The New Life: Some answers?

The Big D missed my doctor’s appointment. But I wasn’t terribly upset; he did come back with a bike. As he rolled it out of the trailer my heart leapt into my throat. I fought the tears back and tried to pretend everything was okay. “At least it’s not blue. It’s not blue. It’ll be okay.” I thought to myself.

He pulled the kick stand down and rested the bike on it. “Well.” He said proudly.

I hadn’t seen the bike since he had bought it, it had hardly been out of his garage, “It’s nice.” I mumbled worried if I talked more the tears would erupt. “But it’s a Road King.”

He sighed, “He’s not the only one who has a Road King. You gunna be like this every time you see one?” He asked.

My mind flashed to being with Bowman on his bike. I fought the memory and tried to answer D, but the tears had exploded. “Probably.” I sobbed.

“Oh Beck.” He crooned as he walked around the bike. “It’s going to be okay. You’ll be just fine no matter what he decides.” He whispered.

As he wrapped his arms around me I began to cry harder. The memories flooded me and I couldn’t fight them. “He thinks I’m playing him.” I mumbled through it.

“Are you?” He asked.

“No. We both know what the results were.” I whispered.

“Does he think your fooling around?” D asked.

“I dunno what he means by it. But D I’ve always been faithful to him.” I whispered.

We stood in silence for awhile. The scent of leather burned my eyes. “I can’t tell you what he’s thinking. But I will say this, you are an awesome woman, if he sees that and really does love you, he will trust you. He will make it right by you.”

I stepped back and dried the tears in my eyes. I starred at the red bike gleaming in the setting sun.

“Mom would have said, every bad situation has a positive, even dead clocks show the right time twice a day.”

I laughed, “Your right, she would have. My Mom said that sometimes good things have to fall apart for better things to build.”

He smiled.

I looked back to the bike and thought for a second, “I really do love him.”

“Well let’s leave it at this,” He reached out and touched my cheek, “You’re an amazing woman, whoever gets you, whether it is Bowman or someone else, they’ll be the luckiest man on Earth.” He winked at me.

I smiled, “Thanks.”

“Anytime Baby Girl. You are going to make it no matter what he decides. I promise.” He said clearly.

We stood in silence for a second. “You know what?” I asked.

“What?” He said shoving his hands in his pockets.

“The crappy thing about heartache is it doesn’t kill you, like a bullet to the heart would. It just festers. You’re forced to live through it day by day.”

“I know. But eventually it stops hurting.”

“I didn’t go through this with my divorce, not like this anyway, it wasn’t as painful.” I said as I put my hands in my pockets and played with my chap stick, a habit of mine.

He thought for a moment, “Is it possible that Bowman is your first real love?”

My eyes met his, “I love him like I’ve never loved anyone else. I love him more then my horse.”

My appointment went better then I had expected. I have a lot of confidence in Dr. Hartman. He’s an actual Oncologist. He answered my questions, showed me my mammograms and the difference between cysts and tumors. “I doubt its cancer.” He stated, “But to be safe we will biopsy it and send it to the lab your mom demanded and get clear, helpful answers.”

I’m relieved. Being left in the unknown dark has left me scared. It’s shaken me and shaken me hard. I couldn’t answer questions because I didn’t know the answer myself.

As for the Bowman situation. I love him with my every being. But if he can’t trust me, if he wont be there for the doctors appointments. Then how can I know he’ll be with me in the future. He’s a good guy, when we are good we are great. But I can’t force him to be with me. I can’t force him to believe me, I can provide him with all the evidence possible, however should I really have to?

D is here for the weekend. We will see how it goes getting on his bike. I’m not sure that my heart is ready for that. I’m not sure I’m ready to deal with the memories right now, they are still to fresh, they only make the pain worse. But I’ve wrapped my heart in gauze and lace, put it back in its velvet lined box, and now I’ll let it heal. And that’s that…