Clearing

You hear it every day
Once upon a time they say
Once upon a time in this place
I looked and saw on your face
A smile that spoke to me
In oh so many ways

Hoping and believing
That love built this garden
For the two of us to dream in



We’d get a little rain
Then the sun came out again
But a frost it’s hard to fight
Once it takes hold flowers die
There’s only so much you can do
To keep some things alive

Sad to say, it’s true
Without a lover who
Cares as much

_Love Built a Garden_
Elton John
Re-read the lyrics, it's not about a garden at all



This is where I have found comfort lately, in the clearing. Hidden in the tall grass and bare branches. I sit and wait, for what I'm not sure. The deer have migrated for the winter, to better ground with more forage and cover. I don't carry my bow when I go, I usually just find my way there at odd times of the day, times when my mind is clear.
I'm not sure what draws me. Maybe it's the memory of hunting here. Maybe it's the empty deer trails with the fallen leaves. Maybe it's the frozen lake. It's all gone like the love, gone. Soon there will be a heavy snow and the tall dry grass will be gone too. Soon the wind will blow and the dried leaves will blow away.
But what keeps drawing me here...

The New Life: Colder Weather

The nightmare is one that bothers me every night. It’s been there lingering for the last couple of weeks. Usually it starts with the picture of me and him on his bike. You can see our two smiles, then the picture goes from still to life, the bike rumbles to life, I wave goodbye to my Mom and away we go. It plays out almost exactly the same way it did the day the picture was taken the movement the reactions, the happenings. Except something changes and we end up on the highway to the hills, somewhere we didn’t originally go that day. As the dream progresses everything is great and then suddenly the bike tilts and we begin to slide across the pavement. He reaches out to catch me, his eyes meet mine, the love is still there, he wants to catch me, but I keep sliding.

Sometimes the dream stops here, other times it moves to us standing in the parking lot talking. The conversation lingers and stays the same, the look in his eyes is the same, and the heartache is still there. I just turn and walk away, and as I reach my car my eyes meet his. There is where it always ends.

Of course I know what the dream signifies, losing love. It’s just odd that it begins with that day, a day when I couldn’t have been more in love with him. My nightmares of my high school sweetheart are completely different; they aren’t vivid like this dream is. They don’t haunt me like this dream does. There is something different about this dream, something that I haven’t exactly figured out . . . something. . .

From the Saddle: Wanted- Joint Doctors

Today I found myself facing the unbearable fact that I may not get a show season in 2012. Boo Boo has pulled up lame. I’m hoping he’s just pulled a muscle since he wasnt lame Wednesday and with a little bute he will straighten right out. If not I’ll be taking him to Sturgis to the best leg doctor around. You may ask why not a local vet, well they are great in emergency situations, but jumper legs are a little more complicated. I need to take Sweet Cheeks up there to have his leg ultra sounded before show season also. The joint he injured a few years ago gives him no problems, but I am curious as to how much scar tissue is in it, and if he really will be able to keep up with the rigors of the show circuit again, after all we both are older.

Show season is looming, so is my knee surgery. But I’ve been connected with a surgeon in Chicago that thinks a complete knee replacement isn’t necessary. I fly up the week before Christmas to have my consultation with him. I hope he has a real solution that doesn’t involve ripping my knee out…

If I do end up with a complete replacement I might as well forget showing, even riding, this year. It’s going to put a hold on competing in the ring, competing with my bow, and even riding my motorcycle. I’m dreading it, fearful of the change, fearful it won’t really help my situation. But let’s hope Mr. Chicago has some better answers and that the boys don't have to go see their own joint doctor....

Dear Mr. Right

Dear Mr. Right,

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve written and rewritten this letter. It plays through my head during the quiet moments of the day. I find myself writing it while I’m running, trying to find the words to fit how I feel. It lingers when I’m riding, making it hard to focus on the jumps in front of me.

When I sat on the airplane watching Nebraska pass beneath me I couldn’t stop thinking about how you are down there somewhere waiting for our moment in time. But then I realized now isn’t a good time to fall in love again, now shouldn’t be that moment in time. You see I’m still in love with him, some say that is because you and him are one in the same. But I don’t think so, why would Fate be so cruel?

I wonder who you really are. Are you a local rancher, a motorcycle enthusiast, a professional archer, a pilot, maybe you are someone I don’t know yet. That’s the likely story, someone who has yet to come into my life. I would like to think that Fate has you right around the corner and once I give up on this hopeless past of mine you will come into my life and be there and never leave.

It’s all hopeless wonder and worry. Fate will be Fate and I just have to realize that. But Mr. Right I’m ready for our Happily Ever After. Do you think Happily Ever After exists? Will it ever be our moment in time?

With Love,

Becki

The New Life: Weekend at Ds

I lay in bed staring up at the ceiling. Bella squirmed as her nose stuck out from under the comforter. She’d hastily gotten into bed as soon as I pulled the comforter back and refused to move once I had gotten in. “She usually sleeps in that bed alone.” D had told me earlier when I had put my stuff in the room.

“I’m sure we will get along just fine.” I had said as I patted her on the head.

I slid over in the king sized bed to give her more room. She groaned and stretched out, “you are as bad as a man.” I mumbled as I shoved the pillow under my head. She snorted and rolled around under the comforter so her paws were pressing against my back. “Come on now we have to share the bed.” I mumbled. She pushed a little harder, “D thinks you've got personality." I said exaggerating the last word, "I think you are a spoiled brat.”

Eventually we had stopped arguing and both had fallen asleep. I awoke from a dream around one and she had taken to her side of the bed. I brushed my hair out of my face and tried to catch my breath. Nightmares have been bothering me for the last couple of weeks. I tried to relax in bed but couldn’t do it, so I got up and walked downstairs to the kitchen.

D had built this house from the ground up, he’d only been living in it for a week. It was oddly close to my dream house, I had thought that when I had arrived at the doorstep, “familiar.” When I had first learned D was building a new home I was amazed. He’d lived in the house he was born in; he’d lived in it for close to forty years. “Why are you moving?” I had asked.

“Because I need more space and I think it’s time to move on.” He had replied.

I stood in the kitchen as I replayed that through my mind. “Better late then never.” I mumbled as I found a glass. The fridge was stuffed full of food. D had found his inner chef somewhere after his mother had passed. He’d mastered everything but brownies, he still begged me to bake those, and after tasting his version I knew why. I grabbed the Coke out of the fridge and poured an almost full glass. I settled it back in the fridge and walked down to the game room.

