The Sportster: Dumbasses + Motorcycle = Hurt

One of my greatest fears, above dying alone, is laying my bike down. I can picture all sorts of nasty scenarios, none of them end well. I even have nightmares about it. But my biggest mistake was admitting I had this fear to D. He’s now determined to get me over it, and it started today with out first “safety” lesson. I use the term safety very, very, loosely!

“We are going to lay it down real slow. It won’t be running and you won’t be moving. We are going to tip it over so you can learn how to get out from under it, how to tip it over; all that stuff.” He said as we stood in his driveway with a couple of our friends.

“D this doesn’t sound like a good idea.” I said as I tried to avoid it.

“Ah you are going to be just fine, we are all here.” Toby said.

“You are going to have to do it at some point.” Tennessee chimed in.

I shook my head, “no. Fuck no.”

After 30 minutes of arguing with D, Toby, and Tennessee I finally relented. Suddenly as the bike was laying on me I remembered what he had told me when he gave me the lessons, “I’m not a very good teacher.” I agreed with him.

Of course the dumbass, no I should say dumbasses, didn’t keep me from getting hurt. Once the bike got to a certain point the boys couldn’t keep gravity from it smacking me hard into the driveway. I have a developing bruise on my leg and shoulder, my hand has a couple of cuts from the concrete, and I don’t feel any better about tipping the damn bike over! As a matter of fact I think my fear is worse then it was before.

I did learn something from this all, don’t let dumbasses handle your motorcycle!

From the Saddle: My Dream Side Saddle Mount

I am lucky enough to own the horse of my dreams, which would be Sweet Cheeks. But I can’t help but dream about my perfect side saddle horse.

Of course it would be a gelding. It’s no secret that mares and I don’t normally get along, Luna is the only exception to that rule. He’d be a palomino, palomino paint, or a true black. Preferably a purebred Saddlebred, but a half would be just as fine, maybe even a Tennessee walker.

I love tall men, so it’s no surprise that I love tall horses too, anything around 16 hands would be perfect. I want a horse with a lot of “action”meaning he’s exaggerated in his movements; I want that breath taking Rack and the slow pace. But I want a calm personality, I want a horse that’s going to whinny to me every time he sees me, and calm under saddle. He has to have large kind eyes, and soft delicate ears.

I imagine the wonderful outfits I’d need to sew just to show him. I think about the fancy custom saddle I already have picked out in my mind. I hope that one day this dream becomes a reality, because I’m already so in love with side saddle and I haven’t even taken a lesson!

My first year of lessons were in a Saddlebred barn, I loved so very much when the trainer would let me rack them. I remember at one show, I tagged along to, the announcer hollered rack on and the crowd started whopping and making a fuss. It seemed to me that thoose horses fed off of that excitment. I'm hoping to rekindle that excitment with my very own saddlebred.


Below is a video of a saddlebred 5 gaited class, it shows the different gaits that five gaited saddlebreds are expected to do. Their action packed gaits and exaggerated movements are what make me want one so bad!

The New Life: The 3rd Time isn't a Charm

There wasn’t much I could do but sit down and cry. I barley made it to the blue chairs on the lawn before the tears had developed. I tucked my legs onto the seat of the chair and leaned into my knees to cry. My left one radiated with pain. It had finally begun to feel better, until shooting and riding this weekend.

I cried until my eyes hurt.

Eventually the tears stopped, I went inside and called my mother and told her, and then I poured myself a shot of whiskey. I drank it then thought about what Bowman had done when I had told him, what I had seen in his eyes. I picked the bottle of whiskey up off of the counter and walked outside, back to my chair.

I knew what Sonny would have told me, “Eventually you’ll be a mother. Eventually, when the time is right and you are on better ground.” Then she would have hugged me and took a swig of the whiskey.

The New Life: My knack

Friday night I had sat down next to More for a brief conversation. His ex wife had left and his daughter was busy with her circle of friends. Bowman was busy talking to someone else, I figured those five minutes I’d have with More would help reassure him I was still with him.

He didn’t ask me about Bowman, which surprised me. But I did notice how he watched every move Bowman made. He watched me, he made sure that nothing crossed the line. I wasn’t thankful for it, I found the jealousy annoying. After all I hadn’t watched him like a hawk when his ex had been at the range. I chose not to deal with it, until yesterday afternoon, when he brought it to the surface....

The wind whipped around us as we stood at the hitching post, we had just come back from riding on the South meadow. More had been especially quiet; I knew something was bothering him, I knew exactly what it was too. I pulled my saddle off the grey and walked over to the tack room. I settled it onto the saddle rack and attempted to settle my nerves, I could sense a fight in my joints.

More stepped into the doorway, his saddle in hand, I took it from him and sunk it into the saddle rack without meeting his eye contact. He let me step out of the tack room before he sprung it on me, “Who was that Friday night?”

“He’s an old friend of mine. He needed someone to talk to.” I said. I started to walk off towards the horses, attempting to avoid what I knew was coming next.

“He’s your ex boyfriend isn’t he.” He said after me. “The one you’ve been trying to recover from.”

I stopped about three feet from the horses; I looked up to the sky then turned around to face him, “More you don’t need to worry about him. What happened is the past, you and I are working on becoming “us” I wouldn’t ruin that.”

He stopped next to me, “I need to ask, did anything happen? I know you left with him.”

I shook my head, “no More. You know I’m not that kind of girl.”

He nodded, “I know. But I also saw the way he looked at you. It isn’t all gone.”

I sighed and crossed my arms over my chest, “More.”

“No Beck. Don’t try to cover it up, just be honest with me.” He said. I could sense the hurt.

“I can’t speak for him. I think what happened Friday scared him and he needed some support. He knows that I’m always there for him.” I said in almost a whisper.

More sighed, “Is it worth my time to even try and build something with you.”

That hurt me, it cut my heart. “If you don’t want to try then we don’t need to. But I want you to know that it’s a very real possibility I am in love with you.” I was fighting the tears now.

“Then don’t let the past mess up what the future holds.” More said sternly.

I sighed. There was so much I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to tell him he wasn’t God’s gift to women. If he didn’t want to be with me then he didn’t need to keep playing me. That he was picking a fight over something that wasn't even worth fighting over. I wanted to show him my heart and how bad it was hurting from what he was doing. I wanted to slap him and yell at him that I was in love with him. But then I remembered what Sonny had told me in Deadwood. What she had told me the day before in the clearing. I attempted to change the subject, “why didn’t you shoot with me on Friday? You basically ignored me. After all I was the one who sat down next to you and opened a converstaion, wasn't I?”

It caught him off guard, “I, well I just don’t want it obvious to my daughter just yet. She doesn’t need to know what’s going on. Not until we figure out what we are trying to do anyway.”

“I think you are the one who needs to get over your past before we decide what we are doing.” I said as I turned, untied my horses and walked them towards the Treeline gate. He stood there, he didn’t yell after me, he didn’t come to catch me; he just let me walk away. I figured it meant he agreed.

I got to the gate, walked the geldings through it, and slipped off their halters. The grey stood next to me and let me bury my face in his mane. I cried, for how long I’m not sure, but when I got back to the round pen More had left. I flung the halters in the tack room, slammed the door shut and walked back to the house. “I sure have a knack for fucking things up.” I whispered to the wind.

The New Life: Growing Happiness

“A foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; a wise man grows it underneath his feet.”

