The New Life: I'm Back

I rested in the shade beneath the Russian olive tree.  The meadow was clear, the deer still finding their way to it. I sat and enjoyed the afternoon symphony from the birds in the cottonwoods. I thought about everything that has happened this past week.

Bowman and I are still together. Tuesday was rough; it was hard to face the fact that our relationship might have reached its end. I don’t want this to end at this point. We both agreed there are issues, and we are going to work on them. I watched the cows across the meadow. It was a quiet hope that washed over me. A hope that everything will sort its self out and we can get back to how we were.

I thought about this weekend and the amount of fun I had. I shot in an archery tournament in Omaha. The longest shot was 35 yards, it’s was a cake walk compared to our shoots. There were six of us in my division, I place second. I was elated when the scores came across the board 368 out of 500. That is the best I’ve ever shot, I hope that it continues into the league, but it’s doubtful. My bow is still not shooting perfectly. But then again who, besides Bowman, has a bow that shoots perfectly for them. There is always some sort of tweak; mine just has more then others.

There was a gentle shift in the breeze and I thought of Sonny. The anniversary of her death is quickly coming up, October 9^th. I keep thinking about my promise to her, the promise that I’d take a deer with my bow. I’m working hard on it, but I’d like to have that promise fulfilled for her by then. It’s hard to think about her death. It was hard to not drive by the range while I was in Omaha. It was impossible to believe that she wasn’t going to be there.

My eyes shifted to the corner of the field. The does stood there quietly making their way onto the field. I sighed leaned my head onto my knees and watched them. It’s been one hell of a week for everyone involved. This week started off with one challenge after another and it’s only Monday. Here’s to hoping the past doesn’t repeat itself and that this week straightens itself out….

The New Life: The Clearing

I sat in the clearing by the Russian olive earlier. There was no breeze but I shuttered from the coolness of the fall. About fifty yards away the muley does played in the fall sun. I watched them as I cried. I could feel it coming in my joints, the way I feel a winter storm coming. I closed my eyes and cried more.

There was a quiet rustle in the grass behind me. I opened my eyes and turned my head. There stood my buck, quiet, observing the human sitting in the grass. I was still in my work cloths, unprepared for the hunt. Today I didn’t want to take the life from something as my life was being torn apart. He snorted and perked his big ears towards me almost reading my thoughts.

I looked away and left him. He stood quietly for awhile. While I cried he stood there starring at me, as the rush of tears faded he snorted then walked off towards the does. Mid way he stopped and turned to look at me, almost inviting me to come, I ushered him on and he joined the does on the meadow. The ache grew stronger as I thought about just a couple of days ago Bowman and I had sat in this exact place watching those exact does.

My heart shattered in my chest with this thought. The gentleness of the sandhills has always been able to soothe my soul. But today it couldn’t fix the heart that was breaking. I sat in the grass most of the morning, I had left work early. The amount of pain was unbreable and made it hard to excute my job in a professional manner. I sat in the grass unable to move. To think about where we started and where we are now kills me. To think about what might be lost rips at my being. And it’s all because I let the stress get to me. Sonny would be ashamed.

She always told me living by a plan was the wrong way to go about things. It’s a part of me, it’s a part of my ocd. If I don’t know what might happen then I can’t function. I look back at where we started seven weeks ago and think about all the good times. They say that’s when the end is near, when you go back to the beginning. This time they are probably right.

I wish Sonny was here today. She’d wrap me in her arms and cuddle me until the pain left. She’d have some wise words and some way to help me through all this. But alas she’s not here and I’m left to fight through this on my own. If I could push it to the back of my mind I would, but unfortunately when you feel for someone the way I feel for Bowman, it’s hard to not want to fight to keep the relationship. But fighting would only make it worse. So I’ll take the pain and deal with the only way I know how.

In the meantime my buck is safe, my bow is cased, I’ll probably never touch it again. Atleast not as long as the pain hurts. I’ll run off to Omaha this weekend and seriously think about moving back. This small town will be cold and I’m not sure I want to come back to it. There’s hope in Omaha, a fresh start. There’s the archery club I used to shoot in and my friends who might be able to convince me to get back to competing for a spot on the Olympic team. There’s the horse farms where I started my career. There is the option of school, and the opportunity to reconnect with my friends. Maybe that’s where I belong. Maybe my Momma’s begging wont have to continue. Maybe I’ll run from the only safe harbor I’ve ever had….

The New Life:

Last night I picked a fight, with Bowman. As the first words stumbled out of my mouth my brain screamed to shut the fuck up. But something kept the words coming. And by the time I had spilled most of the shitty words he was getting pissed.

The past two weeks I’ve felt pretty shitty. Overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted, why I don’t know, but the feels are still sitting there in my chest. The struggle to keep the pissy outbursts has absolutely consumed me. I wake up on the fight and go to bed on the fight. Yesterday I lost complete control. While it’s not a good reason or excuse it is what happend. This morning instead of the other feelings I am consumed with regret. What I said to Bowman was completely unfair. He does so much for me and makes all the time he possibly can. I don’t fault him for having a life, family, or friends. The honest and true Beck understands.

I hope he can forgive me, because I still very much love him. The real me is content with the relationship, she’s happy with every second he can give her. I hope he sees that…

Beck

A Bowhunter's Legacy: The Quiet Muley

I slammed the palms of my hands into the hard concrete. Pain recoiled throughout my arthritic body. I laid on my hands and knees panting in the cold fall rain. I had decided on three miles, I felt I was ready, but just as I reached the two and a half miles mark my knee had enough. Nausea waved through my stomach into my throat.

I lay down in the wet grass and tried to recover. In the distance I could hear the throaty roar of the thunder. I shuddered as the wet began to seep through my pink fleece coat. I began to cry, frustration settled as I realized I had done this to myself.

The tall drying grass waved in the cool settling breeze. I closed my eyes as pain screamed throughout my body. I tried a pain management technique I’ve learned, meditation. But it didn’t work; I couldn’t draw my mind out of the pain. So I lay as I waited for the pain to subside.  I’d been in the tall grass for about fifteen minutes when I heard something coming. I panicked as I rolled onto my stomach and sat up.

I met nose to nose with my buck. He looked at me curiously. The Big Guy in Camo’s story streaked through my head as my eyes widened, he had had a group of muleys try to trample him to death, but the buck gently touched his nose to my forehead, blew warm air, and then continued on his way.

I sat in silent shocked and watched him work his way down to the pond. I shuddered as I grew colder and realized my knee had quit screaming. I stood up and quietly walked home. The buck watched me pass then continued into the trees. I left him there, questioning if I had the heart to take him.

We shall see in the morning, I’m quietly hoping he disappears on his own accord, but then I think about another hunter taking him, it hurts more. We shall see where our continued path takes us.

A Bowhunter's Legacy: Full Blown

There is something about the wind through pines that seems to settle me. As I settled into my full draw I couldn’t help but think about how quiet the woods were. Thirty yard away stood a very nice buck, a buck that would have looked great on my wall. I say would have because, well he would have if hadn’t spooked.

I was taking my time settling the shake out of my bow arm. I saw him simply as one of the foam targets on the range. I settled my pin in the kill zone. Just as my pin settled I heard a car door slam up at the top of the canon. My buck raised his head and without any warning quickly dashed down the woods. He was out of sight before I could even think.

I was sitting there listening to the pines, starring through my empty peep sight thinking what the hell just happened. I groaned let the bow down and listened to the sound of the wind in the pines. I sat there waiting patiently in hopes he’d come back. He didn’t.  Of course there is always next time, but it never fails.