The lights flickered on as I found the light switch. “If you’d keep the whiskey in the kitchen.” I mumbled, building my argument for if he walked in. I walked past the pool table over to the bar. I set my glass down on the bar and walked around it. I touched each bottle as I looked for the Jameson. When I reached it I kissed the bottle then poured a double, maybe it was a triple. I smiled put the bottle back and took the remote off of the bar top.

I sunk into the leather couch and turned on the flat screen. Eventually Bella came to find me, “what’s wrong you had the bed to yourself.” I mumbled as she jumped up beside me. “You could have at least brought a blanket.” I mumbled. She groaned and laid down next to me, her silver head hanging off of the couch, “don’t blame it on me.” I mumbled then took a sip of my mainly whiskey and Coke. I closed my eyes and listened to the quiet chatter on the TV. When I had finished my whiskey I took the glass back to the kitchen and found my way to the garage.

I walked past the newly hung Harley memorabilia. Bella’s tags clinked behind me, “you could be quieter.” I whispered. She snorted but kept following me. We made it to the garage where I flicked the florescent lights on. The pickup was thawing out leaving puddles on the floor. My eyes shifted from it over to the row of bikes. D had put the Panhead back together and then had bought another addition, a 1957 Sportster. It sat uncovered between my Sportster and the Road King. The five bikes sat perfectly aligned along the edge of the garage, The Road King, The Vintage Sportster, My Sportster, The Panhead, and finally The Fat Boy. I smiled at the line up. Along the wall behind them hung pictures of vintage Harleys, pictures I had found for him. “Eventually I’ll get a shop built just for the bikes.” He had mumbled as we stood in the garage earlier in the day admiring the pictures we'd just hung.

Bella sat on the top step and stared at me. I sighed and walked over to my bike, she was uncovered, I’d been messing with her earlier in the day, and despite D’s insistence I had left the cover off. A habit he said he’d break me of. I laughed as I thought about it all.

In all the time we had known each other I hadn’t once asked to ride his motorcycle. He’d always had one and he had always wanted me to ride; I guess it wasn’t what Fate wanted. Fate wanted my first ride to be with someone else, someone special. I ran my hand across the paint and smiled.

“I know what’s going to happen. I’m going to swing my leg over and shit will hit the fan.” I whispered. She beckoned to me, drew me closer, begging me to just swing over. I walked around her admiring her grace. She was prettier then the older Sportster, more graceful. Of course motorcycles aren’t supposed to be graceful; they are supposed to be masculine, but not her. I slid my hand across the seat and finally swung over. I took her off of the stand and sat down, balancing her between my legs.

It was rapid, the rush of emotions. I had bottled them up, fought them every step of the way, but I couldn’t stop them now. I thought about how I wanted so badly to ride with Bowman. How I could have spent every single second of everyday on the back of his bike. I remembered the first time I had felt the rush of the bike, how I was instantly hooked. Then I felt it, his hand on my knee, and I lost it. I lost every ounce of strength I had built up. It rushed over me and I knew why the nightmares were haunting me.

“Damn it.” I sobbed through the pain. “I thought I was over him.”

Bella whined as she stared at me. D stepped out from around the door and watched me. “You okay?” he asked.

I nodded.

He stepped out into the garage, “I was hoping this wouldn’t happen.”

I shrugged, “I knew it was going to.”

He sighed, “Is there anyway to make it better?”

I sat quietly for awhile. “Probably not.”

“Oh.” He whispered.

My eyes met his. “I thought I was over him, over the damn pain. But here I am again crying.”

He nodded, “You said you wouldn’t cry anymore.”

“I know.” I moaned, and then settled the bike back onto the stand. I swung around and took a step back.

“You know it’s okay to not be over him yet. It’s okay to remember riding with him, shooting with him, loving him. It’s okay for all of that to still be there.” D said in a low voice, “after all you thought he was the other half of your soul.”

I nodded but didn’t make eye contact. "I still love him."

“You can still love him, but you can’t hold out hoping he will be back. Does a part of you still think he is your soul mate?”

I stood silently.

“Beck, now is the time to let Fate have the reins.” He said quietly, “Let the Lord guide you. Let Sonny help you. Let someone else have the reins. I know you ride to win, but maybe this with him is a ride you can't win."

A Bowhunter's Legacy: Broken Promise

D sat across from the table. He looked over his beer glass with a straight face. “What did you do?”

I squirmed in my chair, “I messed my bow up.”

He sighed, “Beck I told you if you needed something done you needed to ask Bowman or me.”

“Well Bowman wasn’t exactly an option. I asked, I know, and you, you were a little absent. What did you want!” I said getting frustrated.

“We had a deal. You broke your promise. You are going to have to figure out how to fix it yourself.” He said leaning back in his chair.

I sighed, “Fine.”

We sat in silence for awhile. “I mean it Beck. Fix it or I won’t buy you that new bow.” He said sternly staring me down.

“I got it D. Now can we change the subject?” I took a drink of my wine and stared at him.

“What do you want to talk about?” He asked.

“Well for starters why you’re being so damn pissy?” I said setting my glass on the table.

He sighed, “I’m just frustrated.”

“With what?” I asked.

“You.”

I sighed and put my head in my hands.

Don't carry your mistakes around with you. Their weight will crush you. Instead lay them on the ground and use them as stepping stones to something better.

Know what I realized today, it's been over a month since the breakup.... I didnt even see that month come or go...

The New Life: ?

Today's Horoscope:
"A romantic situation that you find yourself in will soften your heart, which may have become hardened by the recent ending of a relationship that meant a lot to you. The current astral energies imply that the person you meet could take your mind off the hurt and pain that you have been feeling, and help you to feel as though you could dare to love again."

I don't usually read much into these, but this one has me wondering...

Never let the seeds of doubt take root, because once they do they become weeds that are impossible to remove.

It's moments like these when silence means everything.

A Bowhunter's Legacy: Upgrading Bows

I’ve been drooling over the Matthews Jewel for a little while now. I’ve wanted a Matthews for over a year now, I shot one the first time last year while bow hunting with Texas. It’s probably the smoothest bow I’ve ever shot. I had the chance to shoot a Matthews Jewel up at Black Hills Archery a few weeks ago. It’s amazing. Orgasmic.

It’s not a cheap bow, it’s rather expensive. Course I’m a girl with expensive tastes, see the Harley Sportster.

I could pull the specs off of the website, but they are right there for you to read, if you so please. Let me tell you why I like this bow so much. The let off is 20 % more then the bow I currently shoot. If it’s not really it sure feels like it. I feel like while yes I’m pulling 50 pounds I am only holding 10. I like the look and feel of the Matthews. It’s a light bow, even fully outfitted. It’s quiet, so quiet I was left standing there wondering if I really had just shot the bow.