I laid down in the grass in the clearing. Starring up through the tree branches at the blue sky above I tried to process everything that had happened this weekend. I thought about Friday, and the pit of dread that had hit me. I thought about what I saw in Bowman’s eyes that night. I thought about Saturday and how it had felt like old times, when we could shoot together and enjoy shooting, and enjoy each other’s company. I snapped myself out of it. “Easy girl,” I whispered, “Things aren’t golden just yet.”

My dream in Deadwood haunted me. Sonny had been right about us being civil, did it mean she was right he and I would never be "us" again. I sighed again, but I couldn’t bring myself to hurt over it, not after what had happened, not after what I had seen in his eyes. Especially not after what he’d said to me, I couldn’t allow myself to hurt.

I cocked my head to the side; I could see a pair of does working their way around the meadow. They moved in the same pattern they had the day Bowman and I had sat out and watched them. I thought about how some things never change. I had long come to terms that this place would always remind me of him, of that afternoon, of happier times. Maybe that’s why I am still drawn to it; I am subconsciously trying to draw on the happy memories.

Over the past few weeks I’ve begun to develop a happiness that I haven’t been able to explain. It is a happiness that has bundled confidence along with it. I’ve begun to realize that happiness doesn’t come from being in a relationship. The pure, unbreakable happiness comes from several other things; riding my horses in the afternoon sun, shooting my bow, attempting to not kill myself on my bike while shifting. Every little thing throughout the day brings a chance to nurture the happiness growing beneath my feet.

Being able to talk with Bowman has helped grow that seed of happiness. This weekend my heart fully healed. Of course it has a scar, it always will, but I no longer hold resentment.

I closed my eyes and thought of Sonny. It was the quickest way to draw her to me. The minutes passed by before she finally answered me.

“Ah I’m not so crazy after all!” She said as she came to sit beside me. The wind settled, quieting the trees around us.

“I need to know something Sonny.” I stated.

She smiled at me, and cut me off before I could spit the question out, “what I see isn’t written in stone. Nothing is until it happens. I think you just need to be patient and really figure out what you want.”

I nodded as I listened to her.

“A relationship isn’t going to come straight away. Love develops in the oddest places.” She turned to look out at the meadow, “What you want is at your finger tips, but you should be mindful and not reach for it until it’s offered. Don’t be pushy; no body likes a pushy person.”

“Yes ma’am,” I whispered.

She turned and smiled to me, “I’m so happy for you.”

I cocked my head to the side, “why?”

She continued to smile, “your fairy tale is going to happen. Remember a few months ago when you were in a million pieces?”

I shook my head yes.

“You wouldn’t believe me that you’d heal, that eventually you’d get back to being one piece. Look at you now.” She said.

I smiled, “you are right Sonny.”

“Okay then. Give it some time, that fairy tale ending is coming.” Sonny smiled, “once your soul is ready.”

I laughed, “Okay Sonny."

We sat in silence for a while, I finally looked over to her, “Did you meddle?”

She smiled over at me.

“Sonny,” I groaned.

She shook her head, “I didn’t meddle. What he did was on his own accord.”

A Bowhunter's Legacy: AAC Results

This weekend my club hosted its March 3d shoot. I had originally planned to shoot with the Big D. I knew Ty was going to be shooting with his girls and wife; I knew Big Rick wasn’t going make it, so I had asked D to come shoot with me, just because. Well apparently D forgot, when I called Friday afternoon he admitted to forgetting, he’d signed up for over time at work and couldn’t make it. “Just fucking great!” was all I could say.

Friday I had the feeling something bad was going to happen. I imagined my bow was going to explode in my hands; maybe More’s crazy ex wife would get a hold of me, or something worse. It turned out to be something worse; Bowman had been in an accident.

It’s no secret I still care for him, it’s something that will never go away, I’ll always care. Even though I was slightly distracted I still pulled a 224 out of my ass. How I’m not sure, I wasn’t even focused on shooting. I hardly remember the second half of the shoot, I was to busy worrying.

Things worked out though, and on Saturday morning Bowman was my shooting buddy. It was a small overall group, very relaxed, leaving Bowman and I in a group by ourselves. We shot quickly and efficiently. He shot as well as ever. Me on the other hand, my shots were low or left or right. I can’t explain it; it’s in my arm somewhere.

In the end I shot a 260, the highest score I’ve ever shot in a 3d. I’m please with it, even though it’s a little ways off from 300. Next weekend is the Scottsbluff shoot. D promised me he’d be here for it no matter what. I’d bet you my best horse he forgets again…

The New Life: Collecting myself

I had wanted to call D. To tell him what had happened, but I knew if I did that he’d hang up the phone, never answer it for me again, and make my bike disappear. I knew better then to call D. There was my Momma, I could always call her. But I figured she wouldn’t understand. Maybe she would, but there wasn’t any sense in waking her up over this. There was my former best friend, but she always managed to stab me in the back, I decide against her. I landed on one of the girl’s from the archery club phone number. She’d be okay to talk to, she’d understand everything. I paused as I dialed it, I need to think about what had just happened, to really try and understand it in my head.

This morning when I woke I knew something awful was going to happen, something bad. I got dressed and stumbled out the door for my run. About the time I had gotten to the clearing that horrible feeling was even heavier. I said a prayer as I ran, one I rely on heavily, “Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespassed against us. And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from Evil, for thine is thy kingdom, thy spirit, and thy glory. Amen”

I went about my daily routine, concentrating on other things, wondering what horrible thing was going to happen today. Then I felt it, a pain that doubled me over. I clutched the kitchen counter as the pain subsided. It didn’t faze me, I have pain on a daily basis thanks to my trick knee, but the pain was a pain I would later learned I shared with someone else.

Bowman, he laid his bike down this afternoon. And while it may not have hurt him to bad physically it him hurt him emotionally, maybe more then he sees. His story is his own; I don’t need to share it. But my heart hurts for him tonight. That soft place is radiating with pain, as it did from the moment I first saw him tonight and realized something was horribly wrong.

I hear that drunken words are sober thoughts. If nothing else was answered tonight I can at least say I got that one last hug. It hurt to know it’d probably not work out as I had hoped. He was not running to me because he needed or wanted me specifically. He’d wanted someone to talk to, and in his state anyone would do, he knew I had promised that piece of my heart to him a long time ago. I don’t know what’s going to happen, and I don’t want to build up hope and risk breaking my own heart this time. All I want is to talk to Sonny… and to break 300 tomorrow!

One thing that’s been with me all night is what Bean’s had told me, “Under the Protection of the Archer what you seek will find you.” I can’t surpass it, it’s stuck on repeat.

Oh and that 14 month rule, it’s out the window.

From the Saddle: Riding Sidesaddle

I will remember, forever, the first time I saw someone ride aside, sidesaddle. She was a beautiful blonde, on an even more beautiful saddlebred. I remember instantly wanting to learn how to ride side saddle. At the time I was deep in the jumper circuit. I traveled every weekend to shows; I even had dreams of competing in the Olympics.

I was 15 then, seven years have passed since then, and now I am finding myself wanting to finally learn how to ride aside. My interest in the jumper ring has begun to wane, I find myself bored in the show ring. I don’t get the rush I used to from hurtling over six foot high jumps, the rush may have been replaced by fear. Sure I could go back to riding hunters or even western pleasure, but I know why I choose to leave those show circuits and I have no intention of going back.