Archery league started last night. I scored a 353. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad, but considering the last time I shot an animal round I shot a 260 I’ll consider it improvement. I’m looking forward to the indoor season. It’s one of the things I enjoy the most league and competition.  Reflecting on where I was this time last year I’d say I’ve made leap and bounds as an archer. But what I am most proud of, the fact that I actually feel confident as a shooter.

As for the buck, maybe it’s meant to be. But still it’s really disappointing.

The New Life: P.S. I Love You

There comes a point in any relationship when you just know. When you know that your life will never be the same, when you couldn’t possibly be the same person without them, when you know that this is what love is meant to be. Today that point was solidified to me.

It hit me with a rush of happiness as I sat in the passenger side of the truck and looked out across the meadow. My eyes welled with tears as I realized he has my heart and I am perfectly happy with that.

As he sat listening to my granddad’s stories this afternoon I couldn’t help but smile. He seemed to be content listening to the old man’s stories about hunting and guns. As the gun show went on he seemed genuinely interested in the guns, guns that grandpa built. When we went to shoot blue rocks he encouraged me and told me when I made good shots. He built my confidence, instead of breaking me down. Because of that I improved, slightly, but its improvement.

When I sat in the passenger side of the truck and looked across the meadow into the sandhills I couldn’t help but fight the strong tears of happiness. I stepped out of the truck and choked them back. As he hugged me I kept from bursting into tears. It’s odd to me, these tears of happiness; I’ve never really had them before.

I’ve had that feeling, the feeling that he might just be the one, for awhile now. I had it before we even started dating; it grew stronger the first time we kissed, the first time he picked me up off the ground. I felt it at the range when he promised me we’d get my bow figured out before I left for Alaska. I felt it as I sat in the stands at the demo derby, when he made it into the main, and then as he stood on the hood of his car at the end of the race. It pounded hard in my chest the first time I rode on the bike with him. The first time he rode my horses I knew that hard pounding was for real. But today as it swelled in my chest I knew there was no going back.

Of course there will be times when I’m so upset with him I’ll doubt that feeling. But there is no denying it, I’m whole heartily in love with him, and there is no going back. He’s won the key to my heart and I am perfectly happy with that.

P.S. Bowman I love you the most. Ha I won!

Becks

A Bowhunter's Legacy: The Muley

Tonight he watched me move across the hard pavement with curiosity. We have rendezvoused at the same time for the past couple of days. He quietly stands watching as I take my evening run, not phased by the presence of a human. His muley horns have lost most of their velvet, and by opening day of deer season I’m sure the velvet will be completely gone. I’ve asked the guys if they have seen him, “the big five by six on the south circle.” No, they shake their heads, “Haven’t seen him.”

I paused for a moment as his eyes met mine, “Why do you only come out for me.” He snorted, raised his head and stared at me. He didn’t flinch or move a muscle. His ears twitched in the gentle sandhills breeze. Back in the trees behind him I laid eyes on two does. Their heads were raised also, but they were more nervous. They turned and ran off deeper into the trees, out of sight. He turned his head to look at them; he looked back to me and snorted again. “We’ll see.” I whispered then moved back into my run.

He was gone when I made it back to the gate. I imagine he had followed the does. He leaves me wondering, why he only shows for me. Each nigh he is in the same place waiting patiently, it seems, for me to pass him. He isn’t scared of me, isn’t nervous as my shoes hit the pavement, he’s content to watch me pass. His muley ears are always moving, listening to the hills around him. He’s keen and alert. The one time I passed him in a vehicle he ran quickly, but me on foot he doesn’t mind.

I’m sure when the time comes to draw on him I’ll be left wondering why he isn’t running. Maybe our paths were meant to cross, maybe he’s meant to be my first buck. But as smart as he is I’m sure he’ll disappear the first day of deer season, they must have a calendar somewhere that tells them what day deer season opens. But maybe he’s just meant to teas me, to get me pumped up for the season so I can take something just as big or bigger. Either way I’d be happy, if he’s staring at me on my wall or out in the pasture, he’s something special, I just haven’t figured out what yet.

The New Life: Hit the Pavement

For two weeks I’ve been a good girl. I’ve kept the impact level on my knee to the bare minimum. But today I broke down. I quickly changed my cloths and pulled the running shoes on. Two weeks without running was beginning to drive me crazy.

My feet hit the rough pavement hard as the recoil slammed pain into my knee. I pressed on through the pain, something I’ve learned I have to do.  My worries melted as I pushed harder for longer strides down the road.  Music blared through my ears as I wound my way down the road. At the two mile mark I stopped, breathing hard and regretting my decision.

The last couple of weeks played through my head. The bubbling frustration began to subside. I sunk down into the grass along the road. A handful of dragon flies danced in the cooling summer night. I sighed, still huffing. The two week break had really taken a lot of my stamina out of me. I sat in the grass for a little while and watched the sandhills for a little while. In the distance I could hear the haying tractors and the sound of the trains down at Antioch.

I thought about conversations I’ve had with Bowman. The drastic difference between the way Bowman and I communicate and how my ex and I communicated. I smiled, wrapped my arms around my legs and settle my chin on my knees. They were still slamming with pain, I intended to finish the run, I just wanted the pain to subside a little bit before I continued on. I could hear the scolding from Bowman in my head. I laughed as a rush of happiness hit me.

Running used to be a way of venting my frustration, but over the last couple of runs I’ve come to realize I run because it makes me happy. It’s not just about getting rid of the frustration, it’s about taking some time to get away from everything and find myself. Shooting does the same thing, riding too, but running it does something different. I feel like if I am literally running maybe it will keep me from emotionally running away.

Pain ached through my legs as I sunk into this chair to write this blog. In the morning my knees will be killing me, but it’s worth it. I’m not frustrated or worried, I’m happy. Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed for two miles, but oh well, it did me some good.

The New Life: The Archer's Protection

Today I took a drive to visit a friend of mine. Her real name is Susan, but we all call her Beans. How she got the nick name isn’t important. What is, is how I know her. We met through the Bordeaux Art Society. An art group I am a part of. I met her two years ago, she’s been with me through a lot, she’s the one I run to when I need some out of this world advice. She is one crazy woman, but that is what I love the most about her, she has answers I can’t get from anyone else.

Our conversation started as I sat across the table from her my coffee mug warmed in my hand. She’d gotten a little heavy handed with the Irish cream and I struggled through the sweetness. “So tell me.” She asked, “Why are you here?”

I sat back in my chair, “Come on Beans. I came to see you.”

“Bullshit.” She chuckled, “You only come when you need advice.”
I sighed. “I suppose that’s an accurate assumption.” I took a hard swallow of the coffee, trying to make room for more so I could dilute it.
“Alright Becks, tell me.” She said with a straightforward smile.
I closed my eyes, “Remember that whole promise I made to myself.”
“Well which one? You’ve made a lot of them lately.”
I opened my eyes, “Not supportive.”
She shrugged, “It’s true and you know it.” She mumbled then took a sip of her coffee.
“The one about love.”
“Ah ha. Don’t give your heart to another man until November. I do remember that one.” She said with a nod.
“Yeah, well I didn’t make it until November.” I mumbled taking another hard swallow trying to avoid her eye contact.

She didn’t scold like I was expecting, she simply said, “It happens. Are you sure you love him?”

I nodded, “I’m positive.”
“Do you even know what love is?” She asked.
I paused trying to formulate my answer. “Well I didn’t. But I do now.”
“Tell me.” She stated with frankness, doubting me.
I leaned onto the table and started at my coffee. “Tell you what?”

She sighed, “How do you know. You’ve only been a couple for a little while.”