The grip is amazing. My fingers found their proper place without any help. If held correctly the grip reduces the risk of torquing and grabbing. I struggle with grabbing, hell I struggle with torquing. But I shot the Matthews Jewel without any of those problems. I was grouping within a half-inch diameter.

We all know that pink is my favorite color. But I’m thinking for 2012 I need a new color, maybe electric teal, similar to my Harley. Guess what, the Matthews comes in electric teal. Lucky Ducky, yep that’s what I am.

So now it’s time to pull out the doe eyes and work on D. After all he is the one who thinks I need to become a competitive archer, he’s the one who said he’d buy me what ever bow I so pleased... One problem, he isn’t too much of a Matthews man, hum I’ll have to work on that…

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean that they don't love you with all they have.

A Bowhunter's Legacy: New Sight

So I bought a new sight. You can stop laughing now. Yes I know it's the fourth of this year, I am so aware. But let me remind you, the spot hogg fell off of my bow and this last truglo is a pain to adjust. So whala met my new sight Truglo Micro-Brite. It's a microadjut sight. I'm kinda excited, not really sure why...
Anyway I'm installing it on my bow tonight, all by my damn self! I'm so proud...

I'll let you know how it goes....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was pretty big talk up there.

Well that was a fail. It would have helped if I hadn’t left my instructions at home. But I muddled my way through it. Now if it falls off the front of my bow then I won’t have anyone but myself to blame for it!!!

Fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. It's falling madly in love, even though you have been hurt before. Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them. It's getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again. Letting yourself cry on the bathroom floor is fearless. Moving on and being alright is fearless too...And no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it.

The New Life: Where am I?

I sat in the clearing today trying to define what stage of mourning I am in. Am I angry? Am I depressed? So I made the list out:

Shock: Nope not here, that passed the first day

Denial: Nope, did that almost right away

Bargaining: Um… I’ve given up on that

Guilt: Past that point after the attempted one rein stop

Anger: Maybe.

Depression: Maybe.

Resignation: I know he won’t be back. I see and understand the reality.

Acceptance and Hope: I’m working to get there. I don’t have the hope yet and I’m not ready to understand why he ran.

It’s the two in the middle that stick to me, like cling wrap. Anger and depression. I know I’m depressed, but I’m not sure it’s over the breakup. I’m sure that is a small part of it, but I think it’s the fact I left my job because I felt I was failing. I slammed the breaks on and cut the string. I know it wasn’t the wrong decision, I was unhappy in that job, it was changing who I was and I didn’t want that. But now I have no definition, no reason to get out of bed. I’m going to have to create who I want to be, again.

I’m not sure what the remedy is for my depression. It’s not pills, it never has been. A part of the curing process is a new beginning. I’m taking steps to that starting line. I just have to get the acceptance and hope. I’ve already reached the breaking point; I’ve just got to step over the line.

D called me this evening, after I was done with my reflection. We talked about it, and then we talked about the future. He reminded me that 3D season is almost upon us. The International Horse show is in April. He’s taking me to compete in Vegas. Then he sprung it on me. “I’ll be there the whole way. We will get you through your knee surgery and every thing will be golden.”

I sat silently on the phone, my head turning in circles. “I didn’t ask you to.” I mumbled.

“Nope. I just want to be there.”

I was too stunned to think. But later I realized that when it’s all said and done I do have that love I’m looking for. I have someone to pick me up out of the dust. I have the emotional support I so desperately wanted. I thought about what Sonny told me and then it blindsided me, like a train with a silent whistle…

Hope

Falling in love is the best thing you can do in life. So fall in love with as many things as you can.

Dear You

Dear You,

This is probably going to become a pretty painful post. It’ll not only be painful for me to write, it may be painful for you to read. If you can’t read it then that’s that, but I hope you’ll stick it through. I stuck it through writing it, in hopes that it would finish my healing process. I hope that maybe it will help you heal also.

There was something different about you. Something that struck me the moment you walked through the door the first time. It was almost a sense of Peace and Hope. Of course I’ve told you that before, it’s nothing I need to repeat. I finally felt that Fate had stopped dragging its feet the first time our eyes met.

You lingered in my mind. I’d see you at the darkest moments of the days that followed that initial encounter. On days when I felt I couldn’t continue you’d find your way, unknowingly to me, and bring back that Peace and Hope. The time there was the wreck in front of the store, I was having a horrible day, it was a horrible reason for you to be there, but there you were standing at the register. I didn’t smile on the outside, but I did on the inside wishing you’d linger a little longer. I passed you on your motorcycle the day I wanted to run away. You stopped into the store the night I realized just how miserable I really was. Then there was the night at the bar, you don’t know why I was already drunk at eight in the evening, but you were there and you made it better. Remember the challenge? I still think you should have taken me up, maybe I would have shot better in the dark and drunk.

While I struggled with myself and my happiness you were there. You said some pretty great things; you appeared to be the man I’d been wishing for. So I took the chance, even though something you said bothered me, "That may be your only chance at Happiness. I don't want to be the man who takes that away from you." It bothered me, it was almost a forewarning.

Through out our short relationship you were my rock in the storm. My world crashed and burned rather violently in the short time we were together. But you always brought me Peace and Hope. The first time I kissed you I knew everything was going to be okay. If I could have seen I’d be mending my heart in a few short months, well I would have loved you anyway.

The other afternoon I stood at the dog park watching my dogs play when I heard the familiar sound of your motorcycle. You were probably a couple of streets away, but it brought back the first time I ever rode a bike, that bike. That’s the memory that hurts the most. Because I will always remember that, every time I swing over my bike and start it, I’ll think of you. Everytime I see a Road King I'll be brought back to the brick streets of this town. To your hand on my knee.

Yesterday I laid in bed, restless because of my family. Suddenly I pictured the first night we spent together. How I didn’t want to sleep, how we smiled at each other all night. You kept winking and I noticed just how wonderful that smile of yours really is. I remember two specific things said that night. I asked if you’d always be this cuddly, you said “always”. I don’t remember what I said but I remember you saying, “I’ll always be there with you, you’ll never be lonely.”

I had a couple of simple wishes. I wished you were right there with me the first time I shot a deer. I wanted you to be in that picture smiling proudly, maybe kissing me on the cheek. I wished you could have gone to Alaska with me, again smiling proudly in the pictures, maybe with your own trophy. I wanted you to be waiting in the recovery room after my knee surgery. I wished you could have taught me how to ride my motorcycle, gone to Sturgis like I had hoped. But the only thing I ever really, honestly wanted, even more then a diamond ring, was for you to never stop loving me...