So in a couple of weeks, once the craziness around here settles down, I will be taking my first sidesaddle lesson. I’m really excited and I hope that this becomes a life long passion of mine! I can already hear Sweet Cheeks complaining about having to learn a new discipline. He’ll get over it!

Deadwood Haunting- Part 3

I sucked a breath in hard, with it I realized I was sweating. I pulled the covers off and stumbled into the bathroom. The lights flickered on as I found the switch. I stared at myself in the mirror. I had been crying, my eyes were red, the green standing out brightly.

The water was cool as I washed it over my face. It was quiet in the hotel; the town seemed quiet outside my window. I sighed as I lay back in bed. I was tempted to dial More. To tell him I loved him, I had all along. I wanted to tell him about what I had just seen, where I had just been. But I resisted, something kept me from grabbing my phone.

Instead I turned the T.V. on. I sighed as I pulled the covers around me and thumbed through the channels. I found a rerun of my favorite cartoon, eventually I fell to sleep.

D had the spare key to my room, a decision I dreaded when he came pounding on the door at five in the morning. We’d agreed to go workout together in the gym. He swung the door open when I ignored him. The T.V. was still muted; I was snuggled under the covers. “Get up!” He said as he shook my shoulder.

“Oh God don’t do that.” I moaned as the pain raced through my arm.

“How did you hurt that?” He asked as I sat up.

I sighed, “More.”

He nodded, “oh.”

“Yeah. Did you at least bring me coffee?” I asked as I brushed my hair out of my face.

“This town doesn’t have a Starbucks.” He said as he sat in the chair across from the bed.

I glared at him, “I’m sure someone around here makes coffee.”

“Maybe, but I thought we were going to workout before we went to shoot.” He said with a hopeful smile.

I sighed and leaned my head against the headboard, “Promise if I tell you something you won’t think I’m crazy?”

He laughed, “of course.”

My eyes met his, “Sonny came to me last night. She showed me what could happen in my future, if I choose correctly.”

“Oh.” He said in a weak voice.

“I’m scared I won’t choose correctly.” I mumbled.

“Hum.” He said leaning his arms onto his legs. “Life is too short to live in fear. I don’t think she was trying to make you fearful. What did she say?”

“She said that the one who teaches me how to clean my deer next season is the one that loves me.” I said still staring at him.

“What does that mean?” He asked.

I shrugged, “she wouldn’t say, she said he’d be the one who goes to Alaska with me. When I asked why hunting had to do with anything she said love develops in the oddest places.”

His eyes darted to mine, “a couple of weeks ago she said the same thing to me.” He was whispering now, “Love develops in the oddest places.”

"She showed me how it hurt Handsome when I moved on quickly." I whispered.

He looked at me, "kind of like how it hurts now that Bowman has moved on."

I nodded unable to speak, staring straight down at my hands, tears welling behind my eyes.

D stood up and walked over to me, and then he sat down next to me, "everything is going to be okay." He brushed my hair out of my face and dried the tears that had formed, "I promise you." He wrapped me in his arms.

"I love you D." I whispered.

"I love you to Baby Girl. Through everything I will always love you." He whispered into my ear, "Because nobody knows you like I do. Nobodies been through it all with you. You are always going to be my girl no matter what."

I pulled away from him, "thanks for loving me. I know it's hard."

He smiled, "I'm the closest thing to a father you have, and you are the closest thing to a daughter I have, it's not hard."

Deadwood Haunting- Part 2

I was just about asleep, or maybe I was completely asleep, when Sonny appeared at the corner of the bed. She was in her usual slacks and pull over sweater. Her hair was neatly pulled into a bun; her glasses perched on her square nose. “Hey Babes.”

“Hey Sonny.” I whispered.

“How come you are hurting?” She asked. “I thought we had this fixed.”

Tears welled in my eyes, “we did. But for some reason its hurting right now.”

“Hum.” She said then sat down on the bed, “What’s going to fix this?”

I shrugged under the covers, “nothing but time I guess.”

She smiled, “let me show you something.”

“This isn’t going to be like ghosts from Christmas past is it?” I asked, already sensing the answer.

She flashed me her “car sales man” smile, “That’s exactly what this is.”

“Fine.” I groaned sitting up in bed.

“Good.”

We didn’t leave the bed, the walls disappeared around us and suddenly we were on the second date with Handsome, me lying in his arms, whispering I wanted to be his girl. The relationship passed before my eyes. “It hurt him a lot when you left.” Sonny mumbled, “He’d never admit it to you or himself, but it hurt him somewhere inside. What hurt the most was how quickly you moved on.” She proceeded to show me the night out with Bowman and then the rest of that relationship.

I sat numb in bed as we progressed through everything. “I’ll save you the pain of the breakup.” She whispered and with a flick of her wrist we were back in the room at Deadwood. “You’ve always believed in Karma.” She whispered.

“Oh Sonny. Am I doomed?” I mumbled fighting the tears.

Sonny shook her head, “I can show you my prediction of the future, if you want to see it.”

I nodded.

“This isn’t how it’s written yet. But this is how it could be written, depending on you.” The room disappeared again. This time she narrated the story. “You are going to go back to being happy. Back to not feeling the hurt of what happened.” She showed me shooting alongside Bowman, “the pain he caused you will fade away and soon you are going to forget it.” She paused as the image went on. We stood together shooting, talking, and being civil. “You aren’t going to ever love him again.” My heart panged in my chest as he faded.

“But you will love again. Its going to be the strongest love you’ve ever felt.” More appeared in front of me, smiling, my image moved into the picture, he embraced me and kissed me. “Your love is going to be pure, but you’ll doubt if he loves you.” The picture moved to us shooting together, riding the horses, and even dancing somewhere, some place I didn’t recognize. “One of two things will happen.” The picture divided, “More is going to fall in love with you, over the course of time, once everything he’s going through is over you both will be in love with each other. It’ll result in a union that will outlast time.” She motioned towards the other picture, “however if you don’t stop doubting it will divide you. After his divorce he’ll leave you. Even if he does you will find someone else, someone that will spend forever with you.”

I winced as I watched both pictures. “I’d rather the first option.” I whispered as my eyes met hers.

She smiled and flicked her wrist, it all faded. “Then listen to me.” She paused as she took my hand in hers, “You’ve got to stop it, stop the worrying and stressing, stop moping. You’ve got to enjoy the journey. Patience and Karma will pay you in ten folds if you can just relax. Do what you can to build the good karma. Keep the patience and don’t divide from it. Even if More isn’t the man I see in your life, there is going to be another. Next deer season the one who teaches you how to clean is the one who loves you. He is the man you are meant to spend the rest of your life with.”

I blinked, “what does deer hunting have to do with anything.”

She smiled, “he’s going to be in Alaska with you.”

I blinked again, “Sonny what does hunting have to do with love.”

She sat straight up, “Love develops in the oddest places.” She blinked at me.

I lost my voice; I stared at her, her blue eyes beaming with an un-earthly glow.

“Becks, you will find love. It may not be tomorrow, it may not be soon, but it will come. Just be patient.” She was gone with that.

To be Continued . . .

Deadwood Haunting- Part 1

I sunk down into the passenger seat of D’s truck. My arms ached, my head hurt, and my eyes wanted to close. But he kept me awake, “how you feeling?”

I sighed, “I’m hurting bad.”

He nodded, “Maybe you’ll get some sleep tonight and feel better in the morning.”

“Doubt it.” I said brushing my hair off my face.