I looked up at her. “I know. That’s what I can’t explain.”
She leaned back in her chair, “I’ve got a theory about love.” She paused to make sure I was listening, “There are two ways that love happens. The first is instant. The second is learned. But there is the ultimate love, it’s both instant and learned, it’s a love that will sustain through everything. I do not doubt you love him, but tell me is it a love that will sustain?”

“I don’t know. I just know that what I feel for him, it’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before. There is no doubt in my mind. The love is as solid as a couple who's been together for fifty years.”

“It sounds like a pure love. No body can define it or say that it has symptoms. You just have to know in your heart. If he's the one, you already know."
She paused.
"Was he the one who was trying to get you ready for Alaska?" She asked.
I nodded as I poured some black coffee into my mug.

“Ah. The one you fell hard for a couple of months ago?”

I nodded again.

She smiled. “Beck, do you remember what I told you back when we first met?”

I shook my head, “You’ve told me a lot of things.”

“Stop rushing life. Because you’re going to get to the end of it and look back and think, fuck why was I rushing? Take a deep breath and enjoy this ride. Enjoy this part of the relationship. If you rush through this you’ll never get it back.” She reached her hand across the table to touch mine, “Just take your time. Enjoy every second you get with him and know that eventually you’ll get what you want. I remember the phone call when you told me all about him and how you wanted so badly for him to ask you out. You got that didn’t you?”

I smiled thinking about how it all went down, “Yes Beans.”

“Okay then don’t rush the poor man just because you’ve been waiting. Under the protection of the Archer, what you seek will find you.”

I smiled. “The Archer?”

“The constellation. He’s fierce and war like. Just like you. He’s your protector. Let him do his work and what you seek will find you.” She said as she retracted her hand back to her coffee mug.

She's right of course. After all patience paid the first time and after a frank conversation with Bowman I think we stand on good ground. I'm not a patient person, I don't handle not getting what I want well. Never have, it's part of being an only child. But no one said I wouldn't get what I want, I just have to give it some time. Time it's such a precious thing...

The New Life: Anxious for Fall

When I was younger I dreaded the fall. It meant going back to school and that the winter was right around the corner. It meant that the freedom of summer was quickly revoked. I loved the scorching hot days of summer. I loved swimming in the lake and loping the horses through the summer grasses. I loved the thunderstorms and the rain. I loved the simple beauty of the sandhills in the summer. Don’t get me wrong I still love all those things, but I’m beginning to think my judgment of the fall when I was younger was unfair.

I’m anxiously awaiting the fall this year. It brings my birthday, all the archery hunting season, and orange leaves on the trees. Fall means cooler days in the round pen, fly free afternoons on the horse, but it also means that the A circuit shows are in full swing.

Of course I won’t be on the show circuit this fall. Sweet Cheeks is lame, for how long I don’t know. I find it unfair to make him work hard while he’s in pain, so the show season will wait, maybe indefinitely.

I’ve choose to focus my attention on hunting. But not just hunting, bow hunting. The trip to Alaska has been delayed, but that just means I have more time to hunt here at home. Deer season and turkey season are quickly approaching. I find myself itching to don the camo, wake up at the ass crack of dawn, and sit in the cool frost waiting for my big buck and tom turkey to walk into range. It’ll have to wait a couple more weeks; September 15^th is the official day of opening for archery deer and turkey season. I’m so enthusiastic about it I’m thinking about taking the day off!

This fall is also going to bring another anniversary for me. The anniversary of the day I decided I wanted change, big change. I'm excited to see where I am by November 16^th. I bet you I’ll be right where I hoped I’d be. We will just have to hold out hope and see where it goes. November 16^th, that’s the day, the big day. I’m anxious…

The New Life: A Ghost From the Past

There are two types of people in this world. There are the people who when you tell them you are the happiest you’ve ever been say “I’m so happy for you. Your life is finally going right!” and then there are the people who try their hardest to drag you back to the bottom the second they find out you are remotely happy. I am currently dealing with someone from the past whom is the latter of the two.

It seems he finds me every time I become happy. He’s always got something to harp on, some snide remark, and some attempt to ruin my happiness. It’s worked in the past, but today I decided to call him out. I choose a long time ago to not deal with him. I choose myself over him, I decided that my life was more important then anything he ever had to think about me, but he choose to be an asshole.

He’s found out I’m in a loving, genuine, relationship and it’s driving him crazy. He’s made it his goal to make me miserable. Well I can promise you one thing, this is my vent, this is the last you’ll hear of it because he won’t ever affect me the way he wants to.

Even though he is an asshole, I’m happy for him. His life seems to have gotten better. Of course I’m not directly involved and quite honestly I don’t want to be involved. But on the surface he seems happy. I am not going to try and ruin that for him. I just wish he could give me the same courtesy.

Becks

The New Life: Ketchup!

Tomorrow is the 23^rd. The 23^rd seems to be a pretty good date to me. I was officially divorced on the 23^rd of March. On the 23^rd of April I was back to my maiden name. By May 23^rd my heart felt pretty much healed. On June 23^rd I shot the best score I’ve shot yet with my Parker. On the 23^rd of July my feelings for Bowman were confirmed in my heart. Tomorrow is the 23^rd of August; I wonder what it has in store for me. Guess we will just have to wait and see.

I wanted to catch you all up on my crazy week, so here goes nothing!

Bowman had a protest about my last blog, “You make it sound almost like I was stalking you.” He remarked.

I laughed, but let me clear it up, Bowman wasn’t stalking me. We just kept noticing each other. I’d pass him on the highway and think there he goes. He’d come into the store and I’d think, you can linger a little bit longer. Now that he is mine, I still think the same things, they are just constant. But no, there was no stalking.

Our relationship has grown and gotten a lot stronger. Our communication is like nothing I’ve ever experienced. We are committed to each other and make an effort to be a couple. He’s willing to make time for me and I’m willing to make time for him. We have common interests and share common ground. We are a really great couple and I feel so safe with him, I know he’s with me through anything the universe could throw at me. I’m with him to, no matter what.

Over the past week a lot of other things have gone on. I’ve had my knee looked at, the conclusion isn’t promising. I’m, literally, dragging my feet with making a decision. What the doctor proposes would change my life completely. The simple answer is I’m scared, and until I’m not scared anymore I am going to keep dragging my feet.

The trip to Alaska has been postponed. It breaks my heart completely, but I know it’s for the better. I would be in a bad place if my knee gave out on me in the Alaskan Brush. Postponing the trip to the spring will give me time to decide about my knee and to be in a better place with my job.

I’m making progress within my job. I’m still not exactly where I’d like to be. But I feel more comfortable being a leader and setting an example. I’m okay with discipline and okay getting ahead of issues and communicating with my staff and supervisors. It’s a step in the right direction.

Over the last couple of weeks I’ve gone through a lot of struggles. But somewhere in it all I’ve found the purest happy I’ve ever felt. I feel so much better then I did just a couple of months ago. I’m happy with my life, even if there are struggles. I’m happy with the choices I’ve made personally over the last couple of weeks. What I’m not happy about is the hurt I’ve put other people through. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do about that. All I can do is apologize and hope that somewhere along the way they realize I didn’t do it to be malicious.

The effort to reach this place has been long and tiresome. Bowman tells me I look tired, and in all honesty I am. I’ve finally reached a place where I feel comfortable resting. I’ve finally found the happy ground, the place I’ve been searching for. It’s now time to lie down in the grass and take a nap. It’s time to stop fighting and just enjoy the ride, weather it’s on the back of Bowman’s bike or in the saddle, it’s time to enjoy.