In the end I can’t honestly change anything. I can only wish and I'm pretty tired of wishing. You know what they say wish in one hand and well you know the rest. Every morning when I get up to run the stars are still out. The Archer is there waiting for me, I always say, “bring him back and it’ll change.” But I know he can’t. I honestly know that you probably never want to come back. I've let go of the Hope.

I’m sorry. I’m mostly sorry that you felt like I was lying to you. I’m very sorry it turned out the way it did. But I suppose neither one of us could have stopped it from happening. Like I said I would have loved you anyway. As a matter of fact I still love you, I always will. For the man you have been, the man you will be. I wouldn’t change anything.

I hope that you become the man you want to be, not the man other people think you should be. I hope that you grow in Grace and Love. But mostly I hope that somewhere along the way you find inner Peace.

Thanks for everything, best of luck.
One very last wish, I wish I was still your dream girl.
Love ya babe. Forever and Always.
Becki Ann

Let the healing finsih now.

We're just wasting time
Trying to prove who's right

The New Life: Happy Thanksgiving

See that smile right there? Isn't it beautiful?
I think so to. I think that's probably one of the most beautiful smiles I've ever had on my face. I found it somewhere on Thanksgiving. Somewhere in my heart. Underneath the scar of the breakup. Underneath the fact that I thought I lost Hope. Underneath the dead flowers and the shattered lights. I found it.

As I sat in the saddle that afternoon I realized that I'm still breathing. But more importantly I realized how self involved I had become. I thought about how awful I've been to my friends. I've been so wrapped up in my own self pitty I've hardly noticed what's been going on around me.
Two of my closests friends are going through a living hell; worse then the hell I thought I was in. They've lost their Hope.
A former trainer of mine is sick. To what extent I'm not sure, but I'm worried.
Then there is the girl I call my closest friend, I've completely shut her out.

It's all wrong, I've never been this way and it's not the way I want to be. Maybe the breakup was a good thing. I get the chance now to correct the errors I have made. I get the opportunity to get back to the real Beck. Along with the Unbridled Happiness I want her back more then anything in this world. With that smile up above I see she's close, she's still here. I know that I can still bring her back to life and get rid of this bitch I've become.

There will be no more take take take. Only give give give.... I promise

Unbridled Happiness: Goodbye to the Past

This morning I woke up around four. I’m still in my work routine. The past couple of days I’ve been able to fall back asleep, but today I couldn’t. So I got out of bed and got dressed to run. I haven’t been out running in awhile, my doctor ordered me not to because of my broke rib.

I pulled the ipod out of the dresser drawer and clipped it on. I laced my running shoes up and stepped out into the cold fresh air. I snuggled in my hoddie as I warmed up. My mind was quiet and at peace, but I still needed the run.

I got down to the oiled road and struck out into a jog. Slow at first, just enough to test my muscles, just enough to make sure I could breath. When I didn’t collapse onto the ground I considered it a good sign. I picked up the pace and moved out faster.

Through the cottonwoods down the road past the pond and circle, up the road to the two mile mark. I was there before I realized it. I had pushed the physical and mental pain out of my mind and let my feet move me. I sat down on the top of the hill and looked out onto the meadow. It was quiet. I could see the faint outlines of trees, houses, and animals. I closed my eyes and realized I was crying.

Tennessee’s words were there, under the surface, lingering. I realized that he was right, I am a different person. I thought about how we hadn’t talked in six months. I thought about why I had called him, what had made me dig his number up. I realized that I really did call him because our relationship is easy. It’s not even a relationship, it’s simply someone to fall asleep with at night. We have no ever lasting connection. He has no wish to settle down. We are polar opposites. But it’s easy, easy because there is no everlasting commitment.

I dug my phone out of my hoodie pocket and found his phone number. I didn’t stare at it, I didn’t attempt to memorize it, I simply deleted the contact. “You are right, I don’t need you.” I sighed and put the phone back in my pocket. I looked up at Heaven, “if only it was always that easy.”

I stood up and moved back into a jog. Unbridled Happiness, I’ve still got it, and today it became a little bit stronger.

Oh and how does the knee feel? It fucking hurts! Thanks for asking.

The New Life: Not This Time

I leaned my head onto his chest, “Girl you know I’m not Mr. Right.” He whispered as he pressed his fingers into my tense shoulders.

“I know Tennessee. I know.” I mumbled as I closed my eyes and took a breath of his cologne.

“Are you sure you need me?” He asked his deep Southern accent strung through every word.

“I don’t need you. I never have. It’s just easier with you.” I mumbled.

“Becks, I’m okay being a rebound. We’ve always been that for each other, a soft place to fall. But maybe this time it’s different.” He mumbled as he gently ran his fingers through my hair.

“What do you mean by that?” I asked as I looked up at him.

“It took you awhile to call. Normally you call right away.” He paused as he brushed my bangs out of my face, “Becks maybe you don’t really need this, maybe not this time. Maybe you are past needing a rebound. Maybe, just maybe, someone is trying to tell you something.”

I leaned back in his arms so I could rest my hands on his chest. I thought for a moment. “A lot of people are trying to tell me a lot of things. Please don't try telling me anything, that's not what I need.” I whispered trying to keep the hurt from my voice. “I can make it on my own and be quiet about it. I made it after my divorce. Remember?”

“I do remember. I also remember the calls when you needed someone to keep the other side of the bed warm.” He said sternly. “I remember the week you separated from your ex husband. I remember you falling asleep in my arms and finding every reason to deer hunt together. I remember laying in that bed with you in complete silence. I remember the look in your eyes. You needed someone then, but I don’t see it this time.” He said as he stared into my eyes. His blue eyes seemed to beam with life. They were gentler then I remembered, kinder.

We stood in silence for a little bit. I shivered a little as the breeze picked up. He felt it and pulled me in closer. I thought for a long time as he held me. “I don’t know why I called.”

“Because what you and I have is easy. We love each other for awhile, help each other through the tough spots. But in the end we expect the hurt; we know there isn’t an everlasting commitment.” He said as he kept me in his arms. "You aren't the woman you were last year, your stronger. You don't need someone else to lean on. You know how to make yourself happy and at peace."

I stood quietly for a moment, “I love him very much.”

“I know you do. Did he say it’s over for good?” He asked.

“No, he really seemed to leave the string attached.”

