Deadwood Haunting- Part 2

I was just about asleep, or maybe I was completely asleep, when Sonny appeared at the corner of the bed. She was in her usual slacks and pull over sweater. Her hair was neatly pulled into a bun; her glasses perched on her square nose. “Hey Babes.”

“Hey Sonny.” I whispered.

“How come you are hurting?” She asked. “I thought we had this fixed.”

Tears welled in my eyes, “we did. But for some reason its hurting right now.”

“Hum.” She said then sat down on the bed, “What’s going to fix this?”

I shrugged under the covers, “nothing but time I guess.”

She smiled, “let me show you something.”

“This isn’t going to be like ghosts from Christmas past is it?” I asked, already sensing the answer.

She flashed me her “car sales man” smile, “That’s exactly what this is.”

“Fine.” I groaned sitting up in bed.

“Good.”

We didn’t leave the bed, the walls disappeared around us and suddenly we were on the second date with Handsome, me lying in his arms, whispering I wanted to be his girl. The relationship passed before my eyes. “It hurt him a lot when you left.” Sonny mumbled, “He’d never admit it to you or himself, but it hurt him somewhere inside. What hurt the most was how quickly you moved on.” She proceeded to show me the night out with Bowman and then the rest of that relationship.

I sat numb in bed as we progressed through everything. “I’ll save you the pain of the breakup.” She whispered and with a flick of her wrist we were back in the room at Deadwood. “You’ve always believed in Karma.” She whispered.

“Oh Sonny. Am I doomed?” I mumbled fighting the tears.

Sonny shook her head, “I can show you my prediction of the future, if you want to see it.”

I nodded.

“This isn’t how it’s written yet. But this is how it could be written, depending on you.” The room disappeared again. This time she narrated the story. “You are going to go back to being happy. Back to not feeling the hurt of what happened.” She showed me shooting alongside Bowman, “the pain he caused you will fade away and soon you are going to forget it.” She paused as the image went on. We stood together shooting, talking, and being civil. “You aren’t going to ever love him again.” My heart panged in my chest as he faded.

“But you will love again. Its going to be the strongest love you’ve ever felt.” More appeared in front of me, smiling, my image moved into the picture, he embraced me and kissed me. “Your love is going to be pure, but you’ll doubt if he loves you.” The picture moved to us shooting together, riding the horses, and even dancing somewhere, some place I didn’t recognize. “One of two things will happen.” The picture divided, “More is going to fall in love with you, over the course of time, once everything he’s going through is over you both will be in love with each other. It’ll result in a union that will outlast time.” She motioned towards the other picture, “however if you don’t stop doubting it will divide you. After his divorce he’ll leave you. Even if he does you will find someone else, someone that will spend forever with you.”

I winced as I watched both pictures. “I’d rather the first option.” I whispered as my eyes met hers.

She smiled and flicked her wrist, it all faded. “Then listen to me.” She paused as she took my hand in hers, “You’ve got to stop it, stop the worrying and stressing, stop moping. You’ve got to enjoy the journey. Patience and Karma will pay you in ten folds if you can just relax. Do what you can to build the good karma. Keep the patience and don’t divide from it. Even if More isn’t the man I see in your life, there is going to be another. Next deer season the one who teaches you how to clean is the one who loves you. He is the man you are meant to spend the rest of your life with.”

I blinked, “what does deer hunting have to do with anything.”

She smiled, “he’s going to be in Alaska with you.”

I blinked again, “Sonny what does hunting have to do with love.”

She sat straight up, “Love develops in the oddest places.” She blinked at me.

I lost my voice; I stared at her, her blue eyes beaming with an un-earthly glow.

“Becks, you will find love. It may not be tomorrow, it may not be soon, but it will come. Just be patient.” She was gone with that.

To be Continued . . .

Deadwood Haunting- Part 1

I sunk down into the passenger seat of D’s truck. My arms ached, my head hurt, and my eyes wanted to close. But he kept me awake, “how you feeling?”

I sighed, “I’m hurting bad.”

He nodded, “Maybe you’ll get some sleep tonight and feel better in the morning.”

“Doubt it.” I said brushing my hair off my face.

He shrugged. Eric Church’s Springsteen played over the radio. I sighed and looked out the window, watching the bitter landscape pass by. I began to long for summer and the green grass with blue skies. I looked over to D, “I’m thinking about it.” I mumbled.

He looked over at me, “what?”

“You told me that I could move in with you, I’m thinking about it.” I said with a sigh.

“Oh.” He seemed to be thinking. “Where is this coming from, you were perfectly happy a few days ago.”

I shrugged, “I’m tired of this small town. I can’t seem to find what I’m looking for.”

“What about More?” He asked quietly.

I looked back out the window and leaned my head onto the glass, “if he wants me he’ll come find me when it’s right.”

D sighed, “God girl, you can’t run every time you don’t get what you want.”

I closed my eyes fighting the urge to cry, “rumor has it Bowman has a new girl.”

He sighed, I could feel the truck slow, “Why does that make you sad?”

I looked over at him as we pulled into the gas station, “it doesn’t, I wish them all the luck in the world.”

“But.” He mumbled as he pulled the truck up to the gas pump.

“But nothing.” I sighed, wondering why this had even come up.

He looked over at me as he put the truck in park, “I’m a man but I still understand girl speak. Something else is there.”

I sighed, knowing I wouldn’t get it past him, “But I hate it.”

He laughed, “I thought you’d never go back to him.”

“God damn it D!” I hollered, “it’s not about that, he shouldn’t move on if I haven’t!”

D shook his head, “Oh Baby Girl you have moved on. Think about it, how many dates have you been on since you two broke up.”

I closed my eyes, “less then ten.”

“Let him have it. Remember Karma?” D asked.

I sighed, “Yes.”

He smiled, “good, she’ll take care of you. Now stop fucking worrying about it! Besides if you go back to him I’ll never let you ride your motorcycle again, I’ll stop speaking to you outright. Got it?”

I sighed, “Got it.”

“Good, God damn it.” He said then stepped out of the truck as I leaned my head onto the truck window.

I closed my eyes and recited what Beans had told me, “under the protection of the Archer what you seek will find you.” As I finished the sentence I pictured the kiss with More. I sighed, “Patience.”

That kiss kept me going all weekend. It took the pain from my arms when I shot, It kept the cold wind out of my hair, it held me through the straight whiskies. The feeling lingered on my lips as I fell asleep that night, snuggled into the bed at my favorite hotel in Deadwood. “If I count this weekend as I date it makes it an even 12.” I whispered to myself.

I looked up at the ceiling fan. It was the same room Handsome and I had fallen asleep in. Tears welled as I thought about what I had done to him, how I had broke his heart. I remembered what D had said about Karma, “she’d take care of you.” The split with Bowman was my payback for hurting Handsome.

I rolled over and grabbed my phone from the night stand, I went to dial Sonny, and then remembered her number wouldn’t be in my phone. I sighed and laid the phone back on the stand. I pulled the heavy green blanket up around me and remembered how she’d come to me that weekend I spent there, in that bed.

To be continued...

A Bowhunter's Legacy: Welcome to March

This month I’ve got a crammed shooting schedule. On March 3^rd I travel with the Big D up to Hot Springs SD and shoot their 3d tournament. March 9^th and 10^th I am shooting my home shoot. March 17^th I’m dropping down to Scottsbluff to shoot their turkey shoot. Finally on the 24^th and 25^th I am traveling to Omaha to shoot in a memorial shoot. In the midst of it all I will have to find time to shoot my spring turkey.