Becks

Sorry to get your hopes up, but this blog had nothing to do with Ketchup, I just couldn’t resist!

The New Life: Introducing Bowman

Today a newer character in my life makes his debut on the blog; with an entry all about him. I’ve known Bowman since January; he’s actually made a couple of minor appearances before, under a different name. I can picture the exact moment he walked into my life. I still remember his shy smile and the way he kept me in eyesight. Mostly I remember the flutter of my heart as I realized that, what I all the sudden felt, was stronger then anything I’d ever felt before. He stole my heart instantly.

Over the last couple of weeks our relationship has budded and now it’s blossomed into a beautiful romance. He swept me up as soon as I came on to the market. Bowman was my rock when I found myself struggling through some of the darkest days I’ve had. He gave me confidence and support when I needed it the most. He’s given me his all and in return I’m giving him my all.

Alright now that you know about Bowman let me tell you what he did for me yesterday. He helped me check something off my bucket list, ride a motorcycle. His motorcycle is a big part of his life, I can appreciate that, it’s similar to me and my horses. So being able to share this with him is something I hope he’ll let me do.

Yesterday afternoon as I swung over the bike nerves were pulsating throughout my body. I was a happy mix of nerves and excitement. My mother’s nagging concern was quickly pushed aside as he started the bike. As it rumbled my screaming knee quieted. I relaxed into the seat and laid my hand onto his shoulder. I kept from wrapping my arms around him, though there was a moment or two when I felt I needed to. As we cruised through town he reached back and laid his hand on my leg. It made me feel safe and confidant, I knew I was right where I needed to be.

Ten blocks into it I fell completely in love with being on the bike. I quiet honestly wasn’t ready to get off at the end of the ride, but work always calls.  I’m excited and anxious for the next time he takes me out. I hope he doesn’t make me wait to long, I might not make! He may be subjected to puppy dog eyes…

Becks

A Bowhunter's Dream: Moose!

(Picture courtesy of Alaska Game and Fish)

It struck me like a rock to the foot; I’m under 30 days before I go to Alaska. My heart raced as I thought about everything that could happen between now and then. I closed my eyes and focused myself again. I drew my bow and settled into the shot.  The twang of the release echoed through out my ears as I watched for the arrow to hit the target. It quickly came to view, high right.

I sighed and stepped back to let Jace shoot. Restlessness settled inside me as my knee throbbed with pain; I winced but didn’t let him notice. I thought about the Alaskan brush and the amount of pain I will be subjecting myself to. Is it worth it in the end? Yes, of course. Is it going to hurt like no other pain I’ve ever felt? Yes, of course.

I’m still struggling with my bow. Sometime it shoots great other times it really lets me down. Of course it’s only going to take one arrow out of it to bring down my moose, but still it’s slightly nerve racking going in with a bow I’m not 100% confident in. It’s also slightly stupid. But at this point in the game it’s too late to do anything about it.

One of the clearest memories of my childhood is my Great-Granddad’s moose. I named him Alfred when I was younger. He was mounted above the fire place in the game room. He is what started my love for moose. Alf was an Alaskan moose shot in the Western Yukon. I’ve never heard the story about the hunt, but I imagine it was an adrenaline rush for Grandpa Bernard. Alf now hangs in the local gun shop. I’d love to bring him back to the family and mount my moose right next to him as part of the continuation of the legacy. The difference between the hunt that brought Alf home and my hunt is that Grandpa Bernard shot him with a rifle; I’ll be carrying a pink Parker bow.

At night I lie in bed and imagine myself laying in the brush. I can see my draw and release, sometimes in my imagination I miss. But most of the time I’m right on target. It’ll be different as I lay in the brush for real. I’m sure my heart will be pounding hard, my breath will be short, and my lack of confidence in my bow will swallow me whole. I’m afraid of the choke. It’s a question I constantly ask myself, what if I choke? The other is, what if I miss? They are valid questions in my mind. It’s possible that I’ll do both. It’s possible that it will take me the full ten days to bring my moose down. I may be hunting clear up to the moment I leave for the air port.

As I prepare myself for the hunt I try to maintain a positive attitude. After all this is the hunt of a lifetime, when will I ever be able to do this again? Possibly never. I just wish Mr. “I have no more vacation” would be right there with me. That’s right you’re going to catch all sorts of flack for that!

Becks

Quiet

I came across this picture in saved blogs. It was all by its self just waiting for the right words to join it. This is a picture of me and Sweet Cheeks a couple of months before my 16^th birthday, a couple of months before the accidents and pain. I don’t remember this moment in time. I don’t remember my mother taking this picture. But it seems like a moment in time when the world stopped and everything was right in the world.

I sat and starred at this picture for a while. It brought back a lot of memories about who I was then. It made me think about all the time in between then and now. I’ve changed, grown, and become a better person. I’ve also been to hell and back since that moment in time.

My world has crashed and burned at my feet more then once. I’ve done the juggling act, I’ve dropped a lot of balls, but I’ve grown and learned. Thinking about all my concerns and worries at that point in my life I can’t help but laugh. Of course I see the similarities in then and now and know that not everything has changed. I’m still a world class rider. I still have the drive and ambition to be in the show ring. I still hold myself to the highest standard in the industry. But some things have changed. I’ve become strong and independent. I’ve become my own trainer and my own cheerleader. I’ve learned that it’s not about winning; it’s about performing at your very best. I’ve learned a lot of things that the majority of show hands struggle with.

We all recover from accidents. Sometimes it takes a long time, but sometimes the recovery isn’t that long. If I had known at that moment in time about everything, every accident, mistake, or pain I would be subjected to I’m not sure I would or could have continued on the course I was on. But as think about it now and reflect I’m glad everything that happened, did. If it hadn’t been for everything that happened I wouldn’t be the woman I am today. The recovery from all my accidents has been a long struggle. There are days I still struggle with some the choices I’ve made. Often I have trouble coming to a decision because of my past. I either run to early or to late.

In the end all I can ever hope for is that I can continue on living life without regrets, that I can let the past go, and that my future is always bright. I want to stand at Heavens gates one day and reflect on the life I lived and know I did the best I can. I want to ride through the knee high grass and know that my entry fees were paid, in full.

Beck

The New Life: The Key to my Heart

Yesterday evening I was driving home from the archery range. It was dark and in the distance a thunderhead produced sharp lightning. I glanced occasionally out the window watching the lightning meet the ground. My radio was turned low and I could hear the highway under my tires. I suddenly heard over the radio lyrics to a song which struck my heart.

"Well, I don't want the whole world
The sun and moon and all their light
I just want to be the only girl, You love all your life
You love all your life"

I reached up and played with my necklace as I listened to the song. The pendant was heavy in my hand as I twisted the chain. The key to my heart. It physically represents the actual key to my heart. From the day I bought the pendant I've worn it, I keep it close. I've learned that who ever is going to get the key to my heart is going to have to be a pretty great guy.

"Well, I don't want the whole world, no the sun and moon and all their light
I just want to be the only girl,
You love all your life
You love all your life
You love all your life, life, yeah"

Who is that really great guy? Is it Handsome or someone else? I'm not sure. But I do know he's going to have to be amazing whomever he turns out to be. The man who gets the key to my heart is going to have to treat me the best Ive ever been treated. He's going to have to put me in the top of his priority list. I'm pretty easy to live with, I'm a woman who loves to shoot bows and guns, I love being outdoors, I love going down to the bars and having a good time. I don't ask a man to not have friends, I don't ask him to spend all of his free time with me, but I do ask that he loves me unconditionally and that he is there for me when I need him the most. Did I mention I'm a whiskey girl? I'm pretty unique and interesting.