Tennessee sighed, “Cut the string Becks. Cut it. He’s not worth the salt.”

I laughed a little. “You going to be around if I really do need you.”

He smiled, “I’m just a phone call away. I’ll be in town for awhile; work is going to keep me here.”

“Maybe I’ll call you.” I said with a half smile.

“Okay. But I don’t think you need me.”

“I think you’re right. But don’t go telling anyone I said that.” I said stepping back from him.

“I’m going to tell Texas, He’ll never believe that came out of your mouth!”

The New Life: To The Future

 I pushed the gray harder into a faster canter. I leaned onto his neck and gave him his head. We flew across the ground, through the gate and out into the open meadow. I slowed him and sat back in the saddle.

My hands were cold, my face burned from the cold wind, my red hair whipped around me. It was a rare moment in time, a moment when I wasn't thinking, just living. I looked up at the sky as I stopped the gray. There were no clouds in the sky, only blue abyss. I sighed and leaned over the saddle onto the grays neck.

He touched my knee with his nose. I ran my hands through his mane, “I’ve got to let it all go.” I whispered. He snorted then put his nose to the ground. I sat up and watched the sandhills around me. They were calm and peaceful, there were no deer hunters left, no one to bother me.

I thought about the conversation with D about the one rein stop. The promise I had made to Beans. I closed my eyes and pictured Bowman and I sitting in the clearing. “Okay,” I whispered, “if that’s what you want.” I opened my eyes as a flock of geese flew over head. I watched and listened for a moment.

I slid out of the saddle and sunk down into the grass next to the gray. He snorted but kept grazing. “So I guess it’s time to heal.” I stated to no one in particular. I wrapped the reins around the horn, knowing the gray wouldn’t stray far. He meandered in the fall grass as I sunk down into it. The tears didn’t come like I expected, letting go wasn’t as painful as I imagined.

The sandhills have always been a place of healing for me. It was the place I ran to when I needed healing. The only place in the world that ever mattered to me. I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around my knees. The left one screamed with pain, I knew getting back into the saddle was going to be killer.

“Sonny, I don’t know what happened.”

It took awhile but eventually I heard her voice. “Baby Girl what happened doesn’t matter. What matters is that you realize your going to be just fine.”

“I wish we could work it out some how.”

"Honey these things happen. If he doesn’t want to work it out that’s up to him. You’ve got to accept it.”

“I know.”

“Guess what, even if he doesn’t come back your going to make it through. This storm isn’t going to last forever.”

“He came to archery the other night. The look in his eyes, I can’t explain it.”

“No one said he doesn’t still love you and miss you. No one said he doesn’t feel bad about this. I know he’s hurting over this just as bad as you are. But running was the answer he came up with. Was it wrong? Probably, but he made the decision.”

“I know. But why won’t he try again. I’d give him my everything; I’d go to the end of the Earth for him.”

“Becks, you’ve got to see this through his eyes. It’s all he knows.”

“I guess me running to Omaha isn’t any different.”

“Probably not. Why are you going?”

“I’m going because I need a fresh start. Because I can’t stand to see him with someone else.”

…Quiet…

“Sonny?”

“I was just listening.”

“I’m hoping Omaha will change something in me.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. Anything.”

“Running was the answer you came up with huh.”

“Yeah.”

“Your soul says something else. Your soul says you’re leaving because you’re scared.” … Quiet …

“Scared that you’ll never heal.”

“Yep.”

“Becks, you can be broken into a million pieces and I promise you you’ll heal. You aren’t in a million pieces, just a couple. If given the chance you’ll heal, it’ll be quick, and we’ll make it less painful, you’ve just got to have faith and believe.”

… Quiet …

“When you make it to the Olympics, or where ever you end up, there will be someone there right next to you. He’ll love you with everything he has, he’ll go to the end of the Earth for you, but mostly he’ll be the one you’re meant to spend the rest of your life with. He’ll be the other half of your soul.”

“Who is it then?”

“I don’t know that. I just know you won’t be alone.”

“Honest.”

“Always.”

“Kay.”

I opened my eyes. The gray was standing in the afternoon sun. A gentle breeze blew through his mane. He was handsome and elegant. “Well if he doesn’t get here in time I guess I’ve always got you.”

He looked up to me a nickered. “Okay handsome we are going to the Olympics.”

He raised his head in the fall air and whinnied. His ears flickered back and forth. He listened for a reply, then walked over to me when I didn’t answer him. “Oh I thought you were talking to the herd.” I mumbled.

He rubbed his forehead on me.

“She promises someone is there for me.”

His brown eyes seemed to absorb me, asking if I was okay.

“We’re going to be just fine.” I whispered then stood up. “Let’s start the future.”

He flipped his head almost as if to say we saw eye to eye.

I put my left foot in the stirrup and ground my teeth hard. I swung up, “Okay maybe after the knee surgery.”

He nickered.

“What are we waiting for?”

“Hey Becks.”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t give up on Love.”

“Okay.”

I moved the gray into a trot and worked my way back home.

Push through the pain to forgiveness

Unbridled Happiness: The Beginning

It stung a little bit when I had to wait for him to pass so I could turn into work’s parking lot. It was my punishment for snoozing the alarm clock. I sighed closed my eyes hoping he wasn’t looking at me and counted to ten. The headlights passed by and I opened my eyes. He was in the rear view mirror, right where he should be. I sighed, “Handsome, my dear you torture me so.”  I parked my car in the parking lot and thought for a moment, “wait, it’s okay.” I shut the car off and walked into work. “No pain, wait what’s this.” I thought to myself. “Over him.” I realized. It rushed to me hard. It was the final ending to my hanging on. So this afternoon when I realized he had unfriended me on Facebook I was okay with that decision. “Guess we can’t be friends.” I thought to myself.

I sat down in the backroom and starred at my phone. There was a lingering text from Bowman, one that I hadn’t dealt with because my heart was too broken. “Okay.” I mumbled as I opened the text. “You’re my dream girl baby.”

I sighed as I stared at it. “I may be over him, but I’m NOT over you.” I mumbled. I closed the text and stared at the clock on the wall. The tears were welling.

I dialed D, feeling weak.

“Hey sweetheart. What’s up?” His voice was comforting.

“Well I’m over Handsome but not Bowman.” I mumbled

“Oh that’s progress.” He said. “Remember what I told you about running back to Bowman.”

“We need not worry about that, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want me back.” I mumbled.

