The New Life: Where Ever This Road Shall Go

I nestled my head onto his chest and closed my eyes. He sighed and wrapped his arm around me. “I missed this.” I whispered.

“Me to.” He said as he ran his fingers through my hair on my shoulder.

We laid in silence for a little while.

“What are you thinking about?” I asked.

He sighed and pulled me in closer, “how I wish this would never end.”

“It doesn’t have to.” I whispered.

“We agreed no relationship, no feelings.” He said softly.

“You are developing feelings.” I whispered.

He sighed again, “So are you little miss. Sowhat do you want?”

I thought about it for a moment and looked up at him, “I want to simply enjoy life.”

He smiled, “what does that mean?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know.”

“Lets just see where it goes.” He said as he ran his other hand through my hair.

I smiled, “sounds good to me.”

The New Life:

My phone rang three times before I heard it. I rolled the car windows up and answered the phone. Momma's voice was broken, I knew then the news hadn't been good.

I climbed out of my car, walked into the store and back to find my manager. As I walked to my register there he was. My heart couldn't handle it and I began to shake.

A simple hello and that was it. My desire to talk had faded, I attempted to keep back the tears. Tears from the appology I owe him, tears from what my Momma had to tell me.

I hope the appology will wait, atleast a little bit longer, while we wait to see what will happen with Momma.

I still want to talk and I hope he's open to it....

The New Life: Sensitive

I sat straight up in bed. My blood raced through my veins, I was panting and sweat was rolling down my face mixing with the tears falling out of my eyes. I flinched as the dream repeated in my head. I stumbled out of bed and found the light switch. My breath caught in my chest as I realized all to well to wasn’t just a dream… it was meant to be a premonition.

My momma calls me sensitive, so does Beans and even Big Roy. They say I’m capable of seeing things most people cant. I have a special awareness to the future. I could feel the gremlins in the Sportster; I knew the hurt was coming. A couple weeks before the breakup with Bowman I predicted it, and the day of my wedding I knew there would be a divorce. I knew Bowman had laid his bike down before he had come to tell me. The dream the night before had haunted me, but I had chosen to ignore it. I knew Blue was sick before he told me, I knew time would be precious with him.

It’s an odd sense to feel those kinds of things.

This time, this dream, I have a feeling I should not ignore…

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to all the "dads" in my life! Big Poppa, Blue, and D love you all, thanls for being the best stand in dads you can be!

And Happy Father's Day to my brothers Big Rick and Ty!

The New Life: What a Healthy Heart can do

My Momma once told me that a healthy heart can heal a broken one. I'm not sure my heart is all that healthy, but it'll have to do.....

He was sitting in the blue Adirondack chair starting out across the meadow. I paused at the door and looked down the driveway, I recognized the pickup instantly. My heart leapt into my chest as my hand hit the cold door knob.

More didn’t flinch or turn his head as I closed the door behind me, he simply sat and stared. I walked past him down to the chicken coop, ignoring him, not entirely sure of why he was on my lawn before six in the morning, why he was just sitting there. I watched him out of the corner of my eye as I cleaned the coop and fed the birds.

It took me about fifteen minutes; he sat the entire time staring straight ahead. I wondered in the back of my head if he was okay. As I washed my hands with the garden hose and let the birds out to free range I stared at him, eventually his eyes caught mine. I shook my head and walked back to the lawn.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

He shrugged, “waiting for you.”

I sighed and sat down in the chair next to his, “Why?”

“Why not?” He said softly.

I ran my hands through my hair and leaned back, “what do you want?”

He shrugged again, “I think I made a mistake.”

I sighed and closed my eyes, I thought I knew what was coming next, and I wondered if I really wanted to go back. “What was that?”

“I should have stayed with you. She didn’t change at all.” He said softly.

“Oh More.” I whispered as I looked over at him. I knew then he wasn’t asking for a relationship, he was asking for someone to care, for someone to put him first. I laid my hand on his arm, “God doesn’t take you through something you can’t get through.” I said softly. It was the same thing he had told me after the breakup….

The New Life: Young and Wild and Free

Charming had been laying low for a couple of days. He had known I had heard the rumor about him and his ex-wife. When he finally called me all he said was, “I am very sorry and I understand if you don’t wish to talk to me.”