It’s going to be one hectic month, I’m still teaching on Tuesday nights and shooting league on Thursdays. My new string isn’t completely broke in, but I’ve shot it everyday since it was changed. Last night I shot with Bowman, actually stood on the line next to him and shot, the urge to beat him with my bow wasn’t there any longer, must mean I’m finally healed. Maybe it’s just because Farmer was standing there with me to. But this blog isn’t about that.

This morning I noticed vibration in my string when I anchored, the perpetrator my peep tubing. R convinced me to get rid of the tubing, so far my peep hasn’t rotated, so I’ll stick with it until I have problems, knock on wood. I’m happy with how my bow is shooting at 20 and 30 yards, I made some adjustments to it this morning and it’s shooting center, hope I can keep it up through tomorrow.

Wish me luck, I’ll be back with results! Happy shooting!

The Irish Blessing

May the road rise to meet you,

The wind always be at your back.

May the sunshine warm upon your face,

The rains fall softly upon your fields.

May green be the grass you walk upon,

Blue be the skies above you.

May pure be the joys that surround you.

May true be the hearts that love you.

Until we meet again,

May God hold you in the palm of his hand.



I'll wait

Finding the right words to express what I want to say to you is impossible. When I catch a glimpse of that smile, when I hear your laugh, when your eyes meet mine, I know what my heart wants. When I smile at you and you smile back I’m reassured that what my heart says is the truth. When I catch you watching me, I know you want the same things as I want. But I also know that right now isn’t our moment in time. You are going through a change in the world, starting over, remembering who you were. So I’ll wait, because I think you may be worth waiting for. I think that maybe, just maybe, holding onto my patience is going to be a good thing.

So take care of what you need to right now. Take your time and fix it all, I’ll wait. If you get to the point where you feel you can't continue remember I'm right here. If the light fades don't be afraid to ask for some help.

You and I, we are a longshot. If it doesn't work out in the end that's okay to. "What will be, will be" and I will say "I'm so glad I got to know you. I wish you love and luck."

Good Luck More, what you are going through doesn't destroy you, in the end you will have made the right decision. Keep on smiling and hold onto your Faith.

Becki Ann

The Corgis Diet

The corgis are now on an All American, all natural, doggie diet. I’ve struggled with Kodiak to keep his weight down; it’s been a losing battle. After a health scare last week I’ve decided it’s time to be an over protective mother. It’s going to be an interesting transition, but I have my vet on board so it shouldn’t be to horrible.

First thing is first finding an all natural dog food. I’m currently cooking for them. Chicken and rice mostly. It’s time consuming and I’d really like to find a good, natural, dog food to feed them. A trip to the pet store is in order, I’m thinking Blue Buffalo, or something along those lines.

Next comes the rewards, treats and rawhides. Treats aren’t a big deal, a couple of years ago I started making my own, all natural, dog treats. I’ve made some improvements to the recipie since then and the dogs really seem to enjoy them. But the rawhides are something I can’t make. The ones I’ve been buying locally aren’t made in America, that’s going to change. After hearing how a few local dogs got sick from these rawhides I’ve decided not to allow them anymore until I can find American made.

The vet had to take x-rays last week, to make sure Kodiak hadn't ingested something he shouldn't have. Not only did these xrays show his digestive system they showed his hips. As suspected he's developing hip dysplasia already. The vet suggested putting him on glucosamine and fish oil. So once his tummy has settled down he will start getting those supplements, along with Adalade just for preventative purposes.

After it’s all said and done I’ll feel so much better about what I feed my dogs, not that they care. My corgis are my kids and I don’t intend to feed them anything I’m not 100% sure about. As for the weight issue, the vet and I both hope that this will help Kodiak shed some pounds!

From the Saddle: Happiness in the Herd

The cold winter drizzle soaked through my coat, into my skin and bones. I shivered a little as I walked towards the round pen. The horses stood in the tree line, attempting to stay dry. I sighed as I walked through the gate and shut it behind me.

Sweet Cheeks whinnied a little recognizing the grain bucket in my hand. “Come on Sweet Cheeks!” I hollered after him.

He trotted across the field as I poured a scoop into the grain pan. Boo boo trotted after him, followed by the White filly. I poured them each a scoop and set the empty bucket into the tack room. I ran my hand across my saddle, smiled and grabbed a halter off the hook.

The White filly stood munching her grain happily in the rain. I smiled at her, the picture reminded me so much of the mare she’s named after. I ran my hand across her back and rump. She stood still chewing. I slipped the halter down around her nose and buckled it. She sighed.

We stood together in the rain as she finished her grain. I ran my hands through her thin mane. Happiness struck me hard as I realized things were beginning to fall into place. She sighed as I braided her mane. “I’ve got to be careful.” I mumbled.

The knowing that this could all be taken away over flooded the happiness. Remembering the heartache I’d been through just a few months ago didn’t bring tears to my eyes. But knowing that I need to keep my heart guarded stung too much. I began to hate the reasons why I have to do that.

The White filly wiped her nose on my jeans. Sweet cheeks stood behind me, patiently waiting his turn. Boo boo stood licking his pan, hoping it’d produce more sweet feed. I sighed as I realized no matter what the happiness of standing in the horse herd couldn’t be broken.

I undid the buckle and let the filly walk off. I scratched the grey’s forehead and rubbed Boo boo’s neck. Happiness flooded me again as I thought about More. I thought about the way he kisses me and silently wished for a million more of those moments. 

A Bowhunter's Legacy: Different Rounds

There are several different rounds that I talk about shooting. Adult league has two different rounds, Five spot and Animals. A perfect score on both rounds is a 500. Each end consists of five arrows and we shoot a total of ten rounds. Spot rounds are shot at 20 yards. Animal rounds are shot and varying yardages, we shoot two ends at 10 yards, 15, yards, 20 yards, 25 yards, and 30 yards. Animals are definitely the most challenging.

3D shoots are a little different and a whole lot more challenging, we shoot 2 arrows per end and 40 ends, making a perfect score a 400. Yardages are "unknown", we are lucky enough to have a large enough range we can shoot up to 50 yards. There are also a few little tricks, a horse, balancing trampolines, side hills, stumps, simulated ground blinds, and tree stands. It's definitely a challenge, and is for sure the most fun!

Keep the Faith

Just remember that God won’t take you through something he can’t protect you through. Keep the Faith and in the end things will be better then you could have ever imagined.

Not only a note for me but a note for all my friends struggling right now, I keep you all in my heart and don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Dear Cupid, I'll give you free lessons!

Dear Cupid,

I feel it’s time for us to converse once again. Archer to archer here, you really need to work on your aim. As an archery instructor I’d like to give you a few pointers, heck I'll even through in a few free lessons!

First off if you drop your arm your arrow is going to hit low. We’ve seen this in the number of assholes you’ve sent my way. Don’t drop your arm any more, pretty please.  If you flinch while releasing, your arrow has a high chance that it’s going to hit high. I’ve yet to see this, I imagine if you were doing this specifically you’d be sending some pretty intellectual guys my way… Again I don’t think this is your problem. Your grip on the bow is very important. If you torque the bow it’ll fling your arrow to the left or to the right, usually causing you to miss, in my case it usually causes my arrow to fling into the wall. If you get really close to your target it doesn’t make much difference, we are talking really, really close, like five yards. I think this is your major problem; you’ve really missed a couple of excellent choices lately. But don't worry, maybe we will get a second shot at them! If they are like mulies they run in a pattern.