This evening I sat staring out at the already darkened sky. I sighed then took a drink of my whiskey. In all honesty I should have been getting ready for my party, but instead I was hanging on to Bowman. I watched as a shooting star streaked across the sky. “One more wish.” That’s what I did, made one last wish. It wasn’t the same one I made on my birthday. It wasn’t a wish I had ever made before. It was a new wish, the wish that I honestly want.

My phone rang but I ignored it. I sat listening and watching. Then as quickly as I had wished it, it washed over me. Unbridled Happiness. I sighed, took another drink and thought about the future, the happiness that will be there. The continuation of the New Life. The new path I’ve chose and what I’ve decided to leave behind.

I’m leaving behind the worrying about other people’s opinions of me. I’m leaving behind my ex husband, Handsome, and maybe Bowman. I’m leaving behind every unhappy moment I’ve ever had. I’m leaving the pain, heartache, questions, and a small part of me wants to leave behind the hoping.

What I’m running to. An education, a chance to follow my dreams, and maybe somewhere along the line I will find Mr. Right. I made a statement last year, “If I meet Mr. Right he’s just going to have to wait.” But I don’t really want him to wait; I want him to ride along with me. I want him there to help me untangle the knots. I want him cheering for me as I make it into the Pro Circuit. But if Mr. Right isn’t ready to be with me, if Fate isn’t ready for him to step into my life, then that’s okay to. I’ll make it on my own, I’ve been a fighter from day one, and I’ll fight like Hell now. Cause I gained Unbridled Happiness tonight, and I plan on keeping it.

But “I’m still not over you.”

There is yet time for you to take a different path.

Birthday Gift to Myself

It took a little note from one of my girls for me to remember it was my birthday today. I never forget my own birthday. But for some reason this year I did. It’s odd to think that on this day last year I decided I wasn’t happy. It’s been a year, and theoretically my heart should be healed enough to give to someone, except I kind of ruined that a couple weeks ago.

I decided that rather then a physical present this year I’d give myself something else, happiness. I’m making the real changes, not just talking about it, because I deserve to be happy. Today I won’t be heartbroken, even though I want to be. Today I won’t cry myself to sleep, because I choose to be happy. But there is one thing that I can’t change, the missing, that’s just something I’m going to have to learn to be happy through, no matter how much it hurts.

I made a wish today on a shooting star. Made me feel like a kid, maybe since it’s my birthday the Archer will decide to let me have it. But then again maybe he doesn’t have control over those kinds of things.

From The Saddle: The Haunting

The dream is more of a nightmare; it’s one that comes often and wakes me up from a dead sleep. It’s not really a dream; it’s a vivid memory that will always be with me. I can remember and feel everything that happened, even in my sleep.

It usually starts in the barn aisle.

“Just one more hole.” I grunted as I tightened the girth. The blood bay sucked his breath in hard. “Come on Gospel, stop it.”

Kell came around the corner with her almost identical horse. She smiled at me, “He being a pain?” She asked.

“He’s being an asshole.” I mumbled then reached up to adjust his bridle, “Just being you huh.” He flipped his nose and slobbered.

Kell laughed, “Good luck Becks.”

I smiled at her, “Good luck to you.”

She turned her horse around and walked down the aisle. I watched her go.

It was her first semi pro show. It was the first time she’d ever shown Kooper, we didn’t know that in six months time she’d be standing with him in the paddock as he took his last breath.

“Okay jerk. Let’s go.” I said as I swung up into the saddle. Mom had made her way to the grandstands waiting, video camera in hand, for my class to come up. I adjusted my stirrups and rode Gospel over to the warm up ring.

He was tense, anxious, his usual self. On a normal day he’d work himself out of it, it just took a couple of practice jumps for him to get his head on straight. The ring steward opened the gate and I trotted him into the heavy sand. “Let’s work.” I whispered.

He flipped his head but complied when asked for a canter. He fought the bit, it wasn’t unusual. I relaxed into the saddle as I worked him on the outside of the arena. Kell was jumping Kooper and I didn’t want to interfere. Kooper was nervous horse, he was a worrier; he didn’t need me and Gospel to interfere.

She noticed I was fighting Gospel and hollered across the arena, “Go ahead Becks!”

I waved to her and pushed him into the line up of jumps. “If only if only the wood pecker sighs,” I quietly sung to him. His ears flickered but his neck muscles relaxed. I rode him hard into the first jump, when I knew he wasn’t going to deny I relaxed. I was in my stirrups and out of his mouth, but I could feel through the leather reins he was playing with the bit. “The bark on the trees was as soft as the skies.” We were over the first jump. I relaxed into the saddle and pointed him to the next jump. “Hungry and lonely the wolf waits below.”

Some times I can wake myself up here, but if I can’t the dream will continue.

We’d warmed up, Kell and Kooper stood next to us. “Beck you’re up.” Our trainer hollered from the gate. I smiled over to Kell, “here goes nothing.” I mumbled.

“Knock their socks off!” She called after me as I trotted him into the arena.

The jingle of the metal filled the arena. I saluted the judge then circled Gospel. He wasn’t worked up, I wasn’t worried. I’d walked the course, knew how many lyrics it was going to take to get to the jumps. It was in the bag, or so I thought.

Gospel had a beautiful way of moving. It was almost as if he floated. His four white stockings always gleamed against his dark bay coat. He was my trainer’s horse, Kooper was his older brother. When they stood in the paddock together it was often hard to distinguish the difference, you had to get up close to see that Kooper had one black hoof, the front right one, where his sock had a hole in it, or so we joked.

The smell of the heavy dirt filled my nose and instantly congested me. I tightened my reins as we cantered into the first jump. It was the easiest of the course, a straight four bar jump. “If only if only.” I hummed. I was up in my stirrups and out of his mouth. He tucked nicely and we were clear of the jump. I looked over to the next, it required a hard left. So left we went. He was relaxed.

Gospel and I had a volatile relationship. My trainer had put me on him for a reason; I was the only one who would put up with his mood swings. He had a tendency to be explosive, if he wasn’t feeling the course he’d set his feet and away the rider would go. I was the only one who knew how to keep him going. I had figured the secret out by accident. The first time he sunk his heels I had hummed to myself to keep the nerves out of my head. The second I began humming he picked his feet up and jumped. We hadn’t had a problem since.

Six jumps into the course he was fighting me. I was singing quietly, I’d changed songs to Rockstar. “I’m going to trade this life for fortune and fame.” I jiggled the bit in his mouth. “I’m going to date a playboy bunny.” We were almost to the last jump when he exploded. “I’ll take a quesadilla.” He took the bit and sunk his heels, he slid into the jump. I lost my balance and fell to the left of him. My knee hit the top of the standard ramming it hard. My body flipped and caught the jump cup in my hip. I fell in between the bars and blacked out.