“Did it really happen?” I asked, not sure I could handle the truth.

There was a long pause, “unfortunately yes. She stayed the night at my house the other day and it happened.”

It hurt, knowing I had just started to let him in, “why?”

“Honestly Beck, I don’t know. It was a mistake. I care you for you so deeply and I don’t why I let her attempt to ruin our relationship.” He said softly.

I sighed and looked out across the meadow in front of me, “Okay.”

“Can you forgive me?” He asked.

I had already, it was a part of something I recognized after the wreck, the fact that I tend to hold onto things and develop a bitterness. “yes.”

“So where do you want to go from here?” He asked.

I sighed, “Honestly I don’t want to just jump back into it. Let’s just take our time. Be friends and see if a relationship is really going to work.”

“There is someone else, isn’t there.” He said quietly.

“No, but I’m not in a hurry. I want to enjoy myself right now; I don’t want to have to worry about working on a relationship for awhile.” I said attempting to make him understand. “I have to learn to trust you again.”

He sighed, “Whatever makes you happy.”

Truth be told I am happy right now being single, sure the first night I partied way to hard, but afterwards I realized that being single has its ups. I don’t have to explain to him why I drunk texted my ex, why those whiskey and cokes were going down so smooth, I don’t have to explain to him who drove me home. Hell I don’t have to explain anything to him and right now that’s just how I like it. Being young and wild and free!

A Bowhunter's Legacy: The Wildcat Hills Shoot

“I didn’t whine in the truck so I could whine all afternoon long.” I said with a smartass tone.

Farmer sighed, “I knew I should have just left you home!”

I rolled my eyes, “you know you’d miss me if you did that.”

He laughed, “that’s probably true, come on lil’ Sister let’s go shoot.”

The first half of the wildcat Hills shoot was grueling. It was a long hike up and down the sides of the canyon, the shots were amazing though, slopes up and down and yardages we don’t get to shoot at home. Halfway through the shoot I tripped and shoved a tree branch into my bad knee. There were some bad words mumbled then, and the rest of the shoot tore me up, but I pushed through it.

I chose to split the shoot into two days, the first half on Saturday and the second on Sunday. Which meant Farmer would only be able to shoo the first day with me. He ruptured something in his knee a few weeks ago and is still recovering from it, a two day hike was out of the question.

After day one and round one I had a 180 under my belt. I was happy with the first half and figured if I could shoot something similar the next day I was golden. After day two and the second half my total score was 340. Do you know what that means? I’ve FINALLY made my goal of 300 in competition!!! Cheers to me!

“Way to go lil’ Sister! You’ve improved!” Farmer said in the pickup on the way home.

I smiled, “thanks.”

“You are going to be at nationals before you know it!” He said as we turned onto the highway and left the shoot.

“I hope so.” I sat and reflected about how far I’ve come from this time last year. I’m happy with my improvement as a shooter and as a person as a whole.

Next goal, R100 shoot keep the 300 score!!!

A Make Up Session

Got home today... Sunburned with a super sore knee.... But SO very happy!!! Want to know why??? Read tomorrows Bowhunter's Legacy!

Anyway this song just sums up how I feel today!

It was a beautiful day, weekend, and I am in such a good place right now! Hopefully it keeps up!

No Sunday Soundtrack

Sorry there isnt a Sunday Soundtrack this week. I'm off trooping through the Wildcat Hills, enjoying the heat! HAHAHA!
Anyway I'll be back with A Bowhunter's Legacy and maybe more this week! We shall see where life leads!

XOXOXO
Beck

The New Life: Walking Away from BS

My tolerance for bullshit has faded. It started after the wreck, when I realized I’d been living wrong. I’ve made changes in my life to become a better person, to live life a way that when I look back I can proud . I’ve made changes to make myself happy. I get up every morning and ask God to make me better then I was yesterday, and to make me better tomorrow then I am today.

So this afternoon when my blood family decided that they wanted to talk shit about me I choose the higher road and walked away. I attempted to let go of the bitterness it was creating. I promised myself I wouldn’t stoop back to where I had come from.

It’s a real shame that a family has to act like that. It’s a shame we can’t just support each other. It’s a shame a fucking shame.