He shrugged. Eric Church’s Springsteen played over the radio. I sighed and looked out the window, watching the bitter landscape pass by. I began to long for summer and the green grass with blue skies. I looked over to D, “I’m thinking about it.” I mumbled.

He looked over at me, “what?”

“You told me that I could move in with you, I’m thinking about it.” I said with a sigh.

“Oh.” He seemed to be thinking. “Where is this coming from, you were perfectly happy a few days ago.”

I shrugged, “I’m tired of this small town. I can’t seem to find what I’m looking for.”

“What about More?” He asked quietly.

I looked back out the window and leaned my head onto the glass, “if he wants me he’ll come find me when it’s right.”

D sighed, “God girl, you can’t run every time you don’t get what you want.”

I closed my eyes fighting the urge to cry, “rumor has it Bowman has a new girl.”

He sighed, I could feel the truck slow, “Why does that make you sad?”

I looked over at him as we pulled into the gas station, “it doesn’t, I wish them all the luck in the world.”

“But.” He mumbled as he pulled the truck up to the gas pump.

“But nothing.” I sighed, wondering why this had even come up.

He looked over at me as he put the truck in park, “I’m a man but I still understand girl speak. Something else is there.”

I sighed, knowing I wouldn’t get it past him, “But I hate it.”

He laughed, “I thought you’d never go back to him.”

“God damn it D!” I hollered, “it’s not about that, he shouldn’t move on if I haven’t!”

D shook his head, “Oh Baby Girl you have moved on. Think about it, how many dates have you been on since you two broke up.”

I closed my eyes, “less then ten.”

“Let him have it. Remember Karma?” D asked.

I sighed, “Yes.”

He smiled, “good, she’ll take care of you. Now stop fucking worrying about it! Besides if you go back to him I’ll never let you ride your motorcycle again, I’ll stop speaking to you outright. Got it?”

I sighed, “Got it.”

“Good, God damn it.” He said then stepped out of the truck as I leaned my head onto the truck window.

I closed my eyes and recited what Beans had told me, “under the protection of the Archer what you seek will find you.” As I finished the sentence I pictured the kiss with More. I sighed, “Patience.”

That kiss kept me going all weekend. It took the pain from my arms when I shot, It kept the cold wind out of my hair, it held me through the straight whiskies. The feeling lingered on my lips as I fell asleep that night, snuggled into the bed at my favorite hotel in Deadwood. “If I count this weekend as I date it makes it an even 12.” I whispered to myself.

I looked up at the ceiling fan. It was the same room Handsome and I had fallen asleep in. Tears welled as I thought about what I had done to him, how I had broke his heart. I remembered what D had said about Karma, “she’d take care of you.” The split with Bowman was my payback for hurting Handsome.

I rolled over and grabbed my phone from the night stand, I went to dial Sonny, and then remembered her number wouldn’t be in my phone. I sighed and laid the phone back on the stand. I pulled the heavy green blanket up around me and remembered how she’d come to me that weekend I spent there, in that bed.

To be continued...

A Bowhunter's Legacy: Welcome to March

This month I’ve got a crammed shooting schedule. On March 3^rd I travel with the Big D up to Hot Springs SD and shoot their 3d tournament. March 9^th and 10^th I am shooting my home shoot. March 17^th I’m dropping down to Scottsbluff to shoot their turkey shoot. Finally on the 24^th and 25^th I am traveling to Omaha to shoot in a memorial shoot. In the midst of it all I will have to find time to shoot my spring turkey.

It’s going to be one hectic month, I’m still teaching on Tuesday nights and shooting league on Thursdays. My new string isn’t completely broke in, but I’ve shot it everyday since it was changed. Last night I shot with Bowman, actually stood on the line next to him and shot, the urge to beat him with my bow wasn’t there any longer, must mean I’m finally healed. Maybe it’s just because Farmer was standing there with me to. But this blog isn’t about that.

This morning I noticed vibration in my string when I anchored, the perpetrator my peep tubing. R convinced me to get rid of the tubing, so far my peep hasn’t rotated, so I’ll stick with it until I have problems, knock on wood. I’m happy with how my bow is shooting at 20 and 30 yards, I made some adjustments to it this morning and it’s shooting center, hope I can keep it up through tomorrow.

Wish me luck, I’ll be back with results! Happy shooting!

The Irish Blessing

May the road rise to meet you,

The wind always be at your back.

May the sunshine warm upon your face,

The rains fall softly upon your fields.

May green be the grass you walk upon,

Blue be the skies above you.

May pure be the joys that surround you.

May true be the hearts that love you.

Until we meet again,

May God hold you in the palm of his hand.



I'll wait

Finding the right words to express what I want to say to you is impossible. When I catch a glimpse of that smile, when I hear your laugh, when your eyes meet mine, I know what my heart wants. When I smile at you and you smile back I’m reassured that what my heart says is the truth. When I catch you watching me, I know you want the same things as I want. But I also know that right now isn’t our moment in time. You are going through a change in the world, starting over, remembering who you were. So I’ll wait, because I think you may be worth waiting for. I think that maybe, just maybe, holding onto my patience is going to be a good thing.

So take care of what you need to right now. Take your time and fix it all, I’ll wait. If you get to the point where you feel you can't continue remember I'm right here. If the light fades don't be afraid to ask for some help.

You and I, we are a longshot. If it doesn't work out in the end that's okay to. "What will be, will be" and I will say "I'm so glad I got to know you. I wish you love and luck."

Good Luck More, what you are going through doesn't destroy you, in the end you will have made the right decision. Keep on smiling and hold onto your Faith.

Becki Ann

The Corgis Diet

The corgis are now on an All American, all natural, doggie diet. I’ve struggled with Kodiak to keep his weight down; it’s been a losing battle. After a health scare last week I’ve decided it’s time to be an over protective mother. It’s going to be an interesting transition, but I have my vet on board so it shouldn’t be to horrible.

First thing is first finding an all natural dog food. I’m currently cooking for them. Chicken and rice mostly. It’s time consuming and I’d really like to find a good, natural, dog food to feed them. A trip to the pet store is in order, I’m thinking Blue Buffalo, or something along those lines.

Next comes the rewards, treats and rawhides. Treats aren’t a big deal, a couple of years ago I started making my own, all natural, dog treats. I’ve made some improvements to the recipie since then and the dogs really seem to enjoy them. But the rawhides are something I can’t make. The ones I’ve been buying locally aren’t made in America, that’s going to change. After hearing how a few local dogs got sick from these rawhides I’ve decided not to allow them anymore until I can find American made.

The vet had to take x-rays last week, to make sure Kodiak hadn't ingested something he shouldn't have. Not only did these xrays show his digestive system they showed his hips. As suspected he's developing hip dysplasia already. The vet suggested putting him on glucosamine and fish oil. So once his tummy has settled down he will start getting those supplements, along with Adalade just for preventative purposes.

After it’s all said and done I’ll feel so much better about what I feed my dogs, not that they care. My corgis are my kids and I don’t intend to feed them anything I’m not 100% sure about. As for the weight issue, the vet and I both hope that this will help Kodiak shed some pounds!

From the Saddle: Happiness in the Herd

The cold winter drizzle soaked through my coat, into my skin and bones. I shivered a little as I walked towards the round pen. The horses stood in the tree line, attempting to stay dry. I sighed as I walked through the gate and shut it behind me.

Sweet Cheeks whinnied a little recognizing the grain bucket in my hand. “Come on Sweet Cheeks!” I hollered after him.