So now you are wondering how to fix this problem, right? Well first off I’ll show you your targets, then I’ll get you really close so that the torque isn’t such a problem. When we start to add some yardages I want you to make sure you are using the correct pin on your sight, if you use the wrong pin your arrow could hit high or even low, and well no more low shots please. Don’t drop your arm, otherwise we’ll be in trouble.

Don’t be nervous I’ll be right there with you through it all. We will turn you into a top notch archer! One who can out shoot me! Hopefully it won’t take to long either.

See you soon for your lesson!

Love, Becki

Catching Up! The New Life & A Bowhunter's Legacy

February has been one crazy month, already! My family made a heart wrenching decision ...  it seems like the right answer for now. A couple of my shooting buddies are going through hard times, my prayers are with them, I've been through what they are going through and I don't wish that upon anyone else.

~~~

I lacked a Valentine this year... so I bought myself a gift!

Two years in a row I've lacked a Valentine. Oh well, just means God needs a little more time.

~~~

My home shoot was this weekend. My Friday night score isn't even worth mentioning. It was rough going. My shoulders and chest were aching, probably from the bronc ride I received earlier this week. I started the half with a 121, it went down hill from there. I came in DEAD LAST... sigh.

Saturday I shot with a little more enthusiasm. I shot out of spite, and spiked my scores. My score was 238. I'm still not in the 300 range. Arie is still fighting me, and I'm afraid that once I change her string and cables she'll be even more spiteful, I guess we will see since M.C. Promised me we'd get it done this week.

The Reappearance

 Yesterday as I was driving home from the hospital I noticed my buck is still hanging around......

Please pardon me while I take a short break from blogging. My family is currently struggling through a decision. It'd be best for me to stay focused on them... I'll be back when the sailing gets smooth again...

The New Life: Nightmares

The nightmares are what hurt the worst, and a new one has appeared. One that I wish I knew the meaning to. It starts on the highway into town, around the middle of town, where the asphalt meets the bricks I lay my Soprtster down and slide down the pavement. There is a rush of people. The paramedics fight through the group; they get to me, scope me up and rush me to the hospital. The dream goes black but I can still hear voices, “She’s tore up pretty bad.” It’s Dr.Rolls’ voice. I struggle to open my eyes and there sitting on the edge of the bed is Bowman. He smiles at me as I wake up. I start to cry and feel pain radiating. “It’s going to be okay Honey. The pain stops. You are going to be alright, I promise.” He whispers as he strokes my cheek.

Last night was the first time this dream has appeared. I was still struggling with the one from earlier. They have two shared concepts, the motorcycle and Bowman. They both hurt me, but this newest one I think hurts the most. I’m not going to read anything into the dream… I just hope it’s not forewarning I’m going to wreck my bike…

A Bowhunter's Legacy: Still shooting 300s

The first time I broke 300 I never expected to do it again. I was used to shooting great scores then dropping back to the bottom of the barrel, however it’s remained consistent. I’ve shot four scores in a row all over 300. What’s changed? Good question…

I’m still shooting the Parker side kick extreme, in pink of course. I haven’t adjusted the draw length, it’s still 26 inches. The poundage is still hanging at 55. My arrows are still 28 inches, even though they are now a menagerie of brands. I’m still shooting my wrist release, simply because I was ordered not to switch back to the handheld… and I’m still listening even though he’s gone. My rip cord is still holding up to the abuse. So what’s changed?

My sight, a couple of months ago I bought a TruGlo Micro-Brite sight. It’s a simple 5 pin micro adjust sight; however I had one hell of a problem getting enough up and down in it. In the end it all worked out for the best. Because I couldn’t move the sight up any further and I was still six inches high I adjusted my nocking point, peep sight, and d loop. Guess what it did, sorted out my all over problem.

Of course I shoot best when I stay focused on shooting. I switched back into a WhisperLite peep sight. It has a larger view in it, I’m able to see all of my pins without adjusting my anchor point and the black fingers keep the other archers on the line out of sight. Now if I can get over trying to wrestle the pin to the center I bet you I’d jump my scores once again.

I’m changing the strings out on my bow. I’ve shot with the same string and cables for over a year now; it’s time to change them out. I would really rather wait till off season to do it, but the string has started to fray where the peep sight is. I’m not comfortable shooting it any longer. I ordered a custom made string and cable set, in black and pink of course.

I also ordered a half dozen of the Ted Nugent Gold Tips. Most of my pink v3s are broke, I’m down to three. I love the v3s and in the end I’ll probably end up going back to them. But I figured I’d give Mr. Nugent’s arrows a try, after all I hear he is an Archery God (catch the sarcasm?)

A broken, shattered, heart finally healed and placed with caution in the palms of another, hoping this time, maybe it will be cherished forever.

Dear You. The Second Letter

Dear You,

I’m not sure what my intentions are with this letter. I’m not sure you follow the blog any more, although a small piece of me hopes you do, hopes you still think about me. It’s selfish and I know that, but considering you consume a lot of my thoughts I don’t find it horribly selfish. Anyway where am I going with this…

I wish that we could be friends, respectful, truthful, real friends. Not the kind of “friends” we are now, essentially two ships who pass in the night. We know the other is there but we don’t acknowledge each other. I wish we could talk, talk like we did before we dated when we were just friends, even though it wouldn’t be the same.

Earlier, when you left early, claiming to be tired… It bugged me. The conversation I was having with Abbs you had walked on in the middle of. I should have stopped talking, saved a little respect for you. But a small, awful, part of me wanted you to feel the pain I once felt.

It seems that no matter how strong I try to build myself up to be I can’t hold it. I can’t keep it from crumbling. I preach what will be, will be. Right now this new man, he’s what’s meant to be for this moment, who knows maybe he’s whats meant to be till the end. I will be honest though, the other night I wished it was you I was kissing. I wanted you to be the one I was shooting with. I wanted you to be the one who made me feel the rush. But the rush I felt from him, it was different, how I’m not sure yet.

But it wasn’t you. I’ll always have a soft spot for you, a piece of my heart that you will own forever, a soft place for you to fall. We both may move on to love other people, but you’ll always own that piece of me. You’ll always own the memory of being on the bike with your hand on my knee. You’ll own those late summer nights. Remember the first time you wrapped your arm around me, you’ll always own that to.

I’m dreading swinging my leg over his bike, I know you’ll own that piece of me too. A big part of me is begging to sell my bike and get away from guys who ride, because it’ll be so painful. But I know that for my sake I can’t do that. I however won’t date another man in the club, out of respect for you.

I won’t give up shooting though, I’ve promised myself that. It’s not a piece you will own, it’s a piece I’ll never let a man own. But the clearing and my first year deer hunting, you’ll own that. Remember where we first kissed, remember the song? You’ll own that bar and that song.

The final piece you will own is the end. I’m sorry, but I can’t find any mercy there. What you did, what you called me... You have to own that, and I can’t change it. But I will forgive it, if you ask me to.

