The New Life: Side Effects of Fear

Fear has some odd side effects on me. It makes me snappy and impatient. It settles deep into my joints and aches. It makes me look ten years older and feel about 100 years old. Maybe that’s the side effects it has on everyone, but for me it seems to be magnified.

Last night I let the fear absolutely grab a hold of me. I let it make me snappy. I let it be taken out on Bowman… something I shouldn’t have done. He doesn’t deserve it.

I buried my head into the grays mane. He sighed and touched his nose to my knee, letting me know he was there. I sobbed hard as fear and loss of hope filled me. I heard the truck door close before I realized he had snuck up on me. Pecos Bill touched my shoulder, “I heard.” He whispered.

I turned and leaned into him. He embraced me and I cried hard. Pecos Bill has always been a father to me. He was the first one to take me pheasant hunting; He spent afternoons in the saddle with me. We’d talk on the phone while I was going through my divorce. “You’ll be okay sweetie.” He whispered.

“I’m scared.” I whispered.

“I understand that.” Sweet Cheeks touched the small of my back and played with my shirt. “You’ve got a lot of love around you. God won’t do you wrong.”

“It’s not just the cancer.” I took a step back and rubbed the grays neck. We stood in silence for awhile. “I really screwed up with Bowman.” I mumbled.

Pecos Bill shoved his hands in his pockets. “Oh Becks.”

I nodded. “Pecos, I can’t lose him too.” I sobbed.

“Give him some time. This is a scary time.”

“It’s not that. I did some shitty things.”

He nodded. “Tell me.”

“I posted this dumb shit on facebook and my blog. I let the fear overtake me and I completely lost control.”

He sighed. “Beck you can’t do that.”
I nodded, “I know. I won’t do it again.”

He half heartedly smiled then rested his hand my shoulder, “give it some time.”