He trotted across the field as I poured a scoop into the grain pan. Boo boo trotted after him, followed by the White filly. I poured them each a scoop and set the empty bucket into the tack room. I ran my hand across my saddle, smiled and grabbed a halter off the hook.

The White filly stood munching her grain happily in the rain. I smiled at her, the picture reminded me so much of the mare she’s named after. I ran my hand across her back and rump. She stood still chewing. I slipped the halter down around her nose and buckled it. She sighed.

We stood together in the rain as she finished her grain. I ran my hands through her thin mane. Happiness struck me hard as I realized things were beginning to fall into place. She sighed as I braided her mane. “I’ve got to be careful.” I mumbled.

The knowing that this could all be taken away over flooded the happiness. Remembering the heartache I’d been through just a few months ago didn’t bring tears to my eyes. But knowing that I need to keep my heart guarded stung too much. I began to hate the reasons why I have to do that.

The White filly wiped her nose on my jeans. Sweet cheeks stood behind me, patiently waiting his turn. Boo boo stood licking his pan, hoping it’d produce more sweet feed. I sighed as I realized no matter what the happiness of standing in the horse herd couldn’t be broken.

I undid the buckle and let the filly walk off. I scratched the grey’s forehead and rubbed Boo boo’s neck. Happiness flooded me again as I thought about More. I thought about the way he kisses me and silently wished for a million more of those moments. 

A Bowhunter's Legacy: Different Rounds

There are several different rounds that I talk about shooting. Adult league has two different rounds, Five spot and Animals. A perfect score on both rounds is a 500. Each end consists of five arrows and we shoot a total of ten rounds. Spot rounds are shot at 20 yards. Animal rounds are shot and varying yardages, we shoot two ends at 10 yards, 15, yards, 20 yards, 25 yards, and 30 yards. Animals are definitely the most challenging.

3D shoots are a little different and a whole lot more challenging, we shoot 2 arrows per end and 40 ends, making a perfect score a 400. Yardages are "unknown", we are lucky enough to have a large enough range we can shoot up to 50 yards. There are also a few little tricks, a horse, balancing trampolines, side hills, stumps, simulated ground blinds, and tree stands. It's definitely a challenge, and is for sure the most fun!

Keep the Faith

Just remember that God won’t take you through something he can’t protect you through. Keep the Faith and in the end things will be better then you could have ever imagined.

Not only a note for me but a note for all my friends struggling right now, I keep you all in my heart and don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Dear Cupid, I'll give you free lessons!

Dear Cupid,

I feel it’s time for us to converse once again. Archer to archer here, you really need to work on your aim. As an archery instructor I’d like to give you a few pointers, heck I'll even through in a few free lessons!

First off if you drop your arm your arrow is going to hit low. We’ve seen this in the number of assholes you’ve sent my way. Don’t drop your arm any more, pretty please.  If you flinch while releasing, your arrow has a high chance that it’s going to hit high. I’ve yet to see this, I imagine if you were doing this specifically you’d be sending some pretty intellectual guys my way… Again I don’t think this is your problem. Your grip on the bow is very important. If you torque the bow it’ll fling your arrow to the left or to the right, usually causing you to miss, in my case it usually causes my arrow to fling into the wall. If you get really close to your target it doesn’t make much difference, we are talking really, really close, like five yards. I think this is your major problem; you’ve really missed a couple of excellent choices lately. But don't worry, maybe we will get a second shot at them! If they are like mulies they run in a pattern.

So now you are wondering how to fix this problem, right? Well first off I’ll show you your targets, then I’ll get you really close so that the torque isn’t such a problem. When we start to add some yardages I want you to make sure you are using the correct pin on your sight, if you use the wrong pin your arrow could hit high or even low, and well no more low shots please. Don’t drop your arm, otherwise we’ll be in trouble.

Don’t be nervous I’ll be right there with you through it all. We will turn you into a top notch archer! One who can out shoot me! Hopefully it won’t take to long either.

See you soon for your lesson!

Love, Becki

Catching Up! The New Life & A Bowhunter's Legacy

February has been one crazy month, already! My family made a heart wrenching decision ...  it seems like the right answer for now. A couple of my shooting buddies are going through hard times, my prayers are with them, I've been through what they are going through and I don't wish that upon anyone else.

~~~

I lacked a Valentine this year... so I bought myself a gift!

Two years in a row I've lacked a Valentine. Oh well, just means God needs a little more time.

~~~

My home shoot was this weekend. My Friday night score isn't even worth mentioning. It was rough going. My shoulders and chest were aching, probably from the bronc ride I received earlier this week. I started the half with a 121, it went down hill from there. I came in DEAD LAST... sigh.

Saturday I shot with a little more enthusiasm. I shot out of spite, and spiked my scores. My score was 238. I'm still not in the 300 range. Arie is still fighting me, and I'm afraid that once I change her string and cables she'll be even more spiteful, I guess we will see since M.C. Promised me we'd get it done this week.

The Reappearance

 Yesterday as I was driving home from the hospital I noticed my buck is still hanging around......

Please pardon me while I take a short break from blogging. My family is currently struggling through a decision. It'd be best for me to stay focused on them... I'll be back when the sailing gets smooth again...

The New Life: Nightmares

The nightmares are what hurt the worst, and a new one has appeared. One that I wish I knew the meaning to. It starts on the highway into town, around the middle of town, where the asphalt meets the bricks I lay my Soprtster down and slide down the pavement. There is a rush of people. The paramedics fight through the group; they get to me, scope me up and rush me to the hospital. The dream goes black but I can still hear voices, “She’s tore up pretty bad.” It’s Dr.Rolls’ voice. I struggle to open my eyes and there sitting on the edge of the bed is Bowman. He smiles at me as I wake up. I start to cry and feel pain radiating. “It’s going to be okay Honey. The pain stops. You are going to be alright, I promise.” He whispers as he strokes my cheek.

Last night was the first time this dream has appeared. I was still struggling with the one from earlier. They have two shared concepts, the motorcycle and Bowman. They both hurt me, but this newest one I think hurts the most. I’m not going to read anything into the dream… I just hope it’s not forewarning I’m going to wreck my bike…

A Bowhunter's Legacy: Still shooting 300s

The first time I broke 300 I never expected to do it again. I was used to shooting great scores then dropping back to the bottom of the barrel, however it’s remained consistent. I’ve shot four scores in a row all over 300. What’s changed? Good question…

I’m still shooting the Parker side kick extreme, in pink of course. I haven’t adjusted the draw length, it’s still 26 inches. The poundage is still hanging at 55. My arrows are still 28 inches, even though they are now a menagerie of brands. I’m still shooting my wrist release, simply because I was ordered not to switch back to the handheld… and I’m still listening even though he’s gone. My rip cord is still holding up to the abuse. So what’s changed?

My sight, a couple of months ago I bought a TruGlo Micro-Brite sight. It’s a simple 5 pin micro adjust sight; however I had one hell of a problem getting enough up and down in it. In the end it all worked out for the best. Because I couldn’t move the sight up any further and I was still six inches high I adjusted my nocking point, peep sight, and d loop. Guess what it did, sorted out my all over problem.

Of course I shoot best when I stay focused on shooting. I switched back into a WhisperLite peep sight. It has a larger view in it, I’m able to see all of my pins without adjusting my anchor point and the black fingers keep the other archers on the line out of sight. Now if I can get over trying to wrestle the pin to the center I bet you I’d jump my scores once again.