I guess my point with this letter is I miss you, I always will. I wish we could be friends, the real kind. If I had it my way we’d be back in each other’s arms. But obviously it’s not meant to be.

Love you babe, forever and always. Don’t worry nothing will change that, cause your still my backwoods boy. Bet you don’t remember that….

Love,

Becki Ann

P.S. My beautiful pink and camo dress came, to bad I won’t ever be able to wear it, wish I hadn’t ordered it back when.

The New Life: What will be, Will be

The belief in happily ever after, love at first sight, or even fairy tales had started to fade. If you’ve read the back posts you can assume that for yourself. The love and passion I had felt for Bowman had been sucked out of me. I lingered in the happy moments as much as possible not wanting to face the reality that it was really over and was time to move on. I worried when he came to the range, worried I wouldn’t be able to keep the emotions in. Worried the he was the only chance for happiness, the only opportunity to love someone. Prospective boyfriends faded quickly, unwilling to show me they had courage, unable to bring back that rush, until last night.

Things may have changed last night. It’s hard to tell at this point, but I guess we will see what is written in the stars. We shall see if he is the one who brings back the hope for Happily Ever After. It isn’t love at first sight, its attraction, but it could be love eventually. Who knows maybe this is a fairy tale after all and I’ve finally made it out of the dark.

“In time all things will be known”

A Bowhunter's Legacy: Breaking 300

A perfect score on a spot league night is 500. My average for a spot round sits at about 222. Tonight I shot a ... wait for it ... 353! I Finally broke 300!!!

And to top it off this is my 300th post!

Heres to breaking 300! That's three shots of Jameson for me.

Saying Goodbye

Yesterday afternoon we made the decision to put to sleep our 13 year old red lab. He had a form of cancer that quickly spread, after two weeks of trying to keep weight on him we decided it wasn't fair any longer. Tobasco was a part of the family, we all already miss him.

Welcome. I hope you'll Hang on for the Ride

I’ve noticed in the sidebar I’ve got some new “stalkers” welcome everyone; I hope you enjoy this crazy ass ride with me. It dawned on me that most of you probably don’t know who the main characters are in my Life, my story. So I thought I’d give you an outline of who everyone is.

First there is me, I’m Becks. I’m the author of this blog, the one living this story. I’ve been through a lot in my short 22 years. I grew up with a single mother with little to no contact with my father. I’ve been married, and divorced. My two passions in life are shooting and riding horses. The ultimate goal is the Olympics, either in archery or with my horses.

Then there is my Momma. She isn’t in the blog much. I try to keep it that way. Our relationship is the most important to me and I keep our struggles to myself. She is my number one fan, and if it wasn’t for her pushing me to be the best, I’d probably not be where I am today.

The Big D is my stand in father. I've known him since I started shooting; he was my first instructor and the one who encouraged me to follow all of my dreams. D has helped me achieve most of my goals. He helped me purchase Arie, the pink Parker. He's put me through lessons with pros, and decked my bow out in some of the nicest gear on the market. He helped me purchase my Sportster and even bought me lessons to learn how to ride it. We reconnected after my divorce. He's been with me through every step of the way. He's held the umbrella in the lightning storms and flown the kite on windy days. D is a remarkable man and I will always love him like my father.

I often remark that Sonny was my second mom. She was always good for a lesson or a scolding, a lot of times both. She once told me she loved me like the daughter she never had. In 2010 she passed away from cancer. I miss her dearly and often dream and or believe she is really with me. I draw strength from her memory and would like to think it really is her I talk with when I call for her.

There are several characters that come and go in this blog. Several are ladies I rode with at the academy; some are former trainers of mine. Pecos Bill is a close family friend whom often takes me riding or hunting, he’s another stand in father. D.W. is a family friend who died when I was 16, he’s the one who instilled the love of horses in me. Beans is a woman that I am in the art society with, she claims to hold the power to read the stars and see the future, she says there is a Mr. Right out there, and that if I believe in the power of constellation The Archer what I seek will find me. Then there are the Ex Boyfriends, Handsome and Bowman, they linger in the past blogs. There are new and old friends alike, Waterfowler, Big Rick, Ty, Farmer, Stephens, M.C.

I can’t predict the future characters. But I do promise I am looking forward to sharing my story with them and then with you. I invite you to stay for this crazy ride. Who knows where it’ll end. After all I am still looking for that Happily Ever After, if it really does exist.

The New Life: This Time for Good

“You coming up for the Big Buck?” D asked.

I hesitated, “I don’t know yet.”

“Well I hope you’ll come.” He said quietly.

“Can I stay?” I asked fighting back the tears.

“Of course.” He replied.

“No I mean for good.” I said as the first tear rolled down my cheek.

“What happened?” He asked.

“I’m tired and I need out.”

He paused, “Oh babes.”

“I don’t want to talk about it. I just want out.” I whispered.

“Okay. You come and we will figure something out.” He replied.

“Thanks for being the best.” I mumbled.

We talked about my scores and talked about me shooting in the Classic. I was hesitant. The competition is so much stiffer. The ladies there have been shooting a lot longer; they’ve got most of it figured out. “But if you don’t try you’ll never know.” D had protested. So I guess it’s in my future to shoot one of these competitions, and maybe stay in Omaha for good.

As for what is making me run, well it’s the same things. It’s Bowman, the best friend, and the want of a happily ever after. I knew coming home was a mistake, but I let this town suck me back in. Because no matter how much I complain, no matter how mad it makes me, it is my hometown, and I won’t be able to escape it for long.

A Bowhunter's Legacy: Easy on the Arrows

I sunk down into the tall grass once again. It was cold and the weather was threatening moisture, which we desperately need, it didn’t bother me. I closed my eyes and relaxed. I thought about sitting across the counter from Sonny. I could see her smile and her beautiful blue eyes.

“I’m so very proud of you.” She said with a smile.

“He wasn’t there it doesn’t count.” I mumbled.

“Oh but it does, you focused on shooting, you worked the yardages but most of all you smiled the whole time and didn’t once get frustrated.” She said then took a drag of her cigarette.

“I had a blast. For the first time I actually enjoyed shooting the whole time.” I answered.

She smiled, “then that is all that matters.”

Friday night I shot a 220 and came in fourth place. For those of you who haven’t followed my struggles with my bow that doesn’t seem like much of an accomplishment. But believe me it is. A few short weeks ago I had given up all hope of ever figuring out how to control my shooting. I had been tempted to leave my bow in its case and walk away. A break up tore me apart, and his presence at the range made it all worse. This 220 is a result of me pulling my head out of my ass and reminding myself who I was before all of this. It took a little bit of faith to know that I was a talent shooter who could do what ever she wanted, if she could put her mind to it.

I enjoyed shooting with my buddies. I hadn’t seen most of them since the end of last years 3D season. It was remarked that I was a whole new shooter; I was more confident, but still as charming and beautiful.

Saturday morning the overall group of shooters was a little smaller. I shot 224 and third place in the women’s division. I did however break two arrows that day, results of two wall shots. In the whole weekend I had six wall shots. Out of 80 shots, I consider six to be improvement, since last year about half were wall shots. Saturday I shot exclusively with Big Rick and Ty. I can’t catch a break with either one of them, not only do they push me to become a better archer they push me to be a better person. They are genuine friends and I can’t wait till next month’s shoot!