I usually wake up right there. I’d spent a few days in the hospital. My knee had been repaired as much as possible, but the doctors wanted to replace it. They practically begged me. I didn’t have it done, and now I’m paying for it.

The accident was the worst I’ve ever been in. I very easily could have lost my life. They say I rolled out from the jump and wanted to get back on. I guess Gospel had returned to me and tried to fight off people who had come to help me. He was an odd horse; he was almost like a dog.

The trainer sold him a couple of weeks after the accident. As much as I despised that horse it hurt to see him go. His current owner has the same problem with him; he sinks his heels on her. She decided he’s going to be a dressage horse; I’m interested to see where that takes them. In the mean time I’m having my knee fixed, I’m looking for a world class jumper, and keeping my eyes on the Olympic gold.

The New Life: Remember the Archer

Beans smiled at me over her coffee. “The protection of the archer.” She whispered.

I nodded. “I remember.”

She cocked her head to the side, “Really? I’ve been following you and it seems as if you’ve forgotten.”

I sighed and looked out the picture window and watched the pines across her yard. “I did.” I whispered.

“Don’t lose faith. He’s out there. Who knows things may change with the one you thought was the one.” She said as she kept her eyes on me.

I shook my head, “I think he’s long gone. He’s like the mustang you turn back onto the range, he runs and runs but never stops to look back and remember the sweet feed in the corral.”

She quietly chuckled to herself, knowing exactly what I was talking about.

My eyes met hers. “I thought being alone was the scariest part about this. But oddly enough I’m not scared of that.”

She nodded, “Don’t ever be scared of being alone. It’s practically impossible.”

I laughed, “I know. I’m okay being alone, I was before and I’ll be now. It’ll be okay. I just wish I didn’t have to be alone.”

We sat in silence for awhile. I stared at my creamy coffee, she’d gotten heavy handed, like always with the creamer. “What are you scared of?” She asked.

“Spiders, your coffee straight, and shutting my fingers in the car door.” I mumbled.

She laughed, “Well I’m glad you still have a sense of humor.”

I smiled at her, “I’m scared that I’ll never love someone the way I do him.”

“Did.”

“What?” I asked.

“Shouldn’t you say did rather then do?” She asked.

I shook my head no, “I’ll always love him.”

She leaned back in her chair, “I know what you mean. My second husband, I still very much love him.” She closed her eyes; I knew she was picturing him. “There is a part of me that always will.” She opened her eyes, “But I’ve found someone to love more, and know what, I honestly love him more. If it hadn’t been for my ex I wouldn’t know how to love someone.”

I stared at her thinking. “I honestly think he’s the other half of my soul.”

She shrugged and grabbed her coffee, “If he is then things will change. If he isn’t he’ll be like that horse and keep on running.”

It grew quiet again. “The other night, the way he looked at me. I’ll never forget it.” I whispered as the tears welled. “I could see how we used to be in his eyes, I could see the good times and the bad. But mostly I still saw the spark.” I whispered.

“You aren’t going to change fate. He is the only one who can stop himself from running. Give it some time and take a breath. If it’s meant to be then everything is going to be okay. I’m pretty sure he still thinks about you. It’s hard to believe he doesn’t.” She reached out for my hand, “Time is the only thing that will heal this wound.”

I nodded, “I just wish the time was over and everything was good again.”

She smiled, “Listen to me. Go to Omaha. Don’t think of it as running away; think of it as running to. You’re running to a better education and a better future.”

“Yeah. But that’s the other thing. He thinks he’s holding me back.”

“Oh.” She sighed as she retracted her hand, “There that may be the answer.”

I cocked my head to the side, “what?”

“If he really loves you he doesn’t want to stop you from your dreams, he doesn’t want to stop you from becoming what you want to be.” She said, “He thinks he’s looking out for you.” She thought for a moment, “But that’s not really a reason. Who says he can’t be there while you seek your future.”

I shrugged, “Beans. I think he and I are at two different points in our lives. I think that’s the simple answer.”

She nodded. “Either way, under the protection of the Archer what you seek will find you.”

“I just need the Archer to take the pain away.” I whispered.

“Then ask for it.” She said with a smile. “Don’t be scared Becks. The future is out there. But promise me you won’t let this one wound turn you cold.”

I thought about it for a minute, “Okay.”

“Good. Now go find your future. Give him some time, he may surprise you.” She said clearly.

“Who, Bowman or the Archer?” I asked.

“Who says that means either. Maybe it’ll be both.” She said with a cocky, knowing, smile.

“Beans. What do you see?” I asked, knowing she sometimes had the gift of seeing the future.

“Lots of sunshine. Don’t forget the archer.” She said with a smile. “He’s always there.”

The New Life: One Rein Stop

I sat with D in the front yard. The fire pit was roaring in front of us. He’d come up for deer season, but by the amount of whiskey we’d both already consumed I knew we weren’t getting up early. “Glad you came.” I said with a smile.

“No problem. I hope you find your buck tomorrow.” He said then took a swig of his straight whiskey.

“That has to burn.” I mumbled as I rolled mine around in my hand.

“You do it too.” He retorted, “Sometimes straight out of the bottle. Don’t deny it I’ve seen you do it!”

“Yeah but I don’t take big swigs like that.” I mumbled.

He laughed, “So how did yesterday go? He show up at the range?”

I nodded thinking about the mess of last night, “tore me to pieces.”

“He did?” He asked.

“No. Just seeing him, the circle of the conversation we had made it worse.” I mumbled then took a drink. The whiskey filled my nose then slid down my throat and burned. I stared at the fire. “Sucks.” I whispered.

“Just when you’re starting to heal.” D mumbled back.

I nodded. “But I guess it’s time to move on. He’s not willing to stop running.” I paused then looked over to D, “I remember the first time I did a one rein stop. It was shortly before I was in my riding accident, same damn horse.” I paused as I imagined the blood bay, “We were in a circuit show. He spooked and clamped down on the bit.” I leaned back in the chair and took another drink of my whiskey, “I reached down on the left and pulled, just enough to slow him. It took a little bit but he eventually stopped.” I said closing my eyes. “Everything was okay after that.” The tears were beginning to form.

It was quiet for a little bit, I listened to the fire pit and fought the tears and memories. “Beck.” He whispered.

I cut him off “The thing about a one rein stop is sometimes you flip the horse and more then likely you get hurt. Hurt bad.” I trailed off.