I’m changing the strings out on my bow. I’ve shot with the same string and cables for over a year now; it’s time to change them out. I would really rather wait till off season to do it, but the string has started to fray where the peep sight is. I’m not comfortable shooting it any longer. I ordered a custom made string and cable set, in black and pink of course.

I also ordered a half dozen of the Ted Nugent Gold Tips. Most of my pink v3s are broke, I’m down to three. I love the v3s and in the end I’ll probably end up going back to them. But I figured I’d give Mr. Nugent’s arrows a try, after all I hear he is an Archery God (catch the sarcasm?)

A broken, shattered, heart finally healed and placed with caution in the palms of another, hoping this time, maybe it will be cherished forever.

Dear You. The Second Letter

Dear You,

I’m not sure what my intentions are with this letter. I’m not sure you follow the blog any more, although a small piece of me hopes you do, hopes you still think about me. It’s selfish and I know that, but considering you consume a lot of my thoughts I don’t find it horribly selfish. Anyway where am I going with this…

I wish that we could be friends, respectful, truthful, real friends. Not the kind of “friends” we are now, essentially two ships who pass in the night. We know the other is there but we don’t acknowledge each other. I wish we could talk, talk like we did before we dated when we were just friends, even though it wouldn’t be the same.

Earlier, when you left early, claiming to be tired… It bugged me. The conversation I was having with Abbs you had walked on in the middle of. I should have stopped talking, saved a little respect for you. But a small, awful, part of me wanted you to feel the pain I once felt.

It seems that no matter how strong I try to build myself up to be I can’t hold it. I can’t keep it from crumbling. I preach what will be, will be. Right now this new man, he’s what’s meant to be for this moment, who knows maybe he’s whats meant to be till the end. I will be honest though, the other night I wished it was you I was kissing. I wanted you to be the one I was shooting with. I wanted you to be the one who made me feel the rush. But the rush I felt from him, it was different, how I’m not sure yet.

But it wasn’t you. I’ll always have a soft spot for you, a piece of my heart that you will own forever, a soft place for you to fall. We both may move on to love other people, but you’ll always own that piece of me. You’ll always own the memory of being on the bike with your hand on my knee. You’ll own those late summer nights. Remember the first time you wrapped your arm around me, you’ll always own that to.

I’m dreading swinging my leg over his bike, I know you’ll own that piece of me too. A big part of me is begging to sell my bike and get away from guys who ride, because it’ll be so painful. But I know that for my sake I can’t do that. I however won’t date another man in the club, out of respect for you.

I won’t give up shooting though, I’ve promised myself that. It’s not a piece you will own, it’s a piece I’ll never let a man own. But the clearing and my first year deer hunting, you’ll own that. Remember where we first kissed, remember the song? You’ll own that bar and that song.

The final piece you will own is the end. I’m sorry, but I can’t find any mercy there. What you did, what you called me... You have to own that, and I can’t change it. But I will forgive it, if you ask me to.

I guess my point with this letter is I miss you, I always will. I wish we could be friends, the real kind. If I had it my way we’d be back in each other’s arms. But obviously it’s not meant to be.

Love you babe, forever and always. Don’t worry nothing will change that, cause your still my backwoods boy. Bet you don’t remember that….

Love,

Becki Ann

P.S. My beautiful pink and camo dress came, to bad I won’t ever be able to wear it, wish I hadn’t ordered it back when.

The New Life: What will be, Will be

The belief in happily ever after, love at first sight, or even fairy tales had started to fade. If you’ve read the back posts you can assume that for yourself. The love and passion I had felt for Bowman had been sucked out of me. I lingered in the happy moments as much as possible not wanting to face the reality that it was really over and was time to move on. I worried when he came to the range, worried I wouldn’t be able to keep the emotions in. Worried the he was the only chance for happiness, the only opportunity to love someone. Prospective boyfriends faded quickly, unwilling to show me they had courage, unable to bring back that rush, until last night.

Things may have changed last night. It’s hard to tell at this point, but I guess we will see what is written in the stars. We shall see if he is the one who brings back the hope for Happily Ever After. It isn’t love at first sight, its attraction, but it could be love eventually. Who knows maybe this is a fairy tale after all and I’ve finally made it out of the dark.

“In time all things will be known”

A Bowhunter's Legacy: Breaking 300

A perfect score on a spot league night is 500. My average for a spot round sits at about 222. Tonight I shot a ... wait for it ... 353! I Finally broke 300!!!

And to top it off this is my 300th post!

Heres to breaking 300! That's three shots of Jameson for me.

Saying Goodbye

Yesterday afternoon we made the decision to put to sleep our 13 year old red lab. He had a form of cancer that quickly spread, after two weeks of trying to keep weight on him we decided it wasn't fair any longer. Tobasco was a part of the family, we all already miss him.

Welcome. I hope you'll Hang on for the Ride

I’ve noticed in the sidebar I’ve got some new “stalkers” welcome everyone; I hope you enjoy this crazy ass ride with me. It dawned on me that most of you probably don’t know who the main characters are in my Life, my story. So I thought I’d give you an outline of who everyone is.

First there is me, I’m Becks. I’m the author of this blog, the one living this story. I’ve been through a lot in my short 22 years. I grew up with a single mother with little to no contact with my father. I’ve been married, and divorced. My two passions in life are shooting and riding horses. The ultimate goal is the Olympics, either in archery or with my horses.

Then there is my Momma. She isn’t in the blog much. I try to keep it that way. Our relationship is the most important to me and I keep our struggles to myself. She is my number one fan, and if it wasn’t for her pushing me to be the best, I’d probably not be where I am today.

The Big D is my stand in father. I've known him since I started shooting; he was my first instructor and the one who encouraged me to follow all of my dreams. D has helped me achieve most of my goals. He helped me purchase Arie, the pink Parker. He's put me through lessons with pros, and decked my bow out in some of the nicest gear on the market. He helped me purchase my Sportster and even bought me lessons to learn how to ride it. We reconnected after my divorce. He's been with me through every step of the way. He's held the umbrella in the lightning storms and flown the kite on windy days. D is a remarkable man and I will always love him like my father.

I often remark that Sonny was my second mom. She was always good for a lesson or a scolding, a lot of times both. She once told me she loved me like the daughter she never had. In 2010 she passed away from cancer. I miss her dearly and often dream and or believe she is really with me. I draw strength from her memory and would like to think it really is her I talk with when I call for her.

There are several characters that come and go in this blog. Several are ladies I rode with at the academy; some are former trainers of mine. Pecos Bill is a close family friend whom often takes me riding or hunting, he’s another stand in father. D.W. is a family friend who died when I was 16, he’s the one who instilled the love of horses in me. Beans is a woman that I am in the art society with, she claims to hold the power to read the stars and see the future, she says there is a Mr. Right out there, and that if I believe in the power of constellation The Archer what I seek will find me. Then there are the Ex Boyfriends, Handsome and Bowman, they linger in the past blogs. There are new and old friends alike, Waterfowler, Big Rick, Ty, Farmer, Stephens, M.C.

I can’t predict the future characters. But I do promise I am looking forward to sharing my story with them and then with you. I invite you to stay for this crazy ride. Who knows where it’ll end. After all I am still looking for that Happily Ever After, if it really does exist.

The New Life: This Time for Good

“You coming up for the Big Buck?” D asked.

I hesitated, “I don’t know yet.”