"Would you catch a couple thousand fireflies, yeah
put them in a lamp to light my world
All dressed up in tux and bow tie hand delivered to a lonely girl, to a lonely,
lonely girl"

I've been through a lot in the past, but I'm working on letting it all go. Some days I do really great about leaving the past behind, but some days I find it nearly impossible to just leave it alone. I do know one thing for sure, I don't want to add anymore bad to my life, I'm ready to let the bad go.
As for being happy, well I'm working on it. Sometimes I am over the moon and other times I'm ten feet below the ocean. It happens, it's part of me and part of my obsessive compulsive disorder. But sure enough I realize I am the only one who can make me happy. I realized that a long time ago, it's just something I need to constantly remind myself.
I'm enjoying the ride, for the most part. It's been rough, it's going to stay rough for a while. But eventually I'll get to the smooth part and life will be great. It wouldn't be as interesting if there weren't bumps in the road.
Becks

From the Saddle: Back in the Ring



Yesterday was the first time I've been in the show ring in two years. I've been nervous about the show for a couple of weeks now. I was unsure of how my assistant would take to showing, unsure of how the horse trailer would pull, but mostly unsure of the behaviour of the horses.
First off I had a problem rounding up a truck. The day before the show my orginal plans for a pickup fell through. Luckily I had a friend step up and offer his truck. It worked out well and everything went off without a problem. I just want to thank him one more time. The horses loaded well for the most part and the drive to the show grounds was relativly painless. I haven't driven the trailer in around two years, I'll admit it made me a little nervous to be back in the driver's seat.
As we drew closer to the show grounds I asked my assistant to join me in the show day prayers. It's a tradition that started the day of my very first show, I hope it's a tradition she will continue. Before each show I say two prayers, the first being the Lord's Prayer and the second being a version of the Cowboy's Prayer,

OUR GRACIOUS AND HEAVENLY FATHER.
WE PAUSE IN THE MIDST OF THIS FESTIVE OCCASION, MINDFUL AND THOUGHTFUL OF THE GUIDANCE THAT YOU HAVE GIVEN US. WE WOULD ASK, TODAY LORD, THAT YOU BE WITH US IN THIS ARENA AS WE PRAY YOU WILL BE ALSO WITH US IN LIFE'S ARENA. AS RIDERS, LORD, WE DON'T ASK FOR ANY SPECIAL FAVORS IN THIS ARENA TODAY. WE ONLY ASK THAT YOU WILL LET US COMPETE IN THIS EVENT, AND IN LIFE, AS YOU DID FOR US. WE ASK THAT YOU GIVE US THE GUIDENCE TO COMPETE HONESTLY, TO BE WITH OUR COMPETITORS, AND TO GIVE US THE GRACE TO WIN WITHOUT THE SATISFACTION OF BEATING OUR COMPETITON.

HELP US TO COMPETE IN LIFE AS HONEST AS THE HORSES WE RIDE; IN A MANNER AS CLEAN AND PURE AS THE WIND THAT BLOWS ACROSS THIS COUNTRY; SO WHEN WE MAKE THAT LAST RIDE, THAT WE KNOW IS INEVITABLE, TO THE COUNTRY UP THERE.. WHERE THE GRASS IS GREEN AND LUSH AND STIRRUP-HIGH AND THE WATER RUNS CLEAN AND CLEAR; YOU WILL TELL US, AS OUR LAST JUDGE, THAT OUR ENTRY FEE'S ARE PAID.
WE ASK THESE THINGS IN CHRIST'S NAME. AMEN

We got to the show grounds, unloaded the horses, and discovered Sweet Cheeks had opened up an old cut on his foot. I had cleaned out the trailer and left the vet kit at home, it never fails. Jace went and got me a bottle of Allum to clot the cut and I still rode in my class. Sweet Cheeks was off though and so was I. Out of two classes of four I placed third and my assistant place fourth. She did well for her first show. I was pleased with her as I watched her in the ring. Of course there are a lot of things she and I both need to work on before the fall shows, but we've got time and she is a quick learner.

We were blessed with very few problems. It's probably the least stressful show I've ever been to. I'm glad everything worked out. So now we get ready for the jumper shows that are starting up. It's going to be a lot of training, but we can manage it.
Becks

A Bowhunter's Legacy: Chasing the Arrows

It would seem we are back to square one with Arie, my bow. She isn’t cooperating and is really starting to frustrate me. I spent last night down at the range with a friend chasing my arrows around the target. We’d move the sight up only to move it back down. It not only frustrated me it frustrated Jace.

As my hunting trip looms I find myself slightly panicked. I’ve called up to Black Hills Archery, he’ll take a look at my bow to make sure everything is okay and to make sure the limbs aren’t twisted. But as the frustration settles back into my chest I start to think that coming home with a moose might be next to impossible.

I’ve spent so much time in lessons learning proper form. I’ve adapted from recurve to compound. I’ve done everything to get myself ready, but I’m still struggling. The added pressure of the hunt isn’t helping. When I am shooting I do everything to push the pressure off. A lot of times I can get rid of it, but there is still that looming date September 5^th, the day I arrive in Alaska.

Sure I’ve still got plenty of time, but if I don’t find out what is going on pretty soon the hunt of a lifetime might not be worth packing my bags for.

Wisdom Wednesday

It's been awhile since we've had a wisdom Wednesday. Today I got this advice from a friend. I think it's worth passing on and living by....

"Sometimes we don't see what is right in front of us because we keep looking behind us. Turn around and look in front of you. See the future, live for it, let the past be the past."-M


Becks

The New Life: Old Friends

Today I realized how much I really do miss my friends in Omaha.
I spent fourty five minutes talking to my best friend from high school. It's amazing how much our lives have changed, how much we've both changed, but mostly its amazing how we picked up the conversation where it left off. T and I were pretty close in high school, I considered her a sister, I still do. When she asked why I hadn't called to tell her my life was falling apart I didn't have a good answer. But I honestly wanted to so bad. I guess I figured she had a lot going on in her life, she didn't need my stress too. I've missed her everyday from the day she stood up with me at my wedding. I hope we can really make time for each other, I'm longing for the fun times we used to have together.

Afterwards I roamed the Big D's facebook page. I haven't talked to him in about two months. I've called and left messages, it would appear I've done something to make him mad. The Big D and I always had a close relationship. He helped me early on in my archery career, as a matter of fact he still helps me he just doenst know it. He is just like my Pappa. I really miss talking to him. Today I saw he got a huge tom during the turkey season. It made me miss him more, knowing I wasn't there to share in the excitment. I wish things were back to normal with him. Maybe I'll invite him out for deer season and see where it leads. I miss my Pappa, I hope he comes around.

Lastly I miss Ames. I just saw her last month. We caught up and talked about our futures. I still find myself missing her. I miss how we used to go down to the arena and roam around on our horses. I miss all the laughs that echoed throughout the barn. I miss the encouragment and the hope she filled me with. In all honesty she isn't that far away, I could go up anytime and see her, but for some reason my busy life holds me back. She is another sister of mine. I hope we never lose that because I love her as if we were family.

Why I've all the sudden started missing my friends I don't know. But I do know that having Handsome in Omaha for the last week has really made me miss Omaha. When I talk to him I can almost hear Omaha behind him. I can picture him out with his friends and it really makes me miss all of my friends still there. Honestly when I ran from Omaha I didn't intend to run from my friends. I didnt mean to abandone them, it just kind of happened.