I look at it in this light, one day the shoe will be on the other foot. One day I’ll be able to look at them and say well you did this and this and this wrong, and you are a fool for doing it. But rather then judging them for it, rather then saying what I could, I’ll simply say “Do you need some help right now? It looks like you are struggling.”

In the end I’m living my life for me and me only, and God, well he will forgive me my short comings….

The New Life: What Roy Says Goes

The first time Big Roy visited me we didn’t have a conversation, we didn’t speak, we only acknowledged each other. As Sweet Cheeks and I loped hard across the South meadow I felt the urge to look over my shoulder and there he and Laker were, keeping in stride with us.

The next time he came I had honestly had way to much to drink, it may have been my imagination, but I’d like to think it was really him. It was the night I found out Charming had been cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend.

Roy stood in the room, it was dark and I could hardly see him, but he was there, I knew it. When I sat up in bed and stared at him I could see him better, “is it really you?” I asked.

He chuckled, “who else would it be?”

I sighed, “I don’t know. I’ve just been having some funny experiences lately.”

He smiled, “you’re becoming more sensitive.”

I shrugged and wrapped the covers around me, “I guess.”

“I met Sonny. She’s one hell of a woman. I can see so much of you in her.” He said softly.

I nodded, “She’s awesome. I’m glad you came and all but why?”

He chuckled and crossed his arms across his chest, “What you did wasn’t the answer.”

I sighed and rubbed my eyes, “I know.”

“Well if you know, why did you do it?” He asked

“Because it seemed like the answer at the time.” I said softly.

He sighed and sat down on the corner of the bed, “Not everyone is going to hurt you. I really think you need to talk to this man and hear his side of the story. Is it possible what you are hearing is a rumor from someone who doesn’t want to see you happy?”

I pulled my knees into my chest and thought for a moment, “yes.”

He nodded, “I want you to understand the past is the past. Sometimes you dwell in it and just live in the bitterness. You can’t live there; you can’t keep that in your heart. You need to learn to move on.”

I nodded as the tears welled.

“Just say goodbye and let it be that.” Roy said.

I knew what he was talking about, whom exactly I was supposed to say goodbye to.

“If you need to justify it to yourself, he wasn’t there when you got sick, and he hasn’t been there since. He’s no longer the man you fell in love with and the sooner you face it the better you are going to feel.” He said softly.

I nodded, “your right.”

“So just tell him goodbye.” Roy said softly.

I nodded again, “yes sir.”

He smiled, “Don’t feel that way girl, don’t. Not even for one second. Your life is going to be amazing if you learn to just go with the flow. You can not force anything to happen, God doesn’t work that way. Sometimes when you fall you just have to stand up, smile and move on, because that’s the only option you’ve got.”

I sighed, “Yes sir.”

“Give the good ones a second chance. They need it. Especially this new guy, because what you’ve heard happened with him, didn’t really, that I can promise you.”

“Yes sir.”

He smiled and gave me a hug, “Your world is just beginning. You’ve got lots of time; everything is going to work out for the best.”

I could feel his warmth for a second, “yes sir.” I started to cry as I realized he was gone.

The Sporster: New Paint

Charming and I sat down with a buddy of his who specializes in painting bikes. We talked about repainting it the cool blue it once was. I frowned and Charming asked me what exactly I wanted.

“Something pink.” I said.

“Oh Lord. Your bow is already pink, even your cute undies are pink!” Charming exclaimed.

I smiled, wanting to say even my next wedding dress is pink, but I wasn’t sure I wanted him to know I already had it. “No we aren’t talking solid pink.”

D seemed to relax a little, I figured he wouldn’t be to excited to keep a pink bike in his garage.

“I want something with my nick name on it though.” I said quietly drawing out a heart with a crown on it.

The painter nodded as he watched me do it, “it’s workable.”

“Maybe solid back with this logo, little faintly pink hearts hiding in the paint.” I mumbled as I kept drawing.

“Why the hearts?” The painter asked.

I smiled as I remembered the first time someone had called me by the name. My eyes met his, “because I’m the queen of hearts.”

He nodded, “I’ve got some ideas.”