“Well I hope you’ll come.” He said quietly.

“Can I stay?” I asked fighting back the tears.

“Of course.” He replied.

“No I mean for good.” I said as the first tear rolled down my cheek.

“What happened?” He asked.

“I’m tired and I need out.”

He paused, “Oh babes.”

“I don’t want to talk about it. I just want out.” I whispered.

“Okay. You come and we will figure something out.” He replied.

“Thanks for being the best.” I mumbled.

We talked about my scores and talked about me shooting in the Classic. I was hesitant. The competition is so much stiffer. The ladies there have been shooting a lot longer; they’ve got most of it figured out. “But if you don’t try you’ll never know.” D had protested. So I guess it’s in my future to shoot one of these competitions, and maybe stay in Omaha for good.

As for what is making me run, well it’s the same things. It’s Bowman, the best friend, and the want of a happily ever after. I knew coming home was a mistake, but I let this town suck me back in. Because no matter how much I complain, no matter how mad it makes me, it is my hometown, and I won’t be able to escape it for long.

A Bowhunter's Legacy: Easy on the Arrows

I sunk down into the tall grass once again. It was cold and the weather was threatening moisture, which we desperately need, it didn’t bother me. I closed my eyes and relaxed. I thought about sitting across the counter from Sonny. I could see her smile and her beautiful blue eyes.

“I’m so very proud of you.” She said with a smile.

“He wasn’t there it doesn’t count.” I mumbled.

“Oh but it does, you focused on shooting, you worked the yardages but most of all you smiled the whole time and didn’t once get frustrated.” She said then took a drag of her cigarette.

“I had a blast. For the first time I actually enjoyed shooting the whole time.” I answered.

She smiled, “then that is all that matters.”

Friday night I shot a 220 and came in fourth place. For those of you who haven’t followed my struggles with my bow that doesn’t seem like much of an accomplishment. But believe me it is. A few short weeks ago I had given up all hope of ever figuring out how to control my shooting. I had been tempted to leave my bow in its case and walk away. A break up tore me apart, and his presence at the range made it all worse. This 220 is a result of me pulling my head out of my ass and reminding myself who I was before all of this. It took a little bit of faith to know that I was a talent shooter who could do what ever she wanted, if she could put her mind to it.

I enjoyed shooting with my buddies. I hadn’t seen most of them since the end of last years 3D season. It was remarked that I was a whole new shooter; I was more confident, but still as charming and beautiful.

Saturday morning the overall group of shooters was a little smaller. I shot 224 and third place in the women’s division. I did however break two arrows that day, results of two wall shots. In the whole weekend I had six wall shots. Out of 80 shots, I consider six to be improvement, since last year about half were wall shots. Saturday I shot exclusively with Big Rick and Ty. I can’t catch a break with either one of them, not only do they push me to become a better archer they push me to be a better person. They are genuine friends and I can’t wait till next month’s shoot!

I opened my eyes as I began to get cold, I looked up into the hazy sky. I found the archer constellation and thought about what Beans had told me. “What you seek will find you.” I realized that all I had ever looked for was happiness. I thought that required a man, time exclusively with someone. “Man I was wrong.” I whispered.

1000 faces

1000 Faces- Randy Montana

There’s brunettes, blonde girls, blue jeans, string of pearls
Take you on a trip around the world girls,
Love has a thousand faces, love has a thousand faces

There’s debutantes, drama queens, glued-to bride magazine
Half caff, two pump, no whip in the coffee bean
Love has a thousand faces, love has a thousand faces

But I see you, before I ever knew you, before I ever knew you
I dreamed of you, I dreamed of you…

There’s small town, itty-bitty tomboy in the big city
Turn your head when the light ain’t red, stop traffic kind of pretty
Love has a thousand faces, love has a thousand faces

But I see you, before I ever knew you, before I ever knew you
I dreamed of you, I dreamed of you, yeah…


You’re a stormy night, thunder crashing, mystery, full of passion
Quiet as a Sunday morning, change without any warning
Love has a thousand faces, love has a thousand faces

But I see you, and I see you
I see you

(There’s brunettes, blonde girls, blue jeans, string of pearls
Take you on a trip around the world girls)

Baby I see you

(debutantes, drama queens, glued-to bride magazine
Half caff, two pump, no whip in the coffee bean)

Yeah, I see you

(Small town, itty-bitty tomboy in the big city
Turn your head when the light ain’t red, stop traffic kind of pretty)

Before I ever knew you

(Stormy night, thunder crashing, mystery, full of passion)

Before I ever knew you

(Quiet as a Sunday morning, change without any warning)

Before I ever knew you

(Brunettes, blonde girls, blue jeans, string of pearls)

Before I ever knew you

(Take you on a trip around the world girls,
Debutantes, drama queens, glued-to bride magazine
Half caff, two pump, no whip in the coffee bean)

Oh, and I see you

(small town, itty-bitty tomboy in the big city
Turn your head when the light is red, stop traffic kind of pretty)

A Bowhunter's Legacy: Back to the Good

Tonight I focused. Tonight I drew myself back to the good shooting. 20 and 30 yards are dead on. My farthest shot tomorrow is 48 yards, I have my 40 yard pin set and my 50 eye balled, here is to hoping that I've finally go it figured out!
I even had a brief conversation with Bowman and conducted myself with Grace and didn't become distracted. I know somewhere Sonny is smiling... Wish me luck tomorrow I may need it!!!

A Bowhunter's Legacy: 2012 season opens!

Tomorrow is the first shoot of the season! We all know I've been struggling with shooting. I thought I had it all figured out in Omaha, then I came home and lost almost all my sense. I've set a goal for myself to break 300 and to stay focused on my shooting.
Big Rick and Ty are my two shooting partners for this tournament. They are positive shooters and help me adjust my yardage and shooting style. In the end all I really want out of this shoot is proof that I can keep my level head in competition.

From the Saddle: Rescuing Each Other

“I’m tired of talking about the past.” I said as I swung the saddle over the grey.

AJ looked over at me, “Wow what’s wrong?”

I sighed as I reached down for the girth, “I don’t want to talk about the breakup anymore. I’ve moved on and I’m sure he has. I just want to leave the past in the past. I owe it to myself.”

She nodded as she pet the already saddled sorrel.

“I’m sorry I don’t mean to be short about it.” I said as I tightened the girth. “But you understand don’t you?” I asked as I looked over my horse.

“Yes. I understand.” She half heartedly smiled.

“Are you sure you are ready to ride?” I asked, dancing around the subject that I thought it was too soon.

She nodded, “Geo’s gone, I can’t bring him back. But I don’t want riding to be spoiled just because I lost a horse.”

I sighed, “A, it’s okay for you to mourn. He was a good horse, you raised him. You don’t have to get back into the saddle just yet.”

She smiled, “If I don’t do it now, I won’t want to ever do it again.”

I nodded, knowing she had a point. “Okay, well I’m going to pony you on him because I don’t know what he’ll be like.” I said as I bridled my horse.

“We’ll be fine.”

“No he needs to be ponied.” I said as I mounted up.

“Beck.” She said sternly glaring at me.

“Fine.” I sighed. “But keep the lead rope on incase I have to rescue you.” I growled.

She reached her hand down his neck, “What were you worried about?” She asked as she stroked him.

I rolled my eyes, “please don’t say that we aren’t home yet.”

She smiled, “Beck, thank you.”

I smiled back at her, “you are welcome.”