I opened my eyes as I began to get cold, I looked up into the hazy sky. I found the archer constellation and thought about what Beans had told me. “What you seek will find you.” I realized that all I had ever looked for was happiness. I thought that required a man, time exclusively with someone. “Man I was wrong.” I whispered.

1000 faces

1000 Faces- Randy Montana

There’s brunettes, blonde girls, blue jeans, string of pearls
Take you on a trip around the world girls,
Love has a thousand faces, love has a thousand faces

There’s debutantes, drama queens, glued-to bride magazine
Half caff, two pump, no whip in the coffee bean
Love has a thousand faces, love has a thousand faces

But I see you, before I ever knew you, before I ever knew you
I dreamed of you, I dreamed of you…

There’s small town, itty-bitty tomboy in the big city
Turn your head when the light ain’t red, stop traffic kind of pretty
Love has a thousand faces, love has a thousand faces

But I see you, before I ever knew you, before I ever knew you
I dreamed of you, I dreamed of you, yeah…


You’re a stormy night, thunder crashing, mystery, full of passion
Quiet as a Sunday morning, change without any warning
Love has a thousand faces, love has a thousand faces

But I see you, and I see you
I see you

(There’s brunettes, blonde girls, blue jeans, string of pearls
Take you on a trip around the world girls)

Baby I see you

(debutantes, drama queens, glued-to bride magazine
Half caff, two pump, no whip in the coffee bean)

Yeah, I see you

(Small town, itty-bitty tomboy in the big city
Turn your head when the light ain’t red, stop traffic kind of pretty)

Before I ever knew you

(Stormy night, thunder crashing, mystery, full of passion)

Before I ever knew you

(Quiet as a Sunday morning, change without any warning)

Before I ever knew you

(Brunettes, blonde girls, blue jeans, string of pearls)

Before I ever knew you

(Take you on a trip around the world girls,
Debutantes, drama queens, glued-to bride magazine
Half caff, two pump, no whip in the coffee bean)

Oh, and I see you

(small town, itty-bitty tomboy in the big city
Turn your head when the light is red, stop traffic kind of pretty)

A Bowhunter's Legacy: Back to the Good

Tonight I focused. Tonight I drew myself back to the good shooting. 20 and 30 yards are dead on. My farthest shot tomorrow is 48 yards, I have my 40 yard pin set and my 50 eye balled, here is to hoping that I've finally go it figured out!
I even had a brief conversation with Bowman and conducted myself with Grace and didn't become distracted. I know somewhere Sonny is smiling... Wish me luck tomorrow I may need it!!!

A Bowhunter's Legacy: 2012 season opens!

Tomorrow is the first shoot of the season! We all know I've been struggling with shooting. I thought I had it all figured out in Omaha, then I came home and lost almost all my sense. I've set a goal for myself to break 300 and to stay focused on my shooting.
Big Rick and Ty are my two shooting partners for this tournament. They are positive shooters and help me adjust my yardage and shooting style. In the end all I really want out of this shoot is proof that I can keep my level head in competition.

From the Saddle: Rescuing Each Other

“I’m tired of talking about the past.” I said as I swung the saddle over the grey.

AJ looked over at me, “Wow what’s wrong?”

I sighed as I reached down for the girth, “I don’t want to talk about the breakup anymore. I’ve moved on and I’m sure he has. I just want to leave the past in the past. I owe it to myself.”

She nodded as she pet the already saddled sorrel.

“I’m sorry I don’t mean to be short about it.” I said as I tightened the girth. “But you understand don’t you?” I asked as I looked over my horse.

“Yes. I understand.” She half heartedly smiled.

“Are you sure you are ready to ride?” I asked, dancing around the subject that I thought it was too soon.

She nodded, “Geo’s gone, I can’t bring him back. But I don’t want riding to be spoiled just because I lost a horse.”

I sighed, “A, it’s okay for you to mourn. He was a good horse, you raised him. You don’t have to get back into the saddle just yet.”

She smiled, “If I don’t do it now, I won’t want to ever do it again.”

I nodded, knowing she had a point. “Okay, well I’m going to pony you on him because I don’t know what he’ll be like.” I said as I bridled my horse.

“We’ll be fine.”

“No he needs to be ponied.” I said as I mounted up.

“Beck.” She said sternly glaring at me.

“Fine.” I sighed. “But keep the lead rope on incase I have to rescue you.” I growled.

She reached her hand down his neck, “What were you worried about?” She asked as she stroked him.

I rolled my eyes, “please don’t say that we aren’t home yet.”

She smiled, “Beck, thank you.”

I smiled back at her, “you are welcome.”

She straightened in the saddle, “I always had a crush on this horse.”

I looked over at her, “what?”

“I had a crush on this horse from the day you two arrived at the show barn. I watched you lead him off the trailer and I was smitten. I used to sneak him treats and dawdle in his stall when you weren’t around.”

I laughed, “That’s why he always checked my pockets for treats, it was you!”

She smiled, “It was. I think Geo was jealous of him.” She sobered at the sound of her horse’s name.

“I’m sorry for your loss.” I whispered.

She snapped out of her day dream, “God was just ready for a great horse like Geo.” She said with a smile.

We rode in silence for awhile. The light powdered snow crunched quietly under the horses’ hooves. I sighed as I tried to stop thinking about the previous night, “I wish I didn’t have to see him around town.” I whispered. “I wish he didn’t shoot at the same range as me.”

AJ sighed, “No one said it would be easy. Besides you are going to be out of here by the end of the winter and on to better things.”

I smiled, “you think?”

“I plan to kidnap you after the International.” She said with a smile.

“I was actually thinking about moving to North Platte. The Game and Parks has a job I’ve applied for.” I said as the grey flipped his nose in the air.

“Ah, just make sure you aren’t moving for a man.” She said with a cocky smile.

I sighed, “I’m moving for myself.”

She smiled. “I suppose I’ll believe that for now.”

The New Life: Looming in the Moonlight

I settled into the tall grass down in the clearing. I hadn’t been there for weeks; I had all but forgotten this place. It hadn’t called me, it hadn’t drawn me, but after two weeks in Omaha I figured it wouldn’t. That was until the run in at the range. I pulled into the parking lot, made my way up to the range and saw the bow case before I saw him. I recognized it instantly and caught my breath in my chest. “Are you ready for this?” I had mumbled to myself. I hesitated wondering if I was.

The full moon was hidden behind the building clouds. I could feel something lurking in the trees; I hoped it wasn’t a mountain lion. “Why is this bothering me?” I asked out loud.

I heard her voice before I saw her moving through the faded moon light, “Because you gave him the power to do it.”

“Is this a haunting?” I asked to scared to move.

She sighed, “Stop being silly, you asked me to come.”

I nodded, “I guess I did.”

“Why did you give him the power to play with your heart?” She asked.

I shook my head, “I don’t know Sonny. In all honesty I was fine until he flipped an attitude.”

“Well he’s just showing you who he really is.” She said.

“In his defense I did use the attitude first.” I mumbled.

“Don’t fucking defend him!” She yelled.

I closed my eyes. “Sonny I’m over him. Honestly I am, my heart doesn’t hurt anymore and I am moving on.”

“Don’t worry about Bowman. Keep yourself collected while shooting. I watched you; can you explain any of those groups to me?” She asked, her voice rambling in my head.