T, Big D, Ames, I love you guys so much, you are my extended family... I promise I'll make more time for you guys... I promise come hell or high water I'll be there.
Becks

From the Saddle: Luna

Legado de la Luna. That is her name, Legacy of the Moon. The day she was born was the day my life changed forever. I had made a lot of life decisions. I was distracted and un happy. When I found her in the pasture with her momma all my worries were gone.

The day of my riding accident was a bad day. Work and my relationship had worried me. My nerves and patience were fried, in hindsight that is probably what got me into the accident. But before the accident I stood down by the round pen as my assistant worked her horse. I watched her closely as she bonded with the mare. Then quietly and swiftly I felt a nibble on the back of my shirt. Luna was still lose in the pasture, and there she stood behind me.

I turned and petted her. I rubbed her whole body, it was only the second time I had ever touched her. My heart flew into my throat as I realized the gift I've been given. The only other mare I've ever bonded with was Moon, the very mare this filly is named for. I knew I was correct in naming her after her, Luna is just as special as Moon was.
The native Americans believed that white horses were symbols of light, hope, and the messenger of birth. White horses held a special place in their belief system. Luna holds a special place in my heart. She was born a few months before I decided I wanted a divorce. She is my symbol of hope, my guiding light.

She has come a long very nicely from the first day I handled her. I am excited to continue getting to know her and to continue her training. I know one day she is going to be a very talented little girl. Who knows maybe she is my next jumper. But even not she sure is a keeper.

Snap Shots

Today I needed a little bit of quiet. So I thought I'd share some snap shots from my New Life.

The New Life: Wanted- Distractions

Wanted- Distractions

Handsome is going on vacation for ten days, without me.

This will be the longest time I've been apart from him since we started dating. I'm not entirely sure how I will handle it. There was a time when I could hardly handle four days, and as his departure date looms my heart has begun to sting in my chest.

In an effort to prepare myself I've warned my friends their week will be dedicated to trying to distract me. A golf lesson, a game of tennis, jogs around the park, trail rides, shooting, two nights at the rodeo, drinking, etc , etc. It helps that my momma will be here mid vacation. She's a great distraction and I always find it hard to be sad when she is around.
But here is my prediction for the week:

Day one:

50% chance of rapid mood swings

Day two:

60% chance of random angry outburst

Day Three:

70% chance of reclusive behavior

Day Four:

60% chance distractions will cure upset behavior

Day Five:

80% chance phone calls aren’t helping, distractions will be needed

Day six:

90% chance of rampant alcoholism

Day seven:

100% chance of a hangover

Day eight:

50% chance knowing he’ll be home in three days will settle me down

Day Nine:

60% chance I’ll be pissy

Day ten:

90% chance my mood will be back to normal

I hate to admit it but I know for sure I'm going to be missing Handsome. Our brief phone calls will be nice, but it's not the same as a face to face talk, and I'm sure he'll be to busy to talk to his girlfriend. Sigh....

There is some anger right there. Oh geeze it's already begun....

Becks

A Bowhunter's Legacy: Quiet Season

We are in between seasons here in the sandhills. Currently there isn 't a hunting season open and the league season has yet to begin. It's quiet season. Which means when I'm down at the range I'm just puttering around. We started to play archery golf, which is quiet a fun way pass the time.

But yesterday I shot a 3d round. I was quite pleased with the results. My bow is shooting the best it ever has and I am very focused and not frustrated. It's helped to have a little down time and relax. It's something I will have to remember when league begins again, take time to just enjoy shooting.

It's been a lot of fun to just go shoot for the fun of it. It's a relaxed environment right now. There is a lot of conversation time and time to improve as an archer. But I must say I am ready for league to begin, I miss seeing some of the regular archers, I miss their crazy stories, I miss the commradery.

Becks

From the Saddle: Fear

Most of my riding career I've struggled with myself. Not my whole self just a little piece, it's the little piece that contains fear. I spent almost a whole year after a riding accident starring at my horse out in the pasture. I'd bring him in brush him then quickly turn him back out as soon as the thought of riding him crossed my mind. I didn't want to face my fear, I let it consume my every movement.
It wasn't until I started volunteering at a handicapped riding school I realized there was no reason to be fearful. The realization hit me like a flood. I remember the exact moment, its a moment that will stick with me forever. I will remember the relief as it flowed through my body.
The first time I mounted up after my accident my knuckles were white, I was shaking like an orange leaf in the fall, and I felt like I was going to vomit. But I swung my leg over and relaxed into the saddle. To my amazement everything I had feared didn't happen. I've never looked back since then. Every time I swing into the saddle I am reminded of my fear, because every time I mount up there is a surging pain through my knee. It's also that pain that reminds me there isn't a reason to be fearful.

This afternoon I watched my assistant struggle with her own fear. I encouraged her to work through it, knowing that if she walked away from the mare she might never mount up again. Once she had calmed herself down she was able to swing over. I smiled at her as she did it knowing that it was minor progress. She might not have beat the fear completely, but she has made progress.
It took over a year for me to conquer my own fear. I'm not expecting her fear to go away over night, but I'm also not accepting any excuses, she'll mount up and ride off into the sunset before I'll accept excuses, and considering she works nights that might be a long time!
I'll be with her every step of the way. I won't walk away until that fear is gone.
Becks

From the Saddle: Accident Prone

Through out my equestrian career I’ve seen a lot, I’ve been in a lot of bad situations. I’ve seen friends break their necks riding over jumps. I’ve felt a horse break its leg on a jump. I’ve watched horses fall into jumps. I’ve seen dreams end.

As I laid on the back board with a neck brace on in the ER I began to think about my entire career and all that has happened. I thought not only about what has happened to me but what has happened to my friends. I remembered being drug through the arena, I remembered breaking my knee on a jump standard, I remembered slamming into concrete, and I remembered the feeling of Moon breaking her leg. Pain pulsed through my body with the last memory, eventually the nurse put meds through my IV that relaxed my muscles, but it didn’t help, the pain was still in my mind.

I laid on the back board as they did the CAT scan on me. I closed my eyes and pictured Kell’s horse Kooper. He was a beautiful blood bay. His breeding was superior, he was noble, and he knew it. Suddenly I pictured the day he died. I flung my eyes open trying to avoid the memory. He broke his leg, his short life ended at eleven.

The nurses moved me from the CAT scan bed back onto the rolling bed. I closed me eyes and tried to not think about Cally and Mark. Both were killed in riding accident, Cally was 18 and Mark was 32, both lives full of potential. Mark left a pregnant wife behind. Cally was looking to join the US Equestrian Team.

I thought about all the acquaintances I knew just through showing who have been injured. I thought about all of the horses who have been lost. Simply silly I thought. Jumping is a dangerous career choice.

I could have decided to be a western pleasure trainer, a polo player, or even just a riding instructor. But I didn’t, because despite all I’ve seen and all I’ve been through, jumping is and will always be my passion.

No one will tell you that horses aren’t dangerous. Each discipline has it’s own dangers, jumping just seems to have a pretty high level of danger. Is jumping worth all the pain, blood, and tears? You bet. Because Kooper, Cally, and Mark all died doing what they loved.

My accident was sobering. I realized if I hadn’t been wearing my helmet I probably wouldn’t be writing this right now. I wouldn’t be thinking about my next ride. I wouldn’t be thankful that someone was watching out for me. Will it keep me from jumping? Probably not. Will I be cautious? You bet. I always am.

From this moment forward I will never mount up without a helmet. Neither will my assistant or our clients. I’m thankful I walked away with only a concussion, it could have been much worse, I might have not walked away at all.

God bless you and yours. Please be careful…

Becks

Dedicated to all those who have lost their lives doing what they loved...