She straightened in the saddle, “I always had a crush on this horse.”

I looked over at her, “what?”

“I had a crush on this horse from the day you two arrived at the show barn. I watched you lead him off the trailer and I was smitten. I used to sneak him treats and dawdle in his stall when you weren’t around.”

I laughed, “That’s why he always checked my pockets for treats, it was you!”

She smiled, “It was. I think Geo was jealous of him.” She sobered at the sound of her horse’s name.

“I’m sorry for your loss.” I whispered.

She snapped out of her day dream, “God was just ready for a great horse like Geo.” She said with a smile.

We rode in silence for awhile. The light powdered snow crunched quietly under the horses’ hooves. I sighed as I tried to stop thinking about the previous night, “I wish I didn’t have to see him around town.” I whispered. “I wish he didn’t shoot at the same range as me.”

AJ sighed, “No one said it would be easy. Besides you are going to be out of here by the end of the winter and on to better things.”

I smiled, “you think?”

“I plan to kidnap you after the International.” She said with a smile.

“I was actually thinking about moving to North Platte. The Game and Parks has a job I’ve applied for.” I said as the grey flipped his nose in the air.

“Ah, just make sure you aren’t moving for a man.” She said with a cocky smile.

I sighed, “I’m moving for myself.”

She smiled. “I suppose I’ll believe that for now.”

The New Life: Looming in the Moonlight

I settled into the tall grass down in the clearing. I hadn’t been there for weeks; I had all but forgotten this place. It hadn’t called me, it hadn’t drawn me, but after two weeks in Omaha I figured it wouldn’t. That was until the run in at the range. I pulled into the parking lot, made my way up to the range and saw the bow case before I saw him. I recognized it instantly and caught my breath in my chest. “Are you ready for this?” I had mumbled to myself. I hesitated wondering if I was.

The full moon was hidden behind the building clouds. I could feel something lurking in the trees; I hoped it wasn’t a mountain lion. “Why is this bothering me?” I asked out loud.

I heard her voice before I saw her moving through the faded moon light, “Because you gave him the power to do it.”

“Is this a haunting?” I asked to scared to move.

She sighed, “Stop being silly, you asked me to come.”

I nodded, “I guess I did.”

“Why did you give him the power to play with your heart?” She asked.

I shook my head, “I don’t know Sonny. In all honesty I was fine until he flipped an attitude.”

“Well he’s just showing you who he really is.” She said.

“In his defense I did use the attitude first.” I mumbled.

“Don’t fucking defend him!” She yelled.

I closed my eyes. “Sonny I’m over him. Honestly I am, my heart doesn’t hurt anymore and I am moving on.”

“Don’t worry about Bowman. Keep yourself collected while shooting. I watched you; can you explain any of those groups to me?” She asked, her voice rambling in my head.

“I was distracted. I don’t have an excuse.” I whispered out loud.

“You can’t do that at the shoot. You can’t be like that if you want to go pro.” She said quietly.

“I know. Big Rick and Ty will be there, I’m hoping they’ll keep me on track. Can you help me?” I asked.

I could almost hear her smile, “I’ll help you as much as I can. My first advice, don’t fucking worry about his shit.”

I laughed.

“So tell me about Waterfowler.” She said changing subjects.

I sunk into the seat of my car staring out onto the open meadow. I sighed thinking about her advice. I remembered the promise I had made myself at D’s dinner table, “I’ll be on top no matter what.” I thought about how I shot and the horrible feeling of being distracted. “It’s going to get better; he didn’t break my heart tonight, that’s a start.” I mumbled to myself. I grabbed my phone as I started my car.

Big D: “Hey baby Girl everything okay?”

I smiled. “If it’s not now it will be.”

The New Life: Echo

“Believe me the irony isn’t lost on me.” I said as I took a drink of my whiskey.

The fire pit glowed in front of us. Pecos Bill chuckled, “I’m just saying you broke your ex’s heart. It doesn’t surprise me Bowman did the same thing to you. After all we both believe in Karma.”

I smiled, “that we do.” I took another sip. It was straight whiskey, on the rocks. My day had been long and when Pecos had stopped by to chat I had invited him to stay for dinner.

Pecos has always been like my father. He helped me through some really hard times; times I doubt I would have made it through as clear if he hadn’t been there. He’d always picked me up when I was down and thrown me back into the saddle, sometimes literally. His ties to my family had only been strengthened after my divorce. He had once said, “don’t worry, I’ll always love you like my daughter.”

“I don’t blame Karma. I’ve done some shitty things in the past, I deserved everything I got.” I said as I stared into the flames.

“Well things are going to change right?” He asked.

I nodded, “I’m looking for good karma.” I whispered.

“That’s good to hear.”

We sat quietly for a while listening to the fire pit and the coyotes in the distance. I looked over to Pecos, “Thanks for everything.” I whispered.

He smiled and laid his hand on my arm, “you are very welcome girl. I hope this year brings you everything you want.”

I smiled, "this is a good start."

Memorable 2011

As I ring in the new year I am also thinking about last year. While there isn't a defined change from yesterday to today, 2012 does mean something to me. It means that I get another opportunity to make my life what I want it to be. I started this process in 2011, I intend to keep the changes and make some more in 2012. Instead of New Year Resolutions I decided to let things happen the way Fate wants them to be. Tonight I thought I'd share my best 2011 moments.

Best Moments of 2011

Harley Sportster
     I first fell in love with my Harley in Septemeber. The second I laid eyes on it I knew that somewhere in the future it would be mine. If it weren't for a broken heart and a good friend I'd still be dreaming about her. My sportster has become a new passion, when given the opportunity I stand in the garage and play with her. My first ride on her went well and now I'm hooked, there is no going back.

First Motorcycle Ride
     There is so much about Bowman and his Road King I will never forget, but that first ride is a moment in time that will forever stick with me. I was hesitant about riding. I have friends who ride; D, Stephens, MC, Farmer, they all told me I needed to ride. But I drug my feet and made excuses. Until one day Bowman showed up with a helmet and left the option out of it. It was a day that changed my life forever. If it hadn't been for that first ride, the love Bowman instilled in me, there would have been no reason to buy the new love of my life. It's one afternoon I will never forget.

Breaking BlueRocks with Handsome
    Though the relationship was short it's still a couple of months that I wish I could relive. Breaking bluerocks in the late spring afternoons is a moment I often return to when I am stressed. I think about how he helped me learn to follow the clays. I remember the Mike's Hards and the sound of his 20 gauge. But mostly I remember him healing my heart, teaching me it was okay to love again.

Deadwood with Handsome
    I never got a honeymoon in my marriage. While Handsome wasn't my husband it still felt like the honeymoon I never got. Wine tasting in the hills, playing the slots in the evening, dinner out, the late night concert, and laying my head on his chest when my ear infection got to me. Little did I know that in a couple of months things would change, but that moment in time was one of the happiest in my life so far.

Summer Nights
    I've always loved summer, that's no secret. There is something about watching the stars late at night that makes me feel whole again. I remember wishing for my lady bug. I remember Heritage Days. I remember the night I stayed up with Bowman. I remember the first kiss on that summer evening. I remember standing at the range talking till midnight. Those summer nights were full of blossoming love, they were full of change.

Divorce Finalized
     You'd think this was a sad moment. But for me my divorce signified the change, it began my new life. It put me on this road to Happily Ever After. This time I am a little bit more prepared. I didn't see it as an end, I saw it as a beginning.