“I was distracted. I don’t have an excuse.” I whispered out loud.

“You can’t do that at the shoot. You can’t be like that if you want to go pro.” She said quietly.

“I know. Big Rick and Ty will be there, I’m hoping they’ll keep me on track. Can you help me?” I asked.

I could almost hear her smile, “I’ll help you as much as I can. My first advice, don’t fucking worry about his shit.”

I laughed.

“So tell me about Waterfowler.” She said changing subjects.

I sunk into the seat of my car staring out onto the open meadow. I sighed thinking about her advice. I remembered the promise I had made myself at D’s dinner table, “I’ll be on top no matter what.” I thought about how I shot and the horrible feeling of being distracted. “It’s going to get better; he didn’t break my heart tonight, that’s a start.” I mumbled to myself. I grabbed my phone as I started my car.

Big D: “Hey baby Girl everything okay?”

I smiled. “If it’s not now it will be.”

The New Life: Echo

“Believe me the irony isn’t lost on me.” I said as I took a drink of my whiskey.

The fire pit glowed in front of us. Pecos Bill chuckled, “I’m just saying you broke your ex’s heart. It doesn’t surprise me Bowman did the same thing to you. After all we both believe in Karma.”

I smiled, “that we do.” I took another sip. It was straight whiskey, on the rocks. My day had been long and when Pecos had stopped by to chat I had invited him to stay for dinner.

Pecos has always been like my father. He helped me through some really hard times; times I doubt I would have made it through as clear if he hadn’t been there. He’d always picked me up when I was down and thrown me back into the saddle, sometimes literally. His ties to my family had only been strengthened after my divorce. He had once said, “don’t worry, I’ll always love you like my daughter.”

“I don’t blame Karma. I’ve done some shitty things in the past, I deserved everything I got.” I said as I stared into the flames.

“Well things are going to change right?” He asked.

I nodded, “I’m looking for good karma.” I whispered.

“That’s good to hear.”

We sat quietly for a while listening to the fire pit and the coyotes in the distance. I looked over to Pecos, “Thanks for everything.” I whispered.

He smiled and laid his hand on my arm, “you are very welcome girl. I hope this year brings you everything you want.”

I smiled, "this is a good start."

Memorable 2011

As I ring in the new year I am also thinking about last year. While there isn't a defined change from yesterday to today, 2012 does mean something to me. It means that I get another opportunity to make my life what I want it to be. I started this process in 2011, I intend to keep the changes and make some more in 2012. Instead of New Year Resolutions I decided to let things happen the way Fate wants them to be. Tonight I thought I'd share my best 2011 moments.

Best Moments of 2011

Harley Sportster
     I first fell in love with my Harley in Septemeber. The second I laid eyes on it I knew that somewhere in the future it would be mine. If it weren't for a broken heart and a good friend I'd still be dreaming about her. My sportster has become a new passion, when given the opportunity I stand in the garage and play with her. My first ride on her went well and now I'm hooked, there is no going back.

First Motorcycle Ride
     There is so much about Bowman and his Road King I will never forget, but that first ride is a moment in time that will forever stick with me. I was hesitant about riding. I have friends who ride; D, Stephens, MC, Farmer, they all told me I needed to ride. But I drug my feet and made excuses. Until one day Bowman showed up with a helmet and left the option out of it. It was a day that changed my life forever. If it hadn't been for that first ride, the love Bowman instilled in me, there would have been no reason to buy the new love of my life. It's one afternoon I will never forget.

Breaking BlueRocks with Handsome
    Though the relationship was short it's still a couple of months that I wish I could relive. Breaking bluerocks in the late spring afternoons is a moment I often return to when I am stressed. I think about how he helped me learn to follow the clays. I remember the Mike's Hards and the sound of his 20 gauge. But mostly I remember him healing my heart, teaching me it was okay to love again.

Deadwood with Handsome
    I never got a honeymoon in my marriage. While Handsome wasn't my husband it still felt like the honeymoon I never got. Wine tasting in the hills, playing the slots in the evening, dinner out, the late night concert, and laying my head on his chest when my ear infection got to me. Little did I know that in a couple of months things would change, but that moment in time was one of the happiest in my life so far.

Summer Nights
    I've always loved summer, that's no secret. There is something about watching the stars late at night that makes me feel whole again. I remember wishing for my lady bug. I remember Heritage Days. I remember the night I stayed up with Bowman. I remember the first kiss on that summer evening. I remember standing at the range talking till midnight. Those summer nights were full of blossoming love, they were full of change.

Divorce Finalized
     You'd think this was a sad moment. But for me my divorce signified the change, it began my new life. It put me on this road to Happily Ever After. This time I am a little bit more prepared. I didn't see it as an end, I saw it as a beginning.

The New Life: Changes

The nightmares stopped that night. Instead I dreamt of shooting and riding, I dreamt of the Olympics and the gold medal. The next morning I sat at the dining room table as D read the paper. "Has she ever visited you before?" I asked.
He laid the paper down, a puzzled look swept across his face, "A couple of times. I figured she would be around yesterday." He said.
I cocked my head to the side, "Why?"
He smiled, "I felt you let go, let go of fear. I saw the hope come back to you. I knew she was here."
I smiled, "It was that noticeable."
He nodded, "What changed that? What brought the hope back?"
"I'm not sure. I guess it's just because I'm tired of being sad. Tired of pretending everything is okay, so I decided that it really is okay."
"Is that why you are shooting better?" He asked.
I shook my head, "No that's because of spite."
He laughed, "What?"
"I'm going to get competitive. I'm going to put my heart and soul into shooting that bow. Because I am a woman scorned and Hell hath no furry..."
"Like a woman scorned." He said with a smile.
"One day I'll be at the top." I said with a smile, "One day I'll have that gold medal. If it isn't from riding it'll be from shooting."
He smiled, "Here's the Beck I've been waiting for."
I nodded, "Yep. She's here to stay to."

The New Life: Her Song

I stood in the kitchen watching the quiet rain fall on the yard. The sun was setting in the trees. I sighed and leaned onto the kitchen counter staring out the picture window. Bella laid at my feet, my corgis snuggled next to her.
The house was silent. Bella's ears perked before I heard it.



"You feel like you're falling backwards
Like you're slippin' through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can't see it now"

 "Hey Girl what are you doing?" D asked as he came through the hallway.
I straightened up, a little startled and looked over to him, "Hey. I was just thinking about what to make for dinner."
He smiled, laid the keys down on the counter, "not trying to nest are you?" He said with a laugh.
"No D, just trying to be a good house guest." I said.
"House guests don't cook." He said. "I'll order a pizza."
I nodded, "kay."
He disappeared, leaving me in the kitchen.
"You heard it to huh." I whispered to Bella. My corgis still sleeping beside her. She cocked her head to the side as the singing began again.

"But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will"

"It's a familiar song. The voice, it's familiar too." I whispered to her. She stood up and came over to me. I rubbed her head and listened a little longer.

"You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You're just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
And you don't know it yet"

"Hey D." I yelled to him through the house.
He came trotting out of the office, "Whats wrong?"
"That singing do you hear it?" I asked.
He stood quiet for a second, "I think you are imagining things."
"It's very familiar. I've heard it before." I mummbled closing my eyes.
"Beck you okay." He asked laying his hand on my arm.
I opened my eyes, "Yeah. It must be nothing."
He half heartidly smiled, "Okay. So I'm going to order stuffed crust."
I nodded. He went back to the office. Bella whined a little and sat where he had been standing. "You hear it to, it's not just me."

"Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you're made of, you're made of"

"One day you will
Oh one day you will"

Bella lept to her feet and ran to the sliding glass door. My corgis heard her run and quickly chased after her. I turned my head to catch a glimpsie of her at the window. I caught my breath in my chest. "Hey." I whispered.
She smiled, her blue eyes beaming in life, "remember Baby Girl, it'll all be alright."
I nodded.
"Hey Beck, why don't you call your momma and have her come over." He said as he walked out of the office over to where I was. "What's wrong?"
She faded as he touched my arm. "You are so white, Beck are you okay?" He said as he reached up and touched my face.
I flinched, "uh yeah. I'm okay."
"Beck."
"She sang to me. The song she used to sing when I was hopeless." I whispered.
He cocked his head to the side, "Who?"
"Sonny." I whispered.
He caught his breath in his chest. "Oh Beck."

The New Life: Welcome HOME

The city lights say I'm here...

A Bowhunter's Legacy: A Year Ago

It was a year ago last Thursday when I first started to shoot with the guys down at the range. A lot has changed. I've gone through three bows and about two dozen arrows. I've made more friends then I can count. But somewhere in it all I changed. I became more like the woman I want to be.

Arie, the Pink Parker, is finally shooting well. I finally got help adjusting it so the sight works properly. I am now shooting groups the size of quarters. It's only taken a year and around six sights to get to this point, but I am finally doing it.  The first night I sighted in my sight I thought it was fluke. I'm known for shooting great groups and then suddenly throwing my arrows all over. But last night, the third time I've consistently shot with this sight, we played follow the leader. Basically a game of HORSE, an archer picks shots he knows he can make but doesn't believe the other players can. Anyway I didn't break one arrow, didn't miss one target, and all were worth a score. I was extremely happy, and when I went back to the paper target I was still shooting quarter sized groups.

I'll be in Omaha for a couple of weeks before the first archery tournament here at the range. I have set up a couple of pro lessons and enlisted the Big D to help me so I continute on with this growth. I'll have available time and a private range, thanks to the D. I am hoping I'll return with the confidence and a bow that shoots better then before.

There may be Hope yet!

You know it's you who calls me back here

Fall in The Clearing

You hear it every day
Once upon a time they say
Once upon a time in this place
I looked and saw on your face
A smile that spoke to me
In oh so many ways

Hoping and believing
That love built this garden
For the two of us to dream in



We’d get a little rain
Then the sun came out again
But a frost it’s hard to fight
Once it takes hold flowers die
There’s only so much you can do
To keep some things alive

Sad to say, it’s true
Without a lover who
Cares as much

_Love Built a Garden_
Elton John
Re-read the lyrics, it's not about a garden at all



This is where I have found comfort lately, in the clearing. Hidden in the tall grass and bare branches. I sit and wait, for what I'm not sure. The deer have migrated for the winter, to better ground with more forage and cover. I don't carry my bow when I go, I usually just find my way there at odd times of the day, times when my mind is clear.
I'm not sure what draws me. Maybe it's the memory of hunting here. Maybe it's the empty deer trails with the fallen leaves. Maybe it's the frozen lake. It's all gone like the love, gone. Soon there will be a heavy snow and the tall dry grass will be gone too. Soon the wind will blow and the dried leaves will blow away.
But what keeps drawing me here...

The New Life: Colder Weather

The nightmare is one that bothers me every night. It’s been there lingering for the last couple of weeks. Usually it starts with the picture of me and him on his bike. You can see our two smiles, then the picture goes from still to life, the bike rumbles to life, I wave goodbye to my Mom and away we go. It plays out almost exactly the same way it did the day the picture was taken the movement the reactions, the happenings. Except something changes and we end up on the highway to the hills, somewhere we didn’t originally go that day. As the dream progresses everything is great and then suddenly the bike tilts and we begin to slide across the pavement. He reaches out to catch me, his eyes meet mine, the love is still there, he wants to catch me, but I keep sliding.

Sometimes the dream stops here, other times it moves to us standing in the parking lot talking. The conversation lingers and stays the same, the look in his eyes is the same, and the heartache is still there. I just turn and walk away, and as I reach my car my eyes meet his. There is where it always ends.

Of course I know what the dream signifies, losing love. It’s just odd that it begins with that day, a day when I couldn’t have been more in love with him. My nightmares of my high school sweetheart are completely different; they aren’t vivid like this dream is. They don’t haunt me like this dream does. There is something different about this dream, something that I haven’t exactly figured out . . . something. . .

From the Saddle: Wanted- Joint Doctors

Today I found myself facing the unbearable fact that I may not get a show season in 2012. Boo Boo has pulled up lame. I’m hoping he’s just pulled a muscle since he wasnt lame Wednesday and with a little bute he will straighten right out. If not I’ll be taking him to Sturgis to the best leg doctor around. You may ask why not a local vet, well they are great in emergency situations, but jumper legs are a little more complicated. I need to take Sweet Cheeks up there to have his leg ultra sounded before show season also. The joint he injured a few years ago gives him no problems, but I am curious as to how much scar tissue is in it, and if he really will be able to keep up with the rigors of the show circuit again, after all we both are older.

Show season is looming, so is my knee surgery. But I’ve been connected with a surgeon in Chicago that thinks a complete knee replacement isn’t necessary. I fly up the week before Christmas to have my consultation with him. I hope he has a real solution that doesn’t involve ripping my knee out…

If I do end up with a complete replacement I might as well forget showing, even riding, this year. It’s going to put a hold on competing in the ring, competing with my bow, and even riding my motorcycle. I’m dreading it, fearful of the change, fearful it won’t really help my situation. But let’s hope Mr. Chicago has some better answers and that the boys don't have to go see their own joint doctor....

Dear Mr. Right

Dear Mr. Right,

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve written and rewritten this letter. It plays through my head during the quiet moments of the day. I find myself writing it while I’m running, trying to find the words to fit how I feel. It lingers when I’m riding, making it hard to focus on the jumps in front of me.

When I sat on the airplane watching Nebraska pass beneath me I couldn’t stop thinking about how you are down there somewhere waiting for our moment in time. But then I realized now isn’t a good time to fall in love again, now shouldn’t be that moment in time. You see I’m still in love with him, some say that is because you and him are one in the same. But I don’t think so, why would Fate be so cruel?

I wonder who you really are. Are you a local rancher, a motorcycle enthusiast, a professional archer, a pilot, maybe you are someone I don’t know yet. That’s the likely story, someone who has yet to come into my life. I would like to think that Fate has you right around the corner and once I give up on this hopeless past of mine you will come into my life and be there and never leave.

It’s all hopeless wonder and worry. Fate will be Fate and I just have to realize that. But Mr. Right I’m ready for our Happily Ever After. Do you think Happily Ever After exists? Will it ever be our moment in time?

With Love,

Becki

The New Life: Weekend at Ds

I lay in bed staring up at the ceiling. Bella squirmed as her nose stuck out from under the comforter. She’d hastily gotten into bed as soon as I pulled the comforter back and refused to move once I had gotten in. “She usually sleeps in that bed alone.” D had told me earlier when I had put my stuff in the room.