The Sportster rebuild is almost complete. She’s running better then she did from the factory. She’s got new exhaust and intake. Her transmission was an easy fix, or so I’ve been told. We were so very lucky her engine wasn’t damaged in the wreck, it would have been a whole lot more work.

She’ll be going in for paint in a couple of weeks, I’m so very excited to get back on her! So excited I’ve got biker fever!

Here’s just a little taste of what’s to come…

The New Life: Progress

I pulled the bow back and plucked the arrow into the sky. As it reached out into the field I lost sight of it. M.C. grumbled behind me, “that’s in the alfalfa.” I sighed and rolled my eyes.

Apparently I’ve lost my finesse for archery golf. But then again maybe I never had it. I stepped back and let the next archer take a shot; her arrow was about ten feet in front of the target. I closed my eyes and imagined having to track through the alfalfa to find my arrow, “at least it wasn’t a pink one.” I thought to myself.

The alfalfa was drenched from the sprinkler pivot, and knee high from the early growth season. My jeans clung to my legs and the water soaked in through my leather boots. After five minutes of it I gave up and left the arrow behind.

I’m glad to be back outside shooting, there is something about the warm summer evenings and that bow in my hand that can sort out any emotion I may be feeling at the time. Sitting on the tailgate brought back memories, memories that would have eaten me alive a few weeks ago, but not this time. Sitting on the tailgate talking till midnight, the first time I remember telling him I loved him, the way he’d wrap his arms around me. The deepest memory was of Abbs, Tedly, and I sitting on their tailgate deciding to go down to Heritage days. It’s the deepest because that was the night of the challenge and the night I realized how much I wanted to be with him. But this time they were just memories.

I didn’t feel pain or ache, but maybe a little longing for last summer. It’s improvement, it appears that maybe the mechanic has fixed something, albeit small it's improvement.

For Roy

Back when I was a little girl Big Roy used to sing this song to me. It would always pull me out of the blues or a temper tantrum.
Today as I drove to the funeral this song played over the radio. It helped me to realize he hasn't completely left, I could almost hear him say this to shall pass.

The pastor spoke about how Big Roy had always had a smile on his face, how no matter how many times he fell he always stood back up and kept going. He let nothing get him down.
It touched my heart and helped me realize that Big Roy was trying to tell me it's time to stand back up and keep on walking. Something I'm attempting to do, something I hope makes him proud.

Love ya Roy.
Becki

American Biker... The Truth

They say don’t bite the hand that feeds you… But that hand no longer feeds me soooo….. CHOMP!

I stared at the TV blankly, not sure how to process the show I had just watched. I swirled my whiskey in my highball for a second and thought. I had my own experience with a club and it hadn’t been as wild. It had been wild, but compared to what I had just seen, it was like preschool.

I blinked still attempting to process.

D laughed, clicked the TV off and left the room. I still sat there swirling my whiskey and thinking. My heart wasn’t aching I was just thinking about the misrepresentations the show had just offered. I sighed, swigged my whiskey and stood up, “how to define a biker.” I mumbled.

I knew all to well that some people would see that show and instantly judge someone with a patch on their back. Which was fine by me, I’m no longer associated with a club. But what did was the image the show and that club are creating for the others who ride. People like me and Blue and D and even Charming. The image that we are all a bunch of uncivilized, butt scratching, drunk on our ass, drug using, hicks.

I’m not going to get on my pedestal here and preach about how not all clubs are a like. Not my place and I don’t really care. Nor am I going to ride my high horse and say I’m better then what and who started me, because I’m not. Our blood all runs the same and my beginnings start with a man associated to a club... But I do wish people would understand there is a difference. And just because you see a shiny bike and a leather jacket doesn’t mean we are all bad ass assholes… 

The show doesn’t show people who ride for genuine reasons. People like the guys who stood in the ICU hallway waiting for me to come back to life. People who stopped while D and I waited for the ambulance. People who roll an extra bike out of the garage just to rebuild what was lost in a wreck. People who call you up in the middle of the day just to say “hi”. The people who take time out of their lives to make yours better. Or even people who you’ve just met that take their time to teach you how to ride safely.

It doesn’t show what a true, blue blooded, honest American Biker is.

It’s a shame we are all going to be judge because of these shows. It’s a shame, a real shame.