He sighed, “You just have to know how much pressure to put on.”

I nodded. “I was once told that if a one rein stop didn’t work your last resort was to watch out for the yucca plants and bail.” I looked over at D and half heartily smiled. “Should I bail?” I asked him.

He leaned back in his chair and looked up at the pitch black sky, “I can’t tell you that. But I can tell you that when I first learned to ride a motorcycle I was taught that if you ever get into a wreck stay with the bike.”

I nodded then looked down at my whiskey. “I had a friend in high school that was drinking whiskey. He blew it into the fire then inhaled really quickly, burned his face, nostrils and throat.”

D stared at me, “Wow that was a real change of subject.”

I smiled, “sometimes you have to change leads.”

He nodded. “What does that mean?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Watch out for the yucca plants.” He said with a smile.

“I’m more worried about the barbed wire fence.”

He nodded, “I think it’s funny how you relate everything to training horses.”

I laughed, “Well I am a horse trainer.”

“And a damn good one. Don’t ever doubt that.” He said with a smile.

We sat in silence for a little while. “I’m getting my knee done.”
“I know.” He said quietly.

“What happens if I don’t recover and don’t make it to the Olympics?” I mumbled staring straight ahead.

He sighed, “Your going to make it.”

The New Life: The Sportster

I sunk down onto the couch. Bella jumped up next to me, put her front paws on my leg and laid her silver head on the back of the couch. “If she bothers you just tell her to get down. Want a beer or something?” He asked as he walked into the kitchen.

“Just a coke.” I called after him.

“I’ve got some whiskey.” He said.

I snorted, “Yeah my whiskey.”

“Oh no that’s long gone, pretty good stuff.” He said as he came back into the living room.

I glared at him.

“I’m kidding.”
“Just a coke please.”

“Tequila still kicking you?” He asked as he disappeared again.

“Yes.” I moaned. Bella grunted, upset I was ignoring her. “Lay down.” I crooned. She sighed then curled up on the corner cushion of the couch.

D came back into the room and her ears perked. He handed me the Coke and then sat down in the lazy boy across from me. “How’s the knee?” He said as he popped the top of his Coke.

I shook my head, “Still attached.”

He smiled, “Still having the surgery?”

“Yeah, in January. I may change surgeons since I’ll be here.” I said with a sigh already dreading it.

“Well maybe if you change surgeons you can get in sooner.”  He said.

I stared at the cold coke in my hand. “Maybe.”

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

I fought the tears back. “Nothing.”

He sighed, “Liar.”

“It’s just the tequila hangover.” I said in a whisper. Bella squirmed so that her head could touch my knee.

“Becks.” He whispered.

“You don’t understand. It doesn’t matter I still love him.” I said as the tears started again. “It’s been a few days since I cried and I just had to go and text him last night.”

He leaned back in his chair. “You know my opinion about this.”

I sighed, “I know, but that doesn’t stop my heart. It doesn’t heal the pain.”

He closed his eyes, “I hate this.”

“What?” I asked.

“You in pain. If he honestly loved you he’d realize you’re in pain and that you still love him and want to fix things. Beck don’t fool yourself, I think he’s over it.”

I shook my head, “I don’t know. He won’t say.”

“Either way you need to be over this too.” He said in almost a whisper.

I closed my eyes, “No matter what I say or do I can’t recover.”

We sat in silence for awhile. I eventually opened my Coke and recovered from the tears. I rubbed Bella’s foot as she stretched out.

“She’s a pest sometimes.” He said.

“I don’t mind. Have you met my two?”

He laughed. “Yeah.”

“So I know that new bike is around here somewhere. I have to assume that’s why you brought me here.” I said as I sat my Coke down on the coffee table.

He smiled, “You think so huh.”

“You called me Friday and told me that the bike was mine. Don’t play with me.”

He laughed, “Fine. Come on.” He stood up. Bella leapt to her feet and trotted beside him starring up at him. I stood up and followed them.

We trekked through the gourmet kitchen, designed by his mother, through the laundry room into the garage. He closed the door behind me. I admired the Dodge and Harley memorabilia around the garage as the florescent lights flickered on.

“It’s over here.” He said motioning.

I followed him around the Jeep he’d been “rebuilding” for two years now over to where the motorcycle collection sat. I laid my hand on the gleaming Husker red Road King, “When did you get the Pan Head?” I asked as I stared at the bike in pieces on the floor.

He chuckled, “Well that ones a long story. I got it a couple weeks ago, I was supposed to rebuild it but the guy’s wife told him to sell it. So since I was already rebuilding it I just bought it, figured I’d find someone to buy it once it’s done.”

“You and your rebuilding projects.” I said motioning over to the Jeep.

“Hey now.”

“What. Honestly two years to rebuild a Jeep?” I said with a laugh.

He rolled his eyes.

“So a couple of weeks ago you told me you bought a new bike, is this it?” I said as I moved over to the black bike next to the Road King.

“Yeah.” He said. “I traded the Road Glide in for it.”

I nodded, “I was just going to ask you where it was. So what is this bike?” I asked.

“A Harley.”

“No shit Sherlock.” I mumbled.

“It’s a Fat Boy.”

“I haven’t seen one in person.” I mumbled as I admired the bike.

“It’s okay. I’m pretty impressed you recognize a Road King and a Pan Head.” He said as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“Well Bowman did teach me a thing, maybe two.” I said with a smirk.

“Oh geeze.” He said rolling his eyes. “This one over here,” he paused, “is the one we bought.”

I smiled, “We.”

“Well kinda. I figured I’d make the first few payments on it. Kind of a bribe for coming home.” He said with a smile as he took the cover off.

The gleaming blue Sportster I had been pining over said hello. I caught my breath in my chest.  I’d spent an outrageous amount of money on it, but I was happy, I had a bike of my own.

“Promise your going to ride it.” He said.

“I promise.”

“Good, then you may need this.” He walked over to his tool box and dug through the top drawer. He walked back to me with an envelope in hand. “Classes. I’m a good teacher but you’re going to need some professional help. Besides when you are done you’ll have your license and be in Sturgis with the boys.”

I smiled, “D you are the best.”

“I want one more promise.” He said as he handed me the envelope.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“No more tears.”

I met his eyes and paused, “It’ll be hard.”

“That’s what this bike is for, a distraction.”

I laughed, “I’ll try my hardest.”

He nodded in agreement. “Give him some time.”

“Kay.” I said as I starred at the Sportster, the new love of my life.

I took this picture the very first time I met this bike.
 It's been on my mind since then.