“I’m sure we will get along just fine.” I had said as I patted her on the head.

I slid over in the king sized bed to give her more room. She groaned and stretched out, “you are as bad as a man.” I mumbled as I shoved the pillow under my head. She snorted and rolled around under the comforter so her paws were pressing against my back. “Come on now we have to share the bed.” I mumbled. She pushed a little harder, “D thinks you've got personality." I said exaggerating the last word, "I think you are a spoiled brat.”

Eventually we had stopped arguing and both had fallen asleep. I awoke from a dream around one and she had taken to her side of the bed. I brushed my hair out of my face and tried to catch my breath. Nightmares have been bothering me for the last couple of weeks. I tried to relax in bed but couldn’t do it, so I got up and walked downstairs to the kitchen.

D had built this house from the ground up, he’d only been living in it for a week. It was oddly close to my dream house, I had thought that when I had arrived at the doorstep, “familiar.” When I had first learned D was building a new home I was amazed. He’d lived in the house he was born in; he’d lived in it for close to forty years. “Why are you moving?” I had asked.

“Because I need more space and I think it’s time to move on.” He had replied.

I stood in the kitchen as I replayed that through my mind. “Better late then never.” I mumbled as I found a glass. The fridge was stuffed full of food. D had found his inner chef somewhere after his mother had passed. He’d mastered everything but brownies, he still begged me to bake those, and after tasting his version I knew why. I grabbed the Coke out of the fridge and poured an almost full glass. I settled it back in the fridge and walked down to the game room.

The lights flickered on as I found the light switch. “If you’d keep the whiskey in the kitchen.” I mumbled, building my argument for if he walked in. I walked past the pool table over to the bar. I set my glass down on the bar and walked around it. I touched each bottle as I looked for the Jameson. When I reached it I kissed the bottle then poured a double, maybe it was a triple. I smiled put the bottle back and took the remote off of the bar top.

I sunk into the leather couch and turned on the flat screen. Eventually Bella came to find me, “what’s wrong you had the bed to yourself.” I mumbled as she jumped up beside me. “You could have at least brought a blanket.” I mumbled. She groaned and laid down next to me, her silver head hanging off of the couch, “don’t blame it on me.” I mumbled then took a sip of my mainly whiskey and Coke. I closed my eyes and listened to the quiet chatter on the TV. When I had finished my whiskey I took the glass back to the kitchen and found my way to the garage.

I walked past the newly hung Harley memorabilia. Bella’s tags clinked behind me, “you could be quieter.” I whispered. She snorted but kept following me. We made it to the garage where I flicked the florescent lights on. The pickup was thawing out leaving puddles on the floor. My eyes shifted from it over to the row of bikes. D had put the Panhead back together and then had bought another addition, a 1957 Sportster. It sat uncovered between my Sportster and the Road King. The five bikes sat perfectly aligned along the edge of the garage, The Road King, The Vintage Sportster, My Sportster, The Panhead, and finally The Fat Boy. I smiled at the line up. Along the wall behind them hung pictures of vintage Harleys, pictures I had found for him. “Eventually I’ll get a shop built just for the bikes.” He had mumbled as we stood in the garage earlier in the day admiring the pictures we'd just hung.

Bella sat on the top step and stared at me. I sighed and walked over to my bike, she was uncovered, I’d been messing with her earlier in the day, and despite D’s insistence I had left the cover off. A habit he said he’d break me of. I laughed as I thought about it all.

In all the time we had known each other I hadn’t once asked to ride his motorcycle. He’d always had one and he had always wanted me to ride; I guess it wasn’t what Fate wanted. Fate wanted my first ride to be with someone else, someone special. I ran my hand across the paint and smiled.

“I know what’s going to happen. I’m going to swing my leg over and shit will hit the fan.” I whispered. She beckoned to me, drew me closer, begging me to just swing over. I walked around her admiring her grace. She was prettier then the older Sportster, more graceful. Of course motorcycles aren’t supposed to be graceful; they are supposed to be masculine, but not her. I slid my hand across the seat and finally swung over. I took her off of the stand and sat down, balancing her between my legs.

It was rapid, the rush of emotions. I had bottled them up, fought them every step of the way, but I couldn’t stop them now. I thought about how I wanted so badly to ride with Bowman. How I could have spent every single second of everyday on the back of his bike. I remembered the first time I had felt the rush of the bike, how I was instantly hooked. Then I felt it, his hand on my knee, and I lost it. I lost every ounce of strength I had built up. It rushed over me and I knew why the nightmares were haunting me.

“Damn it.” I sobbed through the pain. “I thought I was over him.”

Bella whined as she stared at me. D stepped out from around the door and watched me. “You okay?” he asked.

I nodded.

He stepped out into the garage, “I was hoping this wouldn’t happen.”

I shrugged, “I knew it was going to.”

He sighed, “Is there anyway to make it better?”

I sat quietly for awhile. “Probably not.”

“Oh.” He whispered.

My eyes met his. “I thought I was over him, over the damn pain. But here I am again crying.”

He nodded, “You said you wouldn’t cry anymore.”

“I know.” I moaned, and then settled the bike back onto the stand. I swung around and took a step back.

“You know it’s okay to not be over him yet. It’s okay to remember riding with him, shooting with him, loving him. It’s okay for all of that to still be there.” D said in a low voice, “after all you thought he was the other half of your soul.”

I nodded but didn’t make eye contact. "I still love him."

“You can still love him, but you can’t hold out hoping he will be back. Does a part of you still think he is your soul mate?”

I stood silently.

“Beck, now is the time to let Fate have the reins.” He said quietly, “Let the Lord guide you. Let Sonny help you. Let someone else have the reins. I know you ride to win, but maybe this with him is a ride you can't win."

A Bowhunter's Legacy: Broken Promise

D sat across from the table. He looked over his beer glass with a straight face. “What did you do?”

I squirmed in my chair, “I messed my bow up.”

He sighed, “Beck I told you if you needed something done you needed to ask Bowman or me.”

“Well Bowman wasn’t exactly an option. I asked, I know, and you, you were a little absent. What did you want!” I said getting frustrated.

“We had a deal. You broke your promise. You are going to have to figure out how to fix it yourself.” He said leaning back in his chair.

I sighed, “Fine.”

We sat in silence for awhile. “I mean it Beck. Fix it or I won’t buy you that new bow.” He said sternly staring me down.

“I got it D. Now can we change the subject?” I took a drink of my wine and stared at him.

“What do you want to talk about?” He asked.

“Well for starters why you’re being so damn pissy?” I said setting my glass on the table.

He sighed, “I’m just frustrated.”

“With what?” I asked.

“You.”

I sighed and put my head in my hands.

Don't carry your mistakes around with you. Their weight will crush you. Instead lay them on the ground and use them as stepping stones to something better.

Know what I realized today, it's been over a month since the breakup.... I didnt even see that month come or go...

The New Life: ?

Today's Horoscope:
"A romantic situation that you find yourself in will soften your heart, which may have become hardened by the recent ending of a relationship that meant a lot to you. The current astral energies imply that the person you meet could take your mind off the hurt and pain that you have been feeling, and help you to feel as though you could dare to love again."

I don't usually read much into these, but this one has me wondering...

Never let the seeds of doubt take root, because once they do they become weeds that are impossible to remove.