The New Life: Dreaming

I lay in bed, wide awake starring up at the ceiling fan. I shifted a little closer to him so we were barely touching. I had been dreaming of all sorts of things when suddenly my dream turned into a nightmare, a gory nightmare. I closed my eyes as he laid his arm over me. I relaxed with his touch and eventually fell back to sleep.

I  fell into a dream with Sonny. We were sitting at the counter of the archery range. Her beautiful blue eyes beaming with life, her cigarette in hand, the TV quietly playing behind me.
“It would seem that you've finally come to terms with everything." She said as she flicked the ashes off her cigarette into the ash tray.
"Yes ma'am." I slicked my hair back and pulled it up into a pony tail
"Beautiful.” She said with a smile. “It also seems that you've found out how to make yourself happy."
"Yes ma'am. I've learned I'm the only one who can do that." I stated as I leaned on to the counter. “I’ve come to terms with everything that happened. I realized that I made some bad choices, I made mistakes. I should have listened to everyone who told me not to get married.” I sighed, “I’m in such a better place.” I smiled, “a much better place.”
She smiled "I see you've made some progress as a young woman."
I smiled, slyly, back "What does that mean?"
"It means you finally know what you want."
I paused, "Well I know what I want for sure.” I played with the lose fletching lying on the counter.
“Still in a rush?” She asked as she cocked her head and watched me.
I shook my head and smiled, “Nope, It’ll happen when it’s meant to.” I sat up and looked her in the eyes.
“So tell me, you going to fall in love again?” She asked as she clicked the TV off.
I paused. The sound of arrows smacking the wall in the range echoed throughout the dream. “Eventually, but there is no rush.”
She smiled, “Smart girl. You have learned. So tell me about the new boyfriend.”



Something threw me back to life, suddenly. I opened my eyes as he asked me a question “You feeling better?”
“Um huh.” I mumbled as I rolled over. He repositioned his arm and I quickly fell back into the dream.



She smiled at me, “Ah I see.”
I smiled back, “It’s a young relationship. We will see where it goes. Right now I’m just enjoying being with him, being his girl.”
She smiled, “Promise me you will take it slow.”
I raised my right hand, “a turtle’s pace.”
Her laughter rang through the dream; I laughed right a long with her. “Just don’t rush it.” She finally stated.
“No rush.” I promised.
She smiled at me one more time.

My alarm rang and I jolted up in bed. I turned it off and lay back down on the pillow. I curled up to him, we were on vacation, no where to be, no rush. I smiled as I thought about the dream and nestled my head next to him.
“Miss you Sonny.” I whispered then closed my eyes. I fell back to sleep quickly.


I’d like to think it really was her there with me. I hope she approves of the way I’ve changed over the past couple of months. I hope she realizes that often I think of her and miss her. She was, is, something more to me then just a friend, she is a confidant. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss her.

Losing her was a painful, but what is even more painful is not knowing if she really is here with me. Of course it doesn’t really matter; I know that if I need her she’s here because she will always be in my heart. But it would be nice to know the honest truth, if she does really approve of how I’ve changed my life.

The Ranch Girl Experience

The ranch girl experience may very well become a new series, but for today it’s stemming from a comment I made to my assistant trainer a few days ago, “we are learning how to become ranch girls.” She laughed but I was serious.

Over the past couple of months my ranch girl education has been taking crash courses. First I had a crash course in fence repair. Then a couple weeks later I had a crash course in tractor operation. Then finally I had a crash course in vehicle repair, twice…

“How do you get two vehicles stuck in the same spot?” He asked.

“Don’t ask.” I mumbled as I sunk into the Adirondack chair on the patio. He laughed as the phone crackled a little.

I rolled my eyes as I thought about what had happened. I was driving along the fence looking for where the horses had torn through it. The meadow is wet, that much I knew, just how wet was the question. I reached down to turn the radio down to listen to the ground below the truck when all the sudden I was stuck. It was something I had never felt before, no gradual slow down, no sucking, just a stuck. I sighed then leaned a little out the window to see how deep. “Half way up the wheel.” I mumbled. No need to try, it was stuck that much I knew for sure.

Earlier in the day I had questioned my assistant’s decision to wear shorts, she would quickly learn why. We got out of the truck and began the trek to the tractor. As soon as we stepped foot out of the truck we were drowning in a swarm of mosquitoes. By the time we had made it across the meadow she was covered in mosquito bites.

We found the tractor covered in spider eggs and hatchlings. I sighed and decided that since we couldn’t identify the kind of spiders we were best to leave them alone. Eventually we got back to the house and began trying to revive the old suburban. We tried to jump it but quickly realized there was more wrong with it then the battery. With a phone call and a little help from my assistant’s uncle we got it running.

I got it stuck too; on ground I thought was dry. All in all I was full of dumb decisions. But at least we got some ranch girl experience! Eventually I called in back up and we got both vehicles unstuck, just before the thunderstorm.

My assistant is in for a crash course in ranch girl. Whether she knows it or not I hope she’s up for the lessons!

Becks

The New Life: Wild Filly

The hot summer air whipped hard against my skin. The tall wild grass danced in the breeze. I watched as the mare reared. Her blue eyes shinning in the summer sunshine. She squealed and rolled her eyes, her white hooves striking the summer sun. She squealed again then sunk her front end down to the ground. She bucked hard, squealed again and then took off on a dead canter around the round pen.I watched her fight the bridle and bit. She swung her head and flipped her front end into the air. I was impressed with her furry. She bucked hard and squealed again. Then as quickly as she had exploded she settled.
The birds sung in the trees across the meadow. Her ears flickered as she watched me and listened to nature around her. She snorted then started to lick her lips and turned to face me. A brief smile floated across my face. I turned my back and listened to her quiet foot steps. She stopped two feet behind me and exhaled. I turned to face her, "I understand." I whispered.
As I stood petting her, I realized her situation was much like mine. I realized her furry was much like mine. I looked into her blue eyes and realized her heart was just like mine. Her anger was based on something similar to what I felt. But one thing was different, she had come to terms with her anger. I sighed and looked out across the meadow.
The breeze had settled a little and the other horses stood grazing in the meadow. Yellow dandelions danced amongst the strands of grass. Meadow larks sung in the warm air and the pines whispered quietly. I stood quietly as I began to piece together myself. The mare stood quietly behind me, licking her sweet copper bit.
Her owner hollered out of the barn. "Beck, you okay?"
"Yes ma'am. I was just thinking."
"Okay." She disappeared back into the aisle. The mare snorted once more then touched her nose to the small of my back. I closed my eyes and began to cry.

The mare quickly lost interest in me and found a small patch of grass to nibble. The reins swung down around her ears. I stood immobile sobbing. Not really sure of what I was crying for, not really sure why I was angry, but knowing I was angry about something and knowing I needed to cry.
So I cried and cried until no more tears came. Then I took a deep breath. The mare stood napping in the warm air. The breeze was all but gone and her tail swung quietly as she tried to brush the flies off her back. The sun was beginning to become pink in the western sky. I realized that I had been in the round pen for over three hours.
I quietly walked the mare back to the barn. I untacked her and slipped her back into her stall. C stood quietly in her office, "Beck." She whispered.
I nodded, "I was just finding myself. I realized through that mare what I've been doing. I realized that I'm trying to control my life too much. But mostly I realized that I don't have to be angry because I have nothing to be angry about."
C smiled.
I looked at her,"You did that on purpose. There is nothing wrong with that mare. she's probably already broke isn't she!"
C nodded, "yeah she's green broke. But she has a tendency to explode like she did today. She reminds me of you, I thought maybe you could learn as much from her as she could from you."
I sighed, "You bitch, always trying to teach me something."
She smiled again," better now?"
"Yes ma'am."

Silly Advice from Friends

Every once in awhile my friends give me gems of advice, they are usually so great it's hard to keep them to myself! So here we go, a new series that will appear from time to time, just for my friend's silly advice.

"Don't shave your legs, It'll make you not want to have sex." ~K.O.

This little gem came the day before I had a date. She made me laugh and now I carry it with me all the time, eventually I'll pass it on to some other friend and she'll roll her eyes just like I did. Oh and if you were wondering what my response was, "to late I already shaved."  Sorry that was probably to much information. Blunt honsety, that's what you'll get from me!

Becks

The New Life: The Games end NOW

My feet hit the pavement hard, my red hair whipped in the wild wind, music blared through my ears, my lungs stung hard, my calves ached with pain, but I pushed myself harder. I picked up the pace and pushed for the last quarter mile.

I reached the top of the hill that marks two miles. I slowed and sunk to my hands and knees, panting, barley able to breathe. Through the gasps for air tears streamed down my face. Worries about work and family flooded me. I sobbed harder and sucked cold air into my lungs.

I stayed on my knees in the gravel until I caught my breath. I sat down and looked out into the valley. The cows were grazing peacefully, unaware of any troubles in life. I was still crying, but my anxiety medicine had kicked in. I took deep breaths and relaxed. I listened to the wind whipping through the short grass. I could smell the alkaline lakes in the valley.

I closed my eyes and let the sandhills soothe my soul. I replayed recent, happy, memories in my head. I relaxed, the tears subsided, and so did the fear. “It’s all just a game.” I could hear him say, “Just a game.” I laughed, “Yes your right.” I mumbled then stood up and wiped the gravel off of me.

The walk home seemed longer then the run. My body begged for mercy. I pushed on and finally made it home. I went straight to the tub and sunk into a bubble bath. I relaxed and stopped worrying.  I’m not entirely sure what relaxed me. Maybe it was the happy memories. Maybe it was knowing that my safe harbor is very close.

I did decide that no matter what I’m not going to let people fuck with me anymore. I’ve learned over the past couple of weeks that you can’t carry work home with you. It has to stay at work. I’m making an effort to leave it there. I’m also making an effort to improve in my job. We will see how it goes. But no matter what I’m not going to let people mess with me anymore. I’m done playing those games, life is too damn short…

From the Saddle: Cute Undies Aren't for Horseback Riding

I learned a couple of lessons from my horse this weekend. First I learned that if he says the cinch isn’t tight, he’s probably right. After I finally got the cinch tight and got into the saddle I learned that if he says the mud is too deep, it probably is, and lastly I learned that cute undies are not necessarily proper for horseback riding.

I saddled Sweet Cheeks up in the English saddle and got ready to mount up. I use a mounting block due to the fact that my knee can’t support all of my weight while swinging up. Sweet Cheeks kept side stepping and dancing around, something he has never done, something he was specifically trained not to do. I cursed at him and finally got him to stand still. I put my foot in the stirrup and swung up, my saddle slipped and I found myself on the ground. He stood looking at me like I was an absolute idiot. “I told you so.” I could almost hear running through his head, “silly girl, you never listen.”

After I fixed everything and finally got mounted we worked our way across the meadow. The lake is swollen with water which spills out into the meadow turning it into a swamp. Usually there is a good crossing in the middle of the pasture, unfortunately it wasn’t this weekend. He danced and pranced and tried to avoid crossing. I pushed him on, daring him to find out what would happen if he didn’t. He set his head and trudged across the meadow. Mid way the mud got deep and he had to pull his feet higher out of the ground. He snorted and again I could hear, “I told you so silly woman.” I mumbled, “Yeah shut up.”

By the time I had finished riding I had the worst wedgie I’ve ever had. I learned that lesson without Sweet Cheeks comments. Forget the cute undies to ride in, they aren’t necessary! But at least I didn’t have underwear lines!

Becks

The New Life: Home Sickness

Today I find myself missing Omaha. The whole time I lived in Omaha I really wanted to be in Alliance. Now that I live in Alliance, my hometown, I find myself really wishing I lived in Omaha. Don’t get me wrong I’m fairly happy here. I have a good job that I enjoy most days and I live on the family ranch and ride my horses everyday. I can see the stars at night and watch the sunrise and set in the hills. I have great friends here. I’m happy, I posses inner peace, something that never existed within me in Omaha.

When I start to miss Omaha it’s usually because I’m missing someone or some place in Omaha. Right now it’s the girl I consider to be my best friend. She’s going through a really tough time. Her job has become really hard on her, she and her high school sweetheart broke up, she is now a single parent, and her mother is on her death bed. Kells got me through a lot in high school. I met her the day after we moved to Omaha. She became my confidant; the one I knew was always in my corner. If anyone can read me like a book, it’s her. I don’t have siblings, well except for Kells, she’s the closest thing to a sister I’ll ever have. I wish I could wrap her in a hug and reassure her she’s going to make it through. I wish her life would get easier. I wish I could be in Omaha right now just for her.

The place I miss most is the shooting range. I could drive to it on my sleep. I could shoot the range with my eyes closed. I can still hear Sonny’s laugh and smell her cigarettes. I can hear the arrows flying down range and the classic rock playing over the stereo. I can still picture most of the regulars and see F Street out the front windows.

The second place I miss is the horse barn in Elkhorn. I can still hear the sleeping horses and the sound of tack and buckles hitting the rails. I can hear Brenda providing orders to her clients down in the arena. I can smell the horses and feel the wood shavings against my skin. I can feel the breeze flow through the aisles and hear the tractor rumbling out in the paddocks. I can see Amy’s smile and her happy appy standing in the cross ties.

The last place I miss is home. My momma’s home was always my sanctuary. I can still feel the carpet between my toes and see the yard through the windows, sunlight streaming in warming the cockles of my heart and soul. I can feel the purest happiness as I snuggle on her couch and watch House or Ghost Hunters or Real Housewives. I can feel the sticky keyboard of the computer I did most of my homework on. I can smell dinner cooking in the oven. Happiness, pure happiness is what I feel the most.

What I miss the most about Omaha is the activity and the availability. If you want to go do something on the weekend, there’s something locally to do. If you break your bow or lose a piece of tack there is a store open. If you want to plant the most beautiful flower bed in town there is a nursery. Need to fix something in the house; well you’ve got a few home repair stores to choose from. Need a new rifle, there are six outdoor stores locally, you don’t even have to cross the river! And you feel like having a drink and going to gamble, well lets cross the bridge and waste the night at the casino.

I miss the events, the taste of Omaha, the farmers market, the art in the park. I miss the mounted police and the horse drawn wagons in old town. I miss people not knowing where my hometown is, “Alliance is that even in Nebraska?” I just miss Omaha.

I wish I could transplant a piece of Omaha right here to Alliance. I'd transplant Kells or bring Momma home for good. Maybe I'd bring the taste of Omaha here or even Shakespeare on the green. I'd bring old town here or Spaghetti works. Maybe the bow shop Woods and Waters or the tack store The Paddock. How about Funny Bone comedy club. I suppose that would never work. But I do have a small piece of Omaha with me, it's my Bellevue East t-shirt, guess I'll go put that on and see if it helps.

They say the only remedy for homesickness is to go home. Sometime soon I’ll have to pack my bags and escape for a few days. Escape back to the place that used to be the most dreaded place in the entire world. Would I move back? I dunno, am I ready to visit, hell yes… So watch out Omaha here I come!

Becks